Chapter 3

Your Mission Impossible Team

I LOVE THEMISSION Impossible movies. Based on the great old TV show that aired from 1966–1973, these movies are a nonstop thrill ride. Exciting, hair-raising action. Bad guys get killed, left and right. In each one there’s a diabolically evil madman, amazing stunts, and the world is saved from annihilation—all to that incredibly cool theme music. Ah, great guy movies . . .

Tom Cruise plays Ethan Hunt, the unflappable leader of an elite, highly trained, super-secret team of American agents. Ethan and his small, hand-picked team receive assignments that are unbelievably difficult, extremely dangerous, and . . . well, impossible. As you likely know, Ethan is given his assignment via audiotape. After he listens to the jaw-dropping, spine-tingling description of the mission, the tape self-destructs in a poof of smoke. Right before it does, the voice says, “Your mission, should you choose to accept it . . . ”

I have a fantasy that one time Ethan says, “Accept this mission? What, are you crazy? Forget it! I don’t want to die. Get some other sucker to do it.” Of course, he never does. He is too cool and gutsy. Ethan always says yes, gathers his team of agents, and goes to work.

How do they pull off these impossible missions? Two reasons: 1) these are movies with successful outcomes written into the scripts, and 2) Ethan and his agents are a team. They achieve their goals only by relying on and supporting each other. They work together. Alone, they would be helpless and not stand a chance. Together, they are strong and effective.

Women, you too have what may seem like an impossible mission: to change your husband. It can be done, but not by yourself. Just like Ethan Hunt, you need a team. Let me introduce you to them.

Got God?

God is the most important member of your mission impossible team. Other team members may come and go or sometimes let you down. Not God. He will always be with you to give you strength, patience, endurance, and whatever other help you may need. I’m not saying this because it sounds good and I hope it’s true. This is what the Bible says:

“I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,” SO THAT WE CONFIDENTLY SAY, “THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?”

—HEBREWS 13:5–6

Who gave Sarah, Abraham’s wife, a child when she was over ninety years old (Gen. 21)? Who protected Jochebed’s infant son, Moses, and allowed her to raise him in his early years (Exod. 2)? Who spared Rahab and her family when all the other inhabitants of Jericho perished (Josh. 6)? Who gave Deborah the victory over Israel’s Canaanite oppressors (Judg. 4–5)? Who brought Ruth from a vulnerable, desperate situation to a life of joy and security with her new husband, Boaz (Book of Ruth)? Who released Abigail from her rotten, foolish husband, Nabal, and blessed her with her marriage to David (1 Sam. 25)? Who gave Esther the courage to risk her life and used her to save the Jews from destruction (Book of Esther)? Who raised a widow’s son from the dead (Luke 7)? Who helped a hemorrhaging woman (Luke 8)? A crippled woman (Luke 13)? God! God did all these things.

All the women I just listed were trapped in hopeless situations, and God delivered them. He gave them exactly what they needed. God loves the impossible. Luke 1:37 says, “For nothing will be impossible with God.” God does His best work when situations seem impossible. If God can help these women, He can help you.

To have God on your team, you need to be close to Him. You need to build your faith. You need to be a godly woman. God always rewards a faithful, godly woman. Always. Here’s a great description of a godly woman:

Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

—1 PETER 3:3–4

God is not interested in what you look like on the outside. He is interested in what you are like on the inside. Your spiritual life, your connection and relationship to Him—that is what is precious in His sight. That is what He wants you to develop and nurture. And in return, God will give you many benefits. Here are four benefits that specifically apply to the wife of an intimacy avoider:

True beauty

Physical beauty fades. No matter how attractive you may be today, you won’t stay that way forever. Everybody gets old. The wrinkles, gray hair, and other indignities of age creep closer with each passing year. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Spiritual beauty, however, improves with age. The most beautiful women I know are in their sixties, seventies, and eighties. They are godly, spiritual women who love Jesus. The inner light of Christ radiates from them. That is beauty!

The power to be a good wife

It is not difficult to live with a man. It is impossible! How can you love a man:

• Who watches ESPN, Wall Street Week, the Weather Channel, or some inane sitcom on television instead of talking honestly with you?

• Who expects the Medal of Honor for completing one three-minute household job?

• Whose only comment after you both have finished watching an beautiful, incredibly romantic, heartbreaking movie is: “My popcorn tasted a little stale”?

• Who thinks he’s being Mr. Romantic when he rolls you over at 2:00 a.m. for five minutes of passionate, meaningful sex?

The answer is, you can’t! If you try to love your IA in human strength alone, you may end up mumbling to yourself in a rubber room at the psychiatric ward. Or become a bitter, frustrated woman. But with God’s help you can love him. With His power you can continue to love your husband and be a good wife to him. As you grow spiritually and stay close to God, you will live out the prayer expressed in Ephesians 3:16: “That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man.”

Your most important needs will be met

The fact is your IA is not meeting some of your most important and personal needs as a wife, such as emotional connection, feeling loved and cherished, true companionship, a spiritual bond, and romance. Even if your IA is doing the best that an IA can do, it isn’t nearly enough to fill up your need tank. That hurts. Every day.

Because these needs are so important, it is easy to make it your number-one goal in life to get your spouse to meet them. When your efforts fail, you can become even more hurt and devastated. You begin to believe that your husband is ruining your life: “He’s keeping me from being happy and fulfilled. He’s wasting the best years of my life. He’s making me miserable.”

Actually he isn’t. You’re doing that to yourself because you have placed your husband at the top of your priority list. You have become obsessed with all the things he is not doing for you and all the needs he is not meeting. Your husband is not meeting some of your most important needs. That’s true. It ought to be a goal of yours to change that situation. That’s also true. That’s why you are reading this book. However, you cannot afford to make your husband and his poor relationship skills the main focus of your life.

Only one Person belongs on the top of your priority list. Only one Person can meet your needs while your IA is still an IA. You know who that Person is: God. When you put God first and work on continually growing closer to Him, He will keep you from obsessing about your husband. He will love you, comfort you, and give you His joy and security. He will provide you with powerful spiritual and emotional strength. He will help you be the best wife under the circumstances that any intimacy avoider ever had.

Take hope in the Word of God, as expressed by the apostle Paul:

In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both at having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

—PHILIPPIANS 4:12–13

Jesus Himself promises to meet your needs in the midst of difficult and painful circumstances:

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.

—MATTHEW 11:28–29

When your husband does not meet your needs day after day and month after month, it still hurts. You still suffer, even if you stay close to God. But God will sustain you until your husband changes. If your husband does not change, God will be there for you. God will meet your most important needs. That is His promise to you.

You will know the best way to change your man spiritually

Every Christian wife I have spoken to—every one—has told me one of her heartfelt desires is for her husband to be a godly man who walks with Jesus and leads her spiritually. Yet precious few wives have a husband like that. One of the best ways to influence a man spiritually is to model a Christian life that works. Peter wrote these words to Christian wives whose husbands were not living godly lives:

So that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

—1 PETER 3:1–2

By showing him daily your close, loving relationship with God, it can make a major impact on his spirituality. It is his responsibility to grow spiritually—to change in any way, really—but you can help. You can make all the difference.

I have been married to my beautiful blonde Sandy for more than twenty-nine years. For all those years and more her commitment to Christ has helped me grow spiritually. Her impact on my spiritual life began as soon as we met at Point Loma College in San Diego, California.

I was the mature, confident sophomore, and Sandy the shy, star-struck freshman. OK, I was the awkward, bumbling sophomore who couldn’t believe this gorgeous freshman was interested in him! Immediately Sandy’s spirituality impressed me. One of the first places she invited me was to a Bible study in her dorm. I went (of course, I would have gone with her to a tractor pull). Seeing her love for Jesus motivated me to work on my relationship with Jesus. That is still true today.

Come to Christ

You can’t be close to God unless you know Him. And you can’t know Him unless you know His Son, Jesus Christ. He is essential to faith, the only way to know the Father, and the only way to eternal life. Jesus said:

I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me.

—JOHN 14:6

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.

—JOHN 17:3

If you haven’t already made that decision, here is what you must believe to become a Christian and establish a relationship with the one true God:

For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received, that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures.

—1 CORINTHIANS 15:3–4

God loves you so much that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for all your sins. Jesus died a horrible death on the cross so that your sins would no longer separate you from God. Then, to prove He is God and has the power to forgive your sins, Jesus rose from the dead. When you believe these truths about Christ, you will establish a permanent, saving relationship with God.

Grow in Christ

Once you know Christ, it is critically important for you to grow in your relationship with Him. As you get closer to Jesus, you will also get closer to God the Father and God the Holy Spirit. All three members of the Godhead are vital to your spiritual health.

Spend individual time with Jesus every day. Use this time to talk to Him in prayer. Listen to His responses. Read and meditate on Bible passages and apply what you read and study to your daily life. Pray throughout the day, keeping in close contact with Jesus as you face the challenges and people He brings your way. Be part of a local church too. Listen to the Bible being taught. Build relationships with other Christians. Serve others in the church, using the gifts and talents God has given you.

If you have a husband who is not spiritually attuned to God, do not let that prevent you from growing spiritually. If he tells you not to go to church, inform him you intend to obey God and go anyway. If you have kids, take them with you. If he says you can attend church but not get involved in Sunday school or any area of service, inform him that you can’t grow spiritually and obey God by just attending. Hear him out politely, then get as involved in your church as God wants you to be.

Invite your husband to pray with you. If he refuses, continue to pray and build your relationship with God. Invite him to join you in family devotions. If he refuses, you lead the children in a weekly time of Bible reading and prayer.

One Best Friend

Have you ever seen Anne of Green Gables? It’s an excellent PBS series based on the best-selling novel by Canadian author Lucy Maud Montgomery about the adventures of a feisty orphan girl who is adopted by a brother and sister in their sixties. The scenery of Prince Edward Island is spectacular, the acting superb, and the story terrific. Don’t tell my male buddies, but I love this series.

One of the most endearing parts of the series is the relationship between the orphan girl, Anne Shirley, and her best friend, Diana Berry. Scared and lonely as she arrives on the island, Anne finds strength, security, and love through her friendship with Diana. They talk together, laugh together, and cry together. They share their lives—triumphs, trials, and experiences—as only two women can. Anne calls Diana her bosom friend and kindred spirit.

I believe that every woman (and every man) needs a best friend. Like Anne Shirley, a woman needs another woman to be her kindred spirit. God is your number-one team member, but your kindred spirit is number two. Living with an IA and working to change him is difficult; you need a buddy to stand with you to support you, listen to you vent your pain and heartache, and give you godly advice. She should pray with you and hold you accountable as a wife and in your areas of personal weakness.

This woman must be a committed, growing Christian, a woman who will always support your marriage, who can take whatever you say, no matter how intense, angry, or personal, and not freak out and think less of you. She can hear you “dump” your frustrations about your IA and not think less of him. She can keep all your secrets and not tell another living soul (including her husband) what you share with her. She will love you and be there for you. She will also see you as her best friend and use you as her confidante and supporter.

It is ideal to have a best friend who lives close to you. That way she is available and your connection to her can grow stronger. She cannot be a family member. A relative usually takes your side and cannot be objective. Plus, telling a relative everything about your husband will likely damage his ongoing relationship with your family.

If you don’t have such a friend, start praying and looking. Until you find her, use a long-distance friend or a wise, caring woman at your church. Perhaps one of the pastors’ or leaders’ wives can temporarily come alongside you. Your kindred spirit is out there, in your church, Bible study, or neighborhood. In His time God will lead the two of you together.

A Small Group of Friends and Family

Along with God and a best friend, it is a good idea to develop a small support group of good friends and family members. Try to get at least two or three. Don’t express all your emotions and tell them everything, as you would with your one bosom friend. But you can share quite a bit about your marital struggles. Let them know you are married to an intimacy avoider. This information won’t shock them; they will probably say, “Join the club.” Let them know about the Husband Transformation Strategy you are following, and give them regular updates on your progress.

I hate to state the obvious, but this group should be all female.

Whether relatives, friends, or coworkers, the men in your life are almost certainly IAs, so they won’t get it.

This small group of supporters will serve you in two ways:

1. They will handle the overflow emotional needs that your best friend won’t be able to meet on her own. If you don’t have a best friend yet or your best friend isn’t available, you can call your small group members. After you have talked to God and your best friend, and still need to vent and receive encouragement, call these supporters.

2. Each member of your small group should regularly pray for you and your husband. Give these prayer warriors regular, specific updates and requests so they know exactly how to pray. Most of the time these friends and relatives will pray on their own for you. At other times pray with individual supporters in person or by phone.

If possible, meet with your small group once every two weeks or once a month to pray. Of course you’ll be praying for each of them and their needs as well.

Your Church Family

You need a local church that will support you emotionally and spiritually as you work to change your husband. You will need a church where you have two or three close female friends who will be part of your husband-changing support team. You need a church that teaches the Bible from the pulpit, offers Sunday school or women’s Bible study, and some kind of small group where you can receive encouragement and emotional connections. You also need a church where you can worship God and serve Him with your gifts. While not essential, it is preferable that it have strong women’s, men’s, and marriage ministries. A church with these programs can meet your relational needs, expose your husband to good Christian male models, and provide biblical teaching on how to build a great marriage. The foundation is set. Now, on to step two!