Chapter 4

The Man Who Knew Too Little

ISN’T IT INCREDIBLE how often your husband just doesn’t get it? He walks around in his own little world, blissfully unaware of you and your needs. It’s a real puzzle. He appears to have an IQ in the normal range. He can groom and dress himself without assistance, is competent at his job, and speaks the same language as you. Yet despite these abilities, in many of your daily interactions he completely misses what is so painfully obvious to you. He just doesn’t get it.

Read these scenarios. I’ll bet you’ll recognize them.

Sex is always the answer

You and your husband had an argument twenty minutes ago. It did not end well. You’re angry, hurt, and feel totally misunderstood. You’ve gone to bed early. The bedroom is dark and you’re curled up on your side of the bed, nursing your wounds. He comes into the room, crawls into bed, and snuggles softly against you. You turn to him, expecting an apology and an attempt to talk through the conflict. Instead he wants sex! The only sounds he makes are grunts. Is he some kind of an animal? Yes. Does he really think that sex will solve this problem and make everything better? Yes, he does.

Mr. Romance

Several days ago you and your husband were talking about your upcoming anniversary. You sensed that he didn’t seem too excited. He couldn’t come up with any ideas for what to do. So you said, “Well, honey, it isn’t really necessary to do anything special.” Yet today is the day and, sure enough, he didn’t do anything special. No card. No roses. No gift. No dinner out, although he did bring home a pizza. What kind of a clueless wonder would imagine that you would be satisfied with takeout on your anniversary? Your husband, that’s who.

The sensitive male

You’re telling your husband about your rotten day at the office, highlighted by your male boss treating you badly in front of several coworkers. You go into detail, paying particular attention to your feelings of anger, hurt, and humiliation. Instead of helping you feel understood and offering comfort, your husband responds by saying he can see your boss’s point of view. He informs you these things happen in offices everywhere, that it’s no big deal, and your boss was probably just stressed out. He looks thoughtful for a moment. You think maybe he has realized his mistake. You ask if he has anything else to say and he responds, “Yeah. What’s for dinner?” Your moan of anguish and frustration can be heard four houses away.

It’s PMS, isn’t it?

It’s been a long day. Your considerate husband forgot to call the mechanic about your car. Plus he forgot the two items you wanted from the grocery store, but he did manage to come home with his favorite ice cream and a package of beef jerky. Later he commented that your chicken was a tad overdone, he (not the chicken) didn’t help with the dishes, and he spent an hour in front of his computer. You’ve just tried to start a conversation with him, but he’s focused on the TV and didn’t hear a word you said. You go into the kitchen, slam a few cupboards, and begin to cry. He comes in looking for a snack, notices you, and says, “What’s wrong? Is it PMS, honey?” You want to scream, “No, it’s not PMS! It’s NBS, honey! No Brain Syndrome!”

It’s a Man Thing

Situations such as these when your man doesn’t get it are not isolated occurrences. They happen all the time. He doesn’t see what’s really going on and what you need from him. As my good friend John Louer likes to say, “I’m working with very small tools.” Your husband has very small tools. He doesn’t know much about relationships. He doesn’t grasp your basic needs, why you get upset, or what he can do to make you feel secure and loved.

The trouble is he is sure he knows what your needs are and that he is doing a great job meeting them. When he fails to meet your needs and you get frustrated and angry, he doesn’t blame himself. He blames you. Thousands of my male IA clients have given me the same message: “Doc, I love her. I’m doing my best. I’m doing everything I can to make her happy. I don’t know why she gets all hurt and angry. It must be a woman thing: hormones, being oversensitive, or just expecting too much. She’s awfully tough to please.”

With their wives sitting right there in my therapy office, I have asked these same husbands to tell me about their wives’ needs. Without fail they launch confidently into their recitation of what they think their wife needs. And every husband (the whole bunch), much to their shock and dismay, have been wrong. I mean, dead wrong. Not-even-close wrong. When she responds with what she really needs, the reaction is typically the husband’s mouth hanging open in surprise.

It’s a Woman Thing

It isn’t just the husband who exhibits surprise during these sessions, though. As she tells him her needs, the wife is genuinely surprised that he doesn’t know. Almost every wife of an IA I have counseled in therapy has told me that she firmly believes her husband knows her needs. So when he doesn’t meet them, it creates a double whammy to her solar plexus. Not only is she hurt because of unmet needs, but also she feels angry and insulted because she thought he knew her needs and deliberately chose to ignore them.

When I ask these wives why they are so sure their husbands know their needs, they all say basically the same thing: “How could he not know? It’s obvious what my needs are every day. He can tell by just watching me. Doesn’t he have eyes, ears, and a brain? There is no way he could miss my needs that much. No, he knows what I need, and he just refuses to come through.”

When I ask the man to identify his spouse’s needs and he can’t, it dawns on the wife that he really doesn’t know. Just as I illustrated in the four vignettes at the beginning of this chapter, he doesn’t get it. I explain to the wife that men are almost universally oblivious to social cues that wives find obvious. While she thinks she is sending clear signals about what she would like him to do in a situation, she isn’t. She is sending subtle, coded signals that only other women understand. But she is not dealing with a woman; she is dealing with an IA of the opposite sex. That means there is zero chance he will get the message.

Not only does your man miss what you need in specific situations when you think words aren’t necessary, he also doesn’t even get it when you tell him your needs right to his face. The following list gives some insight into how this all goes wrong:

• Maybe you weren’t as clear as you thought you were. Women tend to be too subtle. They like men to connect the dots and figure it out without too much help. Men can’t connect the dots. Men don’t even know there are dots to connect.

• Maybe he wasn’t listening. Men are notoriously poor listeners. They tune out, listen selectively, get distracted, or get lost in your words and don’t want to admit it.

• Maybe he forgot what you said about your needs. Men have terrible memories, especially with personal items. They can remember financial reports, sports trivia, and other facts that do not improve the quality of their marriages.

• Maybe you spoke to him with too much emotion. When a woman gets too emotionally intense, a man’s brain short-circuits and her message gets garbled. He screens it out, because he can only focus on how she is saying it. All he thinks is, “Man, she’s way too intense. She’s lost it.”

• Maybe you pushed him too hard and he feels backed into a corner. When a man feels controlled by his woman, he clams up and gets very defensive. He digs in his heels and won’t give her what she wants, no matter how reasonable her request.

• Maybe he didn’t believe you. As crazy as it sounds, men have a bad habit of thinking they know what is best for their wives. It’s possible he thinks his wife doesn’t know what she really needs, but that he knows. Dumb? Sure. Does it happen? All the time.

As you can see, there are a lot of things that can and do go wrong when you attempt to communicate your needs to your husband. Some of it is your fault and some of it is his. Some of it is just because wires get crossed in the inherent gender differences that are part of male-female conversations. Whatever the reasons, your message doesn’t get across, and he has no idea what your needs are.

If You Want Him to Get It, Give It to Him

A foundational step in my Husband Transformation Strategy is the crystal clear communication of your needs as a wife to your husband. You do it because he doesn’t know your needs. This step is a springboard for the remaining five steps. The Bible teaches this: when there is a stumbling block between you and a brother, your Christian duty is to go to that person and seek to resolve the problem (Matt. 5:23–24; 18:15–17).

When you’re in this one-on-one meeting with your husband, you will be “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). Forget subtlety. Check your emotional intensity at the door. Make no effort to push him for a response. You must deliver the message of your needs in a way your husband can receive and understand it. You must be blunt. Direct. Specific. Rational. You must spell it out for him in black-and-white detail.

The real beauty—and power—of my approach is that you’re not only going to be communicating what you need. You’re going to be communicating what God says you need. There is a world of a difference. Husbands—even Christian husbands—resist when their wives ask them to meet needs. Husbands have a much harder time resisting when their wives point to what God commands them to do as husbands.

You’ll lay before your man God’s biblical instructions for husbands. You’ll take him through a mini-seminar on his biblical job description. Remember, this isn’t primarily about you and him. First and foremost it is about God and him. If he obeys God’s guidelines on his role as a husband, he benefits. God will be pleased and bless him. You will benefit because, for the first time, he will meet the deepest needs of your heart. Your children will benefit because they will feel secure and learn how to build a great marriage. Those around you will benefit because they will see what a Christ-centered marriage looks like. Here is exactly what I want you to do:

Set up the first meeting

Go to your husband, sit him down, take his hands in yours, look into his eyes, and in the most serious tone you can muster, say these words:

_______________ (his name),

There is something very important I want to talk to you about. I’m not ready to do it now, because I’m still sorting through some things. I want the kids to be out of the house when we talk. It needs to be just the two of us. Let’s meet in three days.

After scheduling this meeting, go on about your business. He may ask, “What is this is all about?” Don’t tell him anything. He has to wait until the meeting. Spend the next three days acting cool, reserved, and a little pulled back. Nothing dramatic. Just remain in a quiet, contemplative mood. You want him to wonder, even worry, about what you are going to say. You want this meeting to make a demonstrable impact on his life.

The first meeting

At the first meeting say these words to your husband:

_______________ (his name),

I have been thinking and praying a lot about our marriage these past few weeks. The truth is, I’m not happy. I have really important, deep needs that only you can meet as my husband, and you’re not meeting them. That’s partly your fault. It’s also partly my fault.

I realize that I haven’t made my needs clear to you. You can’t meet them if you don’t know exactly what they are. I have read this book (show him my book), and I think it can help us build a terrific marriage. I have decided to follow all the steps described by Dr. Clarke and would love for you to join me so we can work on our marriage together.

The first step is for me to clearly communicate to you the needs I have as your wife. Please read chapters 5, 6, and 7 in the coming week. In these chapters Dr. Clarke explains what the Bible says about the husband’s role in marriage. Honey, I have read these chapters, and, believe me, they paint the picture of the husband I need you to be. Please understand that it’s not just me saying that I have these needs. It’s God saying that I have these needs.

I want to meet in a week to discuss these chapters. Feel free to write your thoughts and reactions in the book or on a piece of paper. I particularly want you to tell me how you think you’re doing in the role of a biblical husband (as stated in the book). What time next week will work for you?

Don’t show much emotion as you deliver this message. The more cool, calm, and collected you can be, the better the chance that he will focus on what you’re saying and act on it. It is a good idea to put the message in your own words so they sound more personal. You might want to write down what you say to him or refer to notes. It can be easy to forget what you intend to say in the intensity and awkwardness of the situation.

Of course you will have already read chapters 5, 6, and 7 before this meeting. In fact, you should have read the entire book. If he chooses to read more during the week, fine. The more he reads, the better. Men don’t like to read, though, so don’t get your hopes up. You will be lucky if he reads these three chapters.

It is very possible your husband will be blown away by what you say at this first meeting. He may be shocked or confused—maybe a little angry. If he is a typical man, he thinks your marriage is great. Now you are saying it is not. He may have considerable trouble adjusting to this reality. If he wants to, let him discuss his feelings with you. Whenever a man wants to talk, that is a good thing. He may want to ask questions, find out what is going on, and get some reassurance that everything will be OK. Let him talk, but don’t give out too much information. Do not reassure him, because that will stop any momentum or motivation. If you say things are “OK” or “will be OK,” that signals him that he doesn’t have to change. So he won’t. You will kill any chance of success before you can start.

Simply direct him to chapters 5, 6, and 7. Tell him he will find the answers to his questions in those chapters. This will make it more likely that he will read them—carefully. What you want him to recognize at this point in the process is that he is not meeting your needs.

The second meeting

If he chooses not to read those three chapters, the second meeting will be short. Express your anger and disappointment that he didn’t care enough about you to read them. Do not lose your temper. Do not raise your voice. Just move on to the next step. Tell him you have something you want to read to him and schedule a meeting to be held in three or four days.

If he has read the chapters, thank him and ask him to share his reactions. Based on the three biblical roles, ask him how he thinks he is doing as your husband. What he says will reveal where his heart is and his willingness to change. Hopefully he will be willing to admit that he is falling short of God’s standards for husbands and that he wants to do better.

Repeat that these chapters describe the kind of husband you need him to be. Tell him you know he can become such a husband, and you don’t expect him to do it alone. You want to work with him every step of the way. Share with him that the next step will be you reading something to him in a few days. Schedule that meeting.

Your letter of needs

In your third meeting you will read him an intensely personal and brutally honest letter containing the most accurate, vivid description possible of your needs. It will be a tough, no-frills letter. There will be no sunshiny positives. No “I hope I don’t offend him,” or “I’d hate to hurt his feelings.” Don’t use “dear,” “honey,” or “I love you” expressions. You want him to know this is serious business.

You will be painstakingly specific in presenting your needs— leave no room for doubt. You will lead him to water and you will make him drink. What you are giving him is a detailed map to your heart. After you have read this letter and handed it to him, he will never again have an excuse for not knowing your needs. To remind him that he answers ultimately to God for his role as husband, weave into your letter the main points from chapters 5, 6, and 7. Within this biblical framework you will reveal what you, as a unique woman and his wife, need from him.

Below is a sample letter containing the points I recommend including. In composing yours, use your own words and distinctive style of communication. Tell him right up front that you do not want him to interrupt as you read your letter. If he wants to ask questions or make comments, he can do so after you have finished reading.

_______________ (his name,)

I don’t want you to have any doubt about what I need from you. So I have written this letter spelling out exactly what my needs are as your wife. After I read it, I will hand it to you. I want you to keep it in a safe place—permanently. If you ever forget my needs, just pull out the letter and read it again.

First, and most important, God says you are to be a godly man. My deepest need as your wife is to see you in a growing, vital relationship with Jesus Christ. If you’re not walking closely with Jesus, you won’t have the power to meet any of my needs. Please do these things to keep your spiritual life on track:

• Have a daily quiet time with the Lord in which you pray and read your Bible.

• Be accountable in a meeting at least once a week to a godly man for your spiritual growth and role as my husband.

• Attend a men’s conference once a year.

• Attend church with the kids and me every week.
I also need you to be my spiritual leader. Please make sure we pray together for at least five minutes, three times a week. Please meet with me once a week, for fifteen or twenty minutes, so each of us can share what’s going on in our spiritual lives. We can help each other grow spiritually. Dr. Clarke has another book, A Marriage After God’s Own Heart, that teaches couples how to spiritually bond. I want us to read it together and apply the principles of bonding in Christ as a couple.

• I need you to lead once-a-week family devotions. I would be happy to work with you in preparing for these meetings. I want a Bible passage read and discussed, an opportunity for family concerns to be raised, and time at the end for prayer.

Second, God says you are to be my lover. I know you love me, but it’s essential you love me in the specific ways I need to be loved. Only I can define how I feel loved. Communication is very important to me. I need you to set aside thirty minutes on four days of each week, as early in the evening as possible, for the two of us to talk. I want to talk in the den without any distractions: no kids, no television, no computer, no newspaper, and no answering the door or the telephone. I need you to come to me every evening we’ve scheduled to talk, and say, “It’s time for our talk.”

When we talk, I need you to listen to me in the active way Dr. Clarke explains: eye contact, body language, feeding back key words and phrases, identifying my emotions, and reacting to what I say. Show interest in my life and the people and events in it. Ask me questions about what I do and how I feel.

I also need you to talk to me. I can’t tell you how much I long to hear what’s going on inside of you: your feelings, your stresses, what God is teaching you every day, and your hopes and dreams. Please take a small pad with you wherever you go each day, and jot down things you would like to share during our talks. When we have a conflict, I need you (and me too) to follow Dr. Clarke’s rules for a fair fight: one of us at a time, listen and reflect, build understanding first, see it as a process that happens in stages, and come to a decision. Let’s practice these rules together. I don’t mind you walking away from a conflict if you’re too angry to continue, but I need you to come back so we can keep talking until we’ve resolved it.

When I’m upset, just let me vent and help me feel understood. It’s when I’m hurt and angry that I really need you to listen and reflect. Just feed back to me what I’m saying and feeling. Please, no male logic. That just makes me angrier. Even though I know it’s difficult for you, I need you to apologize and keep letting me talk when you’ve hurt my feelings. Don’t walk away permanently. I want you to come back and comfort me and reassure me of your love. Let me talk it all out.

I’m writing my basic, fundamental needs in this letter. These are my “core” needs that are an integral part of who I am. These needs don’t change. But I have other needs that change from day to day. I want you to do your best to meet these needs as well. Part of understanding and respecting me is to ask me every day what I need from you. This is how you can meet these fluctuating needs. Please ask me twice a day what my needs are—in the morning and after work as our evening begins. The mere action of asking me what I need will make me feel very loved. Plus I’ll tell you specifically what you can do for me, so you’ll be able to target and meet these daily needs.

I need you to romance me. Ask me out on a date once a week. Half the time please get the babysitter and plan the date. At least once a month do something with me on the date that I would like to do: walk on the beach, see a chick flick, go to a craft fair, or walk through the mall. I also need daily physical affection from you. Not sexually intimate touching like we do in foreplay, but nonsexual touching: kissing, hugging, holding my hand, or giving me a neck massage.

I need to hear “I love you” at least once a day. Praise me for who I am—my character traits or what I do for you and the kids. About once every two or three weeks get me a card and write a special note in it.

Third, God says you are to be a servant leader like Jesus. Please do your share of the household chores. I will feel loved and have more energy when you do your chores. Ask me every day what needs to be done around the house.

Let’s make decisions together in all major areas: parenting, finances, major purchases, home repairs, our spiritual lives, time spent with our respective in-laws, and so on. Please discuss significant decisions with me thoroughly, pray with me about them, and then we’ll settle on a course of action.

Well, that’s about it. I know this is a lot to take in and digest. But this is what God wants you to do and what I need you to do. I’m sorry for not being clear on what my needs are until now.

I have to admit that I’ve been unhappy because you haven’t been meeting enough of my needs. I have felt unloved, and I have lost respect for you. I have not felt close to you emotionally, so I haven’t been too interested in our physical relationship. Sex is more of a chore for me than the joyful, passionate experience God intends it to be. If you don’t meet my needs, I cannot be a good wife to you in any area.

I hope and pray that this letter begins a process that will change our marriage and bring us much closer. I don’t expect you to be perfect, just committed to working hard to meet my needs and become the husband I know you can be. I will be following Dr. Clarke’s strategy. If you want to know his entire strategy, that would be great. Read the book, and we’ll discuss each step as we implement it. If you don’t want to read any more than chapters 5, 6, and 7, that is fine. I will do the steps and let you know what I’m doing and why as we go along.

Thank you for listening. I don’t expect you to give me your reaction now. You’ll need time to process all this. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about it.

_______________ (your name)

When you finish reading, hand him the letter. If he has no immediate response—and he probably won’t—get up and walk away. If he wants to talk about it, he will find you. Now what follows are the chapters that present the Bible’s teaching about the three roles of a husband. Though they are written primarily for your husband, I want you to read them. After that we will continue reviewing the rest of my strategy.