Chapter 5

God Says: Be a Godly Man

OK, ALL YOU husbands who are reading this (most at your wife’s direction), I have a pretty good idea of what you are thinking: “This Clarke guy has some nerve calling me an intimacy avoider. Who does he think he is?” Let me explain who I am and my goals for this book. Remember, I am a man, so I understand the male makeup.

Most men are intimacy avoiders. I am an intimacy avoider; or at least, I used to be. As men we hold our thoughts and feelings inside and don’t discuss personal feelings—with our wives or anyone else. Ring any bells? This ingrained style of not letting anyone, especially our wives, see who we are inside makes us IAs.

I know you love your wife, more than anyone else on this earth. But if you are not talking with her regularly on a personal level, I have some bad news: she doesn’t feel loved by you. This is tragic, because the number-one desire of her heart is to be close to you and to know you as no one else does. She wants to hear you talk honestly and openly about your life, work, relationship with her, walk with God, children, hopes and dreams, and the things that are important to her—this is what she has always dreamed about. To be denied such fulfillment devastates her.

That is why she bought this book. That’s why she asked you to read this chapter and the two following it. She wants you to join her in building a better, closer, deeper relationship. She understands that what she is asking won’t come easy. In fact, it will be quite difficult—one of the most difficult things you have ever done. But she is hoping and praying that you will love her enough to do it.

For years I held back with my wife, Sandy. I talked with her about only safe, superficial topics. Again and again she tried to get me to lower my wall and let her see inside to what I really thought and felt, but I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t think she needed to know the personal things about me. Man, was I wrong. I was hurting her and making my precious wife feel unhappy and unfulfilled in our marriage. Hiding behind my walls and holding her at arm’s length was squeezing the life out of Sandy and our marriage. And it was my fault! We still loved each other; we just weren’t in love. The fun, romance, exciting sex, and passion had disappeared from our marriage. Maybe that is where you are today.

I finally figured out how to open up and let Sandy see inside so she could know the real me. I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t easy, but it has been worth the effort. Sandy and I are closer and happier now than we’ve ever been. Our marriage has taken off. It all started with me understanding her needs. Although I thought I knew, I didn’t have a clue. I did three things to figure them out: 1) I talked to Sandy many times, 2) I listened to thousands of wives in therapy telling me what they needed, and 3) I studied the Bible.

Do you know what I discovered? The needs Sandy and all these wives mentioned were the same ones God describes in the Bible. God knows your woman intimately. He knows what she needs. If you follow His instructions about how to be a husband, you will meet your wife’s most important needs. In chapters 5, 6, and 7 I will show you the kind of husband God wants you to be and your wife needs you to be.

Being a Husband Ain’t Easy

What is the greatest challenge in life for a man? Climbing Mount Everest? Winning a triathlon? Building a successful business? Becoming president of the United States? No. No. No. And no. These challenges are a piece of cake compared to life’s ultimate man test: living with a woman. Women are wonderful, fascinating, and exciting. They are also difficult to please, confusing, and unpredictable. At least they are to men.

Picture this scene. It is a weekday morning, and a man and his wife are preparing to go their separate ways. He says, “Good-bye, honey.” She says, “When will you be home tonight?” She’s asked a dangerous question. It’s deep water, but the man doesn’t realize it. So he replies, “Oh, I don’t know, around six thirty.”

In his mind around six thirty means around six thirty—a ballpark estimate, a range. That could mean six forty, six forty-five, or seven. He is giving her his best guess. The woman, being a woman, zeroes in on six thirty. For her that is neither an estimate nor a range but a fixed point in time. He said six thirty, and six thirty is carved in stone. It is a guarantee, a promise, a deal! She doesn’t say any of this to her husband, of course. That would be too easy. But she is thinking it.

So off to work the poor man goes, with no idea that he has made a deal. If he comes home at six forty, he is late, and she will be cold and irritated. There will be no kiss at the front door. If he comes home at six forty-five, he is really late. She will be angry. His dinner will be . . . put away. If he wanders in at seven or later, look out. He is a liar and has broken a promise! She will be outraged and hurt. It’s going to be a long, frosty night, Bubba.

Sound familiar, men?

Husbands, this is just one example of why we need help in dealing with a woman. We are out of our league! We need some kind of a plan or strategy for living with a woman in an understanding and intimate way. I have good news. God, the Creator of man and woman, has provided that strategy. The principles He sets forth in the Bible on how to be a husband have not changed in thousands of years. They still apply and still work. In fact, they are the only principles that work.

God requires that a husband carry out four critical roles:

1. Be a godly man.

2. Be a lover.

3. Be a romancer.

4. Be a leader.

In the remainder of this chapter I will cover the essentials of the first point. Don’t bail out on me too quickly though. The other three points that follow in the next two chapters are equally important. I know; you don’t like to read. But you better if you want your marriage to improve. So stick with me.

Be a Godly Man

Don’t look to society for guidance on how to be a man. Look to Scripture. Society says be good-looking, be financially successful, and be a sexual superstar. The basic message is: “Think of yourself, because, after all, you’re really something special.” In the world’s eyes the way to happiness is making a ton of money, buying all the male toys, and having sex with as many women as possible.

Is there pleasure in following society’s blueprint for male achievement and success? Sure. Does it provide lasting joy, peace, and fulfillment? Hardly. Take a close look at the icons of male success in business, entertainment, or sports. You will see men destroying themselves with addictions to alcohol, drugs, and sex. You will see men whose lives are littered with failed marriages, destroyed relationships, and deeply scarred children.

This is success? I’ll tell you what it is; it’s stupid. Actually it is worse than that. It is a lie straight from Satan himself, the great deceiver. Go ahead and chase society’s goals for manhood if you want, but they won’t work. Never have; never will. All they are good for is breaking your wife’s heart, damaging your children, and leaving you miserable.

Follow Scripture

Scripture says love God and be like Christ. These two verses say it all:

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

And He said to him, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’”

—MATTHEW 22:36–37

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us.

—EPHESIANS 5:1–2

We are to love God with everything we have and live as Jesus Christ lived. This is the definition of a godly man. Men, how does your life match this definition? There have been times in my life when I wasn’t even close. Oh, I was a Christian and went to church, but I wasn’t in love with God. I wasn’t living like Jesus. I still hung on to certain areas of sin and lived the way I wanted to live. Maybe that is how you are living now. If you can honestly admit that you are not the man God wants you to be, then you have some work to do.

You Won’t Believe the Benefits

When you love God and walk in a close relationship with Jesus, you will find the power to live life in the successful way God has planned. It will make all the difference in your personal life and career and especially in your relationship with your wife. Since this is a marriage book, I will zero in on the last part of that sentence. The Bible says that God will richly bless the marriage and family of a godly man:

Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine, within your house, your children like olive plants around your table. Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD.

—PSALM 128:3–4

Your wife will be thrilled with your spiritual growth. I guarantee it. It is one of the deepest desires—and needs—of every Christian wife. It is tied for first place (or even slightly ahead) with her need to emotionally connect with you. In my therapy practice and at marriage seminars, wife after wife after wife has said, “Oh, I wish my husband was a godly man!”

When you are a godly man, your wife will love and respect you in ways you didn’t believe possible. You have heard the old saying, “When Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You know that is true. When your wife isn’t happy, it makes you miserable, doesn’t it? When you are spiritually healthy, she will be happy, fulfilled, and at peace. Feeling great about you, she will return the favor. So you will be happy too.

On a practical level being a godly man will give you the power to be a good husband. Humanly speaking, you can’t do it. Not just because women are so hard to live with (even though that is true), but because what God requires of us as husbands is so difficult. Have you read Ephesians lately? Take a look:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

—EPHESIANS 5:25

Whoa! I mean, whoa! How can you love your wife like this under your own strength? You can’t! No way.

For years I tried to love Sandy in an Ephesians 5:25 way on my own, and it didn’t work. I finally got past my ignorance and pride and realized that being a good husband is a supernatural job. Once I had God’s help, I did a much better job.

God knows your woman better than you ever will. He knows what she needs. As you get closer and closer to Him, He will work through you to love her.

Come to Christ

To be a godly man, you need to know God. And the only way to know God is to know Jesus Christ. Let me give you the straight facts on how to begin a relationship with God through His Son, Jesus.

You are a sinner. So am I. So is everyone. You have made plenty of mistakes in your life, haven’t you? Well, even one little mistake, one sin, separates you from God. On your own there is no way to reach a holy and perfect God. Romans 3:23 drives this point home: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

God could have left you in your sin, condemned to never know Him, die, and go to hell. But He didn’t do that. God loves you so much that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to Earth to die for your sins. Jesus paid your price, the price of your sins: death, eternal separation from God and heaven.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

—ROMANS 6:23

Here is the truth you must believe to know God and become a Christian:

. . . that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures.

—1 CORINTHIANS 15:3–4

Do you want all your sins, the ones you have already done and the ones you will do the rest of your life—the sins of your whole life—wiped away? Do you want to know God personally? Do you want God’s power to live your life here on the earth? Do you want to go to heaven when you die? If you answered yes to these questions, then you’re ready to come to Christ.

Repeat the following prayer to begin a relationship with God:

God, I’m a sinner. I’ve made many mistakes and sinned in my life. I know that my sin separates me from You. I can’t reach You on my own. Thank You for sending Jesus as the only way for me to get to know You. I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believe Jesus rose from the dead, proving He is God and has the power to forgive my sins. I’m tired of living my life my way. I now give my life to You, God. Amen.

Grow in Christ

I see too many husbands who have come to Christ and know Christ, yet they aren’t growing in Christ. I have been there too, so I am not throwing any stones. Real men are men who aren’t perfect, but who are maturing spiritually and growing in their walk with Jesus: “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong” (1 Cor. 16:13).

If you want to be a real man, be a man who is growing in Christ. Attend church regularly. Go to Sunday school and build relationships with other Christians. Find a place in your church to serve others. Go to a men’s conference at least once a year.

Spend time each day alone with God. It can be ten minutes or thirty. It can be early in the morning, at lunch, or in the evening. Talk to God in prayer. Adore Him and worship Him for who He is. Thank and praise Him for what He has done for you and your family. Talk to Him about your life, feelings, concerns, and stress. Ask Him to guide you. End with requests, but be sure never to make all your prayer a list of requests.

Listen to God too. Through the Holy Spirit He will find ways to communicate with you. Just be quiet in God’s presence and see what happens. The main way God will speak to you is through the Bible. Read a verse or two during your quiet time with God. Meditate on what you read. Every time you read the Bible, God is speaking to you.

Be Accountable to One Man

Once every week or two, in a face-to-face meeting, find a man who will hold you accountable in all the important areas of your life: husband, father, career, areas of temptation, and your relationship with Jesus. Few men have a relationship like this. Be the exception. It will change your life. I guarantee it. Moses had Aaron and Joshua. David had Jonathan. Paul had Barnabas. Whom do you have?

Over the past twelve years I have had Rocky Glisson. Rocky is my best friend. Every Saturday morning at a local diner, unless one of us is sick or I am out of town speaking, we sit down for an accountability meeting. We go over the preceding week and ask each other the tough questions. I know Rocky’s weaknesses—the areas where he tends to sin. And Rocky knows mine.

Rocky is my supporter, encourager, confronter. He is the guy I go to war with against Satan and his schemes to ruin my life. Rocky keeps me away from sins that can destroy my marriage, my family, and me. One of those areas is work. (“Hello, my name is Dave, and I’m a workaholic.”) When Rocky sees me getting carried away, he will bark, “David, you’re in the workaholic zone again. Stop it! Cut back, or I’ll have to hurt you.” Most importantly Rocky keeps me on track spiritually. He asks me how I’m doing in my walk with Jesus. Am I having my daily quiet time? Am I reading my Bible? What did God teach me this past week? In every meeting we share our triumphs, joys, worries, and failures. We end every session by praying for the specific requests we have brought to the table.

Look for a man your age or older who loves the Lord and is an excellent husband, a man who has figured out how to love his wife and meet her needs, and a man who has learned how to communicate openly and honestly with his spouse. Ask him to teach you how to be a great husband.

Rocky has made a huge difference in my life. Because of our accountability relationship, I am a better husband, father, and psychologist. Best of all I am closer to Jesus. Find a Rocky. Start praying and looking. God will lead you to him.

Lead Your Wife Spiritually

Part of being a godly man is leading your wife spiritually. Scripture teaches that the husband is the leader in the marriage relationship:

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

—EPHESIANS 5:23–24

The husband is to lead in everything. (Of course, I’m not referring to the myriad special talents, abilities, skills of wives, which are too numerous to list, as with the “excellent wife” described in Proverbs 31.) Everything means everything, including the spiritual area. Ephesians 5:25–31 describes a husband who leads by caring for his wife in a compassionate, tender, and attentive way. Your job as a loving leader is to make sure every facet of your precious wife’s life is healthy. Her spiritual life is, in fact, the most important part of who she is. From a biblical perspective her deepest individual need is for you to help her maintain a close, growing relationship with Jesus Christ.

How can you do this? By scheduling regular times of prayer and spiritual sharing with your wife. Is this tough? Is it ever! As a husband this is one of the hardest things I do. I often feel uncomfortable, threatened, awkward, and incompetent. Even after ten years of working on a spiritual bond with Sandy, Satan tries to block us every step of the way. He knows that these spiritual bonding behaviors are essential to a healthy marriage. He knows that he can’t destroy our marriage if we regularly discuss our spiritual lives and pray together.

Is it worth it? It sure is. Sandy and I are stronger and closer than ever. Joining together spiritually for just a few minutes a week has revived our passion and intimacy. It is still hard to lead Sandy spiritually, but I am going to keep on keeping on. It is what God wants me to do and what Sandy needs me to do. It is keeping our marriage alive and well.

I want you to do two things. First, sit down with your wife every Saturday or Sunday evening and schedule three five-minute prayer sessions for the coming week. If you don’t schedule them, you won’t do them. When the appointed time comes, go to your wife and ask her to pray with you. Sit down in a quiet, private place in your home, just the two of you, and list prayer requests. Then hold hands and pray one at a time.

At first, you will likely pray for safe topics: your children, family, health concerns, church, and people you know. As you go along, you will start sharing and praying for more personal, intimate issues: your worries, fears, dreams, spiritual weaknesses, God’s guidance, and protection against Satan’s attacks.

The second thing, which you should schedule the same way you do prayer, is to meet with your wife at the end of every week for a spiritual evaluation. Because life is so busy, this is a great way to stay connected spiritually. For a total of fifteen or twenty minutes each of you should share what happened in your spiritual lives in the past week, what you learned in daily quiet times, how you applied the Bible, and what God taught you. Share your spiritual victories and defeats.

If you want to learn more about how to spiritually bond as a husband and wife, read my book A Marriage After God’s Own Heart. However, these two spiritual activities will get you headed in the right direction. Don’t think you have to be a spiritual giant to do this or that you really need to know what you’re doing. Just do it. You won’t be alone. God will help you. When she can see you are making an honest effort, your wife is much more likely to be patient, kind, and to work with you as you bond spiritually.

Again, men, don’t be a godly man just for your wife. True, this will be very good for her, but that isn’t the real point. Do it for God. He wants you to grow spiritually and to lead your wife in developing closer spiritual bonds.