Chapter 6

God Says: Be a Lover

BEING A GOOD lover is all about listening to, talking with, understanding, and respecting your wife. It is not about sex, which is quite likely the first thought that popped into your head when you read the word lover. Hey, don’t get me wrong. Sex with your wife is important, very important. I want you to enjoy a regular, passionate sex life with your dear wife.

However, being a great sexual partner doesn’t make you a great lover. In fact, it is just the opposite. Being a great, biblical lover will make you a great sex partner. It will make your wife a great sex partner as well.

Now that I have your attention, here is the big idea of this chapter: A great lover is a husband who meets his wife’s emotional needs. That is the Bible’s bottom line regarding marriage. That is what God wants you to do. Believe me, it is what your wife is hoping, praying for, and dreaming about. When you learn how, the blessings of God will shower you and your wife. You will become best friends and as close and intimate as two people can be. As a result, your sex life will be nothing short of terrific.

I know you don’t know how to be a great lover. Yet. That is nothing to be embarrassed about. For the first fifteen years of my marriage I didn’t know how either. I am going to teach you what I learned, so let’s get to it.

Ephesians 5 and the One-Two Punch

Remember the marital passage from Ephesians 5:25? Paul winds up and hits every husband right in the stomach with a dramatic command: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”

This is the highest possible standard of love! Christ gave everything, including His life, for the church. You must do the same by loving your wife in a sacrificial, unconditional way. That means totally focusing on meeting her needs. Did you get that? In case you didn’t, Paul repeats and amplifies the message with a brutal punch right to the jaw three verses later:

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.

—EPHESIANS 5:28–29

Your job is to love your wife by nourishing and cherishing her. Show her the most tender care and concern, just as you do for your own body. The same way Jesus does for His church. Your role in marriage is not about meeting your needs. It boils down to meeting your wife’s needs. Through His servant Paul, in Ephesians 5, God commands you to meet your wife’s needs. In the way only a husband can. Not to try. To do it. And some of her most important needs are in the emotional arena.

Listen to Your Wife

The first step in being a real lover is to learn to listen to your wife. Answer this true-false statement: Men, by nature, are exceptional, excellent listeners. You know the answer, don’t you? False! Only one man was born an excellent listener: Jesus Christ. The rest of us have to learn. And we must learn, because there isn’t a wife in the world who can feel genuinely loved and cherished in an Ephesians 5 way unless her husband listens to her.

All too often, while she is talking, you are not listening at all. Instead you tune her out and don’t hear a word she says. Most men are masters of the ancient and proud art of fake listening. We pretend to be listening to our wives when we’re not. It looks as if we are listening. All the signs are there: eye contact, leaning forward, nodding the head, a little smile frozen in place. We even give appropriate-sounding responses: “Yeah.” “Really?” “That’s fine, honey.” “Sure.” “Great.” “That’s nice.” The truth is, you have no idea what she just said.

It’s fun—until she nails you. Face it: you can’t fool a woman for long. With an edge to her voice she suddenly says these five horrible words: “Are you listening to me?” Funny how you always hear that phrase. You reply, “Yes, of course I am. I’m right here. I’m looking at you.” Then she follows up with those five other words that strike terror in every man’s heart: “What did I just say?” Rats. The jig is up. Now you’re in real trouble, buddy. The smell of burning rubber fills the room, and you are the one on fire. I can hear the umpire now as he recognizes the truth. You weren’t listening to her. Strike one! You lied about it. Strike two. You killed the conversation. Strike three!

When you don’t listen to your wife, communication can’t take place. That’s obvious. You also anger and hurt the woman you love. She thinks you don’t care about her because listening = caring. If you had any hope that day of her touching you and you touching her in a special way, forget it. When she catches you not listening, she won’t say, “Man, I love it when you don’t listen to me. It drives me wild. Come over here, Big Boy.” Not! You know what is going to happen. You are going to suffer, and it is your own listening-challenged fault.

Listen to your wife. Focus, reflect, and help her feel understood. If you don’t listen to her, she won’t feel loved. It’s one of her most personal and important needs. Learning how to be a good listener is a big part of being a lover.

Listen to Things You Aren’t Interested In

Your wife discusses numerous topics that you couldn’t care less about. However, this is where marriage demands that you man up. Because you care about her and you want her to know that, you must listen and show interest. Here are two examples of industrial strength listening from my marriage.

My wife, Sandy, is a “crafter.” A crafter is a woman who loves crafts. Sandy makes crafts, buys crafts, visits craft stores and craft fairs, and looks through all kinds of craft catalogs. You know what I figured out about crafts? All the craft stores, craft fairs, and craft catalogs sell the same five thousand items. It’s the same stuff no matter where you go! Look, when you have seen one stuffed rabbit holding a wooden heart, you have seen them all. And believe me, I have seen them all.

While it is bad enough to get dragged to all the places that sell crafts, Sandy also wants to talk to me about crafts. Does this interest me in even the slightest way? Nope. Do I listen to her? Yes. Why? Because I love her and want to show interest in the things she enjoys. Frankly I wouldn’t listen to any other woman on Earth talk about crafts; I would just walk away. For my precious Sandy, I listen. I enter the wonderful world of crafts because that is part of her world. (Plus, I want her to listen to my golf stories.)

My Sandy is also a shopper. Like a lot of women, she enjoys going on shopping trips, especially to clothing stores. I don’t mind her taking these trips. What’s tough is listening to Sandy’s blow-by-blow account of a three-hour shopping trip.

Do you have any idea what it is like listening to this? I’ll bet you do. A woman can take five hours to tell you about a three-hour shopping adventure. It’s the details—the endless, insufferable, obscure details. I don’t want to remember that many inconsequential bits of data. Sandy does and she wants me to hear them.

I could take it if Sandy just showed me what she bought. That would be fine. However, there is a story behind every purchase— and every item almost purchased. Then there’s a story behind every store she visited. Like the clerk at Walmart who is from Boise, Idaho, and Sandy used to have a friend whose boyfriend moved to Boise and really liked it there. It was sad that they broke up, but he started an organic farm and has done well raising cauliflower. Isn’t that interesting? No! But I listen to Sandy’s descriptions of her shopping trips because that is what a lover does. When I listen and get involved in these stories, Sandy feels loved. And that is my job: to make her feel loved.

Be an Active Listener

When your wife is talking, what she needs from you is understanding and emotional connection. She is sharing a part of herself with you and hoping you will join her in the experience. When she tells you a story, what she is really saying is: “Honey, this is who I am. Relive this event with me and you’ll know me better. And then we’ll be closer.” The point is not the story itself and the details of what happened. The point is what the story reveals about her. That is what she not only wants but also needs you to get about her. She needs you to engage in her world.

In addition to meeting your wife’s emotional needs, being an active listener is an important survival skill. When you listen passively to your wife and remain silent, a lot of bad things happen. For starters she will think you aren’t listening and will talk more, repeating details over and over, looking for some kind of reaction from you that indicates you are listening and understanding. React! You don’t want any more words, do you?

As her monologue continues, your brain is likely to get overwhelmed and automatically shut down. You will zone out, get distracted, or fall asleep. Of course, she will catch you not paying attention and get upset. Now she is angry and hurt, you’re an insensitive jerk who doesn’t care about her, and the next few hours (at least) are ruined. You have blown it, and now you’ll pay.

Being an active listener will take you from mind-numbing monologues to interesting and need-meeting dialogues with your wife. Here is how you do it.

No distractions

It takes all your attention to listen in an active, healthy way. Don’t do anything else but listen to her. No TV. No computer. No newspaper or magazine. No children. Your focus is her and what she is saying. You can’t even pick your nose and listen to her; you will get distracted. A few minutes into the conversation, when you find what you were looking for up there in your nostril, your wife will realize that she has lost out to a booger!

Set up the best possible environment for active listening. Sit down with your wife every day for thirty minutes in a comfortable, private place at home. This is your talk time. It is your job as her husband and lover to make sure these meetings happen. Shoot for seven days a week. If you miss a couple of days, that is OK; I understand everyone lives hectic lives. Even four or five focused conversations a week would be a huge boost for your marriage.

During these thirty minutes you lower the “Cone of Silence” over your relationship. Without any distractions (you won’t even answer the phone or respond to a knock on the door), you will have a good chance to be an active listener. We men are highly distractible creatures, so carving out this “just-the-two-of-us time” is essential.

Reflect and engage

As she talks, look right into her eyes. Feed back to her verbally her key words, phrases, and emotions. A caution: don’t repeat everything she says. Just the highlights and how she feels about what she is sharing. This selective repetition of content and identification of emotion is called “reflection.” What you are doing is letting her know you understand what she is saying and feeling.

When she is talking and sharing her story, say nothing original. It is all about her. You only open your mouth to repeat and rephrase what she is saying and the emotional reaction she is having about the experience she is describing. Later in the conversation you can share original thoughts, feelings, and even your famous logic. But not now. In the first part of the conversation the spotlight is on her.

The second active listening skill you need to bring to the conversation is engagement. Engage your wife by reacting emotionally as she speaks. When you reflect, you build understanding. When you engage, you connect with her on an emotional level. To engage is to walk in her shoes and try to feel what she is feeling. As she tells her story, you are reliving the experience with her.

Ask her questions about what she is describing. Work to mirror her emotions. If she is angry, you get angry. If she is happy, reflect that joyful mood. If she expresses sadness and is kind of depressed, you feel these emotions as well. No one, especially the husband, is perfect at this engagement process. Just do your best. Believe me, she will appreciate it. When she compares notes with her girlfriends (which she likely will), you will come out smelling like a rose.

How am I doing?

To learn these active listening skills, you need your wife to evaluate your progress. During these conversations ask her how you’re doing as a listener:

• “Do you think I’m getting it?”

• “Do you feel understood?”

• “Do you feel connected to me?”

Asking these questions will impress her and make her feel closer to you. The feedback she gives you will help you dramatically improve your listening skills. You can make corrections in the same conversation and get back on track. If she tells you that you have missed some content or you aren’t reacting with enough emotion, ask her to go over that part of the story again. That won’t bother her in the least! In fact, she will enjoy going over it again.

Let her teach you how to listen with reflection and engagement. She is a master of conversational skills—she has been doing it her whole life. Swallow your male pride and allow her to guide you in the active listening process. No one else has to know. This can be a secret between the two of you. When you listen actively, your wife will talk less. That’s a good thing. She’ll feel understood and loved, and your talks will become much more interesting, stimulating, and revealing. And that leads to intimacy. You will get drawn into the conversation and get warmed up. That will help you open up and talk when your turn comes.

Listen When There Is Conflict

If you want to be a lover, you have to listen closely to your wife when she is saying something difficult to hear. Criticism. Anger. Hurt. Intense negative emotion. Oh, boy. This is beyond tough. You know the drill. She is walking down the hallway and she’s coming for you. She has that look. You glance behind you, but the door is too far away. You’re trapped—trapped like a dog.

If you are like me, you will have to fight getting defensive, growing angry and firing back at her, or ignoring her and walking away. I hate conflict with Sandy. Absolutely hate it. I will do anything to get out of it, particularly if I think I am being unjustly accused. (Of course, I always think I’m being unjustly accused.)

It is especially important to be an active listener when you are in a conflict with your woman and her emotional intensity spikes. If you do anything else, you are wrong.

• If you use logic and patiently explain how what she is saying doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, you’re an unfeeling cad . . . and you are wrong.

• If you raise your voice just a little and express your position, you are mean, have hurt her feelings . . . and you are wrong.

• If you listen but don’t say anything, you are not paying attention to her and don’t care about what she’s saying . . . and you are wrong.

• If you tell her this really isn’t a good time to be discussing this (the last two minutes of the national championship, you have a huge work meeting in twenty minutes, or it’s midnight and you are flat on your back in bed and very drowsy . . . ), you are a selfish bozo, she won’t likely talk to you any time soon . . . and you are wrong.

Get the picture? When your woman is upset, let her talk and say nothing original until she has fully expressed herself and feels understood. Never interrupt a woman when she is on a roll—unless you want to suffer. As she points her finger and emotes all over the room, your job is to reflect and engage. You had better get comfortable because when a woman is upset, she talks twice as long.

It takes a real man, a courageous lover, to stand in the hurricane and be an active listener. But if you can pull this off, she will feel understood and calm down. Then you can give your view of the situation, and she will be able to listen. Keep in mind, it is always one at a time in a conflict conversation. One partner speaks and the other actively listens.

Talk to Her

Listening is crucial, but it is not enough to meet your wife’s emotional needs. To be an Ephesians 5:25 husband, you also have to talk to her—and I don’t mean safe, superficial topics. Reporting facts about your job, current events, finances, the kids, or sports won’t do her or your relationship any good. She can talk to the lawn man about these topics. I mean deeper, personal stuff. What do you think and feel inside about the events of your day? What are you worried about? How do you feel about your relationship with her, the kids, and close friends? What are your hopes and dreams? How is your walk with Christ? These are the topics your wife desperately wants you to share with her.

You may say, “Dave, I’m just not a talker.” That is a big, fat copout. I know because I used that line for years with Sandy. What you are telling her with that kind of excuse is, “I’m choosing not to meet one of your most important needs, even if it makes you feel unhappy and unloved for the rest of our marriage.” Now, if you are single, you don’t have to talk on such a personal level with a woman. That is fine—if you’re single. But you’re not. You married this woman and now you have to learn to talk to her.

You will never talk as much as she does. Don’t worry. You will never have her volume of words or emotional intensity. Still, you can work your way to the place where you talk enough to make her feel loved and close to you.

How to start? Try this. Prepare for your daily talk with your wife by carrying around a small notepad, which you can find in any drugstore. As you go through your day and things happen that you think might interest your wife, jot them down. It might be something that made you feel angry, frustrated, or happy, or an interesting interaction with another person. It might be something God showed you in Scripture or private prayer time. Then, during your one-on-one time, you will have a list of things to share. Don’t trust your memory: you don’t have one! Use the pad.

Understand and Respect Her

In 1 Peter 3:7, God delivers a devastating message to husbands:

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Read that last clause again carefully. If you don’t demonstrate understanding, consideration, and honor to your spouse, your prayers will be blocked! Your relationship with your heavenly Father will be limited. I am convinced this is the reason many husbands are spiritually dry. You can’t treat your wife poorly and expect closeness with God. That is what this verse says. Caring for your precious wife with understanding and respect is of paramount importance for God. It is so important that if you fail to do this, your communication with Him will dry up. That is the worst possible consequence.

The picture Peter painted here is of someone handling a delicate, fragile work of art of great value such as the Mona Lisa, the most famous painting in the world that hangs in The Louvre Museum in Paris, France.

What if I met you at one of my marriage seminars and handed you the Mona Lisa? I wonder: How you would handle it? With extreme care. You wouldn’t want to be known as the guy who dropped the Mona Lisa and broke it. Your wife has infinitely more value than a mere painting. God wants you—He orders you—to handle her softly and gently.

One way to obey this verse is to lower your voice when you are angry. Don’t act as if you are arguing with a buddy about politics or your favorite sports team. A loud voice and a harsh tone crush a woman’s spirit. Have you ever had this happen to you? Your wife is angry and raising her voice. She sounds mean and strong. But when you fire back one—just one—statement in a loud voice, she dissolves into tears. Suddenly you are the bad guy! This is because she is a very sensitive being and can’t tolerate harsh treatment. Keep your voice down. If you have an anger problem, get professional help to fix it.

Another way to be a 1 Peter 3:7 husband is to say, “I’m sorry,” when you blow it. Many husbands can’t seem to say these words. If your wife feels hurt or upset, you had better be sorry and you better say it. If she leaves the room in the midst of an argument, wait a few minutes. Then go after her. She may say, “Don’t bother following me.” Follow her anyway—that is what she wants. Say, “I’m sorry, honey,” and mean it. It has to be heartfelt to convince her. Keep saying it until she feels better. If she has been hurt, she needs your reassurance.

Finally, you can communicate understanding and respect by asking for her evaluation of you as a husband on a monthly basis. This takes guts, but it’s what a lover does. Ask her how you’re doing as a husband. Don’t assume you’re doing a good job. Ask her. She is the only one who knows. Take her evaluation seriously and make whatever adjustments she suggests. She will feel loved and honored. Not only will she smile, but also so will God.