Chapter 7

God Says: Be a Romancer and a Leader

FOR A WOMAN there is no real love without romance. In nearly twenty-five years as a clinical psychologist and seminar leader I have not seen a single exception to this rule. Not one. Your wife needs you to romance her regularly. If you fail to be a romancer, she will feel unloved and have an ache in her heart that will not go away.

Most men are romantic only during courtship. We’re not stupid. We realize what it takes to get her to say “yes” to our marriage proposal. When we’re pursuing her, we are romantic as all get out. Wining and dining and flowering and candying and talking. Yes, even talking! We are not going to talk after we get married, but she doesn’t have to know that.

When we have bagged her, like every great hunter we put her up on the wall in the den and find new fields to conquer. The pressure is off. Mission accomplished! We were Sir Lancelot, her dashing romantic hero on the white horse. Now we’re a slug, her boring intimacy avoider, wearing a hole in the recliner.

Listen, husbands, when you stop the romance, she assumes you don’t love her anymore. And she is absolutely right! You can’t convince her otherwise because she must be romanced to feel loved. You say, “I’m just not a romantic guy.” I say, “Fine. Get over it. Your wife needs romance!”

God Loves Romance!

The fact that your wife needs to be romanced didn’t originate with me. This is God’s idea. He created woman, and He makes it clear she needs her husband to romance her. God loves romance. He wants it to be an integral part of every marriage. There is even a whole book in the Bible devoted to romance, love, and sex: Song of Solomon. You have likely heard about Reader’s Digest condensed version of popular books. Well, here is the Dave Clarke condensed version of the Song of Solomon:

• Boy meets girl.

• Boy and girl fall in love.

• Boy is very romantic as he courts girl.

• Boy and girl get married.

• Boy continues to romance girl for the rest of their married life.

• Girl is happy, boy is happy, and their marriage is terrific.

• God is pleased and blesses them.

The boy is King Solomon. The girl is Shulamith. The Song of Solomon is the story of their courtship and marriage. The joy, passion, and fulfillment they experienced literally leap off the pages of this book. God wants their story to be your story. And it can be, if you learn how to romance your wife and then put those plans into action. That is what the Song of Solomon is all about; it is the secret to the powerful, enduring love between Solomon and his wife.

The Power of Verbal Romance

Read Song of Solomon 2:8–9, and you’ll get a clear picture of how Shulamith felt about her man, Solomon:

Listen! My beloved! Behold, he is coming, climbing on the mountains, leaping on the hills! My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, he is standing behind our wall, he is looking through the windows, he is peering through the lattice.

Shulamith is at home; Solomon has been out doing whatever kings do. With Solomon about to return home, these verses describe his wife’s anticipation. As he draws closer and closer, she is so excited she can barely contain herself. She even calls him a “young stag.” When was the last time your wife called you a young stag? (Yeah, thought so.) Does she tremble with excitement when she hears your car in the driveway? Does her heart flutter with passion as she rushes up to greet you? Probably not. You are lucky if she says, “Hi, honey” and gives you a token peck on the cheek.

Why? Why can’t Shulamith wait to see her man? Why does she go into spasms of joy when she knows he is about to come in the door? The answer appears in the first six verses of chapter 4. Here are some excerpts from this passage.

How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; your hair is like a flock of goats that have descended from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes. . . . Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate. . . . Your neck is like the tower of David. . . . Your two breasts are like two fawns.

Do you get it? Solomon romanced his lady! He treated her like a queen! He showered her with romantic word pictures of how gorgeous she was! That is why she loved him so much and looked forward to seeing him. She couldn’t wait to return his love.

If you want your woman to respond with the same kind of passion and intensity, you need to verbally romance her. Tell her often that she is beautiful!

Now, some cultural context: please don’t try Solomon’s descriptions today. A husband called me after he and his wife attended one of my marriage seminars to say, “Dave, your Song of Solomon romantic idea didn’t work for me.” I asked, “What do you mean?” He responded, “The other day my wife and I were coming out of church. I told her that the sunlight made her hair look like a flock of goats. She was insulted!” I replied, “You dummy! Those lines worked only back in those days. You need to come up with some contemporary romantic descriptions.” (You just can’t help some people.)

Instead imitate Solomon’s habit of verbalizing his love on a regular basis. He didn’t use a quick, “Love ya, honey;” he went overboard. Solomon is our role model. You may say, “I’m just not an expressive guy.” I say, “Fine. Get over it! Just like Shulamith, your wife needs to hear how beautiful she is, over and over and over.”

Your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, right? Well then, tell her. Compliment her physical beauty, her emotional beauty, and her spiritual beauty. Do it out loud, right to her face. Do it often. A woman never gets tired of this. Shulamith never said, “Oh, Solomon, stop! You’re embarrassing me with all these compliments.” She just drank in his verbal praise. Romance filled her heart with love, and she loved him right back.

I am not asking you to be like Solomon twenty-four hours a day. Frankly no one has that kind of stamina. Just romance your wife regularly and see what happens. She will feel loved! And that is your job: to make sure she feels loved. And you will be loved in return. You want your wife to be warm, soft, and attentive to your needs, don’t you? You want her to be more interested in sex and more passionate and responsive in the bedroom? Of course! That’s what all husbands want. Then romance her. It will be returned to you a hundred times over!

Create a Little Romance

To help get you started, here are some behaviors that your wife and you will find romantic:

One date a week

I strongly recommend you take your woman out on a date once a week. Just the two of you. No children. That is what babysitters are for. In fact, you be the one to call a babysitter and sign her up. Make sure you have a list of three or four teenage girls. Once they get a social life (i.e., a boyfriend), it’s often the kiss of death. If you can get family to watch your kids for free, fine. Or maybe you can babysit another couple’s kids one night, and they can babysit yours the next.

Early in the week look into your wife’s lovely eyes and ask, “Would you like to go out with me this Saturday night?” I say Saturday because that is my date night with Sandy. Women like to be asked. Sandy and I go out every Saturday night, but I still ask her every Monday or Tuesday. She doesn’t say, “Why are you asking me? I know we’re going out Saturday. We always do.” Oh, no. My queen smiles and says, “Yes, Dave. I would love to go out on Saturday.”

Don’t make your wife always come up with plans. You have a brain, don’t you? At least every other week you decide the plan for the date. Be creative. Plan something you think she would enjoy.

A walk in the evening

Taking a walk together around your neighborhood in the evening can be very romantic. Do this two or three times a week. It’s low-key, relaxing, and fun. Just make sure you hold her hand; physical contact is what creates the romantic mood. You are not walking with your mother, your aunt, or your sister. You are walking with your sweetheart! If your wife has a steel hook for a hand, hold the hook. It may be a little cold in the winter, but go ahead.

Sometimes husbands whine to me, “Oh, but it’s too hot to walk!” I tell these babies, “I know it’s hot. That’s the beauty of it. Walk with her and get all sweaty. Then take a shower together. It’s not about the walk, you dummy. It’s about the shower.”

A small gift

About once a month buy your wife an inexpensive little something. She will absolutely love the fact that you thought about her. It isn’t the gift but the love and thoughtfulness it symbolizes that she will appreciate. Remember: don’t give this gift to her in a plastic grocery bag or a plain brown wrapper! This isn’t dog food or groceries. Have someone at the store wrap it, or wrap it yourself.

A romantic card

Once about every two weeks get your dear wife a greeting card with a romantic message. This card must be gushy, mushy, and sentimental. Not “be my friend,” but, “Your stunning beauty and sweet spirit bring color and life into my dark and lonely world.” Or, “You are my perfect mate and satisfy the deepest longings of my heart.” You get the idea.

Be creative with the way you present her with the card too. Try leaving it on her pillow in your bedroom one time and at the dinner table the next. Then mail it to her. Put it on her car seat. Use your imagination. Please, please, please, don’t just sign your name. Your woman wants to read a paragraph from you about how much you love her and why. You don’t have to be Shakespeare. No one is going to publish your little love notes. Compliment her and thank her for being who she is. Write from your heart. She will love it and love you for doing it.

Ask her what she finds romantic

While most wives will feel loved and romanced with these four behaviors, they are just the tip of the romantic iceberg. Your wife needs to be romanced in a variety of ways. To make sure you are acting like her Sir Lancelot, ask her once every two months what she finds romantic. She thinks about romance all the time. She gets ideas about romance from her friends, books and magazines, and her own imagination. So she will likely offer a list of romantic ideas every time you ask. Write them down, follow through, do them, and you will be her romantic hero.

Touching without intercourse

Read that heading again: touching without intercourse. Do you have any idea what this is? Like most men, I didn’t always know. However, after years of research, I have made a stunning discovery—I should win the Nobel Prize in science for my breakthrough. I hope you are sitting down. Here it is: it is possible to touch a female without moving on to intercourse. Now I have only tested this on laboratory rats, but they are doing quite well. So I just know you human husbands can manage.

Touch your wife. Kiss her. Rub her neck. Make out with her and . . . that’s all. Don’t ask for intercourse. Can you picture this? She will be so shocked, she may say, “Honey, don’t you want something else?” That is your cue to say, “No, sweetheart, I’m just loving you for you.” You won’t mean it, but you’ll say it. Now the important part: stick with it!

Obviously there are times when you both will want to move on to the next level. God wants intercourse to be a regular part of every married couple’s life together, but not every time you touch her! If every time you lay a hand on her you push for intercourse, she will feel used and cheap. Ask your wife if that is true. She will tell you that Dr. Clarke is, once again, correct. Of course I am correct. I am an expert. Actually I learned this truth the hard way from my wife.

However, if your spouse insists on intercourse and begs you for it, go ahead. If that is her need, it is your sworn duty as her husband to meet it. As you frequently romance your queen and touch her without expecting intercourse, there may come a time when she says, “Young stag, take me! Take me now!”

Romance her when you don’t have to

Don’t romance your wife only on special occasions such as her birthday, Valentine’s Day, and your anniversary. Almost every dimwit husband in the world does that! God help you if you fail to come through on these dates! Romance her for no reason other than you love her. That is what it’s all about. You don’t do it because you have to or because she expects it. You do it because you love her. You want her to know that and to feel that.

Whatever you do, don’t start romance and then stop. This crushes a woman. It is better not to start at all than to start and then stop. All you have to do is keep up a steady stream of romance until you die. When you’re dead, I will let you off the hook. Your last words in the hospital, as you squeeze her hand, ought to be: “Well, I guess we’re not going out on our date this weekend.” And then you’re gone, leaving a legacy as a man who loved his woman and romanced her to the end.

Be a Leader

Finally, God says: be a leader.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

—EPHESIANS 5:22–24

That is a pretty clear message, isn’t it? Headship equals leadership. God gave us, as husbands, the job of leader in the marriage relationship and in the home. More husbands fail in this area than in almost any other. Why? Because being a leader is difficult. How do we figure out the right way to lead our wives? By looking at Jesus. As in every area of life we need to follow the example Christ set when He walked the earth. Here are some ideas.

Lead as Christ led

To be a biblical leader we must lead as Christ led. In Matthew 20:25–28 Jesus summed up His leadership style:

You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.

One of the most powerful illustrations of Christ’s commitment to lead by serving appears in John 13:3–5. Read this passage and try to picture in your mind what Jesus is doing.

Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, got up from supper, and laid aside His garments and taking a towel, He girded Himself. Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded.

Can you imagine this scene? Jesus Christ is washing the disciples’ dirty, dust-covered feet. And these men walked everywhere!

This is the King of the universe washing smelly, dust-covered feet that likely stunk worse than your gym bag after you stow it in the corner of your closet for a month! Why? Because that is what a leader does. The bottom line is this: Christ, God and Savior, was (and is) a servant-leader, one who leads by identifying the needs of others and meeting them. Husbands are to be servant-leaders, leading their wives by serving them.

If you lead by serving, your woman will follow you anywhere. If you serve your wife faithfully by meeting her needs, it makes it easier for her to submit to you. It makes it easier for her to support you in a decision with which she disagrees. It makes it easier for her to love and respect you. And it makes it easier for her to meet your needs.

Here are four practical ways you can be a servant-leader:

Method one: Do your share of household chores

Don’t do only the bare minimum. Do more than you have to do! This is the most obvious way to be a servant-leader. Can you imagine Jesus living in a home and not lifting a finger? Sitting on the couch all day? Avoiding jobs whenever possible? No way! I know, you think you have your wife’s welfare in mind when you don’t do much around the house. After all, you are trying to prepare her for widowhood. Right! In truth you are just being selfish and lazy. I know, because that is how I used to be.

Just like my wife, Sandy, your wife wants to be part of a team. The condition of her house is extremely important to a woman, and she needs your help to keep it clean and in order. Ask your wife every day what chores need to be done. Do your part by completing regular jobs faithfully and asking her about extra ways you can be of service. She will feel closer to you. She will follow you. She will also devote more time and energy to you.

Method two: Meet her needs

If you fail to meet your wife’s needs, you are not fulfilling your responsibilities as a servant-leader. Remember, it is not your duty to meet all of her needs, just the needs a husband can meet. Unlike Jesus, you don’t know what her needs are; don’t assume you automatically know. You will be wrong. The only way to find out is to ask her daily—more than once—about needs. Your wife is an emotional, unpredictable creature, and so her needs will change throughout the day. Ask her in the morning before you go to work. Call her at lunchtime and ask her. When you get home from work, ask her again.

Make it clear to her that you are not just willing to do chores. You want to know about her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs—the whole enchilada. Just asking communicates love and concern, but following through is even better. So don’t ask unless you intend to do something. Do what I do when I ask Sandy what her needs are: to make certain I don’t forget, I jot them down on my pad so I won’t disappoint her.

Method three: Include her in decisions

Always, always, always ask your wife for input before any significant decision. If you are not sure of its significance, then ask. It is demeaning, insulting, and a failure in servant-leadership to make any important decision without first consulting her. To put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if she went out and bought a family sedan without even telling you she planned to do it? You need to consider her viewpoint, wisdom, and intuition. After all, she is your equal partner in this relationship, not someone you can boss around as king! Besides, how can you expect her to support you in a decision that she has no part in making?

Involve her in household finances. She needs to know where every penny is going. Make financial decisions together: major purchases, developing a budget, investments, and tithing all require her input. Whether she has an accounting degree or relies on you to pay bills, balance the checking account, and manage the credit and debit card statements is irrelevant. I know husbands who tell their wives absolutely nothing about their financial situation. Why? Is this top secret information? Are you in the CIA? Tell her! Keep her involved.

Method four: Be her champion

Your woman is more than your wife and a mother. She is a person with her own gifts, abilities, hopes, and dreams. Every wife needs to develop her own life outside the home. She needs her own identity, activities, and unique way of impacting the world for Christ. She loves being a wife and a mom, but she needs more.

One of your jobs as a servant-leader is to be her champion as she branches out and fulfills her dreams as an independent person. Ask her what she wants to do with other facets of her life. It may be time with her girlfriends, more education, a job outside the home, service in the church, a hobby, or a combination of all these. When she tells you what she needs, do everything you can to help her. She has gone to great lengths for you and the kids, hasn’t she? Now it is her turn.

Caution: Don’t let your imagination run wild here. She won’t go crazy and leave you and the kids in the lurch. She won’t run off to Hawaii to follow her dream of surfing the Banzai Pipeline. She will still be a great wife and mother. But she will also be joyful, content, confident, and energized as a person. And appreciative of the man who encouraged her and helped her spread her wings.

A Final Challenge

I know you love your wife. Now you must learn to love her the way she needs to be loved. The way I have described in these last three chapters. The way God says to love her: be a godly man, be a lover, be a romancer, and be a leader.

Whew! It is a lot to take in, isn’t it? It is not going to be easy to carry out these four roles. You need help to do it. That is why I wrote this book. You can read the rest of it if you want. That would certainly be helpful for you, but you don’t have to. Your wife has and will be asking you to do certain behaviors. If you want to become the husband she needs you to be, you will decide to work with her and do what she asks. It will be good for her. It will be good for you. It will be very good for your marriage. So don’t resist. Cooperate and your life together will blossom.