Chapter 8

Smiling on the Outside, Dying on the Inside

THE WIFE AND husband settled in on my couch for our first joint therapy session. In their mid- to late thirties, they had been married almost fifteen years and had two children. Both professed to know Christ personally and were actively involved in a Bible-teaching church. However, when I asked them why they had come to see me, it became clear very quickly that they had the classic “married . . . but lonely” marriage.

The husband told me I would have to find out from his wife why they were there, because he didn’t have a clue. I thought to myself, “You’re right, Buddy. You don’t have a clue.” I knew exactly what he was going to say next. I could have mouthed the words right along with him. He gave me the same speech that hundreds of intimacy avoiders have delivered in my office. Here it is, with my editorial comments—things I thought but did not say out loud—added:

He Just Doesn’t Get It

Husband: I’m happy in our marriage.

Me: Well, that’s great for you. Isn’t there someone else involved?

Husband: We’re doing fine.

Me: If you say so, then it must be true.

Husband: We have a good life. We make a good income and have a nice home, good investments, two vacations a year, great friends, two super kids, a terrific church, and good health.

Me: Ah, the American dream! Guess what? A good life doesn’t equal a good marriage. Funny thing—you didn’t mention love, passion, or intimacy.

Husband: I’m a good husband. I don’t drink, go to bars, do drugs, beat her, or have affairs. I work hard, provide for my family, go to church, and take care of the yard and the cars.

Me: No one is questioning your character. I will acknowledge that you’re a good guy, not a monster. But being a good husband requires communication skills, romance, and spiritual leadership. God doesn’t say, “Don’t be a monster.” God says, “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church” (Eph. 5:25).

Husband: I’m not the most romantic guy in the world.

Me: Translation: I’m about the least romantic guy in the world.

Husband: We have a good sex life.

Me: Translation: “I get sex when I want it.” Sex might be good for you, but I doubt it’s good for her.

Husband: My wife is a good woman. She takes care of all my needs. She cleans the house, does the laundry, cooks the meals, and takes care of the kids.

Me: It sounds as though you’re describing Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart. Or your mother. And it’s still all about you. How about your wife and her needs? What do you do for her?

Husband: We’re older now. So our love isn’t the passionate, intense kind we had back when we first got together. Still, it is a solid, committed, and comfortable love.

Me: What are you, ninety years old? It sounds as though you’re talking about an old shoe. Commitment is good, but commitment plus romance, excitement, and emotional closeness is much better. That’s what God desires for you both.

Husband: I love my wife.

Me: No, you don’t. Not by God’s definition. And not by hers either. Love is something you do.

Husband: We don’t have any marriage problems. We don’t need a psychologist.

I did speak after this last comment. I almost said, “Mr. Intimacy Avoider, if you have no marriage problems, what are you doing here in my office?” Fortunately, with great effort, I bit my tongue and instead said, “OK, thanks for sharing. That’s your view, and I understand how you see things. Now let’s hear from your wife.”

She Didn’t Help Him Get It

As she prepared to talk, the wife looked uncomfortable. She fidgeted, smoothed her dress out a few times, and shot nervous glances at her husband and me. I knew—just knew—that she was going to deliver the standard, “I’ll nibble around the edges and ask for changes without causing him to be angry or hurt” wimpy state-of-the-marriage address. And that is exactly what she did. Below are her words, accompanied by my unspoken thoughts:

Wife: Honey, I want you to know first of all that you are a really good husband.

Me: No, he’s not! The man’s an IA! Please, I’m begging you, don’t list all of his good points as a husband.

Wife: It would be hard to list all your good points as a husband, but let me try. You work hard, you provide the money we need to live, you’re a great dad, you help around the house, you don’t drink or do other sinful behaviors that would harm me and the kids, you take care of the cars, you keep the yard looking beautiful . . .

Me: I think I’m going to throw up. You are dying inside because you have no emotional connection to this man, but at least when you look out the window the yard is gorgeous. I bet you wouldn’t mind having the most scraggly, weed-infested yard in the neighborhood if you could just have two or three deep, personal conversations a week with your husband.

Wife: I love you, honey. And I know you love me. We have a good life together.

Me: Stop calling him honey! Don’t say you love him and that he loves you. That is not what he needs to hear. You are being way too nice!

Wife: But there are a few things in our marriage I want to see improve. Over the last few years especially I just haven’t felt like we . . .

Me: Too late. Don’t bother. You took too long getting to the but part. Your husband is not going to listen to your real concerns. Why should he? You just spent five minutes complimenting him and confirming what he already believes: that he is a good husband, the two of you still love each other, you have a good life together, and what in the world are we doing in this shrink’s office? If you were a boss and were telling an employee how to improve his job performance, maybe you would begin by listing his good points. This is a very different situation.

Just as she tentatively tiptoed into telling her husband about the weak areas of their marriage, he glanced at me with a little smirk on his face. His look said it all: “See, Doc, what did I tell you? You heard her. We’re OK. She may have a few minor beefs, but our marriage is strong; it is fine. Doggone it, I’m a good husband.” With her husband only half-listening, she finally shared what she thought was wrong with their marriage:

Our main problem is communication. We only talk about superficial, mundane things: home improvements, our jobs, the kids’ activities and schedules, and what our parents are doing. We don’t sit down together and really talk. He doesn’t open up and share on a personal level. I want to know who he is and what he’s thinking and feeling inside. I love him. I’m glad I married him. He’s good to me. But I don’t know him. I want intimate, deep conversations that will lead to real closeness. We get along, but I want more than that. I don’t know, maybe I’m asking for too much. None of my girlfriends have this kind of emotional connection with their husbands either.

I would also like us to learn how to work through conflicts. Honey, please don’t clam up and walk away when we have something difficult or painful to discuss. When you do, it leaves me hanging. I want to talk out my feelings and reach some kind of a resolution. When you refuse to face the conflict, all my emotions get bottled up inside and that hurts me. Plus, we can’t work out any solution or compromise. Life just goes on. I think you forget about the issue, but I don’t.

At this point in the session, I sensed that this lady harbored an Olympic-sized pool of smoldering resentments. I could feel the anger percolating in her like my morning coffee. I tried to tap it by asking, “It makes you really angry when he won’t deal with a conflict, doesn’t it?” She responded, a little too quickly, “Oh, no. Not angry. Just hurt and a little disappointed.”

I thought to myself, “Baloney. You’re angry all right. It’s buried deep, but it’s there.” So I tried again (out loud): “I think all the missed opportunities for conversation, the lack of emotional intimacy, and his refusal to allow you to express yourself in conflicts have created resentments inside you. I don’t think you want these resentments, but I think you have them.”

She looked shocked and stammered back, “No! No, no, no. I don’t resent my husband. I do get hurt and frustrated when we don’t talk personally or deal with a conflict, but those feelings go away. I think you’re misunderstanding me. Our marriage is good. I just want it to be better.”

I could have said, “Stop saying your marriage is good. Every time you say that, you reinforce your husband’s belief that you don’t need therapy, that you are happy with him, and that your marriage doesn’t require any changes. The case you just gave for improving your marriage is weak and didn’t even get close to getting your husband’s attention.

“Your comments were way too general. Way too nice and sweet. There was no punch. No urgency. No emotion. I got the impression you were talking about someone else’s marriage that could stand just a little improvement. This is your marriage, and you’re not paying me your hard-earned money to tell me you’re doing well and just want a few changes. You’re smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.

“When your husband won’t meet your important, God-given needs, it hurts you and angers you. Every single time. And when you aren’t even allowed to vent those feelings, they turn into resentment. You’re still able to stuff these resentments down deep. You’re not even aware you have them. But they’re there, and if I can’t get you to tap into them and express them directly with your husband, they will eventually destroy your respect and love for him. It’s already happening, and you don’t even realize it.”

I could have said these things, but I didn’t. At least not right then. The therapy hour was up, and it wouldn’t have done any good anyway. This wife was not ready to admit that her marriage was lousy and that she was hanging on to some heavy-duty resentments against her husband. I went to plan B and scheduled individual therapy sessions with each of them for the following week. Sometimes I can get through to a spouse when I see him or her alone.

“She’ll Get Over It, Doc”

I had forty-five minutes to convince this husband that his marriage was in serious trouble and changes were necessary. As he sat down, I said, “I want you to listen to me for the next fifteen minutes. Listen closely. You have a serious problem on your hands. I’m taking the gloves off, and I’m going to give it to you straight.” Here’s a brief summary of the points I hammered home:

• “This is your second session in a Christian psychologist’s office. Your wife asked you to come to therapy. There is no way she would do that unless she was very concerned about your marriage. That is serious.”

• “You are an intimacy avoider. Like many husbands, you keep all your feelings and thoughts locked away inside. You don’t talk personally with your wife. You don’t share with her what’s going on in your life, career, spiritual walk with God, relationship with her, or your hopes and dreams. That is serious.”

• “From the history I took of your childhood in our first session, I know why you’re an intimacy avoider. Your father is an intimacy avoider. He taught you how to clam up and stuff everything personal way down deep. Your mom put up with it, so naturally you expect your wife to put up with it. That is serious.”

• “You are not obeying God’s instructions for a husband. You are not loving her the Ephesians 5:25 way, which is loving her the way Christ loved the church. You are not loving her the 1 Peter 3:7 way, which is treating her gently and tenderly meeting her needs. You are not loving her the Song of Solomon way, which is loving her with passion and romance. You are not loving her the Ephesians 5:23–24 and John 13:3–5 way, which is leading her by serving her. You are loving her your way, not God’s way. That is serious.”

• “I know from our first session that your sex life isn’t full of passion, excitement, or intimacy. In fact, it is boring and routine. I’m telling you frankly, that is your fault. Your wife cannot respond sexually unless she is emotionally connected to you. Your sex life is pretty poor, isn’t it? How about no sex at all? That is in your future if you don’t become a better husband. That is serious.”

• “Your wife’s number-one need is to feel close to you. She wants and needs to experience life together, not as two separate persons. To have the Genesis 2:24 one-flesh relationship God desires for every married couple, you must learn to open up and share personally. As long as you’re an intimacy avoider, you won’t meet this critical, God-given need in her life. That is serious.”

• “Over the years you have hurt your wife repeatedly. I know you haven’t meant to, but you have. Every time you clammed up and chose to not share personally, you hurt her. Every time you avoided talking through a conflict, you hurt her. Every time you failed to romance her, you hurt her. All those hurts are still there, inside of her. They have turned into resentments and are eating away at her love for you. If she doesn’t express them soon, she will hit the wall and have no feelings for you at all. That is really serious.”

After firing these verbal bullets, I sat back and waited for his angry, defensive, and rationalization-filled response. I wasn’t disappointed. He quickly told me he disagreed and said the terrible picture I had painted of his marriage wasn’t even close to the truth. “Look, things aren’t that serious,” he said, shrugging. “I know I can be a better husband, but I’m doing a good job. Nobody’s perfect. She’s a little upset now, but it’ll pass. I know my woman. She’ll get over it, Doc. She always does.”

And then he added the real kicker, the statement that revealed why he thought his marriage was fine: “Doc, you’re saying we’re in serious trouble, but she’s not saying that. You heard her in that first session. She’s not angry. She’s not letting me have it. She may want some improvements, but she’s not telling me she resents me.”

“I know she’s not letting you have it,” I replied. “But believe me, she has big-time resentments against you. She’s stuffing them and faking it with you. Like most good wives, she finds it very difficult to express anger, deep hurt, and resentments with you. One day, though, she will be through faking and will turn completely away from you. Her resentments will drive her to give up on you and move on rather than just live in a cold, emotionless, romanceless cell. You have a small window of opportunity to act and stop her from writing you off. So you had better get to work.”

I urged him to quickly do three things:

1. Call his mother and have a heart-to-heart talk about what it was really like living with his dad, the original IA.

2. Work to change as a husband and love his wife the way she needed to be loved.

3. Encourage—push if necessary—his wife to express directly all her resentments.

He refused all three action steps. He just couldn’t see what all the fuss was about: “I know you mean well, Doc, but all this psychobabble isn’t for us. When you see her in her session tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll realize that she’s not all that upset.”

Good Wives Don’t Get Angry, Do They?

Well, so far I had batted zero for one. Now I had forty-five minutes to convince his wife that it was essential to get in touch with her resentments and express them directly to her husband. I knew something she didn’t: her marriage was at stake. So I went after her hammer and tongs with these arguments:

• “You are filled with anger and hurt. All of your husband’s intimacy avoider behaviors have created a vast pool of inner resentments. Don’t tell me he is a good husband. He is a lousy husband! Don’t tell me you’ve forgiven him for not meeting your most important needs. You haven’t! To forgive, you first must express the pain directly to the one who caused it.”

• “If you don’t get your resentments out, even if he genuinely changed, it wouldn’t make any difference to you. It wouldn’t be enough because the resentments would outweigh his improvements. Every mistake he made would energize the resentment pool.”

• “I wouldn’t worry about him changing. If you don’t tell him your resentments, he won’t realize how serious things are. He will keep thinking what he is thinking now—that your marriage is fine and dandy. So he won’t change. He has no reason to do anything differently! That is your fault.”

• “Your unexpressed resentments will limit your ability to be a good wife. You will be irritable and impatient with him, you won’t be supportive and encouraging, you won’t be a responsive sexual partner, you will overreact and be nastier in conflicts, and you won’t meet his needs.”

• “Worst of all, it is likely your resentments will kill your feelings of respect and love. The day will come when you are completely numb toward him. You won’t care; you will just want out of the marriage. Don’t look so shocked. It’s already happening. You haven’t hit the wall yet, but you’re awfully close.”

She admitted that she did have some “anger, hurt, and resentment” because of her husband not meeting her needs. Then she added, “It isn’t that much, and I don’t want to express these feelings to him.” Here are her four reasons and my responses:

Wife: Expressing anger and resentments just isn’t Christian.

Me: No, it is Christian. The Bible teaches us to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15, NLT), to “be angry, and yet do not sin” (Eph. 4:26), and to deal directly with anyone with whom we have an unresolved issue (Matt. 5:23–24).

Wife: But telling him how I really feel wouldn’t be submissive.

Me: Quite the opposite. A big part of being submissive is being honest with your husband. Your job is to help him lead. How can he be an effective leader if he doesn’t know what you need? Plus, your buried resentments will cause you to undermine his authority.

Wife: I’m scared of my anger. If you’re right, and it’s pretty intense, I don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t like being angry. I was raised not to be angry, because it leads to damaged relationships.

Me: OK, now we’re getting to the real reasons. It will be difficult and scary to express your internalized anger. But you can do it, and you will not drop dead or turn into a crazy woman. You will clean it out and feel much better. You need to be much more scared of the anger you don’t express. It will do tremendous damage to you, your husband, and your marriage.

Wife: If I dump all this anger and resentment you say I have on my husband, he will be hurt. He will probably get angry back at me. He will be offended and pull farther away from me.

Me: He will be hurt, angry, and offended. I sure hope he is. Husbands only change when you scare them, rattle their cage, rock their world, and get their attention. He’s like all the intimacy avoiders I have seen. He wants your marriage to stay the way it is and will only change if he must. When he feels your genuine hurt and anger and knows you will not continue to accept the way things are, then he will change. If you keep stuffing your emotions, he will never change because he won’t see any need to change. If you vent your resentments, he will see how serious things are and be motivated to change. He will finally get it.

I urged her to write a letter to her husband—a letter with all her resentments expressed in living color. No holding back. The truth—in love. I asked her to write as much as she needed: “If it is forty pages long, so be it.” I concluded by telling her I would have her read it at our next joint marital session.

I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn’t going to do it. She said her pastor and a well-known Christian author she had been reading had recommended a different approach: forget the past, pray, quickly forgive her husband, and then focus on loving him unconditionally. Eventually he would come around and be the husband she had always dreamed he’d be. She thanked me for my time and said she wouldn’t need any more of my services.

I fought the urge to gag. I wanted to say, “My dear lady, this approach you’re going to try is the same approach you have been trying for years. How is it going so far?” Instead, trying to be the gracious psychologist, I wished her well and said to call me if she changed her mind.

I Hate It When I’m Right

Ten months later this same couple was sitting in front of me. But, oh, what a difference! This time the husband had called to make the appointment. He sat on the edge of my couch, nervous and sweating. The wife looked like a totally different woman. She was as cold as an Arctic blast. Her face was expressionless. She showed no emotion, except for irritation she was in my office. “She’s hit the wall,” I thought.

When she opened her mouth, she said exactly what I expected. She wanted out of their marriage. She had finally gotten sick and tired of living with this man. She had no feelings for him and didn’t care about him. Period. She had only come today to try and get it through his thick skull that it was over. She had gotten an apartment, her own checking account, and an attorney. He would be served with divorce papers shortly. All she wanted from him was a friendly divorce.

Her husband was devastated. A shell of his former confident self. He finally “got it,” but now it was too late. He finally sighed through tears, “Doc, you were right. I wish I would have listened.” She never came back to therapy after that session. I saw him in about ten individual sessions, and we accomplished some good work together. Although he changed as a man and a husband, his wife couldn’t have cared less. Her resentments were still bottled up inside, and they drove her away from him. Never wavering, she divorced him.