Chapter 9

Speak the Truth in Love

DO YOU THINK the story of the couple I described in chapter 8 is unusual? Do you think they are a rare exception? Do you think that losing your love for your husband and wanting out of your marriage could never happen? Think again. The resentments against your husband that you are holding inside are pushing you closer and closer to “the wall.” Sooner or later you will smash into it. When you do, you won’t care about him anymore.

You might stay married, and I hope you do. But you won’t love him. At best you will tolerate him and go through the motions of being his wife. You will do it for the kids and out of obedience to God, but your heart won’t be in it.

The Wife Who Wants Out

In the past ten years of my clinical practice I have seen a huge increase in the number of Christian wives who leave their husbands. The story is always the same. The wife works hard to be the best partner possible, hoping and praying that her IA will respond to her loving behavior by meeting her needs. Month after month, year after year, he doesn’t. He doesn’t listen, talk, romance her, and lead her spiritually. He just doesn’t.

She gets hurt, frustrated, and angry each time he fails to love her the way she needs to be loved. Yet, being the good Christian wife, she chokes down these painful feelings and soldiers on. Maybe tomorrow he will change, or next week. Maybe by Easter or Christmas. Maybe this coming Valentine’s Day. Maybe after the pastor’s series on marriage. Maybe after the marriage seminar. Maybe after he sees two of our close friends divorce. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Each maybe that slips past with no change adds a little more rejection, disappointment, and hurt, adding a touch more anger to the growing pool of resentment in her heart. One day this “good Christian wife” wakes up and decides she’s had enough! She is through with the maybes and through with him. She may have gone five, seven, or even twenty years, but she isn’t going any further.

Her exit from the marriage seems terribly sudden, but it isn’t. It has been coming slowly but surely for a long time. Her resentments have finally filled her heart, leaving no room for any love for that man who has—one hurt at a time—robbed her of her deepest desires in life.

You May Not Divorce, but You Will Suffer

Your stuffed resentments may not push you into divorce court. I fervently hope they don’t. Still, they will cause you to suffer in many areas of your life.

Emotional pain

Your resentments will attack your psychological system. You may have heard that repressed anger leads to depression. That is true. It will provoke a broad range of emotional problems: depression; generalized anxiety; panic attacks; worry; insomnia; addictions to food, spending, and alcohol; lowered self-esteem; increased insecurities; or a pattern of negative thinking and cynicism.

Physical pain

Your pool of stuffed, negative feelings will travel to the weak areas of your body, wreaking havoc. Does your family have a history of heart trouble? That is where your resentments will go. I have observed resentments cause (or worsen) many physical diseases: kidney problems, back pain, migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, skin conditions, and arthritis.

Spiritual pain

As long as you continue to hold internal grudges against your husband, your relationship with God will suffer. God commands us to forgive others as He has forgiven us (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13), but you haven’t forgiven your husband. If you don’t forgive your husband, God won’t forgive you (Matt. 6:14–15, 18:21–35; Mark 11:25–26). You desperately need to be close to your heavenly Father; your relationship with Him is precious and vital. Unexpressed grudges will separate you from God. You will still know Him and be His child, but you won’t be close to Him.

Parental pain

Your resentments will seriously hamper your ability to love, nurture, and train your children. It takes a great deal of emotional and physical energy to interact with children every day.

You won’t have any reserves because you are spending all your energy keeping your grudges alive. You won’t have patience as a mother and will often get irritable and angry with your kids. You will overreact, yell too much, and punish them too harshly.

Marital pain

Your pool of resentments will cause two major consequences in marriage. First, you won’t be a good wife. Carrying around all your grudges against your husband will prevent you from fulfilling your God-given role as a wife. You won’t be able to respect him, support him, submit to his leadership, be patient with him, or love him. Every time he makes a mistake, even a small one, it will energize your pool of grudges, and you will pull a little farther away.

The second consequence is that he won’t change. If you never tell him exactly what he has done to hurt and offend you, he will never know. Since he has no idea what he has done, he will have no idea what he needs to change. I can’t overemphasize this point: he will never get it without you telling him. Thinking your marriage is as good as it can be, he will remain an IA. You might as well get his headstone carved now:

Here lies Clive

He communicates as much now as when he was alive

Born an intimacy avoider

Lived an intimacy avoider

Died an intimacy avoider

Can You Relate?

Does any of this sound familiar? Can you relate to the pain in these five areas? I’ll bet you can. Like thousands of wives I have counseled in my office, at seminars, or via e-mail and phone, I will bet you have been living with pain for some time—way too long. It is time to stop the pain, get healthy, forgive, and give your IA husband a crystal-clear picture of what he is doing to cause you pain.

I know you are probably reluctant to open up and let all this pain out. You have some reservations, don’t you? You want to make sure this is the right thing to do. I understand. Before I describe how to get rid of the pain, let me address what I see as your major concerns.

“But I don’t hold any grudges!”

Please. Don’t even go there. Men don’t tend to hold grudges. We are not that sensitive and our memories are terrible. We forget everything. Women, however, hold grudges. You are sensitive creatures and can’t help taking things personally. It is how God made you. You never forget anything. You remember every detail of past events, especially whenever they involved some kind of emotional pain.

You are still holding a grudge against Susie Finklemeyer, that ditzy redhead in fifth grade who told Bobby Bushwacker that you liked him. Aren’t you? You can still remember and feel intensely the embarrassment when you realized Susie had finked on you. You were wearing your yellow, leopard-spotted sweater and standing in line at the lunch counter.

Be honest with yourself. One of the deepest longings of your heart is to be close to your husband. Each time he prevents that closeness from developing, it is a blow, an injury. It hurts and makes you angry. Don’t deny it. Don’t kid yourself into believing it is not that big a deal. It is a big deal. It is a huge, massive deal! That dream was strongest on the most important day of your life with all its memories: your wedding day.

Get out of denial. It is OK to admit that you are hurt and angry—even resentful—at your husband.

“But I’ve told him what upsets me!”

You may think you have already told him about your feelings regarding his lack of communication, romance, and leadership. Maybe you have, but I can say with absolute certainty he hasn’t gotten the message. Your husband’s brain is thick as a brick. The occasional comment about what he’s doing wrong as a husband will glance off his Teflon, clueless skull. He forgot what you said thirty seconds later and went looking for the potato chip bag.

There is only one way to punch through his witlessness and get him to see right through to your heart pain. That is to give it to him straight, tough, direct, and all at one time. The whole emotional enchilada, right in the kisser. In a bit I will show you how to do that.

“What does the Bible say?”

I am glad you asked. My direct, confront-your-husband-withthe-truth approach is clearly taught in the Bible. That is where I got it. This isn’t my idea; it is God’s idea. Ephesians 4:26–27 commands us to:

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Paul is acknowledging that we all get angry, but we need to express that anger in the right way so we don’t sin. If we hold anger in, we give the devil an open door to attack us. I believe Satan uses the resentment and bitterness created by our stuffed feelings to destroy us and our relationships. The only way to prevent this is to get the anger out. The sooner the better.

We are taught to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15, NLT). You have some important truths to tell your husband about what he has done to hurt you. In Galatians it says we should “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2). How can your husband bear your burdens if he has no idea what they are? You have to tell him!

The Bible instructs to confront another whenever something has happened that is negatively impacting a relationship (Matt. 5:23–24; 18:15–17). It may be something the other person has against us or something we have against the other person. It may be sin in the other person’s life. Whatever the issue, we are to go and speak to that person directly.

The Bible provides example after example of confrontation:

• Samuel confronted King Saul (1 Sam. 15:1–35).

• Nathan confronted King David (2 Sam. 12:1–14).

• Jesus confronted the Pharisees (Matt. 23:13–36) and His disciples (Matt. 16:23; Mark 9:33–37).

• Jesus confronted Martha (Luke 10:38–42).

• Paul confronted Peter (Gal. 2:11).

Why is confronting your husband with the truth of your resentments so important? Because it cleans your system of negative, destructive emotions; leads to forgiveness; and promotes emotional, physical, and spiritual health. In addition, it will make you a better mother and help you continue loving your spouse and fulfilling God’s role for you as his wife. Finally, it gets his attention and creates the possibility of change in your marriage.

That is why you do it. Here is how you do it.

Your Letter of Resentments

I want you to write your husband a letter expressing all the resentments you are holding against him. Go all the way back to the beginning—the day you met him. Think back over your history and pray that God will bring up all the painful memories that need to be flushed out. To purge the pain and genuinely heal and forgive, you must put down on paper what happened and describe how you feel about that.

Go into as much detail as possible about what he has done to anger, offend, hurt, and disappoint you. You will write out the events and the emotions they stirred. Details are important because your pain is connected to them. If you don’t get the details out, you won’t get your pain out. Plus you are dealing with a man. For him to get it and actually realize what it has been like to be his wife, you have to paint him a very clear picture.

You need to be nothing less than completely and brutally honest in this letter of resentments. You are going to give it to him straight, and you will not spare his feelings in any way. You will not let him down easy. You will not rationalize or excuse his behavior. You will not blame the hurtful things he has done on his childhood, his personality, or his stressful job. You will not bring up your mistakes in the marriage. That will be done in another stage of the Husband Transformation process. All you will admit to now is enabling his mistakes by tolerating them.

This letter is going to be negative. Absolutely all of it. Do not—I repeat, do not—put any positives of any kind in the letter. Many “experts” recommend that in a confrontation you should compliment the other person because this softens the blow and helps him receive and act on your message. Here, they are wrong! Not even close to being right.

We don’t want to soften the blow! If you patty-cake around by praising him, your message will be diluted. He will just hear the praise and think, “I’m not such a bad guy. She is not that upset. My mistakes aren’t that serious.” He won’t get it. You will have wasted your time. You will be positive at other times in this strategy. Not now.

After hearing my explanation of this letter, wives often respond, “Oh, but I don’t want to be too hard on him. I don’t want him to be angry and upset.” I tell them, “There is no way you can be too hard on him. Yes, you do want him to be angry and upset. Rattled. Shaken to the core. Blown away. I know husbands. If you give him only one positive comment, he will seize on that and remember nothing else you say.”

You want this to be a letter he will never forget. A letter that will finally break through his “things are OK” wall and help him understand and feel your pain. A letter that will play a major role in changing his life.

You won’t write this letter in one sitting. Digging deep and reliving the pain will be physically and emotionally exhausting. Chip away at it. Write for thirty minutes today, an hour tomorrow, forty-five minutes two days later, and so on. It may take a week or two to complete this message. Let it flow. Don’t worry about grammar, punctuation, or spelling. This is from-the-gut, fromthe-heart, let-it-all-hang-out writing.

The prelude

Go to your husband, sit him down, look him straight in his eyes, and say, “_________ (his name), I want to set up a meeting three days from now.” (He will probably look sickened and think, “Oh no, not another meeting!”) Then continue, “I’m ready for the next step in Dr. Clarke’s strategy. I am going to tell you some very personal, difficult, and painful things. I don’t want the kids in the house when I do it. Please arrange for someone else to watch them during this time.”

Once you have scheduled the meeting, get up and leave. Do not tell him what you are planning; make him wait to find out. With this letter I prefer a surprise attack. If he already knows about the letter of resentments because he has read the book (this will be true of 0.4 percent of husbands), that is fine. He still won’t know what you are going to say. Act just as you did before the meeting where you talked about your needs (chapter 4): cool, reserved, quiet, and to yourself.

The sting

For this meeting sit at your kitchen or dining room table, not a casual, comfortable place. You want a somber, serious tone. Next inform him of the ground rules: “As you can see, I have a letter I’m going to read. It is very important that you remain silent throughout. Please listen and do not interrupt. I want you to hear me and work hard to understand what I am saying and feeling. Walk in my shoes and see things from my point of view. This is my truth and my feelings. I will not argue over the details. I ask you to accept and validate my feelings and believe me. I have lived all of this, and it is an accurate description of my life with you.” (You can deliver this message verbally or read it as the first paragraph of your letter).

If he refuses to listen or interrupts you more than once, hand him the letter and walk away. Most intimacy avoiders are decent sorts and will listen in silence.

Here is a sample letter of resentments. It contains the basic format that I recommend you use in creating your own unique document.

_______________ (no “Dear,” just his name).

It wasn’t easy writing this letter, and it won’t be easy for you to hear it. But it has to be done. Over the course of our relationship you have done a number of things that have hurt me deeply. I don’t think you have any idea how much pain you have caused. In fact, you’re still doing things that hurt me.

I realized recently that I am still holding on to these painful memories and the emotions that go with them. I stuffed them down, and they are inside me. I still resent you for all the mistakes you have made. That is not good for me, and it is not good for our relationship. So it is time for me to get these resentments out.

As I read this letter, just listen. Don’t say anything. I want to heal from the damage you have done to me. I want to forgive you. I want you to know what you have done and to feel some of the pain I have felt. I want you to change and stop hurting me. I’m going to begin at the beginning of our relationship.

Remember Darlene, your old girlfriend? I do. I haven’t been able to forgive you for contacting her after you and I had been going out for three months. I was falling in love with you. We were a couple, and I thought you cared for me.

I will never forget that moment when I heard Darlene’s voice on your answering machine, talking about your date the night before. You told me you were through with her! I have carried the betrayal, anger, and deep hurt over Darlene up to this day. How could you do that? Why didn’t you just tell me that you wanted to date Darlene? That would have hurt too, but it would have been less painful than you doing it behind my back. I felt like a fool. I had placed my heart in your hands, and you crushed it. I don’t think I have ever completely trusted you since then. I’m telling you now so I can release the pain and truly forgive you.

About six months before we got married, we started having sex. I freely admit my responsibility in this sin. You didn’t force me. I wanted to do it. But it was wrong. I’m ashamed of myself for giving to you something God wanted me to give only after marriage. We violated a boundary set down by God, and we have paid for it. I’m convinced that our struggles in the areas of trust and sex stem, in part, from premarital sex. I am angry with you for not protecting me sexually. It was your job as the man to make sure we didn’t go too far. I accept my responsibility for it, so I want you to accept yours. I know I didn’t think so at the time, but I have come to realize that you violated me. It hurts me deeply that you didn’t respect me enough to save intercourse until after our wedding.

Over the years your workaholism has caused me a great deal of grief, anguish, and anger. Your job has always been your number-one priority. Do you know what it is like to wait, day after day and month after month and year after year, for your husband to come home? Do you know what it is like to know you are not as important to your husband as his stupid job?

I won’t mention every time you were late for dinner, social plans, special events at the kids’ schools, and birthday parties. I don’t have enough pen and paper. But I will mention two that stand out.

Susie’s sixth birthday party. It was the first time that we had both sets of grandparents in town for a birthday. You promised you would be home by five o’clock. You lied, just like you lied a thousand other times about when you’d come home. I was angry and humiliated that night as we waited an hour and a half for you to show up. Not even a phone call. Couldn’t you have told your client that you had to be at your daughter’s birthday party? You hurt your daughter and me that day.

The second is our thirteenth wedding anniversary. We had made some very special plans for that night: the theater and then dinner. I was so looking forward to seeing that play with you. But once again your job was more important. You called to say you were hung up with a client problem and we would have to miss the play. I was furious and, at the same time, brokenhearted. Another promise shattered.

I have tolerated your workaholism for years. I have “understood.” I have covered for you with our friends and the kids, and bitten my tongue a million times when you have chosen your job over me. No more. I have forgiven you for all you’ve done up to now in this area.

From now on I am not going to resent you for working too much. That is because I am going to tell you what I think and feel every time you put your job first. I am going to tell the kids the truth when you’re late: “Dad is a workaholic, and he loves his job more than he loves us.” I won’t save your dinner anymore. If you are late for a date or a social engagement, I will leave without you. I won’t resent you another day for your workaholism. I will express my feelings and take action.

Five years ago you had lunch with Samantha, your sales assistant. When you told me, I couldn’t believe you had done it. I also couldn’t believe you thought it was no big deal. You and I had a deal: no lunches or dinners with a member of the opposite sex. If it’s a group, that is OK but not one on one. I know you work with women. Guess what? I work with men. But if you have business with a woman, do it over the phone or in an office.

I believe nothing happened between you and Samantha. But something happened to my trust that day. What you did was wrong, and it hurt me. It reminded me of Darlene and how you had cheated on me with her. I forgive you for Samantha, but I want you to never do this kind of thing again.

Your lack of romance over the years has really, really hurt me. You know from my letter of needs how important this is to me. I will never feel loved by you unless you romance me regularly. You romanced me during our courtship, then dropped it about three months into the marriage. You don’t send me flowers. You don’t give me cards. You don’t tell me I’m beautiful. You don’t give me affection. You don’t take me out once a week for a romantic date. You don’t plan getaway weekends. You don’t watch romantic movies with me. Your lack of romance makes me feel unloved and unattractive. I have wondered for years if you don’t romance me because you’re not attracted to me anymore. Do you still love me? Without romance I don’t know.

When we do have a romantic time, I plan it. You know something? I am tired of doing that. It spoils it if I am always the one who makes it happen. I am frustrated and just plain angry with you for being such a nonromantic stick. Pursue me! Romance me! Love me!

Last year I planned that romantic, candlelight dinner for us. One more time I had hoped to spark some passion between us. I shouldn’t have been surprised you were late getting home, but I was. I was also very angry and profoundly sad. You were distracted during dinner and didn’t have much to say. Before I could mention my plan to go into the bedroom for a time of sexual intimacy, you went into the den and started watching a football game. I cried myself to sleep that night. Did you even notice? No.

Three years ago on Valentine’s Day—for once—I decided to make no plans. I wanted to know if you would notice and come up with your own idea for this special night. You did nothing—nothing at all. You knew it was Valentine’s Day, and yet you did nothing. I was exasperated and wounded. You told me you figured I didn’t want to do anything because I hadn’t mentioned it. Do I even have to mention that Valentine’s Day is important to me?

I want and need romance, and not just on Valentine’s Day and our anniversary. All the time. It is your job, and I want you to do it. Every time you blow it, I will vent my feelings with you. I will not suffer in silence anymore.

As for communication I could write forty pages on this topic alone. You don’t talk to me about personal things. All I get is stuff about work, kids, friends, church activities, or home repairs. I am starving for closeness with you! That is why I married you! I need to know what you’re thinking and feeling inside. Not knowing just kills me. It just kills me!

I can’t count the number of times I have tried to get you to open up and share with me on a deeper level, only to have you shut down. I can’t adequately express in words how frustrated, helpless, and disgusted this makes me feel.

Remember that weekend we had last summer at the beach? Of course, I set it up. No kids. Just the two of us. I wanted to talk with you. Really talk. Catch up, connect on a deeper level. You wanted sex. I gave you sex in the hope that in return you would open up and talk. You didn’t. I resent you for that time and all the other times you have clammed up and refused to let me inside your head and heart.

I know that it is hard for you to communicate. I don’t care. I know you weren’t raised to open up and share yourself. I don’t care. I know most husbands don’t do it. I don’t care. I need you to do it. As you guys like to shout at your all-male rallies: “Man up!”

I need to say something else about sex. For years I have resented you for only being warm and loving during intercourse. That is not enough for me! It makes sex into a chore—something else I do for you. I need emotional connection and romance in order to be a good partner and enjoy it myself. I’m telling you here and now that our sex life will be affected if you don’t learn to communicate with me and meet my emotional needs.

There is another reason I haven’t been interested in sex for years: your critical comments about my weight. I know I’m a little overweight. I don’t need you to tell me. Your comments cut me like a knife. I have felt devastated and guilty because of my extra pounds. You make me feel like a fat lady who isn’t good enough for you. Don’t you know that a woman’s body changes after giving birth to two kids? The only comment I ever want to hear from you about my appearance is, “You’re beautiful.” If you can’t say that, then just say nothing at all.

It is one of my deepest disappointments that you have not been my spiritual partner and leader. I so want to share Christ with you, but you have shown no interest in this part of our marriage. Going to church with me is good, but it isn’t good enough. I need to know how your walk with the Lord is going. What is He teaching you? What are your spiritual victories and defeats? What are you learning in your quiet times and Bible reading?

I have asked you these questions and you either give vague answers or ignore me. I have asked to pray with you, but you find ways to avoid that. I am bitter, resentful, and sad that we are not spiritually intimate. I am more than willing to be an equal partner in the spiritual area. All you need to do is initiate regular spiritual meetings and be willing to learn how to spiritually bond with me.

Well, that is it for all my resentments. With God’s help I am going to forgive you for all these things I have expressed. Now I will close with four important wrap-up points.

First, you don’t have to respond to this letter now. It is a lot to take in. In fact, I don’t want you to respond right away. I will hand it over to you when I’m done reading and you can reread it by yourself. When you are ready to talk about what I have shared, please let me know, and we’ll set up a meeting. I want you to know that I want your heartfelt apology for all these hurtful behaviors. I want you to explain, the best way you can, why you have treated me this way. I want you to convince me that you understand what I have been through and that you are willing to work to make changes. I anticipate having a number of conversations about this letter, but I won’t ask you to talk. You need to come to me.

Second, if you have resentments against me, I want you to express them. You need to first deal with my resentments and help me feel understood. Then please write a letter to me sharing your resentments. Please do not write a letter refuting the points I made in mine. If you have bona fide beefs against me, put those down on paper.

Third, there will be times when I will come to you and express more painful feelings about the areas I brought up in my letter. Writing this letter has helped me take a huge step toward forgiveness, but I will still need to do some follow-up venting here and there. Please just listen and help me feel understood.

Fourth, as I have indicated several times, from now on I will be much more honest and expressive with you when you do something to anger and hurt me. As soon as possible after the painful event, I will tell you my feelings. You don’t have to respond. Just listen and understand. I will express myself this way to keep my system clean, to avoid building up more resentments, to keep on forgiving you, and to continue to make my needs clear to you.

_______________ (no “Love,” just your name)

Pretty brutal, huh? Long, detailed, and gut-level honest. And brutal. Your intimacy avoider will begin to crack and splinter after you read him your letter. I have seen this kind of letter lead to healing and forgiveness in wives and to husbands who are motivated to change. That may seem like the impossible dream, but it isn’t. So sit down today and start writing. You will be glad you did.