Chapter 10
Yeah, I’m Talking to You
OK, YOU HAVE just finished reading your letter of resentments, and you can tell by the expression on your husband’s face that you’ve gotten his attention. He doesn’t look like a deer in the headlights. No, he is way past that. He looks like a deer that’s been hit by the car behind the headlights. He has entered . . . The Twilight Zone. He’s wondering whatever happened to his sweet, kind, she’s-practically-a-saint-and-never-rocked-the-boat-before wife. This is bad. Really bad.
You’ve made a good start, but it’s only a start. You want to make sure this is much more than just a moment in time or a flash flood that temporarily pushes him off the road to intimacy avoidance and into a ditch. Remember, IAs are masters of the rapid recovery. Don’t let him recover and begin to feel comfortable. Don’t let him make promises and then, after two weeks, revert to the same old routine.
You have to maintain your edge. You have to keep him on edge. You must force him off the dead-end road he is on and onto another, better road—the road to becoming a loving, more expressive husband. In the meantime you must keep on being the “new you.” The “I’m going to tell you the way it is every time” you. A better, healthier you. Keep going. It just might lead to a better husband.
One-Way Communication
How do you get him off the wrong road and onto the right one? By continuing to be upfront, honest, and straightforward using one-way communication. One-way communication is going directly to your IA and briefly telling him the truth about your thoughts and emotions concerning something that has happened in your relationship. I call it one-way because you do all the talking.
You tell him he doesn’t have to respond. Just ask him to listen and understand, take time to process what you’ve said, and find you and share his reaction when he’s ready. When you are done talking, simply go silent. If you are at home, walk away. If you are in the car, a restaurant, or out somewhere, be quiet for at least five minutes. After that you can continue in silence or bring up another topic of conversation. You speak your piece, and you move on.
Unlike what you’ve done in the past, you do not press him for an immediate reaction. Why not? Two reasons:
1. Men cannot respond right away. They need time to process and figure out their feelings and thoughts on an issue. A personal issue takes them even longer.
2. When they feel pressured by a woman, men will always clam up and say nothing. They feel controlled and show you with their silence that you can’t make them talk.
If you express yourself in two minutes or less and allow him time to process, there is a chance your IA will consider what you say and get back to you to continue the conversation. If you badger him or even ask him nicely for an immediate response, your IA will harden up and never respond. Never. My one-way communication strategy prompts a “maybe.” Your natural-wife way of pushing him to say something back right away gets you a “never.” Try my way.
Do the Two-Step When He Doesn’t Return
What if you try one-way communication and he still doesn’t come back with a response? Since he is an IA, that is likely to happen often. When you have waited a day or two and it is pretty clear he has no intention of reacting, take two steps.
Step one: Give him one low-key, unemotional reminder. You get only one. If you remind him twice, you turn into a nagging witch. Try this: “Remember that issue we discussed? When you are ready, I would like you to find me and give me your reaction to what I said.” After these two statements, say nothing else about it. Move on.
Step two: If he still won’t talk about it, go to him and give him a one-way communication that expresses your feelings about his decision to ignore you and refusal to respond. It’ll go something like this: “I’m angry and disappointed that you have chosen to not come back to me about (whatever issue you had brought up). It makes me feel unloved and unimportant. I just wanted you to know.” Then drop it. Walk away. Don’t bring it up again.
The Seven Keeps of One-Way Communication
There are many benefits of one-way—do it when you need to do it—communication. I call these the Seven Keeps:
1. It keeps your system clean of negative, destructive emotions such as anger, hurt, bitterness, and resentment. You get the pain your husband causes out of you, and you stay healthy—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
2. It ensures that you keep on forgiving your husband for his mistakes. The letter of resentments is a crucial step, but you have to continue to flush out daily pain. If you don’t, it will turn into resentment, and you will develop another nasty pool of negative, debilitating emotions.
3. It keeps your needs and the behaviors that bother you in full view of your husband. Every time you vent one-way, he is reminded of the things you consider most important in the marriage.
4. It keeps him off balance and uncomfortable, which is the only time he will change.
5. It provides you the opportunity to keep teaching your husband the skills he needs to love you: how to correct his weaknesses, how to understand why he is the way he is, how to stop hurting you, how to open up and communicate what is inside.
6. It keeps alive the possibility that he will listen to you, “get” what you’re saying, think about it, and respond—at least some of the time. When you drop your verbal payload (not being furious, just honest) and leave, he may eventually follow you. He doesn’t like it when you’re upset with him, so he’s likely to come after you.
7. Most importantly, one-way communication keeps you following Scripture.
The verses I use to support the letter of resentments are the same verses that support one-way communication. The Bible teaches us to “be angry, and yet do not sin” (Eph. 4:26), “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15, NLT), “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2), and confront others (Matt. 5:23–24; 18:15–17).
You need to learn how to do one-way communication in five categories. What follows is a crash course. I will review them one at a time, briefly describing the category and listing several examples.
Bring Up Past Pain
The deep hurts your husband has caused you cannot be expressed and forgiven quickly. While the letter of resentments is a significant step toward healing, it will not be enough. Your heart will heal over time as you periodically share with your husband leftover pain connected to these events. Pray that God will bring up the pain so you can flush it out. It can be triggered any number of ways: a careless comment, a behavior that reminds you of how he hurt you years before, a song on the radio, a movie, or God just bringing the traumatic event to mind. When the pain comes up, go to your husband and vent it, using one-way communication such as this:
Example 1. Wife: I need to talk about Darlene again.
“Just listen and help me feel understood. I don’t want you to say anything original now. Be with me and hear me. When I saw a woman this morning who looked like Darlene, the pain of what you did came flooding back. I still have a hard time believing you went back to her. That hurts way down deep. When we’re not getting along, I automatically doubt your commitment. I wonder if you would prefer being with Darlene or some other woman. I thought today that what would help me get over her is to feel closer to you. If we could talk—I mean really talk—I think I could believe you love me and want only me. Thanks for listening. If you want to get back to me with a response, let me know. It’s up to you.”
Example 2. Wife: I have something I need to say to you.
“This last month you have slipped back into workaholic mode. No, don’t give me any excuses! Just hear me out. I know it is a busy time at work. Guess what? It is a busy time at home too. I feel angry and frustrated, like I’m very unimportant to you. I need you here helping me, loving me, talking with me, and being my partner. When you work too much, it reminds me of all the times you have put work ahead of me and our family. This past month has brought up a lot of that old pain for me. I am tired of being number six on your priority list. I am angry, sad, and hurt that you can’t seem to put me where I belong, which is at the top of your relationship list. Think about it. Get back to me if you want.”
Stay Current
Chances are good that your husband will continue to make mistakes and cause you pain. That is life with a man—especially an intimacy avoider. To stay healthy, build respect, and keep your needs in front of his face, you must daily go to him and clean out your pain. He won’t like it. That’s tough, but it is good for both of you and for your relationship. Because it is one-way, he will be much better able to take in what you say and act on it.
Example 1. Wife: Do you have a minute?
“I wanted you to know that your comment this morning about my housekeeping made me angry and offended me. I do my best and your criticism really stung. I need praise and help with the chores, not sarcastic barbs. When you are ready, I would appreciate an apology.”
Example 2. Wife: I needed you last night and you weren’t there for me.
“I had had a stressful day. I wanted to vent to you and be comforted. But you half-listened for five minutes then turned on the television. I am angry and disappointed in you. I need you to listen to me every day.”
Example 3. Wife: Just give me one minute to say something.
“Don’t respond right now, just listen. Another week has gone by and you didn’t schedule any time for us to talk. I am angry with you because even though you know this is an important need for me, you did nothing. I do not want to build up resentment against you, so I’m sharing my feelings.”
Example 4. Wife: It has been two weeks since you promised to schedule a meeting for us with a financial adviser.
“You have chosen not to do it. Hold your excuses. I don’t want to hear them. I feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. If you have no intention of seeing an adviser, say so. At least that would be honest.”
Example 5. Wife: I have to tell you how I feel about the sex we had last night.
“Although I agreed, I regret giving in to you. In the week leading up to yesterday, you didn’t romance me. I had no emotional connection to you because we hadn’t talked on a deeper level. I need to feel loved and close to you in order to fully participate in sex. I feel used and cheap. I am angry because you got what you wanted, but I didn’t get what I needed. Our sex is boring and a chore for me. It hurts me and pushes me away from you. If you want me to enjoy intercourse and be an active sexual partner, you have to meet my emotional and spiritual needs first.”
Respond to His Classic IA Shtick
In the past your responses to his intimacy avoider behaviors have proved ineffective. When he killed conversation after conversation with his standard avoidance, you cried. Yelled. Lectured. Whispered. Begged. Pleaded. Reasoned. Threatened. Ignored. Nothing has worked. He is still an IA, and you are still a wife lacking intimacy.
It is time to try something new—something with a much better chance of working. I want you to respond to his classic “IA shtick” with brief, verbal surgical strikes. The choreographed one-way responses below will rattle your man and create real change in your relationship. Plus these snappy comebacks will keep you sane and give you some fun. After all, when you live with an IA, you need some entertainment!
IA: He’s not listening to you. His eyes are glazed over. He’s “in the zone.”
“Brain cramp, huh? I am insulted and angry because you’re not paying attention to me. If you don’t want to listen to me, say so. Let me know when you are ready to listen.” (Stop talking and make him come to you to restart the conversation.)
IA: He falls silent as you talk. He gives no responses at all.
“You’re not saying anything. I can’t tell if you are listening. If you don’t want to talk about this, tell me. If you are OK with this topic, give me some responses so I will know you’re with me. It is frustrating to talk and get no feedback, so I won’t do it. I will wait for you to tell me what is on your mind.”
IA: He’s not completely shut down, but his mind is somewhere else. The clue: his one- and two-word answers.
“You seem out of it tonight. You are not involved in this conversation. I won’t keep trying to get you interested in what I’m saying. I will just get angry and so will you. Come to me when you are ready to talk. I would like to know what you’re thinking about tonight, but you’ll have to decide to tell me.”
IA: He has dropped one of his logical conversation-killer comments on you: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “You’re too intense.” “You’re overreacting.” “Simmer down, and I’ll show you the facts.” “You’re wrong, and I can prove it.” “Here’s how to fix your problem.” And on and on.
“Hold it right there. I don’t need logic and I’m not going to listen to any right now. If I did, I would get furious. What I need is for you to listen to me, reflect what I’m saying, and help me feel understood. When you are ready to do that, let me know. Once I feel understood, then I’ll be happy to listen to your logic.”
IA: You asked, “How was your day?” and he replied, “Fine,” or “OK.”
“That one word really doesn’t tell me too much. I need more information than that. Take some time and think about your day, then find me and tell me what you come up with.”
IA: It is obvious that he is upset about something because in response to your reasonable question: “What’s wrong?” he says, “Nothing.”
“Please don’t insult me. I know something is wrong. I know it is hard for you to talk about it, so I won’t try to pry it out of you. I want to comfort and support you, but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you. When you want to share what it is, come tell me.”
IA: “I don’t know.”
“When you do, come and find me and tell me. We can’t build a conversation on ‘I don’t knows.’”
IA: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“OK. I respect that. Please listen to me talk about it for five minutes. Hear me out. You don’t have to give me your view now. After you think about what I’ve said and you’re ready to talk, find me.”
IA: “This isn’t a good time to talk about it.”
“What if I told you ‘This isn’t a good time’ the next time you want sex? What sex is to you, communication is to me. When you are ready to talk about this issue, find me.”
Connect the Dots
Just as your IA needs to be called on the carpet when he hurts you, he needs to be praised when he steps out of his IA role and does something positive. Men literally thrive on praise, especially from their wives. This is an effective way to shape a husband’s behavior. However, don’t just praise his behavior and drop it. After praising what he does, tell him specifically how his positive behavior has produced a loving response from you.
Your husband won’t see the connection between his loving behavior and your response. He needs to appreciate the value of that connection because it will motivate him to keep on behaving the way you need. Tell him in detail that because:
• He loved you in a specific way,
• Shared something personal,
• Acted in a romantic way,
• Prayed with you, or
• Met another one of your needs . . . you did something
loving for him in return.
Connect the dots for him every single time: “When you did A for me, I did B for you.”
Example 1
“I put in extra effort preparing this meal because you did those three nasty chores for me yesterday.” (Don’t kid yourself; one of the ways to a man’s heart is through his stomach.)
Example 2
“Do you want to know why I asked you for sex and was more responsive just now in bed? It isn’t just because you have the body of a Greek god. It is because you initiated that talk time last night and spent twenty minutes in conversation with me.” (Message: more talk equals more and better sex.)
Example 3
“I’m rubbing your feet now because two hours ago you listened to my long story about the conflict with my girlfriend. I needed to vent, and you were there.”
Example 4
“Do you know why I just sat through that action-adventure movie with you? It isn’t because I like to see bombs going off, people screaming in terror, and dead bodies flying around. I did it for you because three days ago you sat with me and watched that Cary Grant chick flick on television.”
Example 5
“When you prayed with me just now, I felt so loved by you. It makes me love and respect you more. When we pray together, I see you as my protector, my leader, and my hero. It makes me want to do all kinds of loving things for you.” (Do several loving behaviors in the next few days and tell him it’s because he prayed with you.)
I know what you are thinking right now: “Why do I have to praise him every time? Shouldn’t he do these behaviors just because they’re the right things to do and because God commands him to do them?” Yes, he should do these things for those reasons. But the fact is, your connect-the-dots praise will be a huge motivating factor in his dropping the IA routine and doing what you need him to do. Don’t quibble and get hung up on technicalities. Go ahead and praise him in this strategic way, and it will be well worth your efforts. And as you will see in a forthcoming chapter, praising your husband is a biblical principle.
Tell Him Why He Does What He Does
Your IA has zero insight into why he acts the way he does with you. After all, in his mind he is a pretty good husband. Why fix what isn’t broken? While it is good to convince him your relationship is broken, that is not good enough. Left to himself he still won’t figure out why he sidesteps closeness and consistently fails to meet your most important needs. Seeking an explanation for his poor relationship skills would mean digging into personal matters—and he has spent his whole life staying away from that sensitive arena.
With well-placed, one-way observations, your goal is to show him the reasons why he is intimacy-challenged: he is relationship-disabled. Having a coach to show him exactly where it originates is an integral part of the rehabilitation process. You are that coach. Even though he is not asking for your help, give it to him anyway. Your communication in this one-way area will set the stage for some crucial work you will ask him to complete a few steps further into my Husband Transformation Strategy.
Example 1
“That temper outburst last night reminded me of your dad. You look and act just like him when you lose it. Until you deal with him and your feelings about how he raised you, you will keep on raging—and hurting me and the kids.”
Example 2
“When I said no to sex this morning, you shut me out and ignored me for three hours. You still haven’t healed from your ex-wife rejecting you, sexually and in other ways. So when you feel like I have rejected you, you close down and won’t talk about it. When you’re ready, I want you to talk to me about what she did to you. When that pain is out of you, you’ll be able to open up to me and receive all my love.”
Example 3
“You’re stuffing your work stress again tonight. You have the TV on and have avoided me for the last two hours. I am hurt and frustrated. If you would share your work problems with me, you would be happier, and we would be closer. But that’s up to you.”
Example 4
“For the past month you have pulled back from me. I can see that you are preoccupied with your work and sports. You don’t seem too happy with me or your life. I think one of the reasons is that you have drifted from the Lord. You are not having regular quiet times and have missed church several Sundays. I’m hurt by you shutting me out. I’m also concerned about you. If you want to talk about what is going on and want my help to get back on track spiritually, find me and we’ll talk.”
Example 5
“Did you notice what you just did? Our conversation was starting to get a little personal, and you made a joke to lighten the mood. You do that a lot. It ticks me off because I need closeness with you. I have seen your dad and brother do the same thing to avoid personal subjects. I would like to talk about this and what we can do about it. When you are ready, let me know and we’ll schedule a talk time.”
You won’t be good at this one-way communication approach for a while. No one is naturally gifted at this process. It usually takes two to three months to get the hang of it. Practice. Practice. Practice. Your husband will give you many opportunities to hone your one-way skills. Try rereading this chapter several times and discuss your progress with a few members of your support team. Most importantly pray for God’s help.
Remember: be honest, be brief, and tell him not to respond right away. Get in, say what you need to say, and get out. Even after your intimacy avoider makes significant changes, you must continue to use one-way communication with him for the rest of your marriage. It will prevent him from slipping back into IA mode and help maintain the intimacy you have worked so hard to create.
Now that you have let it all hang out with your husband, buckle your seat belt and get ready for a bumpier road. No wife can blame all of her marital problems on her spouse. It is time to face facts and take the next step. You must uncover what behavior of yours is killing any hope of intimacy with your husband. This won’t feel as satisfying as venting your feelings, but steps four and five will take you down the challenging road of self-examination.