Chapter 12

God Says: Be Submissive to Your Husband

AMERICAN CULTURE IS trying to help wives. Through television, movies, the Internet, newspapers, and magazines, our cultural “guides” have developed three distinct profiles of the twenty-first-century wife. As a public service I will describe American culture’s three modern wives. Once you have read the descriptions, you can choose which wife you’d like to be.

The first prototype wife is glamorous and physically perfect. Her percentage of body fat is .001 percent. She is so thin, it is scary! She works out a minimum of fifteen hours per week on her NordicTrack, Stairmaster, and ThighMaster. And if physical exercise can’t yield the body she wants, plastic surgery will. She fights the aging process with every technological advance known to medical science. She dresses in the finest designer clothes straight from Paris. Her makeup supply would make any super-model shed jealous tears.

She worships at the altar of the Hollywood Actress Club, that special cadre of magically alluring women who believe they were placed on the earth to be beautiful and attract desirable men. Ironically this anorexically thin, surgically enhanced, botulism-injecting, liposuctioned babe will spend most of her life searching for the “right” man. She loves the intoxicating rush of infatuation and great sex. However, when the adrenaline surge of lust and excitement wears off—and it always does—she moves on to the next man. She remains convinced she will eventually find Mr. Perfect and he will make her happy. Surely he will make all her dreams come true.

The second modern wife hates men. All men. She sees men as chauvinistic, arrogant, insensitive, beer-guzzling, sex-crazed, nonexpressive, selfish dirtballs. Like radical feminists, she believes the path to true happiness is killing her husband and burying him in the backyard. She doesn’t trust her husband, doesn’t need him, and belittles him behind his back. She plans to get rid of him as soon as she can after he has fulfilled his role as a sperm donor. Her goal in life is to prove to everyone that she can make it just fine without a man.

The third choice our culture projects is the wife with a wildly successful career. She tries to get most of her needs met at work because that is where she spends most of her time. She plays hardball with the big business boys and always emerges on top. She gives her all to the company, has a corner office with a beautiful view, and is rich and powerful.

Incredibly this workaholic woman also has more than enough time and energy for her children and husband. She balances her roles of employee, mother, and wife in masterful fashion. Since her family understands her need to achieve, they are more than satisfied with the limited but quality attention they receive from her. She shows the world every day that a woman really can have it all!

Ignore the World, Listen to God

Ladies, if you attempt to embrace one of these culturally approved modern wives, you’ll be personally unhappy and have a rotten marriage. American culture doesn’t have a clue about what it takes to be a real wife. Who does? God. Throughout Scripture He speaks clearly to wives. His principles still apply, and if you obey them, you will have the best chance for a healthy, intimate marriage.

An important aspect of changing your intimacy avoider into the husband God wants him to be is being the wife God wants you to be. Not only does He know exactly what your husband needs from you, but He also doesn’t hide this information. He spells it out in the Bible. To touch your husband’s heart and shatter his IA shell, follow God’s blueprint for a biblical wife:

• Be submissive.

• Be worthy of respect.

• Respect your husband.

It All Begins With Submission

Oh, no, the dreaded S word! For centuries submission has been one of the Bible’s most misunderstood and misinterpreted marital teachings. Mere mention of the word can evoke intense, passionate reactions from both husbands and wives. Why? Because submission directly impacts every major area in marriage: balance of power, decision-making, personal safety and autonomy, communication, sex, finances, parenting . . . You can name any area of marriage, and submission is an integral part.

Wives, my goal in this chapter is to help you understand submission and to take specific steps to do what God wants you to do in this area. You need to be submissive to your husband because that is what God commands. So this is primarily an issue of obedience. However, it is also an issue of influence. When you submit to your husband, you are using a powerful and God-given tool to motivate him to love you and meet your real needs.

As we ought to always do, let’s look again at a Scripture I cited earlier:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

—EPHESIANS 5:22–24

Scripture teaches that the husband is to be in the position of authority and leadership in the marriage relationship. Without a leader in any group of more than one you will have chaos. For reasons of His own God decreed that the husband is to lead his wife. Being the leader in a marriage is incredibly difficult. Being the one who submits and follows in a marriage is equally difficult. To help you submit in a healthy, biblical way, I will explain what submission does not mean and what it does mean.

Submission does not mean wives are inferior to husbands.

God created man and woman for each other (Gen. 1:27). The one-flesh relationship described in Genesis 2:24 is the ultimate picture of perfect unity. To be joined together as one, both must be equal.

In 1 Corinthians Paul asserts the complete equality of man and woman:

However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God.

—1 CORINTHIANS 11:11–12

Man and woman are to fit together in a God-designed, complementary way. Neither is independent of, or superior to, the other. This is a similar message as one that appears in a verse from Galatians, the most powerful and decisive statement possible on the equality of men and women:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

—GALATIANS 3:28

We are all equal in Christ. Period.

Submission does not mean wives should keep quiet.

All too often wives are told that submitting means not expressing their opinions or feelings. This message is demeaning and insulting; it isn’t even close to being biblical. It violates 1 Peter 3:7, which instructs husbands to treat wives with respect. Using submission to choke off a wife’s right to expression contradicts a number of other biblical commands that we are to:

• “Be devoted to one another” (Rom. 12:10).

• “Accept one another” (Rom. 15:7).

• “Serve one another” (Gal. 5:13).

• “Bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2).

• “Speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15, NLT).

Wives, feel free to talk and express yourself at any time (as if we could stop you). Actually many husbands try to do this, misusing a cultural interpretation of submission as their primary communication-killing method. And they are dead wrong!

Submission does not prohibit wives from having interests outside the home.

There are two mistakes commonly made in this area. The first holds the view that “a woman’s place is in the home.” The husbands who adhere to this position want their wives to focus solely on keeping house and taking care of their children, under the rallying cry: “Keep your wife barefoot and pregnant.” Such men are stuck in a 1950s’ time warp. Nor are they reading the same Bible I do. God does not want a wife just to be at home. If He did, we have to toss out the woman described in Proverbs 31.

The second mistake is society’s view that every wife’s number-one priority must be a successful career. In their eyes career always comes first. Then you can attend to your husband, children, and home duties. No, God doesn’t think this way, either.

What does God teach in the Bible about the role of a wife inside and outside the home? He teaches balance. In Titus 2:4–5 God sends this message to wives through the apostle Paul:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.

A married woman’s primary place of responsibility is in the home. Meeting the needs of your husband and children ranks as your top priority, second only to your relationship with God. If your outside interests or your job cause your home duties to suffer, then you are violating Scripture.

Paul is clear about the priorities of a wife. Still, women are able to fulfill their biblical duties at home and be involved in other activities. In fact, all wives need outside activities and interests to keep from going stale or just plain crazy. Most husbands have no idea what it is like to be trapped at home all day . . . with children. Or to work outside the home and also have to do most of the housework. Ninety-nine percent of husbands wouldn’t last a week doing what their wives do week in and week out, all year long. These husbands would become quivering, drooling, mumbling basket cases, shuttled off by ambulance or helicopter to the hospital for IVs, intensive therapy, and observation.

Take a look at the excellent wife of Proverbs 31. Even though she seems a little too good to be true, we can learn from her example. Her focus was undeniably on her household, but she did so many other things in her community:

She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.

—PROVERBS 31:16

She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy.

—PROVERBS 31:20

She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

—PROVERBS 31:24, NIV

Does this sound like a wife who was chained to her home and didn’t venture out into the big, bad world? Hardly. Proverbs 31:25 (NIV) is my favorite verse in this section of verses because it captures the essence of this remarkable woman:

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Now that is a wife who made her husband sit up and take notice—a force to be reckoned with. She had significant influence in her man’s life. She was one classy, impressive lady. She was confident, strong, productive, and happy. I am convinced a big reason is because she regularly ventured outside the home. Without a doubt her outside activities improved her household and benefited her family. They also provided healthy outlets for her creativity and self-expression.

If you are a married woman with preschool children, do not work outside the home unless it is absolutely necessary. Small children need their mom at home. Still, you must get some time out of the home each week—alone, without the kids. Inform your husband that if you don’t get this time away, he will have one stressed-out, depressed, mean woman on his hands. Tell him, “It’ll be continuous PMS, baby! When you look at a pit bull and me, the only difference will be the lipstick!” If he refuses to help you get away, enlist friends, family, neighbors, or fellow church members to stay with your kids. Do whatever you have to do to get regular mental health breaks from the home.

Back in the days when we had four young children rambling around our house, Sandy sat me down and told me she needed breaks from these little people every week. We worked out this deal and followed it for years: Sandy would get away from the home every Wednesday from 8:00 a.m. to noon, every Saturday from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m., and occasional evenings out with girlfriends. On the few days when I couldn’t stay with the kids, we asked family or friends to help or hired a babysitter. If Sandy had had a particularly stressful day with the kiddos, she had the option of leaving for a few hours in the evening. She would meet me at the door when I came home from work and say, “They’re all yours, buddy. I’m out of here!” Then she took off for the car and peeled off in a squeal of burning tires.

Wives, if you have to work outside the home, you have to work. God understands and He will help. He will protect your children. However, don’t shoulder the domestic burden alone. Sit your husband down and tell him you need him to be the ultimate team player. Work out a contract that has him doing one-half of the chores and child-rearing duties. Inform him that if you have to work outside the home and do most of the household jobs too, you won’t be a very good wife. You will be angry, hurt, and tired.

To make sure you get his attention, tell him if you are forced to carry the load at home, your sexual relationship will be a dud. Explain that when you feel exhausted and resentful, you won’t be interested in sex. It will become just another chore. Sure, you will do it, but you won’t be anywhere close to a warm, willing, or responsive partner. Go ahead and tell him what you are really thinking during sex after killing yourself all evening doing chores: “Are you through yet? Is it over? Please hurry up!”

Submission does not mean wives must tolerate abuse.

No, no, no. A thousand times no! You should not submit to physical or psychological abuse. Not ever. If your husband is abusing you, he is sinning in an extremely serious way, and God does not want you to submit to sin. God wants you to do just the opposite: stand up, confront him, and demand change (Matt. 18:15–17). I will discuss this in more detail in chapter 13.

What Submission Does Mean

Submission means to allow your husband to be the leader in your relationship and to yield to his authority. Not because he is superior, is more intelligent, or has more ability, but because this is the role God commands you to fulfill. Here is an explanation of how you can submit.

Walk close to God

You can submit to your husband only with God’s power, through the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ working in your life. If it is you, in your own power, trying to submit, you will never be able to do it. It is humanly impossible. It’s a God thing. You must submit with God’s help or you won’t submit at all. (I already explained the importance of an intimate relationship with God in chapter 3.)

You also submit to your husband out of obedience to God. You don’t submit for your husband. You submit for God:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

—EPHESIANS 5:22

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

—COLOSSIANS 3:18

As you submit, don’t focus on your husband. Keep your eyes on the Lord; you are doing this for Him. He will bless you for your act of obedience and love.

As an equal partner, speak your mind freely

A critical part of your role as a submissive wife is to openly share your feelings and opinions on significant decisions and issues. Always. God wants you to offer your husband guidance and feedback:

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

—GENESIS 2:18

As a helper to your husband, you are to tell him in a loving, honest, and firm way what you think is best in every important situation. That is being helpful. If you remain silent when he is about to make a huge mistake, who else will correct him? Be like the Proverbs 31 wife:

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

—PROVERBS 31:26

Since you possess wisdom about your husband, children, and home that no one else does, you need to share it. While your husband may not always want to hear what you have to say, that is too bad. Lay it on him anyway. That is your job and part of submission.

Let Your Husband Lead

Allow your husband to make decisions in key areas of life and follow them unless they clearly violate God’s revealed will. If you face a major decision, each of you can fully share your views about the situation and take time over several days (or several weeks) to decide. Pray about it together. Then, when your husband reaches a decision, you—whether you agree or not—should support him and his approach. Remember, he is accountable to God for his leadership, not you.

However, if he is actively sinning, you are not to submit. Instead, confront his sin and take action against it. If he asks you to do something that would break God’s law, do not submit. Refuse to sin for him. Confront his sin and take action against it.

If he is harsh with your children, you must step in to protect them and confront his sin. If he is financially irresponsible, confront him and take steps to bring about repentance. If he says you can’t go to church, go anyway. If he asks you to sign a fraudulent income tax form, refuse and confront that sin the Matthew 18 way.

The truth is, you can and should make many decisions on your own, such as child care, groceries and other purchases, many home-related areas, and your personal life. The Proverbs 31 wife did many things on her own for the good of her husband, children, and home. Still, in significant areas, the husband ought to chart the course and be responsible for making decisions.

Most of the time when the two of you talk issues through and pray about them, you will agree. However, sometimes you won’t. When that happens, the husband must make the call. He is the leader. That’s his job.

Over the twenty-nine years of our marriage, I have made some good decisions and some bad decisions. I mean, some real duds!

The what was I thinking? type of decisions. Wives, please follow the example of my long-suffering wife, Sandy, and don’t say, “I told you so!” That is not nice, and it’s not submission.

What if he refuses to lead?

If your husband refuses to lead in a biblical way, submission becomes a moot point. You don’t submit to him. Why? Two reasons.

1. There can’t be submission if no leadership exists.

2. He is in violation of Scripture and is therefore sinning.

If your husband is not a leader, then you will have to lead the family. This is not God’s plan A, but you have no other choice. You must lead family devotions, make sure home repairs get done, reach financial decisions, and guide your children’s lives. If your husband crabs about your leadership, tell him you will step aside as soon as he assumes his God-ordained position as head of your marriage and family. Hopefully my Husband Transformation Strategy will help motivate and teach him to step up and be your leader.