Chapter 14

God Says: Respect Your Husband

IF YOU WANT to know the best way to your husband’s heart, read the Song of Solomon. If you want to learn how to motivate your husband to meet your deepest needs, read the Song of Solomon. If you want to be the wife God wants you to be, read the Song of Solomon. Study it, meditate on it, and embrace its message.

Solomon was the happiest husband in the world. He was ecstatic, thrilled, deeply satisfied, confident, safe, and secure. His book is called the Song of Solomon because he was whistling a happy tune. Why was he so joyful? One word: Shulamith.

Solomon’s wife was an amazing woman. She knew exactly what she was doing as a wife. She made it her business to meet Solomon’s needs. Attentive, affectionate, and incredibly complimentary. Solomon was her hero. This is what your husband needs to be—your hero!

Shulamith knew the secret to loving a man and connecting with him on the most intimate level. Her secret: she respected him. She realized that a husband’s most important need is to be respected by his wife. The respect she had for Solomon drips from every page of this book. Shulamith respected him every day of their life together. She constantly lifted him up, praised his worth, and honored him for who he was and what he did. She made him feel like a real man.

What was the result of her respect for Solomon? What did he do in return? He loved her with a love so passionate, sensitive, and tender that it boggles the mind. I mean, when you read the Song of Solomon you just can’t quite believe how loving Solomon was. You think: “Oh, please! He could not have been that fantastic a husband!” But he was. That’s what the Bible says. Affectionate and focused on his wife’s needs, Solomon showered her with all kinds of words and actions expressing his love. He treated her like a queen! Best of all he opened up and talked to her—and not just about the weather or the rusty wheels on his chariot. He shared personal, intimate things about himself, about her, and about their relationship. He gave himself to her.

Solomon did everything every wife wants her husband to do. What motivated him to be this kind of husband was the respect Shulamith gave him. That was her secret to getting the marriage partner of her dreams. You can do the same thing she did. I am going to show you how.

Peter, Paul, and Marriage

If the example of Shulamith isn’t enough to convince you of the importance of respecting your husband, read the marital teachings of Peter and Paul. Both of these giants of the early church highlighted a husband’s need to be respected by his wife.

Peter makes the point that husbands can be changed by their wives, even come to faith in Christ “as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:2). Just a few verses later he continues and expands on his instruction:

Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

—1 PETER 3:6

In case you were wondering, you don’t have to call your husband, “Lord.” He would probably love it, but that is going a little too far. Still, God wants you to give your husband the kind of respect Sarah gave Abraham, recognizing him as the leader of their marriage and family.

Paul concludes his powerful section on marriage in the fifth chapter of Ephesians with this final charge for husbands and wives:

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respect her husband.

—EPHESIANS 5:33

As Paul drives home so clearly in that last line, there is nothing a wife can do that is more important than respect her husband. You must treat him as someone who is important and worthy, whom you admire, and who impresses you.

Remember, God commands that you respect your husband. It is not an option. This is a lifestyle. Your respect will meet one of his deepest needs as a man and as a husband. And when he feels respected by you, he is much more likely to make the changes you want him to make. Isn’t that your ultimate goal?

How do you respect your husband? You follow the three Ps.

1. Praise him

Men literally thrive on praise. It is our lifeblood. It is what gives us energy, confidence, power, and passion. Have you ever seen your husband and a group of his male friends watching a football or basketball game together? Or playing a sport? There is constant praise and encouragement flying around, right? “Way to go,” “Atta boy,” “Great shot,” “That was sweet,” and other expressions of positive reinforcement flow freely and often. Guys are always back slapping, fist hitting, and high-fiving each other.

Your husband needs approval and encouragement, and he needs it from you. If Sandy doesn’t praise me on a regular basis, I don’t feel loved by her. She can do all kinds of things for me, but without her praise I feel insecure and discouraged. I think she’s not impressed with me and what I’m doing at work and in the home. As a result, I get quieter and withdraw. Sound familiar?

If you want to deflate your husband’s ego and drive him away from you, just continue to not praise him. I say continue because I am willing to bet that you are not very good at praising him. You tend to notice all the things he doesn’t do, don’t you? And you point out these mistakes to him, don’t you? You overlook all the positive things he does do for you and the family, don’t you?

Your husband needs praise in the same way you need personal talk and emotional connections. If you think you are already praising him enough, you’d better make sure. Ask him how you are doing in the praise department. Whatever he says, concentrate on praising him as much as you can. You can’t praise him too much. You do have to be honest with him about his mistakes, but at the same time you had better be praising him for what he’s doing right.

Earlier in my Husband Transformation Strategy I urged you to not praise your husband. At this point in my strategy it’s time to start praising him.

Compliment him often, using Shulamith as your example.

She was very flattering to Solomon. I mean, it’s almost sickening to read the many sweet things she showered on him, like the following description:

My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.

—SONG OF SOLOMON 2:9

“Young stag” was one of Shulamith’s favorite pet names for Solomon; she repeats it in Song of Solomon 2:17 and 8:14. In today’s language stag means stud. Once or twice a week when your husband comes home from work, say, “How are you, stud?” He is a stud! (After all, he is the only stud you have.) I guarantee you, he will like that. Tell him he’s handsome, charming, or an outstanding worker and family man. Comment positively on his character and integrity. Tell him he looks sharp in his khaki pants and blue blazer. Mention that he is one of the few men you know who makes a real effort to keep his nose hairs clipped. Whatever. You get the idea. Just compliment him on a regular basis.

Thank him for working at his job. Nobody thanks him for doing that job. He needs you to thank him, at least once a week. Thank him for the chores—no matter how few—that he does around the house. Thank him for behavior you like. The next time he takes out the trash, run down the driveway and high-five him: “Give me five, baby; way to go with that trash!” Then slap him on the bottom and say in a loud voice so the neighbors can hear: “You are the trash man!”

The next time he unloads the dishwasher, act like it is a big honking deal! Say something nice and positive to him. You will likely be thinking: “Big whoopee! I’ve unloaded that thing the last 899 times. He’ll probably put the dishes away in the wrong spots anyway.” Hold your tongue! Instead say, “Thank you, young stag. That’s an outstanding job! You are the dishwasher-unloading man!”

Have you noticed your husband fishing for compliments and praise? He will do some small job and mention it to you:

• “Hey, I put gas in your car.”

• “I did a load of laundry for you.”

• “I took out that big, smelly garbage bag.”

• “How does the yard look?”

If he is fishing, you are not doing your job. Don’t make him beg for your praise. Give it to him all the time. If you don’t praise him, he will assume you don’t care about the job he did. He’ll assume you don’t care about him. He will assume he can’t ever please you and that you don’t love him.

If you do praise him regularly, you will kill three birds with one stone: 1) he will continue the behavior you praised and do even more, hoping for additional praise; 2) he will feel loved; 3) and best of all, your praise will help motivate him to become a better husband. Your praise gives him confidence and security. Your praise makes him feel closer to you, gives you more influence in his life, and motivates him to try and please you in the areas most important to you—spirituality, communication, needs, romance, and leadership. So start praising your husband and never stop.

Play with him

On just about every survey taken by a sample of husbands— anywhere in the world—the number-one thing they want from their wives is more sex. No shocker there. The number two need, however, usually comes as quite a surprise to most women: husbands wish they and their wives did more enjoyable activities together. Shared activities and interests are the heart’s desire of nearly every husband. Your husband wants to spend time with you doing something fun like a sport or hobby:

• “Honey, let’s play golf.”

• “Let’s go fishing.”

• “Let’s play tennis.”

• “Let’s go to the football game (or baseball game, basketball game, or NASCAR race).”

• “Let’s watch this sporting event or action-adventure movie on television.”

• “Let’s go visit eighty-five stores at the mall while I watch you try on and talk about two thousand articles of clothing but not actually buy anything.”

OK, I’m kidding about the mall. He wants you to do things he enjoys, not what you enjoy. Hopefully as he transitions from intimacy avoider to sensitive husband he will also do activities you find entertaining. But hey, don’t ask for that up front. Start with his activities. Besides, this section is about his needs, not yours. He will love it when you join him in his leisure-time pursuits. One backdoor way to eventually get him to join you in your world of communication and emotional connection is to first join him in his.

When you are doing something he likes to do, it relaxes him and puts him at ease. Feeling respected and happy, he is much more likely to lower his traditional male defensive guard. When he is more open, it increases the chances he will talk on a deeper level. Pursue such connections, and you may find bridges forming between you that aren’t there at any other time in your relationship.

Men have trouble talking personally when they’re just sitting around doing nothing. Men talk and express when they’re in action or viewing something that holds their attention. If your husband is having fun while engaging in one of his interests, he will feel closer to you, creating a mood conducive to conversation. His tongue will be loosened, and some personal, revealing statements may slip out. Absent activity, with you just staring at him, waiting for him to say something, he has a terrible time talking. However, when he focuses on an interesting activity and talking isn’t expected, he talks! He will say personal things to you during playtimes that he would never, ever say sitting with you in the den or at a restaurant.

You may be able to cut some deals with your husband, using your involvement in his interests as a bargaining chip. Men are essentially fair-minded creatures and understand deals—it is the “I’ll scratch your back and you’ll scratch mine” principle in action. If he doesn’t share personally during a shared activity, say, “Honey, I did ______________ with you, and I enjoyed being with you. Now, I’d like you to take me out Friday evening for a romantic dinner so you can talk to me about your job, the stress you’ve been under, and where we’re going as a couple.” Men don’t like surprises, so give him the agenda. That way he can make some notes in advance. He might not go for this kind of deal. But because you met his need by spending playtime with him, he might.

Pursue him sexually

If there are any men reading this far into the book, you’re thinking, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Now you’re talking my language.” Almost all husbands dream—literally dream—that someday their wives will be more interested in sex. I can virtually guarantee that your husband wants more sex. And he especially wants you to be more excited about sex. He wants you to want him physically. There is nothing as invigorating and stimulating as your woman wanting your body.

I have made a shocking breakthrough in my research: physical affection and sex are important to men. It is a God-given need. That’s right, ladies. We need sex, and if we don’t get it . . . we will die! Please, save our lives! Read Song of Solomon, and you’ll be amazed at how Shulamith was all over Solomon. Not only was she attracted to his body, she let him know it—often. She couldn’t keep her hands off him. Solomon loved every minute of it. He loved her for pursuing him physically.

Most men crave their wives becoming more aggressive in the physical area. Your husband may not admit it, but always being the initiator gets old. Very old. Walking down the hall begging and pleading. Tugging at your skirt. Instead, come to us, please. Touch us. Put your hands on us. Make us feel like men!

Ladies, you know how to do this. Your husband’s sitting on the couch, watching television or staring off into space. For once there are no kids in sight. You go into the bedroom and slip into something “more comfortable.” You spritz on some perfume, like “Sensuality Under the Palms” or “You Wild Thing.” You glide down the hallway in your slinky outfit, sit down next to him, cross your legs the way you do, and then in a soft, sultry voice say: “Hey, big boy! New in town?”

He won’t be able to shut the remote off fast enough! Even if it is the last twenty seconds of the big game and the score is tied . . . he will turn it off without a second thought. You are there, looking good, and you want him.

You don’t have to initiate affection and sex all the time. How about once a week or once every two weeks? Could you? Wives say to me: “Oh, I can’t do this. It’s too embarrassing. I’m too conservative.”

“Get over it, you prude,” I reply.

You don’t come on to him in front of the neighbors or the kids! Just when it is you and him. Believe me, he will absolutely love it. He’ll feel like a young stag, like he’s still got it. He will feel respected in the best possible way—the way that God wants you to offer it to your spouse. Your stag. Your stud. Your hero.