Chapter 15

How to Sneak Inside Your Husband

REMEMBER THE STORY of the Trojan horse? The Greeks and Trojans were locked in a ten-year war with no end in sight. The mighty walled city of Troy was impregnable. The Greeks simply could not break through the massive, thick walls that the Trojans had built around their city.

Finally the Greeks came up with a brilliant strategy. They built a large, hollow wooden horse, filled it with Greek soldiers, and left it outside the gates of Troy. They pretended to withdraw their army. The Trojans, thinking the war was over, brought the horse inside the city. They thought it was some kind of gift.

But that night the soldiers hiding inside the horse climbed out and opened the gates of Troy to the waiting Greek army. The city was completely destroyed and the Greeks won the war.

You Need a Trojan Horse

Your husband is a lot like the ancient fortress of Troy. Over the years he has built huge, impenetrable walls around his heart. He has literally walled off his personal life from everyone, including you. He won’t let you inside. You have tried everything to break through and get to know the real him, but with no success.

What you need is a Trojan horse to sneak inside. You want him to bring you inside his walls without him realizing it. Unlike the Greeks, though, your goal is not to destroy your husband but to persuade him to open up, talk personally, and connect with you emotionally. But you have to get inside to reach that goal.

Steps one through five of my Husband Transformation Strategy are crucial and need to be done in that specific order. Hopefully they will soften up your intimacy avoider’s defenses and bring progress in your communication campaign. Now it is time for the final push in your offensive. Step six is your Trojan horse. You will tell your husband, “I need your help to heal from my past pain.” This will be the decisive strike to sneak inside his heart and mind.

Dredge Up Your Past Pain

What I want you to do is spell out for your husband—in intimate detail—all the significant pain you experienced before meeting him. You are going to write letters to every person in your past that caused you serious pain. I know you can remember at least several individuals who did or said something that harmed you. Something that tore your heart up and left a scar. As you read these words, you are likely picturing in your mind’s eye those individuals who traumatized you in some way, aren’t you? You know who they are—you haven’t forgotten them or what they did. You may have tried to forget, but the pain is still inside. It is time for the pain to come out.

Maybe your mother hurt you, or your father. A brother or a sister. A cousin. An aunt or uncle. A grandparent. A stepfather or stepmother. A foster parent. A neighbor. A teacher. A coach. A Sunday school teacher or youth leader. A pastor. A boyfriend or girlfriend. A close friend. A fiancé. An ex-spouse. A child. A boss. A fellow employee.

In addition to feeling angry and hurt because of what others did to you, you probably have done things that you regret. Things that you’re ashamed of or did damage to you and close friends or family members. Drinking. Drugs. Premarital sex. Lying. Gossiping. An abortion. Gambling. Overspending. An eating disorder. Divorcing someone without biblical grounds. Treating one of your children harshly. Jealousy. An explosive temper. We all have sinned. What are yours?

Not only do I want you to write letters to those who have hurt you, but I also want you to write letters confessing your sins and apologizing to those you have hurt. These letters will be the complete, honest truth in living color. Cover all the details; don’t leave anything out. These heartfelt expressions of the pain you experienced, or inflicted on others, will be raw, ragged, and intense. You will not spare those who hurt you, or yourself, from responsibility. You will not use excuses or rationalize anything. Just share the stories and the pain attached to them.

Pray before you write each letter, asking God to bring forth the memories and pain that needs to get healed. Pray that He will guide, strengthen, comfort you, and give you the ability to forgive. Before you start wondering how I can suggest completing such a bone-jarring, fear-inducing exercise, let me add that these letters are not to send—only to read to your husband. Later you may want to read them to a therapist and a close friend. And you may choose, with God’s direction, to send “cleaned up” versions of these letters to certain individuals.

I want you to write these letters even if you have already resolved your past pain with the help of a therapist. If you didn’t include your husband in the process, then you missed a step. You may have found healing while overlooking a golden opportunity to change your husband and your marriage. Walking through such a personal journey with your husband can get you inside his walls, leading to a breakthrough in communication and intimate connections.

I am asking you to do something that is extremely difficult. I understand that. After leading many couples through this kind of process, I have seen up close and personal how emotionally demanding it is. You will relive the worst times in your life and allow your husband to see it and feel it with you. It requires considerable vulnerability and carries the risk of him not responding or opening his emotional gates to you. I believe it is a risk worth taking. The benefits of letting him see and feel your pain far outweigh the potential pain of disappointment should he choose not to respond.

Check Out the Benefits

You will heal from the pain.

The pain is still inside, and it is affecting every area of your life. In chapters 9 and 10 I explained the importance of forgiving your husband for all the ways he has hurt you. Now you need to forgive all the other people who have hurt you. When you do that, you will be healthier physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

You will be a better wife because you won’t transfer your pain to your husband.

Though unintentional, certain words and behaviors of your husband will trigger memories of the unresolved pain caused by other people. When that happens, your past pain will shoot out of you like a white-hot laser beam, striking your husband. Suddenly your husband is not just receiving your anger and hurt for whatever he did, but he’s also catching it for what others have done to you. Once you and he have worked through your past pain together, such transfers are less likely to occur. He won’t unknowingly trigger such pain, and you will be able to deal with current issues instead of getting stuck in the past.

You and your husband will be closer.

Sharing your pain with your husband will bring the two of you closer in a way you’ve never known before. Doing this kind of deep emotional work will automatically propel your relationship to a deeper level; there is an intimacy in shared pain that cannot be found in any other experience.

Your husband will learn critical communication skills.

As you express your pain through reading these letters and in follow-up conversations, he will learn how to better listen to you, reflect, and build understanding. He will learn—probably for the first time in his life—what it feels like to connect with someone on a deeper level. When he reaches such depths consistently by helping you heal, it will be easier for him to reach intimate levels with you during many other conversations. Once he knows how, he knows how—and can do it repeatedly.

When he connects to your pain, he has a chance to connect to his.

You are not the only spouse here with unresolved pain. Chances are he has plenty of pain in his past too. He just walled himself off from it. In fact, he likely has walled himself off from almost all deeper emotions. However, dealing with your pain will energize his emotional system. With the wheels finally turning, there is a good chance your past pain will trigger his past pain. Because he is getting used to feeling your pain, he may be able to feel his and share it with you.

You will be able to say you gave it your best shot.

Regardless of what happens in the future, it is crucial that you believe you have done everything possible to improve your marriage. You don’t want any regrets. You don’t want to look back over the years of your marriage and realize that all you did was wait, hope, and pray as your spirit withered away more each day. If all you did was tough it out in silent misery, you didn’t do much! When you share your pain with your husband in the way I’m about to describe, you will know with certainty that you did everything you could to change your husband.

“Honey, Here’s What I Need From You”

Tell your husband you want to set up another meeting. He will instantly think (he might even blurt it out), “Oh, no, not another meeting!” But you should respond: “Yes, dear, another meeting. Marriage is just a series of meetings.” Schedule the meeting and let him know it will be about something vitally important and extremely personal to you.

Start the meeting by taking his hands in yours and praying. Pray these words, or something similar:

Dear Father,

I’m scared right now. I have something very important to ask my husband, _________, and I don’t know how he’s going to respond. I have some painful work to do on myself, and I need Your help and his help to do it. Father, give me the courage to ask for his help and to do the work I have to do. Dear Lord, please open his heart so he will help me through what I have to do. This will be very tough for both of us, so please give us strength and guidance through this process. Amen.

OK, you have his attention. He is wondering what is coming next. Here’s what you say (again, adapt the words to fit the way you would say them):

Honey, part of Dr. Clarke’s strategy for improving our marriage is for me to work through painful things that have happened to me in the past. There are people who really hurt me, and I’ve never completely healed from those hurts. As you know, you are one of those people. I have already cleaned out the anger, resentment, and hurt that you caused. I’ve forgiven you and will keep on expressing directly to you new pain you cause me, so I can continue to forgive you.

But there are other people in my past—before I met you—who hurt me deeply. Plus I have done things to hurt others. These unresolved hurts are still inside me and are damaging me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My unresolved pain takes a toll on our marriage. When you do things—usually unintentionally—that remind me of how others have hurt me, it triggers my past pain and I overreact. I get too angry, too intense, and too upset. I know that pushes you away.

Now it’s time for me to clean out all my pain from the past and forgive. I need to forgive those who hurt me and feel forgiven for the mistakes I made to hurt others.

Honey, I can’t do this difficult work alone. Of course I’ll have God on my side. But I need someone I know and trust to walk alongside me as I face and express my past pain. This has to be someone who loves me very much and wants the best for me. This has to be someone who is willing to sacrifice time and energy to be my partner in healing. Honey, I want you to be that person. Before you answer yes or no, here are the steps I’ll be taking and what I need you to do.

I will write letters to those from my past who caused me significant pain. I will also write letters to those whom I feel I hurt with my actions. These letters will be raw, ragged, and detailed. The intensity and pain I express will probably shock you. I won’t be sending these letters. I’ll just read them to you. I need you to listen as I read. I need you to reflect back to me what I’m saying and how I’m feeling. Don’t just listen in silence. Tell me what you are sensing about the basic content and my emotions.

Do your best to feel some of the pain I’ll be feeling. Share my pain. Please try to relive my pain with me. I’ll tell you what I need as I’m reading, so you won’t have to guess if you’re on the right track.

After I read each letter, I will need a number of follow-up talks with you to vent the pain and process the stuff I put in the letter. These talks will last about fifteen to twenty minutes. I’ll want at least two of them per week. I’ll need to talk about the pain until the intensity of it lessens and I feel like I’ve settled it in my heart and mind. I’ll go over the same details I put in the letter. I’ll probably bring up other details that weren’t in the letter. I’ll yell and cry. I’ll ask why these things happened. Sometimes I’ll just be quiet and want you to hold me.

Honey, I need you to listen and reflect during these follow-up talks. Just as you did during the reading of the letter, let me know that you are trying to understand and feel the pain I’m feeling. Tell me what I’m saying and what you think I’m feeling. Ask me questions. If I’m angry, try to feel angry. If I’m sad and hurt, try to be sad and hurt. I know you’re not good at this; just show me you’re trying. I can heal more completely and quickly when you and I are facing and feeling this pain together.

In these talks I’ll also tell you how I think my pain transfers to you and our marriage. I’ll ask you to give me your input on what I’m doing: how you think my pain transfers to our marriage, how you see the pain affecting my life, any insights into me that you discover as you listen to my pain, and any ways my pain is triggering your pain from your past. I’ll give you time between these talks to think and process any responses you might have. I know you can’t give your input right away, but I absolutely have to have you listen and reflect. It’s not essential, but I’d also love to get your input and reactions in these areas I just mentioned.

Dr. Clarke says this process—the letters and the follow-up talks—can take two to three months or even longer. Believe me, this is not all we’ll be doing. We’ll still keep our marriage going in all other areas. But I am convinced that working with you on my pain will heal me. I’ll be a healthier person and a better wife. I also think it can bring us closer as a couple. Would you help me in this process? Would you be my partner in healing my past pain?

Tell him he doesn’t have to give you an answer right away. Tell him you know this is a lot to take in and ask if he has any questions. If he isn’t shocked into total silence, he will have some questions. Since you’ve written down on paper what you just said, give him the letter at this time. He may need to read it as he decides what to do. If he agrees to help you, he will need to reread this orientation letter frequently to remind him what you need him to do in this process.

Your husband will almost certainly say yes. He may not be sure exactly what he is getting into, but he will say yes. He is a good guy. He loves you, so he will want to help you. If for some reason he says no, he is not a good guy. He is a selfish guy and is sinning. I recommend three things:

1. Use one-way communication to express to him your feelings of anger, rejection, and deep hurt.

2. Write the letters and follow-up talks without his involvement, using a Christian therapist and a close, same-sex friend to help you work through your past pain. At least you will be a healthier person at the end of the process.

3. Read and apply the biblical, tough love approach I will explain in chapter 17.

Some of you reading this may not have trauma in your past. Your home was solid and safe, you had great parents, and your life prior to marriage ran pretty smoothly. You still need to go through this process because it has the power to change your marriage. Go with the pain you do remember. No one has experienced a pain-free life. Dredge up whatever you can.

A Walk Through

Let me walk you through the process so you know what to do. When you have finished writing your first letter, schedule the reading for a Friday or Saturday. Give yourself adequate time to read the entire letter. You will need at least a half-hour to forty-five minutes. You must read the letter in a quiet, private place at home. No distractions allowed. Make sure the kids are in bed or occupied. No television. You won’t answer the phone or go to the front door. Read it in a comfortable setting, such as your family room or den. Make sure the lighting is low so your man has a better chance to respond emotionally in a casual, warm atmosphere.

Before you read the letter

Take his hands in yours and pray that God will be with both of you. Ask Him to help you heal and help your husband listen and understand your pain. Ideally, both of you will pray; if your husband won’t, you should. After prayer ask your husband to do his best to reflect what you say and feel as you read the letter. Tell him it is OK to interrupt when he wants to offer statements of reflection or encouragement.

As you read

Pause every few paragraphs and give your husband a chance to reflect and build understanding. When you pause, ask him to tell you what you just said and how he thinks you are feeling. He needs these prompts because when it comes to intimate conversation, IAs don’t know what they are doing. This process is one of the best ways he can learn. The truth is, he’s in emotional connection and communication school, and you are the professor. Make sure you tell him repeatedly that you want his reflection and understanding because it helps you heal. He will work on these critical skills for you, to help you. At the same time he is learning tools that will transform him and your marriage. (He doesn’t have to know about the school part yet.)

If he catches on to the education strategy, simply say: “Honey, first and foremost I need you to reflect and share my pain, because that will help me forgive and leave all this misery behind. Secondarily, as you get better at emotionally connecting with me, our marriage will be better. So, yes, both are true.”

After reading

Thank him for listening and trying to feel your pain. Praise his effort. Husbands need praise, remember? Hand him a copy of the letter only after you are done reading the letter, and ask him to reread it several times. Ask him to pray about your pain, think about it, and process it. Ask him to work hard to feel it and respond to it. Tell him you would like to know such things as his observations, insights, what he has learned about you, how he sees your pain affecting your marriage, and what pain in his life your letter triggered.

It’s a good idea to pray with him again after reading the letter. In your prayer thank God for a husband who is willing to do this with you. Ask God to help your husband process your pain and respond to it.

Finally, schedule the follow-up meetings. You need to have at least two follow-ups a week to keep the pain fresh and your husband engaged. Leave a few days between meetings to allow sufficient time for each of you to process. I recommend Monday and Thursday for these meetings. They will be fifteen to twenty minutes long—any longer and your husband will get distracted and overwhelmed. Sometimes, if you are both getting into it and he’s OK with continuing, you can go longer. How many follow-ups? At least four and maybe even six. You need this many to vent, process, and heal. Your husband needs this many to practice emotionally connecting with you.

In follow-up meetings

Begin with prayer, asking God to be with you as you work together and that the Holy Spirit would bring any memories or thoughts to mind that you might have overlooked. As with the first session choose a quiet, private place where you can screen out all distractions.

After prayer ask your husband if he has any responses to share. At the second meeting ask if he has anything to share about your first letter. As you progress, he may have comments about previous letters or follow-up meetings. If he shares, great. Reflect what he says and interact with him about his statements. If he says nothing—which will likely be the case early in the process— move into verbally processing the latest letter. Vent your feelings, thoughts, and pain. Tell him any additional memories, details, and insights God has brought to mind in the past few days.

As you express yourself in these follow-up meetings, pause occasionally (just as you did as you were reading your original letter) and ask your husband to reflect and understand your pain. Give him the words and phrases to use because he won’t know what to say.

At the close of each follow-up meeting, pray again. Ask God to continue helping each of you process the pain. Afterward thank your husband for spending time with you and trying to help you in the healing process. Ask him to pray and process before the next meeting.

Follow this same procedure until you’ve expressed all the significant pain from your past. You write a letter, read it, have follow-up meetings, and then write another letter. This will prove challenging for both of you and require faith and perseverance. It will hurt. But it has the potential to change your husband. It has the potential to give him a taste of the emotional intimacy he has been missing his whole life. It has the potential to give you the emotional intimacy with your husband that to now has been missing from your marriage.

Around the fourth or fifth follow-up meeting, or whenever you sense you are nearing the end of each cycle of letter and follow-ups, ask your husband to write a letter to you summarizing the process. Ask him to outline what you have shared, your feelings, and his responses to your pain. Tell him to do his best and not worry about being right or wrong. Tell him you just want a heartfelt response. Ask him to do it for you. Make it clear that hearing him read this kind of letter will promote your healing. If he will do it, it will also help him reach a deeper level in his emotional life and in his relationship with you.

To make certain that you understand and can apply step six, I am going to show you how it works in real life. In the next chapter I will describe one couple’s journey through the process of healing together from past pain.