Chapter 17

If He Stays Clammed Up, It’s Time to Confront

YOU HAVE TAKEN all the steps in my Husband Transformation Strategy. You have created a team. Asked your husband to read the chapters on being a biblical husband. Written a letter to him communicating your needs. Forgiven him for his past mistakes. Continued to keep your system clean of resentments by using one-way communication. Addressed your half of your marital problems and worked hard to be a biblical wife. Healed from your past pain and included your husband in the process.

And your husband is still an intimacy avoider. He hasn’t changed. Sure, he went through these six steps with you, but his heart wasn’t in it. It was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. Or he may have done a few steps with you before quitting. Or steadfastly refused to do any of them. He is among the 10 percent of intimacy avoiders who do not respond to steps one through six. He has dug in his heels, refusing to open up to you and meet your needs. You are stronger and healthier as a person, but he’s pretty much the same old IA, leaving you no closer to a personal, intimate marriage.

Ignore the “Experts”

What do you do now? If you turn to the leading Christian “experts” on marriage, they will tell you there isn’t much you can—or should—do. In fact, they would be horrified to know you have already taken the action steps described in this book. These recognized Christian authorities will tell you to just continue pursuing your husband while being patient and acting as a good, dutiful wife: “Smile, honey, and keep on meeting his needs, regardless of his behavior. Just submit and pray for him.”

This extremely popular advice from well-meaning Christian leaders is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Dead wrong, and it will not work. It will ruin you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And it will enable your husband to stay an intimacy avoider. Most of all it is not what the Bible says to do.

Listen to the Bible

The Bible says your husband is a sinner. When he knows what your needs are and still refuses to meet them, he is a sinner. When you have clearly described how his actions have hurt you and he continues, he is a sinner. When he doesn’t respond to you speaking the truth in love about his behavior, he is a sinner. When you have done everything you can do to be a biblical wife and he couldn’t care less, he is a sinner. When you risked vulnerability by being open about your past pain and he is unmoved, he is a sinner.

He is sinning in an intentional, willful way. He has not repented or changed, even though he now knows what God wants him to do as your husband. With his eyes wide open he is breaking God’s laws concerning his role as a husband (Eph. 5:25– 33; 1 Pet. 3:7; Col. 3:19). He has moved from merely acting as an intimacy avoider to a husband who is actively sinning.

Although I have mentioned this passage previously, it is a good time to remind you what the Bible says to do with someone involved in serious sin:

If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

—MATTHEW 18:15–17

This is the same passage I quoted in chapter 13 when I addressed the abusive husband. Guess what? Your husband has advanced to the abuser category. He is not only trashing the sacred institution of marriage, but he is also emotionally abusing you and, indirectly, the children. God wants you to confront your abusive, sinning husband the Matthew 18 way.

My purpose in this chapter is not to set forth a detailed Matthew Confrontation Plan. I wrote an entire book about how to confront a sinning husband (What to Do When Your Spouse Says, I Don’t Love You Anymore). If you are in this situation after step six of my Husband Transformation Strategy, get that book. Here I will give you a brief overview of what you have to do. Keep in mind that these biblical actions are a last resort.

Confront Him Three Times

Gather your support team. Tell them where you are in the process and what you plan to do now. Read Matthew 18:15–17 aloud and pray together that God will use these steps to break your husband and cause him to genuinely confess and repent. Ask your team to pray during each of your coming confrontations.

Go to your husband to schedule a meeting. Make sure the kids are out of the house when the meeting takes place. At the meeting tell him he has clearly chosen to not be the husband you need and the husband God commands him to be. Inform him that his choice and continuing mistreatment of you makes him a sinner. Tell him you are going to follow the Bible and confront his sin. Then read Matthew 18:15–17.

Tell him he already knows what you need. Inform him that you are giving him one week to think and pray about his sin. Make it clear that if he acknowledges his sin and proves to you a heartfelt desire to repent—that is, change—you won’t take any of the other Matthew 18 steps. However, if he chooses not to repent, you will go to the next step.

If he shows no signs of repentance after a week, summon one or two of your closest friends/family members/supporters to join you in confronting him again. Do not stall. Move with speed. You have waited long enough for the man to change. Do not give your husband any warning. This is a surprise attack. Just show up. Ideally one of these “witnesses” needs to be a man who knows your husband well. Let this man or another member of your intervention group do the talking. They should deliver the same message: “You are sinning. You need to repent and take action to genuinely change as a husband. You have one week to show your wife and us that you are serious about changing.”

If, after seven more days, he remains unmoved, go to your pastor and church leaders. Take your team members/witnesses with you. Explain in detail the pitiful state of your marriage, the steps you have taken trying to change it, and how your husband is sinning against you and God. Tell these leaders you have moved through the first two confrontations required by Matthew 18. Urge them to form a team to quickly intervene with your husband. Give them three weeks to take action. If your church leaders fail to follow through, don’t be shocked. Many pastors and church leaders will not agree with the assertive, tough love action you are demanding. They are more likely to just ask you to be patient and submissive. They will probably tell you that if you just love him enough, he will change. They may even blame your marriage problems on you or ask what you have done to create such a crisis.

Don’t hold your breath waiting for them to confront your husband. In addition to many church leaders failing to agree with my approach, it is highly likely they don’t have the guts to confront your husband. Confrontation is tough, and many church leaders avoid doing it. There are some who will confront sinners and enforce church discipline, but there aren’t many. If your church leaders refuse to confront your husband and blame you for your husband’s behavior, it’s going to hurt you. Really hurt you. And yet, I want you to ask for their help because it’s what the Bible instructs you to do. You’ve taken many healthy steps in my strategy at this point, and I think you’re ready to deal with this kind of rejection. Just be prepared for a very negative, disappointing reaction, and if that’s what happens, do three things. One, rely on God for His strength and comfort. Two, lean on your support team. Three, find a new church where the leaders follow the Bible. Then move on to the next step in God’s plan.

Shun Him

By now if your husband has weathered three interventions (or two, if your pastor and his team have “choked” and done nothing) and clearly isn’t about to budge, your job is to shake him as he has never been shaken before. You have reached the end of the Matthew 18 process. Without further discussion you must immediately “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (v. 17). I didn’t say divorce him. I never recommend divorce. You will first shun him. If that doesn’t break him, you should physically separate.

As you start this shunning, gather your children and tell them exactly what you are doing and why. Tell them Daddy is sinning by treating you badly. Give them appropriate, specific examples of his mistreatment. Explain what you have done to try and change him. Read the Matthew 18 passage and describe the interventions you instigated to obey God’s Word. Let them know that you are shunning Dad in an attempt to force true repentance. Be clear that if their father doesn’t respond to this, you will take steps to separate from him.

Shunning means that for one full month you ignore your husband. You act as if he doesn’t exist and talk to him only when absolutely necessary (such as an emergency situation). Move out of the bedroom. Provide no services to him of any kind. No communication. No “good morning” greetings. No time together. No food preparation for him. No laundry for him. No sex. You don’t sit with him in church. You don’t sit with him at your children’s school and sporting events. He doesn’t exist.

If he is stupid enough to ask why, you ignore him. He knows why. You are obeying the Bible and creating a crisis in his life. He needs to see that he has lost you. You have had it. You are over him and his sin. Will he miss you? Will he want you back? You will see. A stubborn, prideful, sinful husband will change only when he realizes he has lost his wife.

If after this month of shunning he remains in sin, make preparations to physically separate. Again remind your children of what you are doing and why. Break your silence by asking him to leave the home. If he refuses or is obviously stalling, take the children and leave. (However, if you can’t afford to move out or have no place to go, remain at home and stay in the shunning mode.)

If at any point in the Matthew 18 confrontation process he shows signs of breaking and repentance, be wary. Stay pulled back and do not just jump back into his arms. Talk is cheap. So are empty promises. Require action. If he says he is ready to change, hand him a list of what he needs to do.

See a Christian psychologist/therapist of your choosing.

You should attend the first session so you can assure he provides the counselor the true picture, not a smokescreen of self-justification or blame-shifting. Insist that your husband go to two months of individual therapy and work on his blocks to intimacy. Require him to sign a confidentiality release form that allows the therapist to offer you regular updates on his progress.

Meet with your pastor.

As with his therapist, you should attend the first meeting. The purpose is to develop a spiritual growth program that he will follow for at least two months. It will include regular church attendance, a small group Bible study, a men’s support group (such as Celebrate Recovery), and one-on-one discipleship. He must continue the support group and discipleship relationship for at least one year.

Find an older, godly man to serve as his accountability partner.

This could be the same guy who is discipling him. They will meet face-to-face weekly, except in unusual situations, such as out-of-town travel or illness. He will have an accountability partner for the rest of his life

He will work to be the best husband he can be for two months.

He will read chapters 5, 6, and 7 and be that kind of husband. In fact, recommend that he read the whole book and make you believe he is willing to follow my advice.

If he follows through on these behaviors and shows progress after two months, only then should you respond favorably and agree to enter marriage counseling. Under the guidance of your therapist, you will go back through my Husband Transformation Strategy. This time require that he dedicate himself to following these steps with energy and passion.

While I hope and pray that you don’t have to carry out step seven of my strategy, this may be necessary. In any case, don’t hesitate. Gather your support team and, with Jesus at your side, do it.

“How Long Do I Wait for Him to Change?”

This is an excellent, practical question. The answer: only God knows. I never recommend divorce—never have and never will. That is not my business. Ending a marriage is always God’s business. I get angry whenever I hear that anyone in a helping role, whether a pastor, therapist, author, family member, or friend, has recommended a divorce. Seek God’s guidance, and He will show you what He wants you to do.

Your sinning husband may divorce you. God may release you from your marriage and allow you to divorce your husband. God may reveal to you that He wants you to stay in your lonely, painful marriage with a sinful spouse—at least, for now. If you believe God wants you to stay, I wrote chapter 18 for you.