“Homosexuality is sinful,” Todd stated emphatically to his son. “It’s not the way God designed us—it’s unnatural.”
“Can you hear yourself, Dad?” Chad countered, shaking his head in disapproval. “You have no right to judge like that. You’ve got to accept people for who they are.”
Is Chad right? When his dad claims that homosexuality is a sin against God’s design, is he passing unwarranted judgment? Does he have a right to make such a judgment? How about Renee’s father? He stated that it was flat wrong for her to sleep with her boyfriend. As Christians, can we be so definitive or dogmatic as to claim other people are wrong for what they do or say or believe to be true about themselves?
First, what Renee and Chad were reacting against most was the way their fathers were coming across to them. Renee felt that her dad was disappointed in her as a person. He made it quite clear she was violating what she was taught. Chad felt that his dad was attacking his friend’s brother and rejecting him for who he was. There weren’t a lot of warm and fuzzy feelings in the room with either family. Reactions and accusations normally escalate into emotional hurts when parents become emphatic and aggressive in expressing their beliefs. Such interactions rarely end well.
What we as parents want is to help our young people see why certain things are wrong and for them to make right choices in life. Yet in sharing the truth with our young people, especially on the bigger and highly controversial issues like sexual behavior, it’s easy to focus more on the dos and don’ts and fail to consider the feelings involved. More often than not, emphasizing the rules tends to deemphasize the relationship. Whenever we share the truth with our young people, or with anyone else, for that matter, it is more effective when expressed in the context of a loving relationship that has the other’s best interest at heart.
The apostle Paul wrote that we are to “speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). Moral truth was meant to be experienced in the context of a loving relationship. All of God’s truth comes from his loving, holy character and is meant to provide for us and protect us. He wants us to know that following his truth is always in our best interest (Deuteronomy 10:13).
The very reason we should want our young people, or anyone we know, to follow the instructions God has given us is because that is what is best for them. That is what love is about—it looks out for the best interest of another person. But does our love give us the right to make judgments about another’s beliefs and behavior? Caring deeply for someone seems to be on the opposite end of the spectrum from judging his or her behavior.
What does scripture say?
“Judge not, that you be not judged.”
(Matthew 7:1 NKJV)
If cultural tolerance had a theme verse, Matthew 7:1 would be it—a direct command, from Jesus no less, that we are not to judge others. This verse is one of the few remaining scriptures generally known in today’s climate of declining biblical literacy, and the cultural thinking about it goes something like this: “Sure, scripture speaks against certain attitudes and actions and offers moral suggestions, but each of us is to interpret and apply those as we see fit. No one has the right to judge our actions as morally wrong. Jesus himself said so.”
This verse is one of the most commonly misused in the Bible. The above interpretation takes it completely out of context. However, when we keep this one statement of Jesus within the entire context of his sermon, which begins in chapter 5, we capture the real meaning of his injunction, “Do not judge others.”
Chapter 7 of Matthew is the continuation of Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount. He begins his sermon with a statement about those who will enter the kingdom of God (Matthew 5:3). With this sermon Jesus is ushering into the world his new eternal kingdom. Throughout the sermon he continually calls people into that kingdom. So any interpretation of what he said within his sermon needs to be set within this context. Jesus is presenting an ethic for his disciples to follow. He is sharing the worldview they must follow if they are to be members of his eternal kingdom—how they are to think, be, and live within it.
When we understand this context, we can see clearly why Jesus tells us not to judge. His new kingdom already has a judge—a Righteous Judge who judges by the perfect standard of truth, which is God himself. God said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay” (Deuteronomy 32:35 NIV). He told Israel to “not seek revenge or bear a grudge” (Leviticus 19:18). Why? Because judgment belongs to the Righteous Judge. When a person condemns another, he or she in effect presumes to determine who can and cannot be forgiven by God. This usurps God’s rightful position as Judge.
Remember what Kenton said to his daughter? “I expect you to honor the morals and values your mother and I taught you all your life.” Later he asked his wife, “Is she going to continue to go against what we have taught her and live an immoral life?” Whose standards of morality was this father most concerned with—his or God’s? Sure, Kenton adopted biblical moral values as his own. But if he was personally offended because his daughter’s behavior embarrassed or affronted him, Renee would have quickly picked up on that and sensed her dad’s rejection. She naturally would not feel accepted.
Renee’s real offense was first and foremost against the righteous King and Judge, Jesus himself. It was his instructions she was failing to follow. He had her best interest at heart when he created marriage as the context in which to experience sex. Was Jesus offended? Yes, but he did not write Renee off as a loss. She, like a lost sheep in his parable, had strayed from the safety of the kingdom, but she was worth rescuing—just as was the Samaritan woman, a greedy tax collector, or any other sinner he met. That’s why Jesus was called a “friend of…sinners” (Luke 7:34).
But this didn’t mean that Jesus abandoned his requirement that we follow what is moral and right. We must remember, however, that he is our model for how to present that standard. Every moral command from Jesus and the Bible comes from a heart of loving relationship with a desire to protect those he loves and provide for their best. If Kenton had captured the heart of Jesus, his attitude and words would have expressed compassion, care, and caution—all of which are in his daughter’s emotional, relational, and spiritual best interest.
So does Matthew 7:1 tell us that since we live in the kingdom of the perfect judge, we are not to judge at all? No. The very next verse tells us that, “The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged” (Matthew 7:2, emphasis added). This makes it clear that we are to make judgments, but when we do, we must be careful to follow two rules: we must use the correct standard, and we must not presume to pass the sentence of condemnation.
Kenton’s mistake was failing to use the current standard. He should have made it clear to Renee that it was not his personal standard she was violating; it was Jesus’ standard. It is Jesus’ character and nature that set the standard of morality, and from that standard God judges. When we lift up God’s standard and make his relational heart known (rules in the context of relationships), we reflect godly judgment.
Many of the religious leaders of Jesus’ day violated both the first and the second rules of judgment. They judged by the wrong standard, and they were a condemning group. They set themselves up in judgment of others using their own legalistic rules as the standard, and they did it with no concern for relationship, condemning without mercy anyone who violated their rules. Jesus didn’t pull any punches when he addressed those who were so quick to see and judge the sins of others: “How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” (Matthew 7:4–5).
Jesus was not telling his disciples never to make moral judgments. In fact, shortly thereafter he told them to beware of false prophets (7:15). Their first responsibility was to purify themselves by God’s universal standard and then to make judgments concerning the behavior of others using the same standard. When God first gave his instructions to Israel he said, “Do not nurse hatred in your heart…. Confront people directly so you will not be held guilty for their sin” (Leviticus 19:17). This suggests that it is not wrong to address a wrong being done; rather, it is wrong to render judgment while harboring ill will toward the offender and hypocritically overlooking sin in our own lives. When we are aware of the sin in our own lives, we will be much more likely to show grace to others (Matthew 18:21–35).
When we look to God as the standard of right, not ourselves, we can judge rightly and truly see evil for what it is. The beauty of intolerance is its opposition to wrong and evil in the world—in alignment with God’s righteous and perfect standard of justice, equality, human rights, and caring for others. Intolerance of evil is not mean-spirited and condemnatory; it is actually the only way to be loving and caring. Far from being judgmental, it advances God’s righteous kingdom.
When we speak the truth, even in love, we need to do so in humility. None of us has a corner on moral truth, which resides in and comes from God. When we stand up for a moral standard, we need to remember we are reflecting Christ and his standard.
One of the accusations that proponents of cultural tolerance make against Christians is that they are not only intolerant, but they are equally arrogant. Indeed, you may come across as arrogant if you claim to hold to a moral truth that applies to everyone, especially when that truth speaks directly to another person’s sex life.
Of course people can be arrogant and right, or they can be arrogant and wrong. Conversely, people can equally be humble and right just as they can be humble and wrong. The attitude one has about truth is irrelevant to whether that truth is valid. Calling someone arrogant is an attack on the person—known as an ad hominem—and ignores the relevant question of truth. Christians should avoid personal attacks. Winning the argument about right or wrong isn’t really the point. We can win the argument but lose the person. As Christians, we are to be “salt” and “light” to the world, letting our “good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise [our] heavenly Father” (Matthew 5:16). When we are wise and faithful witnesses of God and his truth, he is honored.
Being wise about how we take a stand for truth isn’t really that difficult. The key is to claim that the truth you are defending is not “your” truth. It comes from a source above you to which you are as responsible as everyone else.
A few years ago, I (Sean) was having a conversation with a nonbeliever about Christianity. He interrupted me and asked what right I had to claim that Jesus is the only way to salvation. “Isn’t that being quite arrogant?” he asked. I simply replied, “I’m not being arrogant. Jesus is the one who makes the claim. Take it up with him.”
I wasn’t trying to be abrasive. I wanted to startle my friend into the realization that the sinless, virgin-born, miracle-working Savior is the one who claims to be the only way to God. I was in no position to make claims about the means of salvation; that was exclusively up to Jesus. You can defuse a possible argument and keep from falling into the trap of making others think you are claiming that “you own the corner on truth” by indicating that the morality you hold didn’t originate with you. Explain that you have simply chosen to agree with the moral truths that Jesus proclaimed and the Bible propagates.
These universal moral truths are from God, and he has given them to us for our benefit. This is where we have an opportunity to share how God gave us moral truth for our own protection and well-being. Its purpose is not to keep us from enjoying life; it enables us to maximize life. Making it clear that the morality you believe in is biblical minimizes the accusation that you have set yourself up in judgment of others. Some may challenge your interpretation of the Bible and your understanding of the teachings of Jesus, so it is critical to have a ready defense for your views.
While it is important to humbly point people back to God and his Word as the ultimate authority on moral truth, there is no guarantee that others will respond positively. Jesus, the most humble of all, encountered accusations of arrogance. When he made himself known for who he really is, the religious leaders accused him of blasphemy. They said, “You, a mere man, claim to be God” (John 10:33).
Jesus went on to say, “If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world” (John 15:18–19). No matter how lovingly and humbly we speak the truth, some will still reject God’s message and possibly hate us for it. To paraphrase what my (Sean’s) mentor Greg Koukl often says, “We shouldn’t add any offense to the gospel, but we certainly shouldn’t take any away. It’s already offensive enough! If people hate us, just be sure it’s for genuinely following the teachings of Jesus rather than for an unbiblical attitude.”
Another thing some Christians fail to do is interpret God’s truth accurately. You have probably heard people claim the 9/11 attacks were God’s judgment on a sinful nation. Others have said that AIDS is a result of God’s anger toward gays. Practically every time a natural disaster strikes, someone claims it is God’s judgment on the wickedness in the world. To avoid casting a bad light on a righteous but merciful God, we should do our homework before we speak and not make assumptions we cannot justify.
Looking again at sexual morality, does God’s Word really say and mean that premarital sex and homosexual acts are sinful? If so, why? Some people see homosexual acts as wrong because they find them disgusting. Others think teenage premarital sex is wrong because teens are too immature to engage in sex. But these are not the reasons God established boundaries on sex.
As we have already mentioned, scripture is clear when it commands: “Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you” (Ephesians 5:3). When we engage in sexual immorality, whether it is extramarital or premarital sex, pornography, or incest, it is wrong because it is outside the boundaries of God’s intended expression—marriage. Purity before marriage (Hebrews 13:4) and fidelity within marriage (Exodus 20:14) are the loving boundaries God has set in which sexual activity is to take place.
When the apostle Paul wrote his letter to the church in Corinth, it was not unlike our culture today. The reputation of the city of Corinth was that it was full of vice and all manner of sexual sins. The church community he wrote to was multiethnic and was being influenced by a corrupt culture. He contrasted the so-called sexual freedom of the Greco-Roman culture with the sexual life of God’s people within the boundaries of a loving marriage of faithfulness and purity between a man and a woman. Paul, writing under the guidance and inspiration of God, made it clear that sex with anyone outside of a relationship between a married man and woman was wrong. Here is what Paul wrote:
Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God….
You can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies….
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body…. So you must honor God with your body….
Because there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. (1 Corinthians 6:9–10, 13, 18–20; 7:2–4)
Here Paul tells us unambiguously what sexual immorality is—premarital sex, prostitution, pornography, homosexual acts, and adultery—and that it is wrong. Why is sexual immorality wrong? In the passages above, Paul himself gives us a primary reason: our bodies were not made for immorality. When a person commits acts of sexual immorality, he or she is doing something the body was never designed to do. As sexual beings, a man and a woman are designed to experience a sexual union within the confines of marriage—the two are made to enjoy each other sexually. A man is meant to give himself fully to his wife, and the woman is meant to give herself fully to her husband. This unselfish devotion to one another is the formula for emotional, relational, and sexual intimacy.
When we engage in sexual acts outside of marriage, we violate God’s loving boundaries and do wrong against ourselves. God never intended sexual behavior to take place other than within the loving bonds of marriage.
Some religious teachers asked Jesus if a man could divorce his wife for any reason. Jesus referred back to the reality that God originally made marriage between a man and a woman as a permanent union. In referencing Genesis chapters 1 and 2, Jesus reminded them of scriptures recording “that from the beginning ‘God made male and female.’” And he said, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Matthew 19:4–5).
From the beginning God defined marriage between a man and a woman as a permanent union of the heart and the body. The man is drawn away from his family of origin and makes a commitment to love a woman. And when they unite in one heart and one body sexually, they form a marriage union and become “one flesh.” According to Jesus, sex was meant to be experienced within the exclusive, permanent union of one man and one woman in God’s lovingly designed institution of marriage.
In effect, God is telling us that to engage in sex outside of marriage is not what he originally intended. He wants what is best for our sex life. Those who advocate same-sex marriage claim it is not unnatural or a distortion—it is simply extending the marriage institution to same-sex couples. Paul ties sexual immorality to idolatry (Colossians 3:5). To go against God’s design for marriage is to rebel against our Creator (and his design for us) and declare ourselves our own gods. In a sermon on Romans 1, John Piper observed:
The reason Paul focuses on homosexuality in these verses is because it is the most vivid dramatization in life of the profoundest connection between the disordering of heart-worship and the disordering of our sexual lives. I’ll try to say it simply, though it is weighty beyond words.
We learn from Paul in Ephesians 5:31–32 that, from the beginning, manhood and womanhood existed to represent or dramatize God’s relation to his people and then Christ’s relation to his bride, the church. In this drama, the man represents God or Christ and is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. The woman represents God’s people or the church. And sexual union in the covenant of marriage represents pure, undefiled, intense heart-worship. That is, God means for the beauty of worship to be dramatized in the right ordering of our sexual lives.
But instead, we have exchanged the glory of God for images, especially of ourselves. The beauty of heart-worship has been destroyed. Therefore, in judgment, God decrees that this disordering of our relation to him be dramatized in the disordering of our sexual relations with each other. And since the right ordering of our relationship to God in heart-worship was dramatized by heterosexual union in the covenant of marriage, the disordering of our relationship to God is dramatized by the breakdown of that heterosexual union.
Homosexuality is the most vivid form of that breakdown. God and man in covenant worship are represented by male and female in covenant sexual union. Therefore, when man turns from God to images of himself, God hands us over to what we have chosen and dramatizes it by male and female turning to images of themselves for sexual union, namely their own sex. Homosexuality is the judgment of God dramatizing the exchange of the glory of God for images of ourselves. (See the parallel uses of “exchange” in verses 25 and 26.)1
The problem with the revisionist view of marriage is that the nature of marriage is not something that an individual or a community or a society decides, any more than it can “decide” the nature of gravity. A society can decide to call a different relationship “marriage,” or decide to give marriage licenses to same-sex couples, but that doesn’t change the objective nature of marriage itself. According to scripture, God has already decided it. John Stonestreet, executive director of the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview, and I (Sean) coauthored a book about same-sex marriage. In the book, we list three essential characteristics of biblical marriage:
First, marriage is two human beings becoming one in every way possible…. In marriage, two become one, united in mind and body and purpose.
Second, marriage is oriented toward procreation. The act of two becoming one flesh makes God’s intent, that humans should “fill” and “form” his world, possible…. Scripture sees marriage as being closely tied to procreation….
Third, marriage comes with an expectation of permanence. The Genesis account implies marriage is a permanent relationship, [but] Jesus’ words are explicit: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6)….
Therefore we shouldn’t think of marriage as a political institution that belongs to the state. It is a pre-political institution. The state doesn’t create marriage; it can only recognize it. The state, despite all its efforts, will never be able to redefine marriage. Marriage will always be what marriage was created to be, no matter what activist judges, runaway legislatures or majority of voters decide.2
Sex and marriage between a man and a woman are intrinsically linked together by God’s design. That is where the discussion needs to center with your family. What your children hear about the “gay versus Christian” morality debate is often centered on how Christians allegedly discriminate against same-sex marriages and wrongfully label the gay community as sinful. We need to help them refocus the argument. It needs to shift away from who is accusing whom of judging or whether it’s right to legislate morality. We must focus our young peoples’ discussion on who has the right to define morality in the first place. We need to help them see that only God is in the position to say what moral behavior honors him and is in our own best interest. He is the true righteous Judge.
Questions about homosexual behavior, same-sex marriage, and even premarital sex are to be decided not by us, but by God himself. Understanding and properly interpreting what the Bible says about sexual morality will give you a God-focused framework for interacting with others. When you are armed with knowledge of the scriptural truth, you are prepared to guide others to what God has to say on the subject and how he always has our best interest at heart.
Now, imagine the difference it could make if Renee’s parents, Kenton and Teri, had equipped their minds with scriptural knowledge and their hearts with the love and humility of Christ when they interacted with their daughter. What if Todd had done the same thing with his son? Let’s replay the interactions of both of these families and see how things go when these parents are better equipped in both mind and heart.
“My Pancake Special”
“You’ll love him, Mom,” Renee gushed on her visit home from her second year in college. “He’s so considerate, he’s smart, and he’s really good looking.”
Teri smiled. “That’s great honey,” she said. “What’s he majoring in?”
“Business management, just like me.”
“That’s good. Does he have your same church background, too?”
“Mom,” Renee responded with a tinge of irritation. “Let’s not get into church stuff again.”
“I’m not,” Teri replied. “I just wanted to know if he shares our family’s values, that’s all.”
“Tony doesn’t go to church, okay? He’s not an atheist or anything; he’s just not into church and religious stuff.”
“Who’s not into religious stuff?” The voice was that of Renee’s father, Kenton, who had just walked into the room.
“Renee was just telling me about her new friend, Tony,” Teri replied. “She said he isn’t into church.”
“What is he, an atheist?” Kenton asked.
“Come on, you guys,” Renee retorted. “Tony’s a great guy! Whether he goes to church or not isn’t an issue with me.”
“I see,” Kenton responded. “When do we get to meet this great guy anyway?”
“Actually, we were hoping we could both come here for Christmas break—not for the entire two weeks, of course. We want to spend part of it with his parents, too. But at least long enough that you can get to know each other.”
“That’s a wonderful idea, honey,” Teri said. “Your dad and I would love it. Just let us know ahead of time which days you’ll be here, and I’ll have the guest room ready.”
Renee hesitated. “Sure Mom, but—” She took a deep breath. “Well, like, is the guest room really necessary? I was thinking we could just stay in my room together.”
“Oh,” Kenton responded with a sigh. Teri sat silently trying to keep her face from showing the disappointment she felt inside.
“I know it’s a lot to ask and everything,” Renee began. “But since Tony and I are rooming together at college anyway, I thought we could room together here, too.”
Teri’s heart pounded like drums. She looked over at Kenton, his shoulders slumped—his eyes gazing at the floor. Teri spoke first.
“You must really like Tony.”
“I do, Mom. In fact, we’re in love.”
“Love’s a great thing,” Teri replied. “Your dad and I fell in love while we were in college. But we didn’t sleep together before we were married. We weren’t perfect, but we avoided a lot of the pain we saw our friends go through because they didn’t wait.”
“I hear you,” Renee responded. “But that’s a bit old-fashioned these days.”
“It probably does seem old-fashioned,” Kenton chimed in, speaking softly. “But the emotional, spiritual, and possible physical consequences aren’t old-fashioned at all.”
“I know all about safe sex, Dad,” Renee responded quickly.
“It’s more than about safe sex, honey. What your mom and I are trying to say is that you mean the world to us, and we want what’s best for you—so does God. This is from my heart: You’ll never regret waiting, but…” Kenton’s voice cracked. He paused to regain his composure. “But you may always regret not waiting.”
Teri stepped toward her daughter, her eyes blurred with tears, and wrapped her arms around her.
“I love you, honey.”
“I love you, too, Mom,” Renee whispered. As the two drew apart, a small tear could be seen in the corner of Renee’s eye. She took a deep breath.
“I know you guys love me. That means a lot. So about Tony—when he’s here we’ll sleep in separate rooms. And I promise I will think about what you guys have said.”
Kenton stood and took a deep breath.
“Hey,” he said, smiling. “How about ol’ Dad fixing my pancake special for my college girl?”
“That sounds fantastic, Dad.”
Kenton and Teri may not have changed Renee’s moral values, and she may still continue sleeping with her boyfriend. But because they shared God’s moral truth within the context of their loving hearts, Renee heard them out. The relationship with their daughter is intact, maybe stronger than ever. And future opportunities are left open for them to continue to have a positive influence in the life of their daughter as she continues to make her moral choices. God is powerfully at work as his truth is spoken in love.
“May I Join You?”
“We’re out of here,” seventeen-year-old Chad called out to his dad as he and his friend Mike headed toward the door.
“Where you going so fast?” asked Chad’s father, Todd.
“The GG9 is having its track and field this afternoon,” Chad replied. “So Mike and I are going to watch.”
“The GG what?” Todd inquired.
“Dad, it’s been all over the news. Aren’t you up on it?”
“Up on what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Mr. Arnold,” Mike responded, “the GG9 is the international Gay Games, something like the Olympics, that happens every four years. And this year part of it is in our city. My older brother is running in the relay race today.”
“Ohhhhh, those games. Yeah, I’ve read about some about them. What event are you interested in?”
“My brother’s race starts in about an hour,” Mike said.
I’m not wild about my son going to these games, Todd thought. But maybe there’s an opportunity here.
“Would you guys mind if I join you? I used to run the relay myself.”
Chad and Mike looked at each other and shrugged in unison.
“Sure, Dad, come on. There’s no entrance fee or anything.” Chad waved his arm toward the door.
As Todd drove the two boys to the games, he learned that Mike’s brother had recently told his parents, who were divorced, that he was gay. Todd asked how his parents handled that news. Mike replied that it was not well received. His dad told his brother he couldn’t stay at his house, and his dad hadn’t spoken to his brother since.
After the relay race was over, Todd dropped Mike off at his house. On the drive home Todd posed a question to his son.
“What do you think about how Mike’s dad responded to his brother being gay?”
“I think it really sucks,” Chad stated bluntly.
“Yeah, it’s gotta really hurt Mike, too. But why do you think his dad won’t even talk to his brother?” Todd probed.
“His dad probably hates gays, and now that his son’s gay, he probably hates him, too.”
“You know something, son? You don’t have to hate someone just because you disapprove of what he does.”
Chad was listening intently. Todd went on.
“I did a lot of wrong things when I was younger, and God disapproved of every one of them. But he still loved and accepted me for who I was. God is our model for how we can disagree with what a person does and still accept them for the person God created them to be.”
Chad absorbed every word that came out of Todd’s mouth.
“And you know, son, accepting a person for who they are without approving of their behavior is the kind of friendship I think Mike and his brother need.”
Todd went on to share how he and his son could befriend Mike’s brother. Because Todd was willing to walk through a “Samaria,” a place where most Christians won’t go, he was able to demonstrate godly acceptance before his son. Chad knew his dad didn’t believe homosexual behavior was right. But by being accepting enough to watch a relay run by gay participants, Todd is in a great position to mold the mind and heart of his son in the right direction.
These two stories ended well. We don’t mean to imply that this always happens. In fact, many times it doesn’t. Having a loving heart toward young people, and being willing to speak truth in love, often requires patience and a long-suffering heart. There simply is no “magic bullet” for getting children (especially adult children) to do the right thing. As painful as it is, sometimes love requires that parents stand by and watch children do the wrong thing. Having a long-term perspective can help alleviate the pressure to feel like you have to “fix” young people in the present moment. Remember, God loves them more than we do, and his heart aches even more deeply to see them return to him (cf. Luke 13:34).
Not long ago I (Sean) attended The Reformation Project conference, which is part of a larger movement committed to reforming the church’s traditional views on homosexuality.3 My goal was simply to meet people and learn about the movement from the inside. Along with worship, testimonies, and lectures, there were multiple ninety-minute sessions focused on helping people rebut biblical arguments against homosexuality and to make the most compelling case for the compatibility of Christianity and same-sex relationships. These sessions were led by authors Matthew Vines (God and the Gay Christian) and James Brownson (Bible, Gender, Sexuality).
Afterward the leaders broke us up into small groups and sent us to classrooms to practice what we had learned by role-playing. As the group session started, the teacher went to the front of the class and said, “Before we begin the role play, it would be great if everyone could share your story of why you are here and why you care so much about this movement.” Inside I was thinking: You’ve got to be kidding me. How did I get myself into this situation? What should I say? Fortunately, I was fifteenth out of twenty people, so I had some time to think and pray for wisdom.
Even though I had serious theological reservations with the views of others in the group, I was heartbroken at many of their stories. One young man shared how his church kicked him out when they found that he was gay. A young woman shared how her parents rejected her when she came out as a lesbian. An older man shared how he had experienced same-sex attraction his entire life, and because of his shame, he had never told anyone until last week. He first told his mother, who was sixty years old. My heart broke for many of these people.
It was finally my turn. I started with, “My name is Sean McDowell, and I teach at Biola University.” Many of them must have known about Biola and its conservative biblical stance, because half of them looked at me with an expression of surprise and bewilderment, as if they were wondering, Who let this guy in here? I continued, “If you are familiar with Biola, then you probably realize I am not theologically where you want me to be. In fact, I have serious theological reservations about what I am hearing here. But I want to read you something.”
I pulled out the worship packet we were given at registration and read them the opening words, “There is love for one like you. There is grace enough to see you through. And wherever you have walked, whatever path you choose, may you know there is love for one like you.” I then turned and asked, “We may disagree theologically, but there’s a place for me here, right?” At that point, they had to say yes, or they would have betrayed their message of inclusion and tolerance. And many of them graciously welcomed me.
I went on, “Like you, I am here because the church desperately needs to get this answer right. I have seen the pain firsthand that many of my students and friends with same-sex attraction have experienced. I am here to meet many of you, to learn about your views firsthand, and to understand where you are coming from so maybe I can gain some insight about how to best address this issue.”
I paused and then made my final point. “The narrative often told is that those who don’t affirm homosexuality are hateful, bigoted, homophobic, and intolerant. I want you to know that this is not always true. There are Christians who have serious reservations about your theology but still love you as people. I am not homophobic, or I wouldn’t be here. There are many Christians who care deeply about each one of you. And I am sorry many of you have experienced such hurt at the hands of believers. But please don’t be tempted to think we hate you just because we disagree with your views.”
Unfortunately, I had to leave soon afterward to catch a flight. But I have been in touch with a handful of people in that classroom since, and from what I can tell, they were touched by my comments.
Be a student of God’s Word. Know why you believe sexual immorality is wrong—know the positive provision and protection that comes by following God’s instructions on morality. And then seek to speak the truth in love. Capture God’s heart, knowing that he wants only what is best for us. Share how your own obedience to God’s Word has brought you protection and provision. Let your children know you love them. Accept them for who they are as your children regardless of what they have done. As you keep at it, you will increase your opportunities to instill godly values deep within their hearts.
The LORD is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray. He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way. The LORD leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep his covenant and obey his demands. (Psalm 25:8–10)
Repeat [God’s commands] again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. (Deuteronomy 6:7)