24

Finding partners

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

anaïs nin

Dating in the poly world is a lot like dating in the monogamous world, with some exceptions. For those of you who are single or solo poly there's not much difference at all, except that you may be openly dating more than one person at once and you need to disclose those other relationships. For people in a close partnership such as a marriage, however, poly dating will likely involve special scheduling or logistical constraints. You might have to work around a partner's schedule or, if you have a nesting partner and you don't live in a large house, you might find it difficult to bring a date home overnight. None of these problems is unique to polyamory, though: monogamous single parents face similar dating challenges.

Still, "How do I find partners?" is one of the top questions we hear about polyamory. And there are certainly unique concerns: finding poly partners, choosing partners who are compatible with you and your poly style, and disclosing your poly relationships are all things to think about.

It's not about fate

The fairy tale of love has a lot to say about finding romantic partners, but most of this info is not very useful to poly folks. A great deal of it has to do with fate and luck and eyes meeting across crowded rooms. We believe luck plays little role in finding partners. Your success or failure at finding good romantic relationships depends on many factors that are within your control. When we have been unsuccessful finding partners, we've found it helpful to look at ourselves, what we're doing, what we're offering and what we're asking for.

Some things consistently make it harder or easier to connect with potential partners. We offer the following guidelines:

Should you date only poly people?

If you choose only partners who are already polyamorous, as both of us do, a lot of problems are solved right away. However, many people like the opportunity to connect with people who aren't necessarily familiar with polyamory.

Each approach has advantages and disadvantages. Choosing partners who are already poly decreases the chances that, at some point in the future, they'll want a monogamous relationship. It also means they're more likely to have already developed skills to navigate poly. In fact, we know people who won't start a relationship with anyone who doesn't already have at least two partners, on the grounds that dating people with multiple partners allows you to see in advance how well they relate to multiple people.

On the other hand, making this choice really does narrow the dating pool. The poly community in most places is relatively small. Which also means that if you have a bad breakup, everybody will know about it. Then again, maybe that's not a bad thing. Where everyone hears the gossip, there's an incentive to treat people well and keep breakups civil.

If you opt to start a relationship with someone who's new to poly, be prepared for a lot of discussion and negotiation. It can be helpful to read websites, books and other resources about polyamory together. Talk about what polyamory means to each of you, and how your visions of it mesh. Trying to "convert" a person to polyamory is a bit of a mixed bag. Some people take to polyamory naturally as soon as they discover it. Others find that, no matter how hard they try, they can never become happy with it. Starting a relationship with a person who's unsure but willing to "try" may mean painful renegotiations later, and possibly a choice between the end of the relationship and the end of your dreams.

Telling a prospective partner about polyamory

So you're on a hot date, maybe with someone you met online or at a party—outside the poly context. Things are looking good, you're feeling chemistry…so when do you talk about polyamory?

Eve's Story It was the year before I started my first poly relationship, with Ray. Peter and I had formally opened our relationship three years before, but we'd had only a few mediocre dates with people we met online, and a few awkward and ill-fated attempts at initiating interest with people in our social circle.

I met Hugh at a concert by a folksinger who happened to be openly polyamorous. I naively assumed that Hugh would be aware of and comfortable with poly. The two of us hit it off, flirting throughout the concert, and at the end of it, we exchanged numbers. A few days later, we met for dinner and a political lecture (you know, just your routine leftist-intellectual first date).

I knew I had to bring up polyamory—and Peter—with Hugh, but had no idea how. So I looked for an opening in the conversation. Hugh started talking about his union involvement. Aha! My opening. Peter was in a union too! The words came out all at once. "Oh yeah, my husband is in a union and is really involved in it and oh, by the way, we're polyamorous and oh, you don't know what polyamory is?"

A look of shock and betrayal briefly crossed Hugh's face—but I thought to myself, Of course, I never actually told him I wasn't married, right? To his credit, he recovered quickly and gracefully. We went to the lecture and politely said our goodbyes. There was no second date. pinstripe

Ask people in the poly community when to bring up polyamory and many will say, "Before the first date," though a few will hold out. "Not until you're sure you want a relationship."

We are definitely in the "Before the first date—if not earlier" camp. You might avoid bringing up the subject early for fear of "scaring off" a prospective partner. However, we find this logic faulty. If someone isn't okay with polyamory, you want to know right away so you don't waste each other's time. Putting off the conversation too long will make an incompatible partner feel like you pulled a bait and switch; you deprived him of the chance to give informed consent to being on a date with you at all. Our policy is unapologetic openness: If one of us is on a first date with someone, that person is already well aware we are polyamorous.

Being forthright is much easier when you hold the abundance model of relationships. Wanting to put off disclosure about polyamory reveals a scarcity model: an idea that relationship opportunities are so rare that every opportunity must be pursued, even a wrong one. When it comes to bringing up polyamory, simple and direct is usually most successful, especially if you are already partnered. Hiding or talking obliquely about your partner or spouse is really not going to impress your date—at least not in a good way.

Treating polyamory like bad news that needs to be broken gently also isn't a great approach. People take their cues about how to respond to something from the way you present it. If you treat polyamory as if it's an unfortunate medical condition or a guilty secret, that's how they'll see it. If you treat it as a bold philosophy that you're proud to share with the world, they may be impressed by your avant-garde amazingness.

Start simply. "I'm polyamorous." Explain what that means to you. "I believe in open relationships with the knowledge and approval of everybody, and maybe multiple interconnections if everything clicks for the people." Ask questions, such as "Are you open to polyamory?" or (if you know your prospective partner is poly) "What kind of poly do you practice? What kind are you most interested in?" Approaching a potential new partner with integrity means being transparent about your relationship expectations.

Where are poly people?

If you're shopping for bread, you'll have more success in a bakery than in a hardware store. If you're looking for poly people, you're more likely to find them among openly poly people than among people who prefer traditional relationships. A quick online search may turn up poly groups wherever you are. Check Modern Poly's Polyamory Group Registry (polygroups.com), and also search Meetup.com and Facebook for groups in your area.

If no real-life groups are near you, the major social media have many poly communities, and there are web forums and dating sites for poly people. Huge numbers of poly people are on the free dating site OkCupid.com. There, answering lots of personality questions (hundreds) and marking poly-related ones as "mandatory" will help you zero in on your peers, as will listing "polyamory" as an interest in your profile. At the time of writing, a new poly social networking site called K-Tango was in beta testing; this looks like a site worth watching. The two of us met each other through Twitter: Eve was following Franklin, who tweeted about an astronomy lecture. Eve, who happened to be in Portland for a conference, attended—and the rest is…well, this book.

It's a lot harder to find poly people if you're not open about being polyamorous. Imagine a cocktail party with ten poly people there, none of them open. All ten might end up thinking, I wonder where I can go to meet poly people? Not here! We've had multiple people at a single conference or workplace quietly come up and confide in us that they're poly, but don't want anyone else to know about it. Of course, because polyamory is such a vast umbrella term for so many different styles of relationships, someone who says "I'm poly!" may mean something different by it than what you do. Get them talking about what they mean.

The importance of partner selection

The notion that we don't choose our relationships is surprisingly widespread. Compatibility, shared vision, mutually negotiated relationships—none of these things matter in the face of True Love, says the fairy tale. When we fall in love, we are obligated to start a relationship. And once we're in it, the love is the fuel that makes it go. As long as we're in love, we will be happy. Many grown-ups believe this.

Franklin's Story A few years back, I was speaking about alternative relationship models at a convention. One of my fellow panelists, a writer, was complaining that he'd never been able to find a partner who understood his writing habits; his partners tended to complain when he got an idea in the middle of the night and got up to write, or when he would lock himself in his office through dinner because he had a burst of inspiration and was too absorbed to stop and eat.

I suggested the solution to this problem was to choose partners up front who understood the way he worked and were okay with it. The man was quite shocked at this idea. "You don't choose partners!" he insisted. "Relationships just happen. You don't screen lovers the way you would look for an employee at a business!" pinstripe

If we, like Franklin's fellow panelist, accept the idea that we do not choose our partners, we tend to wake up and find ourselves in relationships by default, not design. We may end up, as the writer at the panel did, with partners who are a poor match, because we don't apply good partner selection criteria. We don't think to ask questions that might tell us how well matched we are.

We do have choices about our romantic lives. You can skip right over vast quantities of relationship problems by exercising good partner selection skills at the outset—and yes, partner selection is a skill. Part of it is recognizing the choices we make, and part of recognizing our choices is acknowledging that while we may not always have control over our feelings, we have control over whom we are in relationships with. Love, of and by itself, is not enough to guarantee a good relationship. Good relationships grow by careful tending, but they start with good selection. (Or as gardeners like to say: "Right plant, right place.")

One part of the skill of partner selection is knowing our "deal-breakers" —what would make a partner a poor choice for us. Sexual incompatibility is one common deal-breaker; drug or alcohol abuse is another. So is a history of violence against past romantic partners. But many others are more subtle, such as, in the case of the writer at the conference, disrespect for work habits that are really important to you.

When selecting a partner, there's a strange state of limbo you can end up in: a person doesn't display any particular red flags or deal-breakers, but you also don't feel really enthusiastic about her, either. If we make choices based on whether or not someone hits any of our deal-breakers, we might plow ahead with a relationship without considering whether or not that person has the qualities we want in a partner.

One good policy for partner selection is "'Fuck yes' or no." This policy, first articulated by writer Mark Manson, is based on the idea that it makes no sense to invest time and romantic energy with someone you're not that excited to be with, or who isn't excited to be with you. If the idea of dating someone doesn't prompt an enthusiastic "Fuck yes!" then the answer is no. Ambivalence has little place in romance.

The approach we recommend relies more on asking ourselves questions about what this person has to offer, rather than asking whether this person has disagreeable traits. Franklin likes to use questions such as these:

The previous chapter talked about the idea of amplifiers versus attenuators: people whose response to stress tends to make things worse vs. people who tend to make things better. This idea applies to partner selection. When you're considering dating someone, ask yourself: "Does this person have a history of leaving their social circle better or worse than they found it?"

One factor that can be very revealing is how a prospective partner talks about ex-partners. Are they monsters? Is every story about an ex a tale of woe, in which the ex plays the Big Bad Wolf? This could mean that if you become romantically attached, you'll have the starring role in a future monster story. In contrast, when someone is on generally good terms with former partners, that speaks volumes.

Look at a date's current relationships, if any. Do they seem turbulent or generally smooth? Do you like the way this person treats his current partners? Does he speak positively and respectfully about them? If so, he will likely do the same about you.

Poly dating and children

Poly dating with kids in the picture is in many ways similar to monogamous dating for single or divorced parents. In chapter 13 we told the story of Clara and Elijah, a polyamorous couple with two young children. Many of the strategies they employed represent general best practices for dating with children. Clara chose a partner, Ramon, who had children of his own, and the adults all worked out supportive scheduling strategies around the kids' needs. Not every dating partner would want to do that.

You might seek partners who like being around children, though not everyone considers this a requirement. It can certainly be easier for parents when their partners are kid-oriented people. At minimum, you at least want to feel like your kids are safe around your partners.

As with metamours, a time will eventually come when you will want your partners to meet your children. Most parents we've spoken to prefer not to introduce new partners to their children until the relationship is fairly well established. This serves two purposes: ensuring that you are comfortable with and trust the new partner, and not having your child become attached to someone you're not sure is going to stick around. Of course, the right time to introduce a new partner to a child will probably need to be decided by all the child's parents.

Some people believe having children provides a good rationale for a screening veto, as discussed in chapter 12. Our answer is: sort of. Certainly, when two (or more) parents share custody and caretaking of a child, particularly a very young child, all of them need to be on board regarding who else is allowed into the child's space. This doesn't necessarily mean, however, that all parents need to have veto over new relationships. It might mean that certain partners don't meet the children or come to the home. That will, of course, restrict a relationship in many ways, but choices about how those restrictions will then play out can be left to the people in the relationship.

Finally, remember that your relationship with your child is a relationship, and a very high-maintenance one. And you need to care for that relationship when you are in the throes of a new romance. Just as your partners may feel insecure and scared, so might your children. They too may need reassurance that they are still special, still loved, still irreplaceable. It can be very helpful, as Clara did, to schedule special alone time with your children the way you would schedule "date nights" with your partners: one-on-one time where they have your undivided attention and do something fun with you, so they see that you are still committed to them.

Mismatched success

It's common to see poly relationships in which one partner has much more success meeting new people than another. This can create resentment, guilt and anxiety all around. Some highly sociable people try to scout up dates for their more introverted partners. This rarely succeeds. It can feel a bit awkward to be approached by someone who says, "Hey, would you like to date my boyfriend?" or "How'd you like to go out with my wife?"

In reality, we are responsible for our own dating experiences. It's not your job to provide your partner with new dates. Different people find it easier or harder to meet people, but if you're the one who meets people easily, you're not doing anything wrong. If your partner finds it harder, that's not your fault. Unless you're a professional marriage broker, your ability to find partners for another person is limited (and your responsibility for it, nonexistent).

What strategies work when one person in a couple finds it easier to date than the other? An introvert may need to practice pushing his comfort zone a bit; he might ask an extroverted partner to help bring him into new situations. Different people succeed in different social settings. A person who doesn't meet people easily might have more success in "closed" settings—for example, among friends and acquaintances—than in "open" settings, such as parties or bars. Some people prefer looking online; a web search can turn up guides for how to use OkCupid to find poly people successfully. As mentioned, specifically poly dating sites are springing up all the time.

Social networking through our partners can be another powerful way to meet people, as long as you don't burden your partner with expectations or let your partner run the show. Peter's partner Gwen is someone Eve originally met on OkCupid. They had a four-way date with Gwen and her live-in partner, Finn, and while there was no chemistry between Eve and Finn, Gwen and Peter hit it off. And Clio knew Eve online for about six months before she started dating Peter; her acquaintanceship with Eve was a key factor in her accepting Peter's request to come to her town for a visit.

Kittycat lessons

A "kittycat lesson" is what we call a situation where we generalize poorly from our experiences or learn a lesson that works against us.

Franklin's Story For many years, my mother had a fluffy white cat that might reasonably have been called obstinate. It's not that she was incapable of learning. Far from it. She was a very bright cat; she just tended to learn the wrong lesson. For example, whenever my mother opened the refrigerator door, the cat, realizing that the fridge was the source of all goodness, would try to dart inside.

My mom tried to teach the cat not to do that by closing the door on her nose. The cat learned the lesson quickly—not "I shouldn't try to get into the refrigerator," but rather "I should dash in the instant I can before the door hits my nose." pinstripe

One kittycat lesson we have both seen many times involves strategies for finding new partners. People who feel threatened by polyamory often try to manage risk by placing rigid limitations on new partners. Yet people with experience in poly often avoid restrictive relationships. So the people who get into such relationships tend to have little poly experience and few skills. When problems happen and the relationships end, the people who placed the restrictions may decide they were not restrictive enough, and then try to limit new partners even more. So, in a variant of the cascading self-fulfilling prophesy of doom, people with poly experience avoid them even more, which increases the likelihood they will only find partners with limited poly experience, which increases the odds of trouble.

If you require your relationships to take a specific shape, finding someone who will fit that exact shape is especially difficult, as described in chapter 17. Looking instead for good people, not for good role-fillers, leaves you open to connection even if it takes a form you didn't expect. If you truly are open to only one specific form of poly relationship, then it's helpful to think in terms of what you're offering and what you expect. The more you expect, the more valuable your offer had better be. Would you take it, if someone like you offered it to you right now?

Signing on to the rules

Consent to a relationship must be informed. It's difficult, when the butterflies are fluttering in your tummy, to make a level-headed analysis of the relationship opportunity in front of you. It can be difficult, if your new partner has butterflies fluttering in his tummy, for him to be completely honest with you about things that might put you off—problems in his other relationship that might spill into yours, say, or constraints you might not appreciate.

Any time you start a relationship with a person who is already partnered, there will probably be responsibilities, expectations and commitments already in play. Learn them. Don't go into a relationship blind.

Talk directly to your partner about what effects her other relationships may have on you. What time constraints will affect you? Is your partner out or closeted? Will you be allowed to talk about your relationships? Will you be expected to act as a secondary partner? Are there veto arrangements? What expectations, if any, will there be with respect to your metamours? Will you be allowed (or expected) to meet them? Will your new partner expect to have input into—or veto over—other relationships you might want to start in the future? Are there any other stipulations you'll be subject to?

Franklin prefers to start new relationships only with people who have at least one and preferably two other relationships already. A great way to see what might be in store is to watch how your new partner interacts with his existing partners. What do those relationships look like? What expectations does your new partner have of them? What limitations does he place on those relationships? Every relationship is unique, of course, but patterns can still be revealing. If your partner is kind, compassionate and considerate in his other relationships, he will probably be kind, compassionate and considerate with you. If he seems controlling or demanding of other partners, you can expect the same.

As difficult as it is to consider these things in the giddy rush of a new relationship, it's better to find things out at the start, rather than after you've become more deeply invested emotionally.

A cautionary note on couple-centrism

When two people have only each other as partners, they naturally fall into a pattern of sharing everything, committing all time and resources to the relationship. So when one decides to open her heart and life to a new person, the other often feels that she is losing something—time, focus, energy—and often she is.

Imagine you have planted an oak tree in your garden and tended exclusively to that tree for many years. The tree grows big and strong, forming a beautiful canopy that expands over the entire garden, shading everything beneath it. You love that tree and the shade it gives and have spent many long summer days beneath it, looking up into its branches.

Then one day you find a tiny plant. It intrigues you. You don't know what it's going to grow into, but you want to find out. You want to plant it in your garden…but you don't have any sunny spot left. Your beloved oak tree is shading everything. You don't want to harm your oak tree, so you just plant the new thing in a shady spot, thinking, Maybe it will be something, a nice fern perhaps, that likes the shade. Sometimes that's what happens. The relationship that gets planted beneath the old relationship naturally thrives in the shade. But when that happens, it's sheer luck.

Most romantic relationships do not naturally stay small and inconspicuous. Eventually, there will be a conflict: either the new relationship will wither, or the older relationship must be trimmed a bit to allow sunlight for the new one to grow. Many couples go through this process, and many survive it with healthier relationships as a result. But it can be painful, particularly for the partner being "pruned." Often the new partner ends up taking the brunt of the conflict, shouldering shame and blame as the interloper, the "other." For this reason, many experienced poly people approach people in long-term couples with caution.

Many closely coupled people are indeed available for deep intimacy with others, maintain autonomy over their relationship decisions, and gracefully make room in their lives to honor both their existing commitments and new ones. How do you identify such people? If you're the newcomer, take some time to get to know the couple and observe whether they have strong, independent identities apart from each other or appear completely enmeshed. Here are some signs to look for:

The poly community is, unfortunately, filled with people who have been terribly hurt by well-meaning but inexperienced couples. As Eve's girlfriend, Paloma, has said, "I'm not critical of couples, I'm critical of bad behavior"—and people often use being part of a couple as an excuse for bad behavior. As we've discussed, be especially careful about becoming involved with a member of a couple who doesn't give you a voice in what your relationship will look like. That can lead to all sorts of mischief. A common scenario is that when the couple's relationship changes—which it almost certainly will—you may find yourself unceremoniously dumped…often with a heaping helping of blame for whatever changes happened in the couple's relationship.

We shouldn't need to say this, but you don't have to go into a relationship as a secondary partner if you don't want to. And if you do, you do not have to simply accept what's offered. You can still advocate for your needs, both at the beginning and later on as things move along.

Questions to Ask Yourself

When you're interested in a new person, considering these questions may help you decide whether they are a good choice for you as a partner:

Asking the following questions of a potential partner can help you figure out whether your values and approaches will mesh well in a relationship: