Notes

2   The many forms of love

   Statistics Barry W. McCarthy and Maria Thestrup, "Couple Therapy and the Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction," in Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, 4th ed., ed. Alan S. Gurman, 591–617 (New York: Guilford Press, 2009), 593.

   Celibacy Kinsey Institute, "Frequency of Sex," Frequently Asked Sexuality Questions to the Kinsey Institute, http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#frequency (last updated July 21, 2012; accessed November 12, 2013).

9   Boundaries

   "Tests" a predator gives Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence (New York: Dell, 1998).

10   Rules and agreements

   An inverse relationship to trust Andrea Zanin, "The Problem with Polynormativity," Sex Geek [Blog] (January 24, 2013), http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity.

12   Veto arrangements

   Starting the feedback Mistress Matisse, "Poly Power of Veto," Control Tower [Column], The Stranger (September 13, 2007), http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/control-tower-and-kink-calendar/Content?oid=316814.

14    Practical poly agreements

   Novel situations See, for example, Timothy D. Wilson and Daniel T. Gilbert, "Affective Forecasting," Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 35 (2003): 345–411.

   I will limit you Zanin, "Problem with Polynormativity."

15   How poly relationships are different

   Phenylethylamine H. Sabelli and J. Javaid, "Phenylethylamine Modulation of Affect: Therapeutic and Diagnostic Implications," Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience 7 (1995): 6–14; D. Marazziti and D. Canale, "Hormonal Changes When Falling in Love," Psychoneuroendocrinology 29 (2004): 931–36.

   Limerence Dorothy Tennov, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, 2nd ed. (Lanham, MD: Scarborough House, 1998).

   Long-term outcomes for kids Elisabeth Sheff, The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013).

   Parental shaming Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2013): 134–39.

   Guilt management Ibid., 137.

16   In the middle

   Ping-pong poly Ferret Steinmetz, "Failure Patterns in Poly: The Ping-Pong Partner," The Ferret [blog] (December 16, 2013), http://www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/2013/12/failure-patterns-in-poly-the-ping-pong-partner.

   Monkeys and cucumbers Frans de Waal (Director), Moral Behavior in Animals (TEDxPeachtree, Atlanta, GA, November 2011), video, http://www.ted.com/talks/frans_de_waal_do_animals_have_morals.

17   Opening from a couple

   Swinging chapter Dan Savage, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (New York: Penguin, 2003).

18   Mono/poly relationships

   Column on cowboys Mistress Matisse, "Cowboys and Injuries: When Monogamists Pursue the Polyamorous," Control Tower [Column], The Stranger (July 29, 2010), http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/control-tower/Content?oid=4555764.

19   Sex and laundry

   Survey Kinsey Institute, "Frequency of Sex," see note.

20   Sexual health All online sources in this list and the chart sources, unless otherwise indicated, were accessed March 2014.

   Several studies See, for example, L. J. Bauman and R. Berman, "Adolescent Relationships and Condom Use: Trust, Love and Commitment," AIDS and Behavior 9, no. 2 (2005): 211–22; W. Glauser, "How to Talk to Patients about STI Screening," Medical Post 47, no. 7 (2011): 24; and M. P. Bolton, A. McKay, and M. Schneider, "Relational Influences on Condom Use Discontinuation: A Qualitative Study of Young Adult Women in Dating Relationships," Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 19, no. 3 (2010): 91–104.

   Risk of STI infection T. D. Conley et al., "Unfaithful Individuals Are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals," Journal of Sexual Medicine 9 (2012): 1559–65.

   Antiretroviral drugs Jared M. Baeten et al., "Antiretroviral Prophylaxis for HIV Prevention in Heterosexual Men and Women," New England Journal of Medicine 367 (2012): 399–410; Robert M. Grant et al., "Preexposure Chemoprophylaxis for HIV Prevention in Men Who Have Sex with Men," New England Journal of Medicine (2010): 363: 2587–99.

   Effectiveness of barriers L. E. Manhart and L. A. Koutsky, "Do Condoms Prevent Genital HPV Infection, External Genital Warts, or Cervical Neoplasia? A Meta-analysis," Sexually Transmitted Diseases 29 (2002): 725–35; Emily T. Martin et al., "A Pooled Analysis of the Effect of Condoms in Preventing HSV-2 Acquisition," Archives of Internal Medicine 169, no. 13 (July 13, 2009): 1233–40.

   Assessment of risk W. M. Klein and Z. Kunda, "Exaggerated Self-Assessments and the Preference for Controllable Risks," Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes 59 (1994): 410–27.

   Win the lottery Mike Orkin, Can You Win? The Real Odds for Casino Gambling, Sports Betting and Lotteries (New York: W. H. Freeman & Co., 1991).

   Perception of risk Mehdi Moussaïd, "Opinion Formation and the Collective Dynamics of Risk Perception," PLOS ONE 8, no. 12 (December 30, 2013): e84592, doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0084592.

   No direct benefit Paul Slovic and Ellen Peters, "Risk Perception and Affect," Current Directions in Psychological Science 15 (2006): 322.

   Herpes 1 Richard P. Usatine and Rochelle Tinitigan, "Nongenital Herpes Simplex Virus," American Family Physician 82, no. 9 (November 1, 2010): 1075–82.

   Have herpes themselves L. Newson, "Clinical: The Basics—Herpes Infections," GP, 34 (June 19, 2009), http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA202043631&v=2.1&u=ubcolumbia&it=r&p=HRCA&sw=w&asid=7083d653cc68ce0be1722e49d0f622fa; R. Gupta, T. Warren, and A. Wald, "Genital Herpes," Lancet 307 (2007): 2127–37; "An estimated 13.6% of Canadians (2.9 million) tested positive for HSV-2"; "Among those who tested positive for HSV-2, 6% reported having been diagnosed with the infection; 94% were unaware that they were infected." M. Rotermann et al., "Prevalence of Chlamydia Trachomatis and Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2: Results from the 2009 to 2011 Canadian Health Measures Survey," Health Reports 24, no. 4 (April 2013): 13, 12. http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/82-003-x/2013004/article/11777-eng.pdf.

   Herpes statistics H. A. Beydoun et al., "Socio-demographic and Behavioral Correlates of Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 and 2 Infections and Co-infections Among Adults in the USA," International Journal of Infectious Diseases 14S (2010): 154–60, doi:10.1016/j.ijid.2009.12.007; M. Gilbert, et al., "Using Centralized Laboratory Data to Monitor Trends in Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 and 2 Infection in British Columbia and the Changing Etiology of Genital Herpes," Canadian Journal of Public Health 102, no. 3 (2011): 225–29.

   Possible consequences The United States has more than 10 million car crashes each year, killing more than 30,000 people. Your lifetime odds of dying in a car crash in the United States are 1 in 108. If HSV and HPV are included, most people will encounter an STI in their lifetime, but very few of those will suffer serious, let alone fatal, consequences. For example, although about 80 percent of unvaccinated people will have an HPV infection in their lifetimes, only 1 in 435 women will die of cervical cancer—and other avoidable risk factors, such as smoking and failing to have Pap tests, also affect that number. Car crash statistics: National Safety Council, "Lifetime Odds of Death for Selected Causes, United States, 2009a," Injury Facts (2013), http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/injury_and_death_statistics/Documents/Injury_Facts_43.pdf.; Deaths from cervical cancer: American Cancer Society, Cancer.org, "Lifetime Risk of Developing or Dying from Cancer," http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancerbasics/lifetime-probability-of-developing-or-dying-from-cancer (last updated September 5, 2013).

   Subpopulations at greater risk U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (hereafter CDC), "Estimated Lifetime Risk for Diagnosis of HIV Infection Among Hispanics/Latinos—37 States and Puerto Rico, 2007," Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 59, no. 40 (October 15, 2010): 1297–1301, http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5940a2.htm.

   Men who have sex with men CDC, "Trends in HIV/AIDS Diagnoses Among Men Who Have Sex with Men—33 States, 2001–2006," Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 57, no. 25 (June 27, 2008): 681–86.

   Chlamydia statistics CDC, "Chlamydia—CDC Fact Sheet," http://www.cdc.gov/std/Chlamydia/STDFact-Chlamydia.htm (last updated March 13, 2014); CDC, "2012 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Surveillance: Chlamydia," http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats12/chlamydia.htm (last updated January 7, 2014.

   Chlamydia transmssion U.K. National Health Service, "Chlamydia—Symptoms," http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Chlamydia/Pages/Symptoms.aspx (last updated August 28, 2013).

   Treatment of partners H. Hunter Handsfield et al., Expedited Partner Therapy in the Management of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (Atlanta, GA: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2006).

   Gonorrhea strains CDC, "Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs): Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Basic Information," http://www.cdc.gov/std/Gonorrhea/arg/basic.htm (last updated November 18, 2013).

   Syphilis transmission K. Eccleston, L. Collins, and S. P. Higgins, "Primary Syphilis," International Journal of STD & AIDS 19, no. 3 (March 2008): 145–51, doi:10.1258/ijsa.2007.007258; C. A. Koss, E. F. Dunne, and L. Warner, "A Systematic Review of Epidemiologic Studies Assessing Condom Use and Risk of Syphilis," Sexually Transmitted Diseases 36, no. 7 (July 2009): 401–5, doi:10.1097/OLQ.0b013e3181a396eb.

   HIV statistics Public Health Agency of Canada, "Summary: Estimates of HIV Prevalence and Incidence in Canada, 2011" (2012), http://webqa.phac-aspc.gc.ca/aids-sida/publication/survreport/estimat2011-eng.php.

   HIV transmission Canadian AIDS Society, HIV Transmission: Factors that Affect Biological Risk (2013); Richard Crosby and Sarah Bounse, "Condom Effectiveness: Where Are We Now?" Sexual Health 9, no. 1 (2012): 10–17, http://dx.doi.org/10.1071/SH11036; S. C. Weller and K. Davis-Beaty, "Condom Effectiveness in Reducing Heterosexual HIV Transmission (Review)," Cochrane Collaboration 4 (2007): 1–22,

   http://www.cdnaids.ca/home.nsf/ad7c054e653c96438525721a0050fd60/4d4cf16b70a7247f0525732500678839/$FILE/HIV_Transmission_Factors_that_Affect_Biological_Risk.pdf.

   Hepatitis C CDC, "Viral Hepatitis" http://www.cdc.gov/Hepatitis (last updated March 20, 2014).

   Herpes statistics Fujie Xu et al., "Trends in Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 and Type 2 Seroprevalence in the United States," JAMA: Journal of the American Medical Association 296, no. 8 (2006): 964–73, doi:10.1001/jama.296.8.964; Fujie Xu et al., "Seroprevalence of Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2 Among Persons Aged 14–49 Years—United States, 2005–2008," Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 59, no. 15 (April 23, 2010): 456–59.

   Herpes transmission American College of Nurse-Midwives, "Genital Herpes," Journal of Midwifery & Women's Health 58, no. 5 (2013): 597–98, doi:10.1111/jmwh.12062.

   HPV exposure Public Health Agency of Canada, "Human Papillomavirus (HPV)," http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/std-mts/hpv-vph/fact-faits-eng.php (last updated June 7, 2012); National Cancer Institute, "Understanding Cancer Series: HPV," http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/understandingcancer/HPV-vaccine/AllPages.

   HPV rates of infection HPVinfo.ca, "Incidence and Prevalence of HPV in Canada" (2007), http://www.hpvinfo.ca/health-care-professionals/what-is-hpv/incidence-and-prevalence-of-hpv-in-canada/.

   Cancer risks Cancer.org, "Lifetime Risk of Developing or Dying from Cancer," http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancerbasics/lifetime-probability-of-developing-or-dying-from-cancer (last updated September 5, 2013).

   HPV infection L. Raphaelidis, "Making Sense of HPV," Journal for Nurse Practitioners 2, no.5 (May 2006): 329–32, doi:10.1016/j.nurpra.2006.04.012; CDC, "Incidence, Prevalence, and Cost of Sexually Transmitted Infections in the United States—CDC Fact Sheet" (February 2013), http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats/STI-Estimates-Fact-Sheet-Feb-2013.pdf.

   Co-infection H. Trottier et al., "Human Papillomavirus Infections with Multiple Types and Risk of Cervical Neoplasia," Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention 15 (2006): 1274–80, doi:10.1158/1055-9965.EPI-06-0129; A. K. Chaturvedi et al., "Human Papillomavirus Infection with Multiple Types: Pattern of Coinfection and Risk of Cervical Disease," Journal of Infectious Diseases 20 (2011): 910–20, doi:10.1093/infdis/jiq139.

   Vaccines for HPV Public Health Agency of Canada, "Human Papillomavirus (HPV) Prevention and HPV Vaccines: Questions and Answers," http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/std-mts/hpv-vph/hpv-vph-vaccine-eng.php (last updated March 31, 2011). See also the Gardasil website, www.gardasil.com.

   Condoms and HPV S. Richards, "An Overview of Genital Warts," Nursing Standard 28, no. 24 (2014): 46–50, http://dx.doi.org/10.7748/ns2014.02.28.24.46.e8344; R. L. Winer et al., "Condom Use and the Risk of Genital Human Papillomavirus Infection in Young Women," New England Journal of Medicine 354, no. 25 (2006): 2645–54; K. K. Holmes, R. Levine, and M. Weaver, "Effectiveness of Condoms in Preventing Sexually Transmitted Infections," Bulletin of the World Health Organization 82, no. 6 (June 2004): 454–61.

   Higher-risk HPV infections Raphaelidis, "Making Sense of HPV," see note 2 for page 365.

   Controllable risk factor Eileen F. Dunne et al., "Prevalence of HPV Infection Among Females in the United States," JAMA: Journal of the American Medical Association 297 (2007): 813–19.

   Infectious disease statistics "List of Preventable Causes of Death," Wikipedia, note 5, citing A. H. Mokdad et al., "Actual Causes of Death in the United States, 2000," JAMA: Journal of the American Medical Association 291, no. 10 (March 2004): 1238–45, doi:10.1001/jama.291.10.1238, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_preventable_causes_of_death#cite_note-JAMA2000-5.

Sources for Chart, Common Sexually Transmitted infections (STIs) (chapter 20)

1   U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), "Chlamydia," 2012 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Surveillance, http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats12/chlamydia.htm (last updated January 7, 2014).

2   Public Health Agency of Canada, Report on Sexually Transmitted Infections in Canada 2010 (Centre for Communicable Diseases and Infection Control, Infectious Disease Prevention and Control Branch, 2012), http://publications.gc.ca/collections/collection_2013/aspc-phac/HP37-10-2010-eng.pdf.

3   Genome British Columbia, "BC Researcher Closing in on Chlamydia Vaccine," News Releases (February 25, 2014), http://www.genomebc.ca/index.php?cID=1478.

4   Smart Sex Resource, "Chlamydia," A–Z Topics (2012), http://smartsexresource.com/topics/chlamydia.

5   CDC, "Gonorrhea," 2012 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Surveillance, http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats12/gonorrhea.htm (last updated January 7, 2014).

6   A. E. Jerse, M. C. Bash, and M. W. Russell, "Vaccines against Gonorrhea: Current Status and Future Challenges," Vaccine 32, no. 14 (2014): 1579–87, doi:10.1016/j.vaccine.2013.08.067.

7   CDC, "Gonorrhea—CDC Fact Sheet (Detailed Version)," Gonorrhea, http://www.cdc.gov/std/Gonorrhea/STDFact-gonorrhea-detailed.htm (last updated January 7, 2014).

8   Smart Sex Resource, "Gonorrhea," A–Z Topics (2012), http://smartsexresource.com/topics/gonorrhea.

9   CDC, "Syphilis," 2012 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Surveillance, http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats12/syphilis.htm (last updated January 7, 2014).

10   C. E. Cameron and S. A. Lukehart, "Current Status of Syphilis Vaccine Development: Need, Challenges, Prospects," Vaccine 32, no. 14 (2014): 1602–09, doi:10.1016/j.vaccine.2013.09.053.

11   Smart Sex Resource, "Syphilis," A–Z Topics (2012), http://smartsexresource.com/topics/syphilis.

12    Central Intelligence Agency, "Country Comparison: HIV/AIDS—Adult Prevalence Rate," The World Factbook, https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2155rank.html.

13    Public Health Agency of Canada, "Summary: Estimates of HIV Prevalence and Incidence in Canada, 2011" (Centre for Communicable Diseases and Infection Control, Infectious Disease Prevention and Control Branch, 2012), http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/aids-sida/publication/survreport/estimat2011-eng.php.

14   CDC, "HIV in the United States: At a Glance," HIV/AIDS, http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/statistics/basics/ataglance.html (last updated December 3, 2013).

15   World Health Organization, "HIV Vaccines," HIV/AIDS, http://www.who.int/hiv/topics/vaccines/Vaccines/en/.

16   Ibid., "HIV/AIDS," Online Q&A, http://www.who.int/features/qa/71/en/ (last updated October 2013).

17   BC Centre for Disease Control, "Tests and Diagnosis," HIV/AIDS Overview, http://www.bccdc.ca/dis-cond/a-z/_h/HIVAIDS/overview/default.htm#heading5 (last updated November 18, 2013).

18   AIDSmeds, "Am I Infected? (A Guide to Testing for HIV)," http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/HIVtests_4717.shtml (last updated June 4, 2013).

19   H. Bradley et al., "Seroprevalence of Herpes Simplex Virus Types 1 and 2—United States, 1999–2010," Journal of Infectious Diseases 209 (2014): 325–33, doi:10.1093/infdis/jit458.

20   Xu et al., "Trends in Herpes Simplex Virus," see note for page 363.

21   CDC, "Genital Herpes—CDC Fact Sheet (Detailed Version)," Herpes, http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes-detailed.htm (last updated February 13, 2013).

22   Ibid., "Genital Herpes—CDC Fact Sheet," Herpes, http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm (last updated March 20, 2014).

23   Smart Sex Resource, "Herpes Simplex Virus," A–Z Topics, http://smartsexresource.com/topics/herpes-simplex-virus.

24   L. Corey and H. H. Handsfield, "Genital Herpes and Public Health: Addressing a Global Problem," Journal of the American Medical Association 283, no. 6 (2000): 791–94, doi:10.1001/jama.283.6.791.

25   L. Newson, "Clinical: The Basics—Herpes Infections," GP (June 19, 2009): 34, http://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA202043631&v=2.1&u=ubcolumbia&it=r&p=HRCA&sw=w&asid=7083d653cc68ce0be1722e49d0f622fa.

26   Rotermann et al., "Prevalence of Chlamydia Trachomatis and Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2," 10–15, see note for page 355.

27    E. F. Dunne et al., "Prevalence of HPV Infection Among Females in the United States," Journal of the American Medical Association 297, no. 8 (2007): 813–19, doi:10.1001/jama.297.8.813.

28   CDC, "Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases," 2012 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Surveillance, http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats12/other.htm (last updated January 7, 2014).

29   Ibid., "Genital HPV Infection—Fact Sheet," Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm (last updated March 20, 2014).

30   Smart Sex Resource, "Types of STIs," About STIs (2012), http://smartsexresource.com/about-stis/types-stis.

31   Ibid., "Screening," Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), http://www.cdc.gov/hpv/screening.html (last updated February 5, 2013).

32   Public Health Agency of Canada, "What Everyone Should Know about Human Papillomavirus (HPV): Questions and Answers," http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/std-mts/hpv-vph/hpv-vph-qaqr-eng.php (last updated October 9, 2012).

33   CDC, "Table 2.1 Reported Cases of Acute Hepatitis A, by State—United States, 2007–2011," Viral Hepatitis Statistics & Surveillance, http://www.cdc.gov/hepatitis/Statistics/2011Surveillance/Table2.1.htm (last updated August 19, 2013).

34   Public Health Agency of Canada, "Hepatitis A Vaccine," Canadian Immunization Guide, http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/cig-gci/p04-hepa-eng.php (last updated November 30, 2012).

35   Smart Sex Resource, "Hepatitis A," A–Z Topics (2012), http://smartsexresource.com/topics/hepatitis.

36   CDC, "Table 3.4: Reported Cases of Laboratory-Confirmed, Chronic Hepatitis B Virus (HBV) Infection, by Sex, Race/Ethnicity, Age Group, Place of Birth and Case Criteria—Emerging Infections Program (EIP) Hepatitis Surveillance Demonstration Sites, 2011," Viral Hepatitis Statistics & Surveillance, http://www.cdc.gov/hepatitis/Statistics/2011Surveillance/Table3.4.htm (last updated August 19, 2013).

37   Public Health Agency of Canada, "What You Need to Know: You Can Have It and Not Know It," Hepatitis B—Get the Facts, http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/hcai-iamss/bbp-pts/hepatitis/hep_b-eng.php (last updated August 21, 2010).

38   Smart Sex Resource, "Hepatitis B," A–Z Topics (2012), http://smartsexresource.com/topics/hepatitis-b.

21   Poly puzzles

   Bipolar disorder Jules Angst, "The Emerging Epidemiology of Hypomania and Bipolar II Disorder," Journal of Affective Disorders 50, no. 2 (September 1998): 143–51.

22   Relationship transitions

   Grandmother's unhappy marriage Dan Savage, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family (New York: Penguin, 2005): 113.

24   FINDING PARTNERS

419   "Fuck yes" or no Mark Manson, "'Fuck Yes' or No," Mark Manson [blog] (July 8, 2013), http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes.