It may strike you as rather odd that a new verb could be so important that it would change lives, or even that a new one needed to be created at all. We are more familiar with new nouns, which are thought up to describe something not in existence before, for example a smartphone. A new verb doesn’t just create a single item, however, it describes a whole new thing that humans do that hasn’t been defined before, so I’ll explain why I created it and discuss its significance as we go.
It all began while working with people who had become stuck in their lives. As I listened to them speak, I noticed that as a group they consistently used language in a very particular way, which I decided to call ‘passive’ for reasons that will become clear. ‘Passives’ aren’t only found with people who are stuck though; you can hear them causing trouble everywhere.
Let me give you an example of a passive phrase: I am stressed about the economy.
The problem with this phrase is that it declares that the economy is causing their stress and although it may seem this way, linking these two things together creates enormous problems.
If, as suggested by the statement, the economy was really responsible for their stress then, until the economy changes, and that’s something they can’t individually influence as it is beyond their power to change, then they’re destined to feel stressed. They will just have to wait until those circumstances, which are completely beyond their control, eventually improve. So speaking about it in this way makes them feel completely powerless to do anything about it, and while the economy remains problematic then, predictably, their stress levels will also continue. It is precisely due to this sense of powerlessness, this inability to make a difference, which comes from using this type of language, that I’ve named it ‘passive language’.
Think of it like being a passenger on a bus. You don’t drive or steer the bus, you have no control over how it deals with the traffic or road conditions; the passive casts you as just being a bystander, a victim character in the play of life, a person with no influence to change anything. And feeling powerless is one of the fastest routes to unhappiness and feeling unfulfilled.
But, in fact, it isn’t actually true that you are powerless. It’s not the world economy causing them stress. We know this because of all the people who aren’t that bothered by the economy; so the economy cannot be inherently stress-making. In fact it is the person responding to the economy news and generating and creating stress. Once again, they’re not doing this on purpose; they don’t mean to, it is because they are a genius at being stressed in this very particular context.
Once I heard this passive way of talking often enough to see it was causing problems, it became clear that I needed to find a way to help them move from being very passive to their stress to becoming powerful once again and regaining their influence in a situation – or, as I called it, ‘active’. You’ll recall the importance of influence from Chapter 2, meaning recognizing the things you can make a difference to and then taking action to change them.
The way the example passive statement is constructed suggests that ‘there just isn’t anything we can do’, that we have no possibility of influence. So, the first thing to do is to change this statement so that it’s really clear that we can do something about it. This is where we use the new verb, the Dû.
It has a similar meaning to the familiar English verb ‘do’ but with some very precise differences. The dû specifically means that we are unconsciously involved in the creation of some way of thinking or feeling.
Let’s use the dû in our stress/economy statement to show how it’s used. It’s inserted in this way: I am dûing stress about the economy.
The dû emphasizes that we are involved but unconsciously and unintentionally (that’s why it has a ‘û’ in it). So, as we are not doing it on purpose, there is absolutely no blame attached; however, because we’re influential and involved in the situation it means we can then change what happens next.
Compare how it feels when saying out loud, ‘I am stressed about the economy’ compared to ‘I am dûing stress about the economy.’
Notice that as soon as you say it in this way you’re able to recognize your unconscious and unintentional role in the creation of the stress and it suddenly opens up a brilliant window of opportunity you were probably unaware of before. If you are ‘dûing stress’ then it’s optional and you could stop dûing that stress and do (consciously) something else. And this is the beginning of retaking the power back in your life.
From now on, start using this life-changing way of seeing the possibilities in the world. Changing every one of those stuck passive statements into active ones will throw open the doors wide to the life you love.
Occasionally, I’ve heard people say that, although they understand the concept of dû, it doesn’t apply to them; and, for example, might say, ‘I’m just someone who IS shy and was born with low self-esteem; it’s part of my make-up.’ To them, this seems to be a completely accurate account of their situation but, with a little sideways thinking, we can see it’s not quite as accurate as it should be.
Imagine a two-month-old baby; it’s 3 a.m. and the baby wakes and wants something. Noticing the early hour, does the baby think Oh, it’s a bit too early and, although I have needs, they’re not really as important as anyone else’s. I certainly wouldn’t want to upset or inconvenience anyone with my demands or embarrass myself by drawing attention to myself?
No. The baby knows it wants something; it may not even be clear what it is, but will yell until someone meets its demands. If what they are given doesn’t meet with their exacting expectations, they will feel very free to express their dissatisfaction and yell further until something better is produced.
From this, it becomes clear that we aren’t born with low self-esteem, shyness, guilt, embarrassment, etc. In fact, these are things we learned to dû and, as we practised them a lot, we became very good at them, which made us start to think that that was ‘who we were’, rather than just a set of well-rehearsed behaviours.
This topic is covered extensively in Dû – Unlock Your Potential With a Word, but to break it down simply, the brilliantly insightful serenity prayer suggests we need to:
Have you noticed that so much of the time we put our energy into trying to change things we cannot change; trying to be in charge of things that we actually have no influence over – and we put insufficient energy into changing the things that we can? This is part of the formula for an unhappy and unfulfilled life.
A friend told me that when she lost her bag containing her keys, phone, money, cards, etc., everyone around her said, ‘Oh, you must be so worried and stressed.’ However, she decided to use the dû to get a life she loved, and so replied, to their astonishment, ’What’s the point in dûing stress about it? How on Earth would that help me find the bag?’
When you think about it, she’s right. You’ve probably noticed that being stressed is the least likely thing to help you think clearly and so recall where you might have left a lost item.
When we are, or more precisely, dû, stressed, we activate certain parts of our neurology that quickly access anxious memories or predictions, and stimulate the release of various neurotransmitters and hormones. The simplest way to explain this is that it gets us into a particular ‘state’. In this case, the state of stress and anxiety.
One of the interesting things about states is that it appears that we can’t be in two opposite states at same time.4
Take a moment to check this theory out.
Can you actually laugh hilariously, with genuine good humour, while being sad? Can you feel really deeply relaxed and anxious at the same time?
You can swap, sometimes rapidly, between these two states but can’t maintain them both at the same time.
So, it appears to be a general rule that although we can stray into similar states quite easily, such as sad, angry etc., we can’t be in two opposite states at the same time.
Getting yourself into, or more precisely dûing, the wrong state or mind-set, or stimulating the wrong part of your nervous system (e.g. anxious, unhappy, overwhelmed) is one of the most common things that we dû as humans that gets in our way of having happiness and a great life.
Just consider for a minute how often we dû the following:
When we’re in a hurry and get stuck in traffic, what do we dû then? Frustration, anxiety, stress? These things are all more likely to cause us to crash, have an argument, get an ulcer, etc., and least useful in making the traffic move.
With this brief introduction to the dû, I hope you have a sense of how, when you use it all the time, you reclaim your power.
For completeness, however, it’s worth mentioning that there are occasions when the old style of ‘do’ should be used, as dû is reserved for when you’re involved in creating states without thinking; for example, we use dû for dûing stress as it’s an unconscious and unintentional process. However, if you then intentionally decide to make yourself calm then this is doing calm, as it’s an intentional, conscious process.
Of course, with time and practice, you could just start to dû calm unconsciously; and then you’d be a genius at calm.
As using the dû allows you to recover your options it’s also the fastest way I’ve found to getting back into a more appropriate state or mind-set, or activating the most useful part of your nervous system.
You can start increasing your awareness of when you need to use the dû with this exercise.
Make a list of the ‘bad’ or ‘unhelpful’ states that you commonly get into.
Now take each one and rewrite them adding in the dû, following the structure of the examples below:
What are some common signs that you’ve been dûing the wrong state? Choose from this list below and make a note of any other ones you recognize:
So to recap this very brief introduction to dû, anytime you’re feeling stuck, feeling that there’s nothing you can do about your situation, feeling powerless, feeling like a victim of circumstance, it is time to use the dû. The dû will open up a new possibility immediately for you each time. It will help you uncover the elements of the situation that you’d forgotten you had influence over. It will remind you that you are actively dûing that negative behaviour; that it’s time to stop dûing that and become powerful again.
In our original scenario, ‘I am stressed about the economy’, we can see that although there’s clearly little we can personally do about ‘the economy’, we have immense influence over the amount of stress we are dûing.
Using the dû to recognize where you’ve given away your power and reclaiming it back is the first step to change. There are also a number of other steps, which naturally follow from this position; however, in many cases, just recognizing this and reclaiming your power with the dû is often enough to turn things around radically.
Now, time for a reality check…
