Lesson 13: Running Through
the First Steps
Now that you know how to use your Stop to reroute the very dominant and successful pathways that have been taking you into the Pit, you can start to exercise some new and much more exciting areas of your brain instead. What you’ve learned in previous chapters should also have provided you with all the component parts you need to make this happen:
In this chapter, we’ll work through how and when to use your Stop. As with most of these steps, once learned it becomes quite simple. However, let’s start by looking at each element of the process and the steps in detail, so you really understand what you’re doing and why. It may seem like a lot of information, but all the points are summarized in the next chapter so you’ll have a handy guide to implementing the process as a whole.
Congruence is vital to ensure that you’re activating the maximum amount of positive neurology, as this will make the change become permanent. To help you to be congruent, begin by using these steps physically. In other words, stand up and walk around the steps in the very defined and specific ways that follow.
Although more rebellious people, and that would definitely include me, might baulk at having to do something by rote, this simple and structured approach is the most effective way of learning anything new.
When you think about it, it’s exactly the kind of approach we use when learning to write or drive a car. When we learned to write, we endlessly practised getting the shapes of letters correct and when we initially learned to drive we kept our hands in the ‘10 to 2 clock face position’ on the steering wheel, until it became automatic to do so. We didn’t just mentally pretend to write letters or drive as a practise exercise, we needed to put pen to paper or get in the car to get the skills properly into our neuromuscular memory.
It’s the same with these steps. Initially you’ll need to do them physically and repeat them the same way each time, quite a few times until they become automatic. And just like practising writing an S, or a right turn in a car, you’ll need to do each one with conviction, every time, as that’s the quickest way to train the human brain.
However, in a few weeks’ time, you’ll have retrained your brain to head down into the new ‘good’ pathways and you’ll be familiar with the steps, so can be more casual with your use of them. In the same way that now, when you jot down a shopping list in a hurry, you probably don’t make every letter perfect but each is legible and, once we’ve passed our driving test, rarely hold the steering wheel in the prescribed manner, instead we do it in our own sweet way, knowing we can steer the car effectively in that way too. If our original training was effective enough, then if we ever have to write a really important letter, or find ourselves driving in dangerous conditions, or suddenly heading towards the Pit, that old original, reliable training is still available for us when we really need it.
So, the simple truth is that doing the steps differently from the way described below will just produce unpredictable results, but if you want fast, effective results then I’d recommend doing it exactly in the way that follows…
Start by picturing the first three positions laid out on the floor, or draw them out on some paper, just as shown on the map below.
The happiness and fulfilment world map
Stand in the square of the Present; notice the footprints showing you where you need to stand and what direction you need to face.
Begin by recognizing any one of the ways that you take yourself into the Pit. Let’s use a common example of a ‘Pit phrase’:
Very quickly score yourself out of 10, where 10 is feeling good and zero is not feeling good. Once you’ve done that, move to step three.
Now, you need to interrupt that neurology and those Pit thought processes, so use the Stop.
Placing the Stop
As soon as you notice the Pit, step from the Present out to the Stop position and insert your Stop, physically, just as you practised in the last chapter:
And because you’ve interrupted it, the rest of the phrase after the ‘Wh…’ isn’t said or thought.
Congratulations! Now you’ve learned the first three practical steps to getting the life you love, now.
Let’s just debrief what you’ve done and why.
Looking at the map we can see the Stop position is to the left of the Present with the footprints showing that you must step out to the left and also turn 90 degrees to look at the Present from the side. This means each time you’re ready to use your Stop you need to step into this position and say your powerful Stop out loud, congruently, just as you practised in the last chapter.
Now if that seems like a lot to do, then you’d be right. The steps are specifically designed in this way. If we break it down we have:
That is a lot of steps and it takes most people a few times of repetition to get the hang of putting it all together, so don’t worry if you start off being a little bit confused – just break down the steps a piece at a time until you feel familiar with it.
I like to make things very simple, so why is this process so deliberately complex? The answer lies in the computing power of the brain.
Research in the 1950s by George Miller7 into the limits of the brain’s capacity for processing information, suggests that the brain is only capable of processing about seven pieces of information, consciously, at any one time.
We can visualize those seven pieces of information as occupying one of the seven available ‘slots’.
If we fill the seven slots with Pit-inducing phrases then we will head into the Pit.
However, if, instead, we refill those seven slots with the steps outlined above, then there are no spaces left for the brain to think about the Pit at all.
So just by doing this, you’ll have completely derailed the thoughts that were heading you towards the Pit and replaced them by a very clear, equally powerful Stop.
And that is the Stop element of the process.
On its own the Stop is very valuable at interrupting patterns and will give you a sense of relief, change and empowerment. However, this is just the beginning, because without further instruction the brain will just go back to its normal default pattern, which for many people will be straight back to the Pit.
This is actually why most techniques based on willpower alone fail; fighting the internal torrent of well-established Pit pathways is a long battle that is quite hard to win.
While on the subject of other approaches to change, you may have already recognized one of the problems with many ‘just think positively’ techniques. Although it’s absolutely true that thinking positively is a great thing and the root of many modern approaches to a better future, unless you include some recognition and interruption of the Pit, it will tend only to be successful in a very limited way. Trying to be positive while undermining yourself by still being in the Pit is like putting a candle on a rotting fish and calling it a cake.
Before moving onto the next steps that will address how to avoid just simply collapsing back into the Pit there are a few useful tips to help you use the steps so far.
My experience is that when people first learn these basic steps it takes a little while to get the hang of them. They often also have some very common questions about these three steps that I’ve answered below.
As this is a whole new skill set combining new ways of thinking, moving, acting and speaking make sure you give yourself some time to rehearse and learn the steps. Don’t necessarily expect to master it on the first go, and remember to be kind to yourself, as this is an intrinsic part of this approach.
This should be quite easy: remember you’re either having a great life or you’re not. There’s also the checklist provided earlier to help you (see Exercise: Knowing the enemy), but another useful plan is to make a list of your ‘catchphrases’.
I’ve found in the past that the term ‘catchphrases’ doesn’t always translate into all cultures, so just to explain: a catchphrase is a very recognizable phrase, often used by comedians or chat-show hosts, which is so closely identified with their ‘act’ that it makes them instantly recognizable as soon as the first words of it are uttered.
So, in this context, a catchphrase is the very beginning of one of those phrases that takes you into the Pit. Becoming aware of them gives you a heads up, a red alert warning to the fact that you’re heading towards the Pit. People often have many more than just one Pit catchphrase. Another good way to get familiar with catchphrases is to listen to other people’s – you’ll probably find that you know the catchphrases of some of your close friends, acquaintances and family members as these are warning signs to stay away from them, come to their aid, or get into an argument with them!
For some people, initially, they don’t hear the catchphrase that took them into the Pit and that’s fine, as sometimes it might be:
For some people, at least initially, the first time they are aware that they are heading towards the Pit is when they are deep in it and immersed in negative feelings. In this event they often aren’t yet aware of the kind of thinking that took them into the Pit but we’ll cover this in the ‘Reflection’ step later in the process.
Whatever took you towards or into the Pit, whether you’re familiar with it or not, the next step – the Stop – is always the same.
Take some of your catchphrases, or if you have noted down other people’s catchphrases use them too, and practise working out where to put the Stop and getting used to saying the phrase and interrupting it with your Stop.
If you find that the Stop is not effective at interrupting your Pit thoughts then it is invariably due to a lack of congruency in your delivery of it. If the Stop is not congruent it won’t activate the powerful neurology required to counteract the very strong and robust pathways that take you into the Pit. When we covered the four different Stop postures you noticed that one of them appealed to you more than the others; having put the steps into practice you may find that you prefer a different one from the one you initially chose.
A general rule is to use a Stop that is opposite to the kind of Pit you are going into.
In a seminar, delivering this training, the trainer would spend a lot of time coaching you to use the steps. Using this book means you’ll have to take that role, and the following exercises will help you to focus on the most important areas to work on.
Open your diary and allocate a 10-minute appointment with yourself every day for the next seven days to rehearse these steps.
Make a list of the first few words of every catchphrase or physical gesture (e.g. sigh, grimace, etc.) used by yourself, or others, which leads into the Pit.
Practise saying the first word or syllable of each of these catchphrases or physical gestures and get used to interrupting them with your Stop.
Practise your Stop in front of the mirror or a video camera. You might want to ask a friend to give you some feedback on how believable your Stop is to them. Rehearse your Stop until it’s congruent, believable and familiar.
Get familiar with performing an energetic Stop and also a deeply calm one.
From now on, every time you spot the Pit, get used to using these three steps to start to make change.
My experience is that the more you use the Stop physically and out loud in the early stages the quicker your brain learns, just like learning to play the piano or driving a car. However, there are times when it’s not appropriate to do the steps physically or out loud, while driving a car or in a business meeting for example. In these cases there are a number of options:
This point in your training provides a natural place to break. Now you’ve got some core tools to start making change with, so make sure you spend some time becoming familiar with them.
In the next few chapters we’re going to move onto the final steps of getting a life you love.
