Lesson 15: Acknowledgement – Coaching (Phase I)
As you stand in the position of Coach, looking at yourself standing in the Present, there are three phases of Coaching to learn – and the first phase is ‘acknowledgement’, which is all about how your inner Coach speaks to you (Coaching phases II and III follow in the following chapters).
Imagine that you’re talking to the ‘you’ standing in the square of the Present, and with absolute authenticity and physically congruence, say the following phrases:
These are very simple statements, but my experience is that many people find it quite hard to say these incredibly important things authentically to themselves. Learning to let go of the resistance to being kind to yourself is probably one of the most transformational things I’ve ever observed, and many people literally get their lives back by just allowing themselves to be nice to themselves. As you learn to be a good Coach to yourself, it might be helpful to keep in mind this quote from Virginia Satir: ‘We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.’
There is a phrase I use a lot in this stage of the process, which is: ‘if you treated your friends like you treat yourself, would you have any?’ Many people have been taught to confuse these two ideas:
Yet these are not the same things at all. The first is a good thing that brings joy to them and people around them, while the second only focuses on them at the cost of others, and is generally not so good.
There is an interesting story from the Bible, which highlights the importance of the first idea, when Jesus is asked which is the most important of the Ten Commandments. He replies that two are the most important.
This second commandment is often taken as an instruction to be nice to people and care for others, which is, of course, a good thing. But we can also recognize that Jesus is probably not saying, ‘be nasty to yourself so that you can be nasty to your neighbour.’
This idea is echoed in many spiritual teachings, with the most obvious example being the practice of loving kindness from Buddhism, which I came across years after designing these steps. This is a practice in which you develop the ability to give out love and kindness to all things, but the first step is to give it to yourself.
So, rather than seeing ‘being nice to yourself’ as a selfish thing to do, see it as the starting point to making the world a better place. There’s a lack of congruency and authenticity in someone who hates themselves, and yet spends all their time trying to be nice to other people.
If ‘being nice to yourself’ has been an issue for you then it’s time to allow yourself to start being nice to yourself, not only as a gift to yourself, but as a contribution to others and the world as a whole. When you start being nicer to yourself, to be more fulfilled and Present, you can be of much more value to others. When you do this, your energies will be focused in the same direction and that will make you a powerful force for authentic change in the world.
In this acknowledgement phase a number of core ideas are presented. It is useful to explain why we use them, so that as we say each one we fully mean it. This understanding will also allow you to develop your own words and phrases to express these ideas with time.
‘Well done, you’re on track.’
This reminds you that you’ve just made a very powerful step in re-routing your brain and the direction of your life. This needs to be acknowledged as a brilliant thing to have done; recognition that now you are heading in exactly the right direction.
‘You are a powerful genius.’
This reminds us of the important ideas of genius and ELFs (Excellences of Limited Function, or upside-down genius) that show you how you are incredible, determined and really good at things.
‘You can do anything you put your mind to.’
This phrase is core to Coaching as it reinforces the Coach’s opinion that, of course, you can be successful. It builds on the idea that you are a genius and have developed this incredible ability to steer your brain into the Pit. If you can train your brain that well, you can train it in a new direction to achieve pretty much anything.
‘I will be with you every single step of the way.’
It can sometimes feel daunting to make a change on your own, but with this statement the Coach reaffirms that you’re not going to be on your own any more on this journey. You now know the Coach is going to be there, any time you need them.
‘I love and admire you.’
This is the Coach stating how important, valued and lovable you are to them. This is the statement that, as discussed above, some people can find the most challenging to say to themselves. If this is true of you, then you need to say it more often to yourself.
After all, if you don’t love yourself, how easy will it be to let anyone else’s love in, and is it likely to help you get a life you love?
‘You deserve great things.’
Many people don’t feel deserving of good things in their lives. And so, in a very similar way to the preceding idea, if you don’t feel you deserve good things, then what chance is there of good things actually happening, or of you being able to embrace them if they do? If you find this statement challenging than it’s a clear sign you need to say this more often to yourself.
‘Everything is going to be okay.’
This statement reminds you of the idea of being Present. All there is is ‘NOW’ and it’s actually okay. Being Present will help you feel okay about yourself and the way of the world, and is an intrinsic step towards getting a life you love.
Once the Coach has said all these great things to you (and with time you can tailor these phrases, but in the initial training phase I recommend saying them all as I have written them), it’s time to step back over to the square of the Present.
As you may remember, I mentioned earlier that the point of this process is to swap from having a continual conversation between you and the Pit to having a conversation between you and your inner Coach.
So now that we have extracted ourselves from the Pit and have had the first part of the Coach’s conversation, it’s time to step into the Present, and hear the conversation from that position.
Step into the Present and re-score yourself out of 10, where 10 is feeling good and zero is not feeling good. You should notice improvement in your score from when you were in the Pit.
If the Coach did a great job, and you’re able to really take that in, then you’re completely on track. You should know this is the case because you’ll feel some sense of support and positivity. You’ll also feel a sense of either starting to see the light or being bathed in its brilliance.
Tips
If your score didn’t change then there are two things to check:
1. Did the Coach do a good job in acknowledging you, did they sound believable?
If you felt the Coach could have been much better, then step back into the Coach position and do the Coaching acknowledgement step with even more congruence.
2. Did you listen to your Coach saying those great things to you and actually take them in?
If you felt the Coach was good but you were just dûing ‘unable to take it in’, this is a good example of a non-life-enhancing behaviour, which means you’re headed into the Pit – and every time you get into the Pit you need to make a Stop, and use the usual steps to get out.
Using this approach will ensure that your Coaching is brilliant and you’re able to accept and take in the acknowledgement of your Coach.
Now you’ve completed this section, every time you spot the Pit use the steps to become a brilliantly effective Coach, who will acknowledge how amazing you are, support and inspire you.
Once again, it’s worth pausing your training here and practising what you’ve learned so far, as these simple first steps are incredibly powerful in nurturing yourself and rewiring your ‘positive self-regard’ to become your normal way of being.
The more time you spend exercising the pathways of success and happiness and the more you let the old negative pathways waste away through disuse, the more you’ll have of a life you love.
When you’re ready to continue, which can be immediately if you have the time, we’ll move into phase II of Coaching.
