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Three Types of Married Sex

In marriage, sex generally falls into one of three main types, and each type serves a different purpose and plays an important role in nourishing a well-rounded sex life.

The first type is spontaneous sex. When people think of sex, this is what most often comes to mind. It’s the type of sex that just happens. A couple is attracted to one another both physically and emotionally. The energy builds and leads to an experience of unplanned passion. It’s fun, natural, and an important part of any marriage.

Spontaneous sex is easy in the early years. During the honeymoon phase, it might be the only sex necessary. But as kids come along and the stresses of life increase, spontaneity can decrease. After being married for just a short time, a married couple must add the other two types of sex. At the same time, the longer a couple has been married, the more important it is for them to continue to include spontaneous rendezvous in their sexual diet.

When spontaneous sex dies, a couple can quickly fall into a marital rut. Spontaneity is vital so that sex doesn’t become predictable and boring.

The second type of sex is scheduled sex. Planning sex sounds like a turnoff to many people. When I talk to a couple considering marriage, they often wrinkle their noses at the mention of scheduled sex. They can’t imagine it being necessary or useful. I ask them, “Do you plan on having sex on your honeymoon?” Of course they do. They are already scheduling it.

The misconception about scheduled sex is that it won’t be any good. It might be acceptable, but it is not as good as spontaneous sex. This isn’t true. Scheduling Thanksgiving dinner does not make the dinner second rate. Planning a vacation doesn’t hurt the experience of the vacation. As a matter of fact, half the fun of planning important things is the anticipation that goes into them. Imagine if the Super Bowl just suddenly happened. It wouldn’t be nearly as good without the two weeks of pregame hype and preparations. Most important things in life are planned. It only makes sense for sex to be one of those things.

Scheduled sex becomes more important when the partnership between husband and wife fully develops. As the couple is raising kids, working on careers, and caught in a busy season of life, scheduling sex becomes necessary. As hectic as life can become, planning time to be alone is vital for the relationship. If you’ve never tried to schedule sex with your spouse, try it and see if it’s as boring as people think. I’ve yet to meet a couple who practices scheduled sex and says it is boring.

By scheduling sex, a couple can make sure the spouse with a higher sex drive is better satisfied and is not left wondering when the next event might occur. It also gives both spouses the opportunity to reject a sexual encounter if they do not feel well or aren’t in the mood, while still giving the other spouse hope of when the next encounter will occur. Every couple schedules sex—honeymoon, anniversaries, birthdays, certain holidays. Wise couples simply schedule it more often.

The third type of sex is often the most overlooked, but it is still equally necessary. It is maintenance sex. Because in nearly every relationship one partner has a higher drive than the other, some compromise will have to take place regarding the frequency of sex. If a couple only has as much sex as the lower-drive spouse desires, they will not have a healthy sex life. It must be more than the lowest desired, but it will probably be less than what the higher-drive spouse wants.

A wise couple discusses frequency on a regular basis and negotiates a general agreement of how often sex will occur. It should never be a concrete number per week, but it should be a working agreement. For this to happen, some sex will have to be maintenance sex. This is an encounter primarily for the higher-drive partner.

This might take some effort from the lower-drive partner, but it is worth it. One mistake many couples make is to think the higher-drive partner is wrong for wanting more sex. This isn’t true. Many times I see couples in which one partner claims the other “wants too much sex,” and when I ask how much is too much, the amount stated is a very normal amount. A high sex drive is not wrong. Our drives are different, and compromise should determine how often we have sex.

The concept of maintenance sex is related to an important topic regarding marital sex. It is not necessary for both partners to orgasm every time for a sexual encounter to be successful. Maybe one wants sex and the other doesn’t. Maybe one partner is too tired but enjoys the closeness of the encounter. Maybe the female orgasm is so intense that she doesn’t need it to feel satisfied each time. Many women say an orgasm isn’t necessary with each encounter. Ironically, it is more men than women who believe women have to orgasm every time or the experience isn’t productive. This simply isn’t true.

While couples must be careful to make sure the whole concept of sex doesn’t become one-sided (e.g., sex is just for him), it is perfectly acceptable for a single encounter to be one-sided. And even if it isn’t, a woman does not always need to orgasm to have a good experience. In most relationships, a man will orgasm every time, but a woman won’t. That is perfectly acceptable. As long as the woman is satisfied with the couple’s sex life, she has every right to opt out of an orgasm. Of course, if she desires to climax, her husband should do what is necessary to assist her.

Are You Having Enough Sex?

The question many couples ask regarding sex is, “Are we having enough?” It’s a common question, but it isn’t the best question. A better question would be, “How do we develop a deep sense of satisfaction with our sex life,” or, “How can we have more sex?” These two questions seek flourishing rather than minimums. They pursue a desired outcome rather than attempting to fulfill the bare minimum.

Yet to answer the common question, here is a simple test: Imagine you’ve scheduled sex. Maybe it’s a birthday, an anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or just an agreed-upon rendezvous. No matter the scenario, you both plan on having sex tonight. Because of that, the whole day is different. It’s filled with flirting. Moods are elevated. Communication is enhanced.

After work, the babysitter arrives. You choose a nice restaurant. The night goes perfectly. When you return home, the babysitter leaves, the kids are put to bed, and the time has arrived. But there’s an issue. Maybe you ate too much. Maybe the night went too late. Maybe what began as a scratchy throat has given way to a cold. Maybe work calls. Whatever the issue, what was supposed to be the highlight of the night doesn’t take place. What happens?

Disappointment and frustration are understandable. But is there trust? Compassion? Understanding? Or is there anger? Bitterness? Deep division? Extreme hurt or anger following this scenario can be a symptom of several issues, but the most obvious may be the frequency, or infrequency, of sex. The more satisfied a couple is with sexual frequency, the less influence one episode has on their feelings as a couple. If one disappointment causes an extreme response, the problem is something other than that event.

Consider it this way: The longer it’s been since your last meal, the more important your next meal will be. If you skipped breakfast this morning, you would probably be pretty frustrated if you had to work through lunch. Yet if you had a late breakfast and ate more than normal, you may not even be upset if your lunch meeting cancels.

If your spouse gets a headache tonight and doesn’t desire sex, will it be a minor frustration or a major fight? If it’s the former, you are probably having enough sex. If it’s the latter, you probably need to consider increasing the frequency.

There is something else to consider on this issue. Junk food is far more tempting when we are hungry. It’s much easier to make wise choices regarding food when our stomachs are satisfied. The same is true with sex. While an individual is responsible for their own decisions and adultery is clearly forbidden, a husband or wife can assist their spouse by making sure they are satisfied with their sex lives. To regularly starve our spouse and then send them out in a junk-food world is foolishness.

Your spouse was created to desire sex. It is an activity meant to be shared only between a husband and wife. If your spouse desires sex and you are the only appropriate sexual outlet they have, this should influence your perspective on frequency in sex. Knowing your spouse is going to face a lot of “junk food” tomorrow, what do you plan to cook for them tonight?

I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either

While frequency in sex is important and sex is a fair expectation within marriage, a spouse must be careful not to feel entitled to sex even when they are failing to live up to the other parts of marriage: friendship and partnership.

I was having lunch one day in a male-dominated restaurant. While I was trying to pay attention to the conversation at my table, I couldn’t help but overhear the people at the table next to us. One of the men was railing against his wife: “She never does this. She never does that. She’s always on me.”

Then he said, “I played golf yesterday and then stayed in the clubhouse to watch the game. When I got home at 10:30, my wife just huffed at me and went to bed.” He was complaining that they hadn’t had sex.

As I listened to the rant, one thought kept occurring: I wouldn’t sleep with you either. This man felt a great injustice. While there might be more to the story, based only on the information I heard, what gives him the right to expect sex? Yes, she is his wife, but what had he done as her husband? He spent the day playing golf with friends. He left her home alone. After his game, he didn’t go home, take her to dinner, find out how her day had gone. Instead, he stayed late, avoided home, and spent more time with his friends. When he finally did go home, he was late, she was hurt, and he couldn’t believe she didn’t want to have sex.

It was almost comical to hear. Imagine if the man had asked her out for their first date on a Friday night. He then ignored her all day Friday, skipped dinner with her so he could be with his friends, and at the very end of the evening showed up on her doorstep for a good-night kiss. Clearly it wouldn’t happen.

Instead, the man likely put serious time and thought into planning out the best evening possible, dressed up, picked her up, spent ample time with her, and over six months to a year, did everything in his power to woo her heart.

She had far more of a right to wonder why he stopped trying to woo her than he had a right to question why she wouldn’t sleep with him after the game.

In marriage, we often wrongly assume our spouse will continue doing the things we like even if we stop doing the things they like. It is a form of entitlement. Instead of seeing the marriage relationship as a give-and-take of mutual benefit, we begin to believe we are entitled to all the privileges of marriage even if we fail to carry out its responsibilities.

Imagine if every interaction you have with your spouse today was the first set of interactions you ever had with them. Would she give you her phone number? Would he call you? Based on how you acted today, would he ask you to marry him? Would she say yes?

One of the most foolish decisions a couple makes is the choice to stop pursuing their spouse with the intensity and purpose with which they began the relationship. Clearly life changes and we don’t have to do exactly what we did when we were dating, but the basic effort required on a first date is still required in the fifteenth year of marriage. We still must pursue one another.

I took the kids to play Putt-Putt once. As we played, there were three teenage couples also playing. It was funny to watch them. The boys were trying hard. They were laughing loudly, acting goofy, and doing everything in their power to impress their dates. At what point do men stop doing this? When do we no longer attempt to earn the attention of our woman? When does hope turn to entitlement? When does effort turn to expectation?

I’m sure this is not a one-way street. At what point do women stop trying? Every girl at the park was dressed nicely and was joking with her date, and for goodness’ sake, they were playing Putt-Putt. I seriously doubt that game was the main focus for those girls when the boys asked them out. Few things are more boy-centered than Putt-Putt. Yet there they were.

But where are you? Men, are you pursuing your wife? Are you working to get her attention, to impress her, to make her laugh, to love her, to support her, to be her man? Women, are you pursuing your husband? Are you laughing at his silliness, taking time out of your busyness to do something with him, working to get your husband’s look, attention, and affection?

We are foolish if we think we can hold strong affections for one another without any effort. Love must be kindled or it will die. We either work at it with great intention or we lose it in unconscious apathy. If you aren’t trying, you are dying.

When you think about sexual frequency in marriage, consider your attitude, your effort, and how hard you are working at pursuing your spouse’s heart. Then ask yourself, “Would I sleep with me?”

What I Tell College Students about Married Sex

On occasion I teach communications classes at a local university. It’s fun to be in a classroom with twenty-five twenty-year-olds who are being forced to take introduction to public speaking.

When teaching the importance of having an opening line that gains attention, I begin the class by saying, “Your parents are better at sex than you are.” The line serves a dual purpose: it shows them the power of a great opening line, and it helps make my main point more memorable. I want to remind my students that practice is important. It makes us better. This is true about communication and sex.

The average college student is sexually active and assumes sex is a young person’s activity. It’s not. Bad sex is a young person’s activity, but good sex often takes more time and practice than an average twenty-year-old is capable of. It might seem good to them, but it doesn’t compare to what they could experience as they mature.

While young adults have youthful bodies as their advantage, older adults have multiple advantages that can make sex more enjoyable.

Experience

In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell writes that it takes ten thousand hours to become an expert in a field.1 While it might not take that long for sex, it does take a good amount of practice to become skilled at it. The reason parents are better at sex than their college students is because of practice. What their students may have done a few times, the parents have done a thousand times. While it might sound boring to a college student, having sex with the same person is a far better way to gain mastery of sex than having it with other people.

Trust

Sex is meant for marriage. It is more satisfying in the boundaries of a committed relationship. When you trust your partner with your life, it is easier to trust them with your body, desires, and vulnerabilities. The issue of trust is one of the reasons sex is a great barometer for marital satisfaction. As trust fades, so does sex. A bad sex life is rarely the reason for a bad marriage, but it is often an easy symptom to identify in the process of diagnosing marital health. If your sex life isn’t good, how is your level of trust? Build the latter and the former will usually take care of itself.

Confidence

While age doesn’t ensure self-confidence, it can contribute to it. Women in particular often feel more comfortable with themselves as they age. As a woman learns to accept her weaknesses and appreciate her strengths, it can have multiple benefits in the bedroom. When a husband and wife gain confidence with one another, it can positively influence the sexual experience.

Opportunity

Married sex is better than non-married sex. If for no other reason, it’s better because of opportunity. Have a bad experience with someone who isn’t your spouse and you may not get another chance. Have a bad experience with your spouse and you should get another chance within a reasonable time. Married sex is bad on occasion, but you can accept it and make it better next time. One of the advantages of a long-lasting marriage is being able to put negative experiences in context. One bad experience does not mean every experience will be bad. If sex isn’t mind-blowing tonight, it’s okay because you will get a chance to do it again at another time. This takes the pressure off a married couple. You can relax without wondering how the other person is judging you.

Popular culture promotes the idea that young, unmarried sex is the best. That might be true in the movies, but it’s not true in real life. Sex is best in the midst of a long-lasting relationship with two people who know and trust one another and are committed to the pleasure and satisfaction of their partner.

College students don’t believe me, but they don’t know what they are doing. Married sex can be far better than they imagine.

Learning Together

Being lovers is a mysterious act. At one moment our relationship can feel as though it was forever meant to be and naturally flows with an ease that cannot be explained. At other moments we can feel like aliens to one another.

Friendship and partnership should make us better lovers. As friends, we are always by each other’s side. We want what is best for our spouse. We know how much we desire to be truly loved, so we give that love to our spouse. As partners, we learn to work with each other, understand each other’s strengths, compensate for each other’s weaknesses, and make the most out of every situation. It happens in business, parenting, running a household, and even sex.

Friendship gives us patience with one another. Partnership gives us the ability to learn and grow. When they are put together, we are better lovers because we patiently learn what our spouse needs and desires.

To become lifetime lovers, be willing to keep trying, failing, and trying again. Seasons change. What is important in one decade of life is not as important in another. The moment we stop intentionally growing toward one another, we will unintentionally begin to drift away from one another.

Desire for intimacy and sex can be the fuel that continually calls us to each other. When we commit to gain sexual satisfaction only from our spouse and reserve marriage for the ultimate place of intimacy, nature itself will continually drive us to one another.

BE INTENTIONAL

1. Of the three types of married sex—spontaneous, scheduled, and maintenance—which would you like more of in your relationship? Why?
2. Do you pursue your spouse and feel pursued by them? What makes you feel most desired?
3. If you could tell your spouse one thing about sex, what would it be?
4. How can you both grow to become better lovers?

  

1. Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers (New York: Little, Brown, 2008), 35.