Sir James Landish was getting considerably worried. It was five years since his wife Lady Cynthia fell off her horse while riding to hunt. Even with the skill of the local GP she never recovered from losing the fox and passed away a couple of days later.
But it was his son that he was most concerned about.
At thirty two Michael Landish showed no sign whatsoever of getting married, and Sir James’s most important need was that his son should carry on the family name. There were Landishes going back three or four centuries in the church graveyard on the hill, the line being unbroken for all that time.
Michael, however showed no interest whatsoever in taking on a wife. Life, as it presently was, suited him perfectly. In fact his complete lack of close family responsibilities complemented his life style admirably. His father had on more than one occasion taken the lad to task on the matter.
`Look lad, your not getting any younger, don’t you think that it was time you began to take over responsibility for running this place.’ Sir James waved am arm to indicate the whole of the grand estate.
To which Michael, who had heard it all before merely shrugged his lean shoulders, and grinned at his parent.
`Don’t you worry pop, there is plenty of time yet and the village cricket team, of which I happen to be captain, intend to win the Sunday League Trophy this year, and that will demand all my attention right to the end of the season and we have carried off the much cherished trophy, the Silver Grasshopper**.’ This would leave Sir James seething, the village team on several occasions had just failed to win Sunday League Trophy and it was one of his dreams each season that they would walk away with it, and with Michael in charge he felt that they had a walloping good chance.
Now Michael unlike his rather scrawny father was an athlete. Any sport anywhere and Michael would be there.
Handsome in a kind of rugged kind of manner, running the estate unfortunately did not bring Michael into close contact with many of the village lasses. Discussing this over breakfast one sunny morning his father had an idea.
`You might just find the girls will be knocking at our door in droves to make a husband out of you.
`I will advertise in the local press for a girl with wifely intentions, and who knows you might, you might just find one who would cherish this place.
`Your lovely Mother, God rest her soul, was able to manage the whole of the estate with only four female staff.’ his father added with a far-away look on his craggy face.
`OK, but please don’t advertise yet—I will put the word about. I shall however need some help in choosing who to take on.’ Responded Michael.
`No you won’t.’ His father his father said confidently.
Sir James told nobody as to what was to be the bait which would guarantee full attendance.
And so the mechanics of a splendid open day event began to be addressed.
When it came to listing the ladies, Michael was amazed at the sheer numbers of ladies who fell into the appropriate age group. I.e. not too old nor too young. But many of those of a suitable age were naturally already spoken for. Sir James’s plan was aimed at prizing these away from their current commitment.
There were quite a few on the list whom Michael had never met, but nevertheless fell into the net, and were thus regarded as prospects.
Michael suggested that the attendance level would be about twenty girls.
Sir James laughed at that and said that he would put money on the number being nearer to two HUNDRED. At which Michael got suspicious and started to make some enquiries. But Sir James had bribed those involved to keep their mouths shut. Michael tried and failed to find out how his father could guarantee such a huge number.
A date for the jamboree was set for October, just four weeks away and it was then that Sir James sprang his trap.
There it was all over the very front page of the local Gazette and two pages inside. Even the nationals had picked it up.
His father had stated that a sum of one hundred thousand pounds would be settled on the one who would present Michael with a child which would carry the family name. They would also inherit a fair portion of the estate, which included houses land and livestock.
The national paper had “FATHER ADVERTISES FOR A WIFE FOR SON” But the local sheet read “CASH BUYS WIFE FOR SON”
Needless to say Michael was horrified.
`What the hell do you imagine is going to happen?’ He asked trying to control his anger. His father had never seen Michael, normally very self controlled, so trembling with fury.
`Well it makes nonsense of my finding someone who wants me for myself. They will be queuing up at this party you have arranged. I might not attend it’s utterly pointless.’
Michael realised that if he settled with someone they could split the estate to the extent that it would no longer be viable. He refused to discuss the matter any further with his parent.
* * *
Sir James and his son avoided each other as much as possible as the date for the party drew near. Michael’s father saw to all the arrangements and an enormous marquee sprang up in the grounds together with a number of smaller ones. Food took the form of a huge buffet. But all the drink had to be paid for by the guests with the exception of just one drink per person. A ticket for this was handed out to each guest at the entrance and could be surrendered at one of the three bars for a single drink.
There were limits you see to Sir James’s generosity.
They came in droves, and there was no control over who could attend. There were local hopefuls, and random hopefuls from all over the country. There were sightseers, there were the much too old, and the much too young. There were those dressed to kill and those in jeans. And there was the press. They had all come to see what all the fuss was about—just what did this bloke whose father was trying to buy him a wife look like?
From Sir James’s point of view it was a success. Michael had listed three or four ladies which he liked well enough to see again, and his father had listed a few which he felt were suitable, a copy of which he gave to Michael.
Sir James was pleased that all day long, and it proved to be a very long day, there seemed to be a crowd of young ladies surrounding his son, and he actually appeared to be enjoying himself.
The thing was a great success, or was it?
* * *
It was only a short few days after the party that Michael had his first date—and it was with one of the party girls. Sir James was a little worried at his son’s choice—the lady seemed to be just a little too old to be starting a family, and he found out that she was a divorcee. He was even more worried when they were still spending time together two weeks later. But she came from a good family and she had wealth enough of her own not to be simply after the dosh.
The end was both quick and final, she was bored, she said.
But our lad was game for more and his next companion whom he took to the races and other sporting events was nicely young. Her drawback was that she was too adventurous. She risked hers and Michael’s life more than once in her tiny red sports job. She crashed it eventually and Michael said his goodbyes.
Next came a real surprise, TWINS. Michael was taking twin sisters out. It seemed that there was an excitement in not being able to tell which girl was which. But what would they do about the money let alone the estate.
Then Sir James held his breath, next girl Michael chose to be seen around with came from Africa and was black. But to Sir James’s surprise he found that she was well educated and worked in the diplomatic service in the capital where she was very well respected. But she found Michael hard going—after all he was no socialite, and he had not the slightest line in small talk.
Poor Sir James was by now beginning to despair all this trial and error was taking up valuable time. Each one in which Michael showed some interest took many months, and then ended in failure. And there were gaps in between the ladies added to the delays.
Soon even Michael would be too old or too set in his ways. And he himself had seen better days.
A key problem was that Michael was more interested in sporting activities than becoming a father and settling down to run the estate. The cricket team would always come before any of the ladies. And then there was his tennis.
Then a gang of three somewhat older and experienced female friends took Michael and a couple of other lads away on a holiday on the Red Sea. For them this turned out to be a big miss calculation. That part of the world is famous for its under water animal life living on superb coral reefs, and all three lads went snorkelling and deep sea exploring every single day. To be fair the ladies did try it once—and only once—it ruined their expensive hair dos.
Then a really scruffy girl turned up in reply to Sir James’s advert for an assistant to the gardener. He thought at first he was interviewing a young man, and was horrified when Michael asked her out one evening.
What the blazes was the lad thinking about, choosing a woman with no visible education whatsoever. But Michael had heard that she was also a local athlete and wanted to talk to her about his ambition to run a marathon. His father breathed a sigh of relief when he found out that the date was a one off.
There were several more—attracted by the money. And Michael duly responded but as to marriage the prospects fell away one by one.
As the women came and went, Michael’s interest and involvement in sporting activities grew from strength to strength and occupied considerably more of his valuable time.
Sir James felt that they were very much back at the beginning but with less time left.
Then out of the blue Michael met one who was not at the party, and until being told by a friend she did not know about the money offer.
This rather attractive lady played golf and got Michael membership of a local club. And Michael took to golf like a pro and was soon in line for the captain’s job. Sir James met and approved of this prospect. He knew the family well, they were old county, and he met and liked the lass. The next time they met, and it was not by accident, Sir James put in a good word or two on behalf of Michael. But as for Michael, it was only in a mixed game of golf that the word `partner’ applied. They enjoyed their game but this lady was not one to hang about and was very keen on an eager young blood who swung a mean driver, and was somewhat younger than Michael. But they got on well.
It was about now that Michael announced that he was going abroad for a while. He was off to America where he was to sample some of the famous American golf courses. He was planning to be away for some considerable time. And so a particularly anxious Sir James saw Michael off on the train to London. He was somewhat mollified when he learned that Michael was taking one of the prospective females with him. He was even more hopeful on learning the girl was his approved one. Michael’s planned ambition was for the two them to play at least one game on each of the world famous courses. It would take a long time—the best part of eighteen months in fact.
* * *
Then one morning a shock for Sir James. It took the physical shape of a letter from Michael who would normally contact him by phone—this must be serious. And it was.
Breakfast cleared away he opened the envelope and read—
“Dear Father,” it began, “I am sorry not to have written or phoned for some time, but I have been involved in a matter that is close to both our hearts. You will I know be very intrigued to learn that I have chosen a mate and we are now—effective from the first of this month—formally (and legally) joined.
“Sadly my other half is biologically unable to bear children so we have taken the step of adoption—so we now have a little boy. His name has been changed by deed-pole so he is officially and legally `James Michael Landish’.
“This is really very good news for we now have someone to carry on the family name, just as you wanted, and I have a son. I know I am biased, which father isn’t, but you will be entranced by our little one, who is now just one month old.
“We hope to be with you early next month but PLEASE we do NOT want any fuss so cancel those celebrations that you had in mind, neither one of us care for that sort of thing.
“I will write or phone with the details of our return in due time. Meanwhile keep well.
“With lots of love Michael.”
Sir James read the letter with very mixed feelings. He was glad that his son had at last given in and provided himself with a wife. Life at the hall would be more interesting with a woman about the place. He hoped that she was not the bossy type ordering the staff about—staff who had been at the hall for a considerable number of years and knew their jobs inside out. But it had never been the same after his wife had died.
And praise be—he had an heir. But he was sad that he had been excluded from Michael’s courtship and the adoption arrangements. He would get old Snell to go over the agreements to make sure that they were water-tight.
There was one staff change—nurses were interviewed and one was hired.
* * *
Now Old Snell knew all about the arrangements that had been undertaken in the US as his son was out there on business and had on occasion taken a hand in things on Michael’s behalf. But he was forbidden from discussing anything of this with Sir James, because, Michael had told him, it would cause his parent some unnecessary anxiety. He therefore observed this code of silence, and kept this information to himself.
But in spite of Michael’s request for no fuss on his return, Sir James was unable to prevent the staff from marking the occasion in some auspicious way and they had planned on having a banner of flowers to hang over the main door. And the couples bedroom would be spruced up and feminised. That is to say that the male items on the large dressing table were moved onto the smaller one and feminine items, newly purchased, substituted. A vase of flowers would replace the golf diary.
Just two months later Michael’s second letter arrived giving the date and time that they would arrive at the hall.
The staff were too professional to panic but there was a sudden air of increased purpose about the place. There was even a small amount of general dashing about.
It was clear that serious preparations were under way.
Then, almost to everyone’s surprise the day arrived. The finished banner read—
“Welcome home Mr and Mrs Michael Landish and Son”
It was hung over the main entrance, looked beautiful, and was duly much admired
Old Snell was invited as an old friend but had as yet not arrived. He would arrive with Michael planned for about midday.
The staff had all dug out their Sunday best uniforms and Sir James was advised that everything was ready, the champagne was on ice.
Fortunately in spite of recent almost continuous wet days the weather had relented and the sun shone from a clear blue sky.
Even though it was expected when the car arrived it seemed something of a surprise, but the real surprise was about to burst upon them.
The car drew up in front of the main entrance and the chief butler went and opened the front passenger door whilst the driver went round and opened the back door. Out of the car came Michael carrying a small bundle in a blanket. He was followed to everyone’s surprise—by young Snell our solicitor’s son.
Michael handed the bundle which was now making itself known by quite loud baby noises to the new nurse who smilingly carried it over to Sir James to see.
He then turned to young Snell, and taking him by the arm, purposely strode with him to his father.
`Dad,’ he said—
`I would like you to meet my partner Malcolm Landish, the little one now with the nurse is our adopted son, your grandson James Landish. Malcolm and I were the equivalent of married legally in the US a month ago.’
There was a shocked gasp from the assembled staff. Old Snell reached Sir James as he staggered back, and gently manoeuvred him round and into the hall. Sir James’s remarks are not on record.
Later Sir James tried to exploit any weaknesses in the arrangements but they were fool proof. As to the financial gift, Old Snell and young Malcolm had ensured that it was legally binding, and water tight.
The strain almost killed Sir James but he did eventually accept it—and then there was his grandson. This latter pair grew to love each other very much indeed, the youngster was a great compensation to Sir James in his dotage. But the old man never got used to his own son’s liaison. Although in time he did accept young Snell into the family.
* * *
** NOTE: The Sunday League Trophy was a fine sculpture a common grasshopper in silver, This was because the artist could not find a decent picture of a cricket (Sir James’s little joke) and chose its close relative—a grasshopper—as a model.
JML
24/9/2011