The success principles for teens : how to get from where you are to where you want to be

No matter who we are, where we are, or what we’re doing, we all have to deal with fear. Many people think that successful people have simply N learned how to shut off their fears. Not true. Fear is natural, and we all must deal with it.

Fear is really just our brain doing what it’s meant to do—telling us to be cautious of moving traffic while we’re crossing a busy street, alerting us that the driver ahead of us is swerving in and out of the lane, reminding us to be careful where we place our wallets or purses. Perfectly natural, and very helpful! Unfortunately, most people let their various fears (even fear of success) stop them from taking the necessary action to achieve their dreams.

Successful people, on the other hand, feel the fear (just as the rest of us do), but they don’t let the fear hold them back. They understand that fear is something to be acknowledged, experienced, and taken along for the ride. In other words, they feel the fear but do what’s required anyway.

Millions of years ago, fear was our body’s way of signaling us that we were out of our comfort zone. It alerted us of possible danger and gave us the burst of adrenaline we needed to run away. Today, however, we don’t need to outrun bloodthirsty saber-toothed tigers. In fact, many of the fears and threats we face today are not at all life-threatening.

Fear is not something to avoid; it is something we need to learn to live with. Some people will do anything to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of fear. The problem is that these same people run an even bigger risk of never getting F what they want in life. Most of the sweetest rewards in life require that we take a risk—and risks create fear of uncertainty. “What if things don’t work out?” At some stage, however, we must be willing to lean into it and take that first step.

Hollywood! The movie biz! Talk about risks! There are many stories of “guaranteed hits” that bombed and just as many stories of “long shots” that surprised not only the critics but even the producers. One such example involved Jeff Arch, who had written the screenplay for Sleepless in Seattle, a blockbuster movie starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. After writing this hit movie, Jeff decided that he not only wanted to write the next movie he worked on, but produce and direct it as well.

Although he had no background in producing or directing, he was willing to take the risk in order to gain a bigger reward. During an interview with Jeff, he said:

I am about to launch the biggest gamble of my life—writing and directing a two-million-dollar comedy, when I have never directed before, and using my own money plus raising other money to fund it. Really, it’s an all-or-nothing situation. And the thing that I’m experiencing right now, which I think is really important (and a lot of people who write about success leave out), is you’ve got to be willing to be terrified. But it’s not immobilizing. It’s a good terrified; it’s a terrified that keeps you on your toes.

I’ve learned that you have to believe in your dream because even if everyone is telling you you’re wrong, that still might not mean anything—you just might be right. You reach a point where you say, “This is it. I’m throwing everything into this. And it’s got to succeed. I’m throwing money, credibility—every single thing there is—into my new project. And it’s either going to be a homerun or a strikeout—not a single or a double.”

I know there is terror in doing this, but there’s also confidence. It isn’t going to kill me. It might make me broke, it might leave me in debt, it might make me lose my credibility, and it might make the journey back a whole lot harder. But, fortunately, I’m not in a business where they kill you if you goof up. I think one of the secrets to my success is that I’m willing to be terrified, and I think a lot of people are not willing to be scared to death. And that’s why they don’t achieve the big dream.

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. Remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.

Since we don’t have to outrun saber-toothed tigers anymore, almost all of our fears are now self-created. Basically, we scare ourselves by imagining negative S outcomes to any activity, project, or opportunity we face. Luckily, since we are the ones doing the imagining, we are also the ones who can stop the imagining—and, yes, stop the fear. We can do this by facing the actual facts (not the horrifying scenes in our heads). We can choose to be sensible and logical. We choose to look at fear this way:

Do you bring unrealistic or improbable fears into your life? Here is one way to find out: Make a list of things you are currently afraid to do— not things you are afraid of, such as snakes or heights, but things you’re afraid to do. For example, “I am afraid to ...”

Now go back and restate each fear on a separate piece of paper using the following format:

The phrase I scare myself by imagining helps you to understand that all fear is self-created by imagining a negative future outcome. In the new format, the “raise my hand” example above would be:

I want to raise my hand to participate in class, but I scare myself by imagining myself stuttering or picturing other students laughing at my question or idea.

By rephrasing your own fears, you will find that they are all self-created by simply misusing your own imagination. Our imagination is an incredibly powerful tool, and like all tools, it can be used positively or negatively. When our imagination gets carried away, it can work against us and really hold us back. The simple exercise on previous page shows us that many of our fears are not as bad as they seem. What you’ll discover is that your brain is just focusing on what we don’t want to happen. When we realize this, we can change our focus and find the courage to look our fears straight in the eyes and take a bold step forward.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

When we’re imagining something horrible happening, such as a plane crashing, our mind is using the power of images to heighten our emotions. W The more intense the negative mental pictures, the more fear we experience. But what if we could reverse the process by imagining something positive instead? Ah . . . now that has real power.

Scott, 16 (San Diego, CA): When I did the exercise in the last section, I wrote down my fear of speaking in front of my class. This was important for me because I had to give a speech for an upcoming project. When I wrote down my fear in the new format, I realized that I was imagining things that would probably never happen. Then I noticed as I was writing down my thoughts that I kept seeing the worst possible things happening—and whenever I saw these images, I could feel my gut knot up.

Instead, I pictured myself at the front of the room talking with ease as people were smiling, laughing (with me, of course), and listening to every word I said. At first, I noticed a little change in the way I felt, but by continually imagining myself doing well, the pictures in my mind became clearer and brighter. As this happened, I noticed that my gut didn’t knot up the way it used to.

When I finally had to give my speech, I was able to walk up to the front of the room without hesitation and speak. It felt like I had already given my speech. My fear didn’t completely disappear, but I was able to gain enough confidence to confront my fear and give my speech anyway. As a result, I did really well, and I felt better about myself for not bailing out.

Did you ever learn to dive off a diving board? If so, you might remember the first time you walked to the edge and looked down. Your first thought may have been, “Heck, no! I’m not jumping off that!”

The distance from your eyes to the waterline probably looked like a very long way down. A scary moment. You could have looked at your mom and dad or the diving instructor and then said, “You know, I’m just too afraid to do this right now. I think I’ll go get some therapy on this, and if I can get rid of my fear, I’ll come back and try again.”

No way! You didn’t say that. Instead, you felt the fear, somehow built up the courage from somewhere, and jumped into the water. You felt the fear, but you still took a bold step forward.

When you surfaced, you probably swam like crazy to the side of the pool and took a few well-earned deep breaths. You felt that little rush of adrenaline, the thrill of having survived a risk, plus the thrill of jumping through the air into the water. After a minute, you probably did it again—and then again and again. Somehow, it got to be fun. Pretty soon, all of the fear was gone, and you were trying crazy, new kinds of dives, cannonballs, and maybe even a back flip.

Remember that experience? How about the first time you drove a car? Or your first date? Use one of these positive experiences as a model that describes how everything happens in life. New experiences will already always feel a little scary. They’re supposed to. That’s the way it works. But every time you face your fear and break through it, you build up much more confidence in your abilities.

Recently, we spoke with Amanda, whose goal was to attend Stanford University. She was very driven, focused, and determined, but over the last year, Amanda told us that she had actually become very nervous and fearful. When we asked her a few questions, we discovered that she had a very negative “big picture.” The process of achieving her goal was overwhelming her. “What if I don’t make it? What if the school feels like I didn’t do enough to qualify? How could I live with myself?” she asked us.

Amanda described how nervous she felt before tests that would normally be simple for her and how she always stressed and worried about not performing to her ability. After we spoke, she realized that many of her fears were either unrealistic or out of her control. To rebuild her confidence, we talked about how to control a great deal of her fear by focusing on the things that she did have control over. We discussed the importance of concentrating on one thing at a time. When Amanda broke down her giant goal into a series of smaller action steps she could take each day, her fear became less paralyzing. As a result, she was able to relax more, perform better, and enjoy the process.

If a fear is so big that it paralyzes you, you can downsize the amount of fear by focusing on smaller, more controllable challenges. When you focus on one step or one mile-stone at a time, you will find that the fear is much more manageable. Sometimes the size of your goal or dream can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t need to be if you have a clear, realistic plan and focus on the next step, not on everything you must do to get there.

Progress always involves risk. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.

Joel, 17 (Charleston, SC): Last year, I moved to a new neighborhood that had a well-known tennis club. I decided that I wanted to play on this local club team, but I had played very litte tennis before. The other team members had been playing tennis for years and were much better than I was. At the start, it was awkward and sometimes embarrassing, but I still set my sights high.

I set a goal to compete in a regional tennis tournament, but every time I thought about it, I doubted my abilities and feared that I would get badly beaten and embarrass myself in front of hundreds of people. Instead of giving up on this goal, I decided to set some smaller goals that would help me accomplish my bigger objective. I focused on learning one skill at a time until I won my first game in practice. Then I competed in my first official competition. After that, I played my first tournament. My confidence began to grow, and my skills also improved.

Eventually, my goal of competing in the regional tennis tournament didn’t seem so overwhelming. When the tournament day arrived, I was ready to play. Even though I didn’t win this year, I felt good about how I played, and I know I will do even better next year.

It helps to shrink the fear in our own lives by shrinking the amount of risk we have to take to accomplish our goals. If you want to give a graduation speech, focus on giving a great speech in your own classroom first. If you want to learn a new sport, start at lower skill levels until you master them. Then take on a more-challenging skill. Shrink the risk to shrink the fear.

How can you shrink the risk and build up to accomplishing your more-challenging goals? Sometimes, additional smaller stepping stones are all we need to reach our biggest dreams. But be careful: Shrink your risks, not your dreams!

Kent: A few years ago, I saw a television commercial that read: “Show up; sign up; and speak out.” Hmmm, this was odd . . . I continued to watch. “A new TV show is holding auditions across the country looking for America’s next great inspirational speaker!”

“Wow,” I thought to myself. “This sounds interesting.” I had an eerie feeling come over me. In my gut, I felt that I had to audition. The person with me saw the curious look on my face and said, “You’re not thinking about doing that, are you? That’s not really you.”

My doubts introduced themselves. “Yeah, you’re right,” I agreed with him. “I couldn’t do that.” Heck, at the time I had only given about fifteen speeches in my life (if you could even call them speeches). Basically, I had zero experience—and now I thought I was going to try out for a TV show like American Idol, but instead of singing I would have to get on stage and deliver a speech! What was I thinking? At the time, public speaking was my number-one fear. There was no way I could do this. But then I remembered the quote, “Do the thing you fear most, and the death of fear is certain.” The same eerie feeling came over me. I just knew I had to audition. I really wanted to learn how to be a better speaker, and this was a perfect opportunity.

A friend drove with me to the audition. I signed up at 5: 00 PM, and by 10: 00 PM I still had not been called. My friend was getting frustrated. “This is ridiculous! Look at all these people. Do you really think you’re going to make it? Can’t we just go home?” I was definitely tempted. My fear over the last few hours had drained my energy, and part of me really wanted to leave.

I felt the fear (no wait, I was terrified), but I decided to go for it. Until the time I was called, I was still frantically writing my three-minute speech (which was required for the audition). I could barely hold my pen. “Next!” I heard a voice call out from the dark room in front of me. It was my turn. There was a huge camera in my face and a panel of five judges. “Well, let’s hear your three minutes of inspiration,” the head judge said. My heart was pounding. I opened my mouth, and the words started to come out. It was the longest three minutes of my life.

A week later, I received a call. “Kent, you’ve made the top twenty. Can you come back for the final round of auditions?” “Ummm . . . sure,” I managed to mumble to the person on the phone. During this round of auditions, things were even more intense, but I faced my fears and followed my passion.

At the end of a long day, the top-ten contestants were named. I was one of them—and, believe me, I was in shock. Who would have thought that I would be a participant on a nationwide TV show speaking in front of a live studio audience and millions of viewers who had tuned in to watch? I couldn’t believe it. I competed as the youngest contestant by almost ten years! I didn’t win the show, but I learned so much. My confidence grew, and the experience shaped who I am today. Now, I speak to audiences around the world—something that was only a dream three years ago. That experience showed me that we never really know what we’re capable of doing until we face our fears and hold tightly to our dreams.

To remain calm and happy, we have to realize that we cannot always control every outcome in our life. We must do everything we can to reach our goals, and then be able to let it go—not letting ourselves feel devastated if we don’t get the exact result we want, when we want it.

The truth is, sometimes the outcome we want doesn’t show up in the way we anticipate. That’s just life. But be ready to look for the lesson or the insight that life is trying to teach us. There may be a new or better opportunity that stems from the same goal.

Rob, 28 (Toronto, Canada): When people asked me what I wanted to be as I was growing up, I always said that I would play in the NHL. But simply talking about doing something is easy. What matters is that you actually do what’s necessary to make it happen. For me, this meant facing many of my fears. I felt uneasy playing in front of big audiences, I feared letting my teammates down, and I couldn’t stand getting rejected by the goalie, but with time and dedication I pushed through those fears. However, there was one thing I was definitely not prepared for.

While I was in college, things were looking bright. I was playing really well, and the top coaches in the league were impressed. I was then invited to try out for a professional team in the NHL. My dream was unfolding perfectly as planned. Going into the tryouts, I was a favored player. Each day I gave everything I could. I knew that I had a good chance of making the team. But on the second-to-last day of the tryouts, I injured my knee as an intense pain shot through my leg. I couldn’t believe it.

I was carried off the ice with my fingers crossed, hoping that I could finish the tryouts. Unfortunately, the damage was severe. I had torn three of my ligaments and suffered some nerve damage. I refused to believe it. After many X-rays and tests, the doctors said that I needed surgery. I was told that my knee would recover, but I would not have the strength and agility needed to play in the NHL. I was absolutely devastated. The thought that my dream was no longer possible was really tough to deal with.

Since I had to spend so much time with doctors and physical therapists, I asked many questions and learned a lot about muscle groups and how the physical body worked. Surprisingly, I developed a passion for it and dedicated the next few years to becoming an orthopedic surgeon.

Now I have my degree, and because of the relationships I made while I was playing ice hockey, I get to work with many professional athletes. Even though I didn’t become an NHL player, I still get to stay involved in the sport I love and work with some of the top athletes in the world. It’s a blessing every day to know that what I do helps other people reach their goals and dreams.

When you are afraid, do the thing you are afraid of and soon you will lose your fear of it.

Fear is something we all have to deal with—no matter who we are, where we’re from, or what our goals are. The good news is you’re not alone. Everybody F gets nervous or doubtful at times. However, the thing that separates an average person from an extraordinary person is how each responds to fear.

Our fear is a fantastic mentor, but it should not be the single force that determines the decisions we make. We must be able to take some risk in order to grow stronger, wiser, and more competent. Don’t let your fears choose your destiny.

Understand that many of my fears are not life-threatening. I may be building them up in my head by simply misusing my imagination.

Write down my fears and restate them using this new format: I want to _____________, but I scare myself by imagining __________.

Become aware of the mental images I create in my head when I feel fearful. I can reverse this process by visualizing positive images in bright, intense color and clarity.

Remember the times when I overcame my fears and approach current situations using the same techniques.

I will size down my fear by initially taking on smaller challenges and risks until I develop the confidence and skill necessary to tackle my bigger fears and pursue my larger dreams.

Even though I feel fear, I will still take a bold step toward my dreams and goals. I will not let my fear choose my destiny.