ROGER AILES’S NEW, ENLIGHTENED CODE OF SEXUAL CONDUCT

This just in:

Roger Ailes, the disgraced former chairman and CEO of Fox News, has completed a week at an intensive “Yes Means Yes” seminar on sexual conduct. The seminar, which Mr. Ailes attended on the advice of his attorneys, instructs participants on the new “affirmative consent” standards now mandated at many colleges and universities: Those initiating sexual activity must receive a clear verbal “Yes,” or a positive nonverbal equivalent, to engage in a sexual encounter, every step of the way.

Mr. Ailes reports that he is “a changed man” following the seminar, admitting that he is “just an old guy who didn’t know any better.” To prove his good faith, Mr. Ailes has written the following “code of conduct” for himself:

When a female employee, or potential employee, enters my office, and I greet her by locking the door and telling her to lift her skirt so that I may see her underpants, or to bend over so that I may “get a good look” at her buttocks, I will try to remember that her silence, or “I don’t think so,” may not be an attempt to get me to persuade her with flattering references to her smoking bod.

When I then propose that she have sex with me, and with my friends, in exchange for a job, promotion, or raise, using my signature phrase “If you want to play with the big boys, you have to lay with the big boys,” I will understand that a response such as “That’s illegal, and I’m going to report you,” while ambiguous, signifies that I should pursue another topic, like showing her the issue of Maxim that I keep on my office coffee table and telling her to take off all of her clothes, lie on my sofa, and strike the hot poses featured in the magazine.

If she declines, I will not interpret her response to mean “Sure, but let’s get hammered first.” I will proceed accordingly, to wit: chasing her about my office while shouting, “Come to Poppy!” Once I have cornered her, I will grab her breasts and fondle them.

I understand that a response such as punching me in my face, saying, “Get away from me, you revolting pig,” and/or fleeing my office fall short of a “Yes” to my overtures, however gracefully I have executed them.

If she flees my office and runs, say, into the ladies’ room, barricading the door with her body, I will respect the clear boundary she has set and wait patiently outside the ladies’ room until she believes that I have left the area. When she emerges, I will present my genitals, which I have taken out of my trousers, and demand that she kiss them.

If she declines, I will understand that she is “uptight” about performing this activity in an office setting. Accordingly, I will place my genitals back inside my trousers, zip up my fly, and invite her to join me for dinner and a blow job.

In the event that she fails to reply with a “Yes,” I will conclude that fine dining isn’t her “thing” and instead invite her to cruise around Manhattan with me on a private yacht while giving me blow jobs.

If I do not receive affirmative consent for this, my final offer, I will not employ punitive actions such as shunning her, docking her pay, transferring her to Tijuana, or ruining her professional reputation.

On the contrary, I will urge her to sue me. Win or lose, I will collect forty million dollars in severance, find a new job in no time, and set about advancing the careers of a whole new group of young women. It’s really what I’m best at.