The Five Stages of Postpartum Hair Loss

There are few things in life more traumatic than hopping into the shower to wash your hair, only to glance down and see that half of that amazing mane you sported during pregnancy has dislodged from your scalp and is now swirling down the drain, disappearing deep into the abyss.

If you’re in the throes of this fresh hell right now, you are not alone. The hair loss you’re experiencing is horrible, but, luckily, it isn’t permanent.

Behold: The Five Stages of Postpartum Hair Loss.

Stage One: Denial

You’ve recently given birth and some asshole makes an off-the-cuff remark to you along the lines of, “Has your hair started falling out yet?”

Hair? Falling . . . out? Pardon?

You start frantically googling “hair loss after birth,” and you’re thrilled to discover that, apparently, some women’s hair is not affected by fluctuating hormone levels. Victory! You convince yourself that you are one of those women. Your baby is already two months old, after all, and your mane remains intact. You actually believe that you’ve escaped the horror. You are wrong.

Stage Two: The Horror

One day, when your baby is anywhere from two to seven months old, you’ll be taking a shower, washing your hair for the first time in a long time, and as you’re rinsing out your conditioner, it will happen: Entire clumps of hair will just detach themselves from your head.

Your first thought will be OMG, the drain! So, you’ll try to catch the clumps as they swirl about the tub, scooping them up and plastering them onto the shower wall. As you look at the disgusting abstract hair-art you’ve created, you’ll suddenly realize that you are not the one percent. This is happening. Then you will cry. A lot.

Stage Three: Bald

Okay, bald may be a bit of an overstatement, but balding is pretty accurate. Goodbye, baby hairs. Goodbye, normal hairs that lived adjacent to baby hairs. Hello, receding hairline.

If you’re like us, you’ll start slicking your hair down in ways you never did before (with a toothbrush and hairspray), you’ll experiment with new styles (exceptionally messy top knot), and you’ll bitch to your partner, who will look you in the eye and tell you they honestly don’t see any difference in your hair whatsoever. And then you will cry some more.

Stage Four: Regrowth

Just as you begin to make peace with the baldness, you’ll look in the mirror one day and discover that those hairs that fell out last month are now being replaced by tiny new hairs. Regrowth!

On the one hand, you’re happy about it. On the other hand, you realize that the only thing more annoying than looking like you’re prematurely balding is looking like you’re wearing a spiky frizz-hairband.

Stage Five: Change

You’ll eventually come to terms with the fact that your hair isn’t the hair it once was. Likewise, you’re not the woman you once were. You’re new and improved, and you better believe you’re gonna make sure your hair is new and improved as well.

Off to the hairdresser you’ll go. If they know you well, they’ll be expecting you. Now is the time for fun. What’s it going to be? Blunt bangs? A bob? A “lob”? The world is your oyster.

No matter what happens in that chair, accept the following two truths: First, whether or not you’re loving what’s happening north of your neck right now, you just scored at least an hour or two of precious alone time at the salon; and second, it’s just hair.

You may not believe us right now, but one day this will all be over, and you’ll be the veteran mom telling your unsuspecting pregnant friend to enjoy that shit while it lasts.