Contents
Introduction: Sorry for What I Said When I Was a Childless Asshole
How to Produce a (Badass) Maternity Shoot
The Mythical Horny Pregnant Lady
That Hospital Bag Ain’t Gonna Pack Itself
The Rebel Mama’s Code of Conduct
Labour and Delivery: It Probably Won’t Go According to Plan (And That’s Fine)
Mama: The (Unintentionally) New and Improved You
Losing Your Postnatal Virginity
The Five Stages of Postpartum Hair Loss
The Most Surprising Thing About the Newborn Phase
What a Great-Grandma Wants You to Know About Infants
Maternal Mental Health Matters . . . A Lot
The Great (Ridiculous) Formula Debate
You’re Allowed to Say “This Sucks”
Ten People Your Baby Will Make You Hate
How to Get Five Goddamn Minutes to Yourself
Your Drunk Friend From College 2.0
Baby Talk (And the Art of Not Using It)
iChoose Sanity: A (Realistic) Guide to Screen Time
Avoiding the Over-Gifting Epidemic
How to Not Lose Your Shit on the Daily
Life With Two (The Early Days)
How to Pretend to Be a Functioning Adult When Company Drops in
A Letter to the (Furry) Siblings
Hot Tips for Not Raising an Asshole
Manners, Chores, and Responsibilities
Life With Two (The Other Side of Hell)
A Complete Guide to Temporary Child Abandonment
Ten Steps to Home-Alone Heaven
Emotional Labour: The Bane of Our Motherly Existence
A Responsibility Chart for a High-Functioning Household