How to Pretend to Be a Functioning Adult When Company Drops in

Having more than one kid, especially in the very early days, is messy AF. Nothing sends chills down a mom’s spine quite like the announcement that aunt so-and-so wants to come and meet the new baby. And “she’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”

Shit!

You look around and the house is in complete disarray. It’s like when you were in college and your parents used to “pop in” to say hi. They’d always call when they were only a few minutes away (just to make sure everyone was fully clothed). You’d spend the next ten minutes scrambling to ditch old pizza boxes while taking off last night’s makeup and trying desperately to get the cigarette smell out of the couch.

Now, instead of pizza boxes, there are balled-up dirty diapers. In place of last night’s makeup, there’s yesterday’s spit-up stain. Instead of spritzing down the smoky couch, you’re desperately trying to find a place to stash thirteen unsterilized bottles and enough Legos to build a small village.

The truth is, no matter how many babies we’ve popped out, we still only kinda have our shit together.

Here’s how to make it look like you’re a functioning adult when you’re faced with a dreaded drop-in:

• Hide all the toys. Scrape everything off the floor and shove it all in whatever box it fits in. Neutral-coloured fabric storage containers work wonders for this.
• Dust corners. Focus on giant piles of dirt rather than worrying about little specks of dust. Grab the duster or a rag and slide it around the perimeter of the room—that’s where the really offensive shit accumulates. If you don’t have time to haul the vacuum out, this shortcut will usually do the trick.
• Give the bathroom sink a quick wipe-down. When you’re done wiping that, use the same cloth to quickly scoop up any tufts of hair that are blowing around on the floor and around the toilet base. BAM! You now reside at the Four Seasons.
• Close all room doors except for the nursery’s. Tidy the nursery by placing all visible clothing into the hamper, stuffies into the crib, and anything else into the closet or dresser drawers. Luckily, the baby’s room is the only room in your house people will ever request to see. Show it to them, then politely encourage them to go back downstairs.
• Get everything off the kitchen counters. Pick up all the cups and dishes strewn about and put them in the sink (slightly less visible); then spray the countertops with something that smells nice and wipe that shit down till it shines.

Bonus Tips:

• If you’ve got some extra time before your guests arrive, grab a baby wipe and start surface cleaning! Dining-room table, toddler’s dirty face and hands, side tables, entertainment unit, dried milk on the wood floors, the stain on your pants, and even your own armpits—baby wipes are surprisingly versatile.
• When your guest arrives, pass off the baby and retreat to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee and throw some (possibly stale) cookies on a plate. Put the toddler in a high chair and give them one of the cookies to keep them quiet. Enjoy your coffee once it’s brewed, and if the cookies are, in fact, stale, just dip them in your cup of joe like cheap biscotti. Bask in your newfound domestic goddess status.

Extra Bonus Tip:

• Always have a spray bottle of water and vinegar locked and loaded. You can literally use it to clean everything (floors, glass, countertops, stainless steel, high chairs, upholstery, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.). It’s cheap, it’s easy to make, and it’s non-toxic (because you know your toddler licks the floors when you’re not looking—maybe even if you are looking).