Your Drunk Friend From College 2.0

There’s something that parents of young children rarely like to admit, much less discuss, and it’s the fact that toddlers are fucking crazy.

Being the mom of a toddler means dealing with an unpredictable, spatially unaware, politically incorrect little human day in and day out.

Nobody ever fully warned us about just how insane this phase would be. Sure, they mentioned that “they’re a handful” and told us to “wait till the terrible twos,” but that’s all abstract bullshit. What we really needed to help prepare us for life avec toddler was an easy comparison we could relate to. It’s too late for us now, since we’re already residents of Toddlerville, but we finally came up with the perfect analogy that we hope will help you understand what’s coming your way.

Remember that really drunk friend you had in college? The one you somehow developed a soft spot for? The one who incessantly begged you to go to McDonald’s with him after the party? The one you always ended up taking home with you because you thought he would definitely manage to kill himself at some point between the front door and his bed?

Well, that friend is back. Except this time, he’s only two feet tall. Yep, your toddler is just a tiny drunk person, and it’s your job to keep him fed, watered, and rested. Bonus points if you can manage to get him to not act like a wild animal in public.

When he gets belligerent and starts demanding that he eat something immediately, the nearest fast-food joint won’t cut it. Instead, you’ll have to carefully prepare a fully organic meal for him, and if he doesn’t like what you’ve made, he’s going to nonchalantly throw that shit on the floor, right in front of you.

God help you if you need to leave the house with him in tow. Prepare yourself for the biggest production of your life. It won’t matter how many times you tell him he’s putting his boots on the wrong feet; he’ll just pretend he can’t hear you.

If/when you do make it out of the house, you’d better watch him like a fucking hawk. His lack of balance means he’ll be knocking over displays left, right, and centre. He’ll incessantly beg you to buy him a bag of Goldfish crackers and insist on opening a juice box while you’re still roaming the aisles. Don’t be surprised if he tries to steal a chocolate bar in the checkout line; this dude cannot be trusted.

He’ll laugh at the most inappropriate times, randomly refuse to wear pants, and if he decides to go to the washroom, there will be pee on the floor for you to clean up afterwards.

Once he’s done destroying your powder room, he’ll come out ready to chat, and you better believe he’s going to tell you the same damn story over and over and over again until it’s finally time to try to coerce him into going to bed. Here’s how that’s going to go down: Step 1: Catch him, hold him down, and force him to brush his teeth. Step 2: Try to get him into his pyjamas as he thrashes all over the place and somehow turns his limbs into Jell-O, making the whole process impossible. Step 3: Ignore all his talk of “not being tired”—it’s a hoax. Once he gets upstairs, he likely won’t even be able to get both feet up on the bed before passing out completely.

Once he’s been sleeping for a few hours and you finally decide to break out the “good” wine and cuddle up with your partner, he’ll reveal himself to be the worst third wheel of all time. Like clockwork, the minute you get cozy on the couch, you’ll hear, “I’m thirsty! Water!! Juice!! Thiiiiirrrrsstttyyyy!!!” and up you’ll go to make sure he’s hydrated, to remind him that it’s “night-night time,” and to tell him to not bug you again until morning (haha).

Good luck!