We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but just because you survived the “terrible twos” does not put you in the clear. In fact, you’re on the cusp of a whole new and (believe it or not) scarier phase of toddlerhood.
Defiance. Rebellion. Incessant whining. Taunting. Scheming. Little white lies. Random acts of violence. Dramatic outbursts. Mood swings. And our personal favourite: selective hearing.
Meet “the threenager.”
When did they become so smart? When did they become so emotionally unstable? WHEN THE HELL DID THEY LEARN TO ROLL THEIR DAMN EYES? These little tyrants have no right to be cranky assholes after a two-hour nap, while being served an array of fruit and choosing a Netflix show. We’re running a five-star hotel over here.
Here are some things that have recently come out of the mouths of our threenagers:
What can you do when you’re stuck on the emotional roller coaster that is the threenager (besides drowning in some kind of digestif and smoking your medicine dry)? Try to remember that it will end one day, and although you’ll be relieved when they’ve eased up on driving you insane, you’ll ironically miss it, too (at least that’s what we tell ourselves, so we don’t constantly fly off the handle and end up with even more forehead wrinkles).
Additional Notes and Survival Tactics
Encourage your threenager to navigate all the crazy feels they’re feeling, and teach them some coping mechanisms like basic breathing exercises. Sometimes when you’re mad, taking a big, deep inhale followed by a really long exhale can make a huge difference. It will also buy you some silence.
Help them identify their feelings and understand their emotions a bit better. Say things like “I bet when that kid didn’t want to play with you, it really made you feel sad, and maybe even a little embarrassed.” Follow it up with “It’s okay to feel that way. People feel that way all the time, including Mama! Now, go find a different game to play.”
Next time shit starts going south, ask them to go sit on the stairs until they are ready to use their words to calmly tell you what’s wrong. This reframes a time out in a way that allows you both to get the fuck away from each other for long enough to collect your thoughts and not make a bad situation worse.
If your kid is having an epic meltdown because you served their popcorn the wrong way, coolly explain (while trying really hard to not mock) how ridiculous that is, and move the hell on. Don’t let them rope you into a twenty-minute whine fest about fucking popcorn. Walk away, sister, walk away.
Make the decision to not take anything your threenager says or does personally and take every encounter with a grain of salt. Also, feel free to laugh about the whole situation (not in front of them, of course), because if you can’t see the humour in your kid acting like a total jackass or saying things that are blatantly inappropriate, you’re not going to survive this gig.