Objective:
To keep everyone happy and fucking quiet.
Skills:
Diplomacy. All of the diplomacy.
Fluency in multiple languages, including “safari lion” and “ninja alien.”
Level 10 multitasking and on-the-fly problem solving.
Hardcore efficiency.
High tolerance for excruciating screams; prolonged, torture-inducing whine sessions; and small-toy injuries.
Infinite patience.
Expertise in strategic organization and delegation.
Laser-beam eyes that reach fifty metres and can be felt by the target even when they’re turned away.
Special Talents:
Able to locate good wine (and/or sativa strain) in a hurry.
Able to answer 150 unrelated questions about life in under a minute. Able to organize grocery list by store layout.
Able to prepare Master Chef meals when half the ingredients are missing.
Able to expertly time food delivery to arrive at the front door after school.
Qualifications:
Can produce profound words of wisdom at the drop of a hat.
Can mimic a multitude of TV character voices.
Can kiss all the boo-boos away.
Can roll a tight joint under pressure.
Has a dry sense of humour and hard eye roll.
Work Experience:
Hiding in a corner of the house after the kids have gone to bed and creating a badass business plan that will change the world while doing YouTube pilates and folding laundry and going upstairs to check on the food once in a while and considering the state of the world and how it will affect our children—in addition to four years of expert-level Lego City project management.
Volunteer Experience:
Dispensing personal time like goddamn PEZ.
Honours and Awards:
Cheerios necklaces.
Beads and marbles.
Stolen garden flowers.
Random sticks.
Hugs and kisses.
Butt slaps.
If interested, call me.
(But only between the hours of 9:00 and 11:00 p.m.)