When you finally make it out of the house for some strange new version of a night of good old-fashioned debauchery, you’ll most likely have an incredible time. What follows, though, may be the worst twenty-four hours of your adult life.
Because we’ve made this rookie mistake ourselves, we’re giving you some tips on how to survive “the day after” in the hopes that the next time you become over ambitious in the party department, you organize yourself well enough to save your soul from the hell that is Hungover Parenting.
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Your baby will definitely wake earlier than usual and probably choose that morning to start teething. This is your punishment for trying to have your cake and eat it, too. Do not feel guilty about tossing your usual morning routine out the window and succumbing to the immediate powers of Baby Advil. Pop one back yourself.
Make some strong coffee. You will feel more nauseous than most hungover ladies, and that’s because it’s still dark out and you’re trying to not puke while mushing up bananas. If you need to vomit, vomit. It won’t be the last time your kid sees you do it, and it just makes you more relatable.
During playtime, you will experience severe spins and wonder if your body will actually give up on you before 10:00 a.m. The play-mat is your best friend, and you most certainly need to lie horizontally across it. Give baby an activity, wrap your arms around their waist, and take a three-minute nap.
When you wake up, make more strong coffee. You will be dehydrated and likely unable to stomach a single thing. This is actually great, because now you only need to prepare food for one human being today. Try to choke down a Baby Mum-Mum if you’re feeling bold, and chase it with baby’s organic apple juice. The sugar will recharge you for the rest of your shift, and it doubles as “hydration.”
The hours, minutes, and seconds will pass by as slowly as physically possible. Now is the time to embrace the screen and let the ol’ TV be a hero. A few cartoons will not hurt anyone, and this grants you yet another opportunity for a mini nap—except this one can be as long as thirty minutes. Amen.
Your baby will choose this day of all days to take a much shorter nap. The one to two hours they’ve been clocking all week will be a distant memory when a twenty-minute nap brings you face to face with the brutal reality of Mom Life. Do not attempt to get anything productive done during nap-time today, as there’s no way of knowing how long you have. Every moment counts. Lie down.
Consider making more coffee, but drink water instead. Extra points for sparkling water, which can help your tummy feel less like a trash can.
When your babe is hungry again, don’t get ahead of yourself and try to prepare a gourmet feast. Today is a day of basics. Toast, plain yogourt, fruit. The less prep time, and the less scent these foods exude, the better.
Attempt to go outside. Now’s not the time to get your cute-mom look on; just muster the cleanest slick-back look you can manage, throw on your biggest and blackest shades, and head out for a lengthy stroll in a low-key area. Bonus: If your baby falls asleep in the stroller, park that bitch (the stroller, of course, not the baby) by a picnic table and tend to your migraine.
While you’re out of the house, we should mention that store-bought muffins and croissants are totally considered a suitable meal for you and your whole family today. If you still feel like death, find a hipster cafe and order an espressino. You’re welcome.
You may be tempted to put your baby down for bed earlier today . . . may the force be with you. This brilliant idea may or may not reap rewards, so attempt at your own risk and expect to deal with an obscene level of volume. We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but the safer bet may just be a little more TV time, darlin’.
If you’ve somehow managed to make it to the evening hours alive, we urge you to skip your regular bedtime routine as well. Does the baby reallllly need a bath? Their feet barely touch the ground half the time. Use some wipes and call it a day. Baths require way too much participation on your part right now.
After the child is in bed and you can finally take a proper human shower, really take a moment to acknowledge the consequences of a night out and make some commitments for the next time you unleash the party girl within. Here are our three hottest tips to help you avoid the fresh hell that is hungover parenting in the future:
1. Don’t mix drinks. Choose your poison wisely, and stick with it. The cleaner, the better: Clear liquor on the rocks with lime is ideal. Sodas, juices, brown liquors, and bubbles all equal a beautiful shade of green in the a.m.
2. Set a hard time cap. Houdini the hell out of whatever event you’ve chosen to attend when that time comes. Do not, we repeat, do not tell anyone of your plans to exit. When the opportunity presents itself, walk out and don’t make eye contact with a single soul. Your text from the cab will read: “I went out for a smoke and felt sick . . . sorry babe xx.”
3. Plan your nights out strategically. Sleepovers and pre-arranged day-after caretakers are your Get Out of Jail Free cards in these scenarios. Use them wisely.
Whatever you do, keep those party pants handy, girl. Those tables aren’t gonna dance on themselves.
courtesy of Aleksandra Jassem.