Hey, Pops!
Congrats on the whole dad thing. Glad to have you on the team. If you’ve opened this book hoping to get some insight into the Secret Lives of Moms, welcome. Feel free to stay a while (at your own risk, of course).
Since you’re here, there are a few things we need you to know about your new life.
The first few months on the job will likely be tough for you. You’ll probably feel pretty useless at times, and you’ll be unbelievably exhausted. We feel you, dude. But as you wade through the haze of the newborn days, remember that your lady is, at all times, at least 200 percent more exhausted than you are.
Her body is in overdrive. She’s hyper-aware of your baby’s every noise and movement. Her vagina feels like it’s just gotten into a violent street-fight (or she’s recovering from massive abdominal surgery—either way, ouch), and her hormones are making her feel insane 24/7.
While this time in your life is undoubtedly scary and stressful, you need to realize that the brunt of this parenting gig is falling squarely on your lady’s shoulders right now. If she’s making it look easy, it’s because she’s a goddamn hero. It is not easy. She’s busting her exhausted ass off to make sure she’s doing right by your baby, so go tell her she’s awesome (right now). She is awesome, and she deserves to hear it.
With all that being said, we really are rooting for you to kill it in your new dad role, so here are a few insider tips to keep you out of the doghouse for the next little while. Don’t say we never do anything nice for you.
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Don’t Play Dumb
Early parenthood is a classic case of the blind leading the blind. Please do not excuse yourself from any activity pertaining to the baby (like changing shitty diapers or going to settle the baby at 3:00 a.m.) by citing the fact that your lady is “just so much better at it than me.” Don’t be that guy. You’re better than that guy.
Control Your Loins
It’s really hard to wait a whole six weeks (or more) for the recovery process to end. We get that. We also get that, despite how your lady may feel about her postpartum bod, you probably still find her irresistible (bless you). But the truth is, this time really isn’t about you. It’s about her and her recovery. Right now, her body needs time to heal, and if she’s not ready, then fall in line, my friend. One day she will be ready, and trust us when we tell you that it will be worth the wait. In the meantime, follow her lead. When it’s go time, you’ll be the first to know.
Practise Saying “Yes, Dear”
Early parenthood is not the time to argue about the trivial details of everyday life. There’s too much crazy shit happening, and everyone is beyond tired. This simple phrase, passed down through generations of men the world over, will literally save your ass.
Ask How You Can Help
If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, not knowing what to do to make postpartum life a little easier for your lady, just ask. Chances are, there are a million things you can do to help. Shit always needs to be sterilized, the house could always use vacuuming, and your baby-mama would probably give her left arm for thirty minutes alone in a hot shower. So hop to it! This is the kind of karma you want on your side.
Be Patient
This one isn’t easy. Babies are really cute and sweet and snuggly, but several times a day, every day, they make you question your very existence. If you happen to be at home during “the witching hours” (yes, they have a name), stay calm. This is a great time to start practising extreme patience. Let the baby cry for a minute while you figure out what they need. Your girl spends all day, every day, troubleshooting, and it’s exhausting. If you can be a beacon of peace and calm during the times when everyone is about to lose their shit, you’re going to come out looking like the goddamn Dalai Lama.
Namaste and best of luck, Rebel Papa. You got this.