Mom Insomnia Debunked

The following happens to about 99 percent of new moms: One day, you wake up at 7:00 a.m. and realize that your baby has slept through the night. You think this must be a fluke, but then they do it again on the second night, and then every night after that for a week. You finally allow yourself to accept the sweet truth: OMG, my baby is sleeping like a regular human.

Your first thought is that you’ve finally made it to the other side. After months of getting no sleep yourself, you’re about to get back on track and sleep through the night again, just like your sweet babe.

That night, you put junior to sleep and settle into your own bed, ready to get the rest you deserve, only to be up until the wee hours of the morning over-thinking improbable scenarios, scrolling through social-media accounts in Australia, and researching insomnia while silently sobbing inside.

Whyyyyyyy!! you think. Why can’t I fall asleep?? Why must I be punished when I am so desperately in need of rest?! And why is my partner snoring like an asshole?!

We know, babe. We’ve all been there, and it sucks. It sucks almost as much as the people who tell you to “nap when the baby naps.”

If you’re suffering from mom-insomnia, you’ve probably tried all the classic remedies: sleepy herbal teas, all-natural sleep sprays, melatonin, magnesium, calcium, Tylenol PM, NyQuil, Benadryl, yoga, meditation, books, baths, less screen time, more red wine, weed, sex (side note: that only works for men), and so on and so forth.

Here are some Rebel-approved tips to get some much-needed Zs:

• Keep the screen of the baby monitor off and the sound on low. When your kid wails, you’ll hear it, and if they squeak, you won’t even notice. Voilà.
• Take any thoughts that keep you up and redirect them to something else. Try mentally planning your over-the-top birthday party instead. What are you going to wear? What’s the theme? Who will you invite? *Cue drowsiness*
• Set a hard bedtime for yourself and honour it. Choose a reasonable hour, and when the clock strikes, stop everything you’re doing and get your ass to bed. No excuses.
• Lower your overall caffeine intake. Attempt the impossible and have one (yes, one) coffee a day, preferably before noon so the caffeine has time to escape your body by bedtime. If you want to be a total badass, have hot water with lemon and cayenne in the morning for a massive boost to your energy (and metabolism—yay).
• Don’t exercise an hour or two before bed as it can keep you wired. (If you want to be a total keener, don’t exercise at all.)
• Turn off all screens at least an hour before bed. As much as your thumbs may be twitching to check Instagram one last time, it’s worth the FOMO to get some rest. Leave your laptop and phone charging in another room, and keep some good books on your bedside table.
• Create a bedtime routine for yourself and treat it just as seriously as your baby’s. This will take some commitment, because most days you’ll be too damn lazy to follow through. You have to remind yourself how valuable sleep is. Example: Drink some decaf tea (or warm milk with honey) and read for half an hour. Hell, throw in a bath if that’s your thing.
• Look into the magical powers of turmeric. In powder form, in capsule form, or prepared as a tea, this natural ingredient has been said to greatly improve sleep for those with insomnia and sleep disorders. Google it.
• Try acupuncture and Chinese medicine (a.k.a. herbal teas). Most people assume that these practices have more to do with physical pain relief, but they also help to regulate your system from within. This duo has been known to tackle menstrual pain, fertility problems, stress, and anxiety. Google that one, too.
• Borrow your baby’s noise machine. Many people swear by being lulled gently to sleep by a steady stream of spring water (or good old-fashioned white noise), as it naturally helps you to wind down and stops your mind from wandering.
• Switch the monitor to your partner’s side and put them in charge of standing guard at night. This way, you can rest easy knowing that, if the baby cries, someone else will hear it.
• Speaking of partners, if yours is snoring up a storm, get them the hell out. You’ll be surprised how well a private sleep sanctuary can work. If you happen to have a guest room, bingo, my friend. Use it.
• Keep your room temperature slightly on the cool side. There is a direct relationship between body temperature and sleep. If your room is too hot, it may make you restless.

With that, we bid you a good night. May you dream of John Stamos.