A touch is worth a thousand words any day.
ROBIN DUNBAR
ANTHROPOLOGIST
THE LARGEST ORGAN OF OUR body is the skin. Its protective layers guard our muscles, bones, internal organs, and ligaments, while its active function results in the most fundamental of our five senses: touch. There is perhaps no more poignant, more visceral means of establishing connection than by way of this sense. It is the most primal, after all; the one developed first in the womb. We’re hardwired to enjoy the neurochemical rewards for the positive touch we share with others—holding our children, embracing a friend, or caressing our partner. It’s the primal way.
Social grooming, in fact, is utilitarian among many species. For one, not all animals can completely clean themselves alone. But more important, it reinforces social structure and interpersonal relationships. Wolf packs sleep nuzzled close together, and not just for warmth. Kangaroo kids hang out in that famous pouch. And apes will spend hours grooming each other. How about our pets? Dogs will nuzzle and lick their masters, and cats will head butt you and curl up in your lap and meow until you relent and offer your hand. It’s almost like touch is a requirement of animals; they crave and need it. And so do we, though we may not always let on.
In traditional societies, however, touch plays a much more extensive role in interpersonal communication. This really hits home when I travel for business, and I’m away from my family and close friends. It’s during these times that I realize just how ubiquitous our self-made, imaginary personal bubbles have become. We all walk around with them. As the world becomes more and more crowded, we’re somehow able to maneuver through it without so much as touching a single person unless we’re crammed into a train or city street. And still, even in those situations, people are loathe to make contact with one another—even ocular—and we manage to avoid most of it.
Take the phrase “touchy feely,” for example. What imagery does it conjure? Its literal definition is “marked by or emphasizing physical closeness and emotional openness,” but the phrase is commonly delivered as an epithet. Men disinclined to hug their fathers, their kids, or their male friends; young men and women unable to separate honest affection from sexual attention; children who spend their formative years touching the cold, hard plastic of an Xbox controller or remote control without developing nary a scrape, bruise, or welt from physical contact with peers; entire families that text, chat, or email to communicate, even when living under the same roof, this is the legacy of our apparently social disfavor—even revulsion in some cases—for physical closeness.
It starts with infants, of course. Many babies, upon being born, are instantly whisked away for checkups, tests, and to “let the mother rest.” It seems odd that in that most crucial of windows, where the mother-child post-womb relationship is in its infancy, many kids don’t even get to see their mothers. Instead, they’re in some room with some stranger performing odd things on them.
As mentioned, the first sense infants develop in the womb is touch, and when they’re born, touch is the most pre-attuned sense, whereas the senses of sight and taste take months to develop fully. A just-born infant needs to feel the warmth of his or her mother, and she in turn needs the baby’s. Newborns need to indulge the only viable sense available at the moment. Being placed on mom’s chest right after birth, the newborn’s temperature regulates with her body heat. The baby’s heart rate and oxygen intake stabilizes. The skin-to-skin contact triggers a powerful cascade of chemical responses that includes foremost oxytocin, a neuropeptide associated with trust and bonding.
Oxytocin is a primary factor in our evolution as a social species. It brings us—and keeps us—together in long-term pair bonds. It motivates us to care for our offspring through lengthy (and trying) childhoods. An emotional as well as evolutionary force, oxytocin is a potent neurohormone that has the power to shift—or even build—our individual capacity for and disposition toward social interpretation. The more oxytocin we have running through us, the more connected, trusting, and cared for we generally feel.
“Skin-to-skin contact triggers a powerful cascade of chemical responses that includes foremost oxytocin, a neuropeptide associated with trust and bonding.”
Newborns who have abundant contact with their caregivers, particularly the mother, each day tend to be calmer and less fussy. They tend to sleep better and fall into a regulated schedule more easily than those who receive less touch. They gain weight and grow more. On the other hand, babies who experience touch deprivation show markedly suppressed levels of growth hormone, oxytocin and vasopressin (another bonding-related hormone), and higher levels of cortisol (the primary neurochemical associated with stress). Such was the case with the children found living in institutionalized Romanian orphanages a few decades ago following the fall of communism.1 The impact of early touch deprivation distorted their hormonal profile years after they’d been adopted into caring homes.
Just as the mother of a newborn feels the surge of oxytocin that will encourage her to bond with her child and nurture him, we garner the same feel-good hormonal benefits when we hug a dear friend. A caring touch offers a boost of oxytocin that can lower our stress hormone levels as well as blood pressure.2 Research shows it can even act as a buffer for the stressful experiences we face. One study suggests even thinking about touch from our partners, for example, is enough to raise oxytocin levels and calm us.3
Because touch helps regulate cortisol and can induce the body’s relaxation response, it also results in a heightened immune function. Massage recipients in studies also show a reduction in the inflammatory cytokines that are often seen in autoimmune disorders.4 Furthermore, they exhibit approximately a 30 percent increase in serotonin and dopamine levels (although basic touch appears to raise serotonin and dopamine levels as well).5 Moreover, supportive and therapeutic massage can dampen the perception of pain associated with everything from childbirth to cancer to fibromyalgia.
In its immense and confounding subtlety, touch helps us read the cues of both our physical environments and our social relationships. Whether it’s carrying your baby in a sling, enjoying skin-to-skin contact with your lover, high-fiving your teammates, or hugging a friend you encounter on the street, touch spans the scope of human social identity and interaction. It’s a silent but potent language with the power to comfort, heal, provoke, or even persuade us. Touch is a well to be filled—each and every day. Look for chances to expand your experience of touch. Let your guard down and get creative. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
Hug the people you love (and see) the most. With our busy schedules, we can pass by our partners with barely anything but a quick kiss on the way out the door. Reclaim cuddling with your little ones. Pile in the bed close and cozy for storytime. Use a sling or co-sleep safely with babies. As much as he grimaces, hug your grumpy teenager. (He needs and wants his parents’ loving touch despite his claims to the contrary.) And don’t forget your partner. Trade the quick goodbye peck for a real hug, a passing touch on the shoulder for holding hands, or offer a back rub out of the blue.
Make hugs your default greeting. Some of us come from touchy-feely families and incorporate the same pattern into our friendships. We hug and kiss one another whether it’s been nine months or nine hours since we saw each other last. Others among us need to learn the habit. Our inclination to touch one another, of course, is culturally influenced. (Lucky are the citizens of European cultures, who frequently greet both genders with a kiss to each cheek.) Consider it an investment in your relationships and wellbeing to offer hugs, hand holding, and other supportive touch to friends and extended family. Especially for older, less socially connected relatives, your touch may be the only contact they experience in a day—or a week. Honor their humanity as well as your own by giving them an extended and earnest embrace.
Pet animals. They don’t call them pets for nothing. Your golden retriever or calico experiences a boost in bonding, and so will you when you take the chance to pet them and show you care. Countless studies demonstrate the calming affect of petting animals—a slower heart rate, lower blood pressure, moderated cortisol. Let’s face it: there’s no emotional baggage or ambiguity with animals as there can be with people. There’s nothing but loyalty and appreciation when you offer your pet some loving strokes or a hug. If you don’t have a pet of your own, offer to “animal-sit” for a neighbor’s pet or volunteer at an animal shelter where they often need people to play with and walk animals.
Use subtle touch in passing interactions. Resolve to use subtle (and appropriate) touch with more casual acquaintances or even strangers in your day. Lightly touch a person’s arm as you excuse yourself to the bus seat behind them or a coworker’s elbow as you greet them while passing through the office. Notice how these subtle gestures bring about smiles and improve the dynamics of communication. But don’t force it. Take advantage only of natural opportunities for touch, and pay attention to cues of receptiveness from others.
Don’t forget about sex. Full skin-on-skin contact is the perfect scenario for boosting your oxytocin among other feel-great endorphins. Sex supports your bond with your partner neurochemically. Add to this the apparent immune benefits. In one study, subjects who had sex once or twice a week showed 30 percent more IgA.6 Animal research even suggests sex increases cell proliferation in the brain’s hippocampus.7
Get a massage. Research shows a professional massage boosts immune response. It truly is an art that’s well worth the investment whenever you can swing it.8