Imagine a class of high school seniors on a field trip to Paris. Their teacher, Madam Fontaine, has a list of the landmarks she wants her students to visit; however, they have only one day in the city to see them all. To help motivate them, she sets up a competition, a kind of scavenger hunt. She divides her class randomly—or so she thinks—into four teams and announces that whichever team returns to the hotel by sundown having witnessed all the landmarks on the list will have that night’s curfew extended by two hours. Bidding them adieu, she sets them loose.
Team #1 decides that they should have a solid plan in place, so they order coffee and scones at a café and huddle over the list. There is much discussion over the best sequence.Should they begin with the closest attraction or get the farthest one out of the way? When lunchtime rolls around, they’re still debating. Every time a plan is made, it is second-guessed and discarded. When the café closes, they realize the day is half gone, and in desperation they pool their funds for an Uber. After much high-speed maneuvering through traffic, they manage to check off only three attractions before getting stuck in rush hour. They wind up watching the sun set behind the Arc de Triomphe, miles away from their hotel and the prize.
This team is made up of Perfectionists. When perfectionists are 100 percent confident that they know exactly how they’re going to accomplish a task successfully, they have no trouble getting started. But if there’s any chance that they aren’t prepared or might make a mistake, perfectionists will delay. Only when the deadline is so near that time will not allow perfection will the perfectionist do the task. For the perfectionist, the only thing that will override the fear of getting it wrong is the fear of not getting it done at all.
Jordan
Jordan is a high school sophomore and a classic perfectionist. (Like all the characters in this book, Jordan is not an actual person, but rather a composite of teens I’ve seen in my practice.) He’s driven and gets good grades, but boy does he suffer. Ever since middle school, when he started to think more about his future, Jordan began to worry more about his grades. In Jordan’s mind, if he doesn’t get into a good college, he won’t be successful in life.
Jordan will do research and draft outlines for a paper but then agonize about how to get started. He’ll obsess over whether he picked the right topic, whether he did enough research, and how he will be graded. He often doesn’t get around to writing the first sentence until the night before the paper is due. Often he’s unable to finish in time and will beg his mother to write an excuse so he can skip school the next day.
The worry and stress Jordan creates for himself takes a toll. He feels guilty about not starting sooner and when he sees his classmates’ progress, he feels panic rise within him. Staying up all night to complete projects that he has put off makes him tired and irritable the next day. Worst of all, his procrastination is hurting his grades.
If you suggested to Jordan that he was a perfectionist, he’d laugh. No way, he’d say. I’m always messing up! If I were perfect, I wouldn’t be procrastinating!
But being a perfectionist doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means you believe you should be. Jordan believes that he should know what he’s going to say, say it clearly, and not struggle with the concepts. If he does find himself struggling, he thinks something must be wrong, and he needs to stop and figure it out so that he can correct it. As long as he remains uncertain, he puts the task off.
Working with these restrictions, Jordan is always hedging his bets, embracing only the activities and projects he can excel at. Instead of feeling motivated by his passion for excellence, he’s limited by his fear of failure. Although he wants to succeed and be happy in life, what drives him is fear of being “less than.” If Jordan loses his position at the top of his class, he’ll feel like a failure. What would others think of him if he didn’t get into a top college? He could lose the respect of his parents, his teachers, even his friends!
The core value of the perfectionist is excellence.
You don’t need to be aiming for an exclusive college to be a perfectionist. Needing to excel at anything—sports, music, fashion, business, even popularity—to feel respected qualifies. If you procrastinate because you worry about making mistakes, you’re a perfectionist.
Making decisions can be a constant problem for the perfectionist, who always believes there is only one correct choice. Whether you’re buying a pair of shoes or deciding on a college, you always need more time. When you can’t be sure you’re right, you’re paralyzed, unable to commit to any choice at all. To others, this can look like laziness or lack of motivation, but the perfectionist isn’t lazy. You’re working overtime, agonizing over making the correct choice.
Even low-stakes situations can be a challenge when perfectionists apply their high standards to them. You may only need to write a thank-you note, but if you think the note must sound flawlessly sincere, you can be immobilized and wind up writing nothing at all. And of course, the hurt feelings at the other end would be exactly the opposite of what you were after.
The perfectionist may also hesitate at initiating social interactions, like inviting people to do things. When you believe you always need to sound smart, interesting, and funny, and never be rejected, you’ll put off reaching out to others. You may want to have more friends, yet you choose to stay home alone.
As a perfectionist who takes up a hobby, like playing a musical instrument or a sport, you may put off practicing it. Learning new things involves making mistakes, which the perfectionist cannot tolerate. Although you love the guitar, and you may even have loads of natural talent, you eventually give it up. Your need to be excellent keeps you from developing the excellence you seek.
While the perfectionist has the highest standard—excellence—your need to meet that standard makes meeting it impossible. Tasks that you aren’t sure you can do perfectly must be avoided. You would risk being discovered as “less than” or “not good enough,” and losing the respect of others. That’s a risk the perfectionist is unable to take.
Are you a perfectionist? Here are ten statements for you to test on yourself. If you identify with five or more of them, perfectionism contributes to your procrastination. You can download the Am I a Perfectionist? quiz at http://www.newharbinger.com/35876. Later in the book, you’ll find other quizzes and worksheets that can be downloaded; at the back of the book, you’ll find information on how to access these downloadable materials.
I often procrastinate on tasks where others may judge my performance.
If a task is more difficult or frustrating than I expected, I often give up.
I often put challenging tasks off until I am clearheaded and confident I can do a good job.
I worry that others will lose respect for me or think I am incompetent if I make a mistake or am not the best at something.
I get upset when I make a mistake.
I don’t like to start something if I don’t feel certain I can do it well.
If someone does something better than I do, it makes me feel inferior.
When I procrastinate, I feel guilty and tell myself I should get started.
I tend to get behind in my work because it takes me a long time to get things done right.
I criticize my own work so much that I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything.
The perfectionist’s valuation of excellence can inspire you to the heights of achievement. On the other hand, your need to be excellent can be your greatest impediment to success. Fear of failing or being judged not good enough will not only get in the way of getting started but also keep you from being creative and taking risks, leaving you further away from “excellent” than ever. This is the dilemma of the perfectionist.
Chapter 2
