Chapter 4

The Pleaser

Back in Paris again, our story continues …

Team #3 wastes no time getting started. Madam Fontaine is so enthusiastic about the hunt, and they want to make her happy. By noon they have checked off half the landmarks and are having loads of fun. Then they arrive at the famous neighborhood of Montmartre, where a street artist approaches one of them and offers to sketch a portrait. Not wanting to disappoint the artist, the student agrees. Another street vendor, peddling necklaces, calls out to the group, and because they all have difficulty saying “Non, merci,” they feel obliged to look. Between the artists, the vendors, and the street mimes who grimace and shed invisible tears whenever the group tries to leave, they linger well into the afternoon. Only when the sun begins to disappear behind the tallest trees and buildings do they dash off in what will be a fruitless effort to complete the rest of the list.

This team represents a type of procrastinator that I call the Pleaser. Pleasers are so unwilling to risk making others unhappy—yes, sometimes even strangers—that they postpone their own needs to please them. Those who put their social connections above doing the tasks they themselves need to get done qualify as pleasers.

Athena

Athena is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Her family refers to her, only half in jest, as “the good daughter.” Athena has always found it easy to make friends; she has a boyfriend she’s been dating since her freshman year and several girlfriends she’s known since grade school. While those long-term relationships have given her a lot of pleasure and security, maintaining them sometimes comes at a cost.

A good example of this was the weekend of her family’s mountain retreat, something Athena had been looking forward to for several months. They planned to get up early, make the four-hour drive, then hike an amazing trail before checking into their rented cabin. Athena bought a new camera just for the trip. She was planning on reading the manual, packing her clothes, and getting to bed early Friday night. She was extra excited that her parents had promised to let her drive for part of the trip.

But when Athena’s boyfriend called on Friday morning announcing that he had two tickets to see his favorite local band that evening, she couldn’t bear to disappoint him. He’s so excited, she thought. I can pack and get ready this afternoon instead.

Athena was just starting to pack when she got a text that stopped her short. Her girlfriends were on their way to the mall, and they insisted she join them. Athena didn’t want to go to the mall any more than she wanted to go to the concert, but she knew how her girlfriends could be if she refused—not mean exactly, just a little sharp and resentful. So she went to the mall with them before meeting her boyfriend.

Athena wound up packing at one in the morning, and she was too sleepy to drive the next day. Because she hadn’t had time to review how her new camera worked, she didn’t take any photos. Although she maintained an outwardly cheerful manner—she didn’t want to disappoint her family—it wasn’t a happy time for Athena.

Athena isn’t so different from the rest of us. We all need to belong to family, friend, and social groups. But how badly do you need others to like you? When you sense that people may be displeased by something you do, do you feel anxious that they will be so upset that they may not like you anymore, or that you could be rejected or abandoned? When you feel this way, any activity or task where there is a risk of displeasing someone will feel threatening. You’ll want to put it off if possible.

For example, if your sister asks to borrow something you don’t want to lend, you’ll avoid giving her an answer she doesn’t want to hear. You’ll also doubt yourself, wondering whether you’re just being selfish. You believe that you cannot tell someone no unless you’re certain you’re 100 percent justified. Balancing others’ needs with your own makes you doubtful and confused.

If you haven’t called a friend in a long time, you may be hesitant to call even though you care about that person. Because you let so much time go by, you’re now afraid your friend will be mad at you. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to reach out.

While the pleaser has opinions and preferences, you hesitate to express them when there’s a chance that others may disagree with you. When planning things with friends, you get so overwhelmed thinking of what others will want to do that you don’t know what you want. You feel responsible for other people’s happiness and if they’re disappointed, you’ll be at fault. So you usually wait until others decide where to go, where to eat, or what movie to see.

When the pleaser has something that needs to get done, like studying, or getting your chores done, or looking for a job, you may put it off because you’re too busy doing things for other people. If you sit down to study and a friend wants to text, you’ll put off your studying rather than letting your friend down. This is standard behavior when you believe other people’s needs are more important than your own. You often end up making elaborate excuses for why you didn’t get something done, or lying about having done something you haven’t, and later feeling terribly guilty about it.

The core value of the pleaser is social connection.

The pleaser, whose core value is social connection, can only do what you are certain everyone will approve of. When others need or want your attention, your personal tasks are put aside for later. Focusing on your own agenda could disappoint them and threaten your connection. Other actions that we don’t think of as tasks, like disagreeing with someone, telling an uncomfortable truth, or standing up for ourselves, can displease others too, and are put off as long as possible.

Not sure if you’re a pleaser? Read the following ten statements. If five or more feel true, you are definitely a pleaser, which contributes a lot to procrastination.

You can download the Am I a Pleaser? quiz at http://www.newharbinger.com/35876.

Nobody has a greater potential for deep friendship and intimacy than the pleaser, who values social connection above all else and is willing to work for it. But when your priority is making others happy, you aren’t revealing your authentic self. Without authenticity, you continually miss out on the deep and honest connections you desire.