Chapter 8
Owning the Task
In my first session with Athena, she said her biggest problem was completing her college applications. It was early December of her senior year, and she was running out of time. Her parents had worked together with her the previous spring, helping Athena narrow her list to five schools, and most of her friends had sent their applications in already. Her boyfriend had the same first choice as she did, and he was impatient for Athena to get hers in the mail. “I know I should apply, but I can’t make myself do it,” Athena told me. “I’m so ashamed!”
Many of us have been taught that by shaming ourselves and willing ourselves into correct behavior, we can master our to-do lists and broader obligations. If you rely on getting things done this way, you know that any success you enjoy will be short-lived. There is always another task waiting for your attention, requiring more shaming and willpower to push you through. Even if Athena were able to whip herself into applying for college, was she prepared to keep whipping herself forward for the next four years? Athena needed to have a solid motivation to move forward, and I wondered what that motivation could be.
”Why do you want to apply for college?” I asked.
If you are shaming and pushing yourself to get things done, any success you enjoy will be short-lived.
Athena stared at me blankly. There was a long pause. “To make everyone happy,” she said, and started to cry.
When Athena recovered enough to continue, the mystery of her procrastination unraveled. Athena had made some new friends at her summer job. Many of them were working and traveling instead of heading straight to college, an idea that excited her. Athena had no firm career plan yet, and she couldn’t picture herself taking college classes that she wasn’t sure she was interested in. Nor could she imagine continuing her commitment to her boyfriend after high school. A gap year seemed like a perfect way to meet new people and get new ideas about what she wanted to do with her life.
Athena’s procrastination problem wasn’t with applying for college. What she was putting off was telling her parents and her boyfriend that she wasn’t ready for it. Like all pleasers, she didn’t want to disappoint anyone, and if she took ownership of the true task at hand—announcing her desire for a gap year—she was bound to disappoint.
As children, we are dependent on our parents for everything—food, shelter, and emotional support. We unconsciously adopt their values, trusting their guidance about what is good for us. As we grow, our dependency shifts to teachers and peers, until, as young adults, we take more control and responsibility for our own lives. As a teen, you’re developing your own sense of what is important to you. You’re harnessing your own unique motivations, preparing to take ownership of your life.
I asked Athena whether she wanted to take a closer look at her real procrastination problem: telling her parents and her boyfriend that she wanted to take a gap year after graduation. She said she did.
I suggested that Athena do a simple exercise designed to illuminate what advantages or disadvantages there were to putting off telling everyone her plans. It’s called the Procrastination Pros and Cons List. I pulled up the whiteboard and drew a line down the middle. “Let’s start with the pros,” I said, handing her the marker. “What are the benefits to not telling everyone your gap-year plan?” Athena took the marker and began to write.
| Pros to Procrastinating |
|---|
|
I don’t have to feel the anxiety of telling them. I don’t have to feel their disappointment or anger at me. I don’t have to deal with what others might think about my plan. |
Athena’s reasons for putting off telling her parents and her boyfriend what she wanted to do all shared a common theme: feeling anxious about disappointing them. To a pleaser like Athena, this was no small matter. When social connection is your core value, any task that threatens your connections will be avoided for as long as possible. We’d discovered the heart of the conflict that had kept Athena paralyzed for months.
I wondered whether there were any advantages for Athena to tell everyone her plans, despite the probability they’d be upset with her. To find out, I asked her to list the disadvantages of putting off the task. Here’s what she wrote:
| Cons to Procrastinating |
|---|
|
Unless I tell them what I want to do, they’ll keep bugging me about filling out the applications. The longer I wait to tell them, the more upset with me they’ll be when they find out. I’m not standing up for what I want. I’m not being honest with them. |
On this side of the whiteboard, one example stood out. Athena valued honest relationships. Without honesty, her connection with her parents and her boyfriend wouldn’t be worth much. This is the kind of motivation the pleaser needs to tap into to challenge procrastination. “When I think about not telling them as lying to them,” Athena said, “I know I have to tell them.”
Athena’s procrastination pros and cons list revealed not only her problem but also its solution. When you can see clearly what is at stake, both for and against, your reasons to embrace a difficult task also become clearer. Athena was ready to take responsibility for what she needed to do, not for anyone else, but for herself. She was ready to own the task.
Before you attempt to use any tool in this book, be aware that unless the cons of procrastinating outweigh the pros, you are not likely to have sufficient motivation to move forward with it. And without a strong personal incentive to own the task, any efforts will likely fall short. Finding yours is the first step.
Let’s look at how the issue of task ownership played out for Tyler, the rebel. Tyler hadn’t done well on a history test because he had put off studying for it. But then his teacher offered him an opportunity to get extra credit to offset his poor grade, by writing an essay on the American president he most admired. This assignment did not inspire Tyler. Doing it, he said, would feel like jumping through hoops for the teacher.
It sounded like Tyler was experiencing the normal rebel response to an uninspiring school assignment. I guessed that Tyler might benefit from looking at the pros and cons.
“Help me understand this,” I said. “Will you write down all the good reasons you have for not doing the essay?”
Tyler liked this idea. It didn’t take him long to list three great reasons to disown the task. When I asked him to list the cons to procrastinating, he had to think a little harder. But he came up with three good reasons why he shouldn’t delay. When he finished, looking at the pros and cons side by side, Tyler had a new insight.
| TASK |
Writing extra-credit essay |
|
|---|---|---|
| Pros to Procrastinating | Cons to Procrastinating | |
|
I don’t have to do something I don’t want to do. I’ll have more time to do things that I think are important. I won’t give the teacher the impression that I would jump through hoops for him to get a better grade. |
I may end up with a bad grade in history. Getting a lower GPA could decrease my chances to get into college. I may regret not doing something that is not that hard to do. |
|
One factor outweighed all the others. Writing the essay, even a mediocre one, would help his GPA and help his chances of getting into college. Tyler wanted to get out of his parents’ house, hopefully even out of the state.
Tyler recognized that refusing to do the extra credit would hurt his progress toward his own goal. Now the assignment looked less like busywork and more like part of Tyler’s master plan. He was ready to own the task.
Exercise: Procrastination Pros and Cons List
Is there a task you aren’t sure you want to own? A helpful tool to help you decide is a Procrastination Pros and Cons List.
- Think of a task that you have been putting off.
- List all the advantages of procrastinating, for example, not having to do what is difficult or boring, not having to face possible failure, or not having to give in to others.
- Next, list all the disadvantages of putting the task off, for example, feeling guilty, not being able to fully enjoy what you are doing while putting it off, not having time to do a good job on it, having to listen to people nag you about not doing it.
Once you have all the pros and cons listed, you can decide whether this task is something you want to own or not.
You can download a Procrastination Pros and Cons List at http://www.newharbinger.com/35876.
Remember that a pros and cons list is not a math exercise. You don’t simply add up the reasons on each side and compare to find the winner. What you are giving yourself a chance to do by defining the pros and cons is to reveal (1) why you are avoiding it; and (2) what, if anything, would motivate you to embrace it. Both these questions will almost always center on the core value(s) of your type(s). The pleaser’s need for connection, the rebel’s need for independence, the warrior’s need for full engagement, and the perfectionist’s need for excellence are always at play when we put off doing what we need to do.
The beautiful thing about the core values that are hanging you up is that recognizing and claiming them is the key to finding the motivation you need to stop procrastinating. When Tyler recognized that the independence he craved could be furthered by writing an essay, he was ready to do it. Writing the essay became, in a sense, an act of rebellion against the forces that were keeping Tyler at home, under the thumb of his parents and teachers. Tyler had unleashed the rebel’s hidden power, the drive for independence. His fear of “jumping through hoops” was not going to stop him now.
Similarly, nothing empowers the pleaser like deepening social connection. When Athena reminded herself that being honest with others is necessary for her to have authentic relationships, she found the motivation she needed to make her gap year come true. It wouldn’t be easy, and feelings would get hurt, but Athena would be following the path her own heart dictated, not that of her parents and her boyfriend. If she couldn’t do that, her connection with them would be neither authentic nor deep.
What about the other types? Can the warrior own a task, even when it bores you? Yes, if completion of the task will bring you closer to a new level of engagement that you are aiming for. The skydiver’s motivation to check all the seams and cords, then carefully fold and pack her parachute, doesn’t spring from any inherent passion for the task itself, but from the promise of the full engagement that correct execution of the task will make possible.
Can the perfectionist own a task you aren’t sure you can do well? Yes, when you recognize that uncertainty and risk are necessary for excellent outcomes to happen. The value of any accomplishment is proportional to the risk involved, whether it is the risk of making mistakes, failing, or being embarrassed in front of others. When the pros and cons are laid out in front of you, the prospect of excellence will become more clear and the choice more evident.
I understand that as a modern teen you are assaulted with dozens of tasks coming from every direction every day. If you don’t have the time for a pros and cons list, or the situation does not allow, take this shortcut. When you are presented with a task you don’t want to do, ask yourself whether your core value would be better realized if it were completed. It can be a quick source of motivation.
For example, every time Tyler is assigned a paper, given a chore, or simply asked to do something as a favor, he asks, Will completion of this task bring me more independence than putting it off? Regardless of who originally assigned the task, if the answer is yes, Tyler is ready to own the task.
Whatever your type, you can often find instant motivation for even the smallest task by asking yourself how it aligns with your core value. The perfectionist can ask, Which will bring me greater potential for excellence: attempting this task or putting it off? The warrior can ask, Will this boring task open up possibilities for more engaging opportunities, or fewer? The pleaser can ask, Will doing this, or not doing this, lead me to a deeper connection with others?
Task ownership, as I’ve described it here, is a mental exercise for reimagining a task, moving it from the category of “something I should get done” to “something I want to get done.” This distinction highlights the crucial incentive you need to move ahead. Without it, any effort you make will be powered only by a sense of obligation and duty, hardly the sort of fuel you want to rely on for the challenging tasks that life holds for you. When you harness your core values—excellence, full engagement, connection, or independence—you’ll be ready to get things done!
Owning the task is the first crucial step to disrupting the cycle of procrastination. The second step, however, is just as important. In the next chapter, I’ll show you how to counteract the task-avoidant thoughts and root beliefs that may threaten to undermine you every step of the way.