Chapter 9
Letting New Beliefs Take Root
As you may recall, in chapter 6, Jordan was struggling with his English essay on The Sound and Fury. During one of our sessions, we did the Procrastination Pros and Cons exercise together. Jordan decided that putting the essay off would not serve him in any significant way, whereas starting on it right away would allow him more time to do it well, helping him get a better grade and perhaps even improve his GPA. Having a GPA that would help him get into a great college was what Jordan was all about; after all, his core value was excellence. “I totally want to own this essay,” he told me. “That’s the easy part. But when I think about doing it, I feel unconvinced that I can do it without screwing it up.”
The Perfectionist
Like all perfectionist procrastinators, Jordan had a root belief that was hanging him up. It triggered both feelings that the task was a threat and task-avoidant thoughts that gave him reasons for putting the task off. Jordan’s belief—I must not make a mistake—meant that he’d have to write a perfect essay, without mistakes, that was better than the others in his class. Because that wasn’t likely, writing the essay challenged Jordan’s core value of excellence. Holding on to this root belief, Jordan was bound to put the essay off no matter how much he wanted to own it.
In chapter 6 we visualized root beliefs supporting branches of task-avoidant thoughts. What if Jordan could visualize a different tree for himself? I got out the whiteboard and near the bottom, I wrote, I am willing to make mistakes.
“What if you believed this?” I asked.
Jordan shook his head. “I’ve spent my entire life avoiding them,” he said. “If my core value is excellence, why would I want to make mistakes?”
Is it true that those who achieve excellence don’t make mistakes? Are perfectionists always perfect? Watching a ballerina perform, you might be tempted to think so. But had you attended any of her rehearsals, you would have witnessed the countless missteps and stumbles, lurches that should have been leaps, and yes, even the hard falls she endured to gain any outward appearance of perfection.
The same holds true for other figures of excellence—artists, musicians, inventors, scientists, and entrepreneurs. Not only do high achievers make mistakes, but also there is considerable evidence that they are more willing to make mistakes than underachievers. This is because doing things wrong is a great way—sometimes the only way—to learn how to do things right.
As successful people in all walks of life have shown us, to achieve anything worthwhile we must be willing to take risks. When you don’t acknowledge failure as an option, you can only allow yourself to do tasks that you already know you can do well. How much more will you accomplish when you replace your I must not make mistakes belief with I am willing to make mistakes?
Jordan was intrigued. We spent the rest of the session sketching out a new thought tree, one with a willingness to make mistakes at the root. I’ve re-created it here, with refinements that make it universally useful for all perfectionist procrastinators.
The Warrior
Let’s examine the root belief of the warrior: I must feel motivated. While it’s true that the warrior thrives on excitement and competition, and performs best in situations that require full engagement of body and mind, is there any path in life that has a constant supply of such situations?
Emily loved rock climbing because it required all her strength and attention. When she was on a rock wall, she was in the zone, focused and strong without a care in the world. Yet preparing for a climb was a real challenge. Her friends would usually be outside honking the horn while she scrambled to collect her gear, and when they arrived she usually had to borrow some crucial piece of equipment she had forgotten to pack. Preparation for a climb wasn’t fully engaging to Emily, so she put it off until there wasn’t time to prepare properly. As a result, she had to borrow gear constantly, her performance suffered, and she wasn’t being invited to more challenging outings with the advanced climbers.
The most exciting vocations in life require both regular preparation and reflection. A skydiver scrutinizes and packs his or her parachute carefully. The police officer may wait for hours to nab a suspect and then must write a report. The quarterback studies the playbook before the game and watches the film afterward. And as every soldier will tell you, it’s 99 percent waiting for the 1 percent engagement.
To advance from one fully engaging situation—where your motivation is something you can feel—to the next is the warrior’s greatest challenge. Can the warrior bridge the chasm of boredom?
Just as a mountain climber makes a camp each night in the quest to conquer a challenging peak, the warrior must attend to the less exhilarating tasks that support the greater goal. What would happen if you decided that, when completion of the task will get you closer to your goal, you can act without feeling motivation? Can you focus on the mountaintop to make it up the hill? Are you willing to give up distractions to get where you want to go?
Here is a new thought tree for the warrior who is willing to act without necessarily feeling motivated. Imagine the things you can get done with a root belief like this.
The Pleaser
What if your root belief is I must not displease others? While it’s true that disappointing your friends, family, or teachers could threaten your connection with them, ask yourself how deep a social connection is if, to maintain it, you cannot be authentic.
This was the price Athena was paying when, to accommodate others, she continually put off activities and tasks she genuinely wanted to do. When she went to the concert with her boyfriend instead of staying home to pack, read her camera manual, and get a good night’s sleep, she was not only denying her own needs, but she was also hiding how much her new camera and her mountain retreat with her family meant to her. How could her boyfriend see Athena for who she is when she was pretending to be somebody else?
This authenticity problem followed Athena everywhere throughout her day. Expressing an unpopular opinion or making a decision that affected others were things to avoid. What if she was perceived as selfish or just plain wrong?
Whether she was helping a friend with homework instead of doing her own, skipping her guitar practice to drive her brother to his soccer practice, or going to parties to please her friends instead of relaxing by herself, Athena was not being honest, either with herself or with others. Sometimes she felt angry and alone even in the middle of a friendly crowd. As hard as she was working to stay connected, Athena wasn’t getting the deep connection she craved.
Can you trust that your relationships will survive if you put others’ needs on hold and take care of the tasks you need to do?
If you’re a pleaser, you’ll recognize this irony in your own life. Despite your best and most heroic efforts, inevitably you feel deprived of the intimacy you value most. What would happen if you believed that it is more important to find your own happiness than to keep everyone else happy? Can you trust that your relationships will survive if you put others’ needs on hold and take care of the tasks you need to do?
Here is an illustration of a thought tree Athena and I designed to help her execute the tasks she decided to own. If you’re a pleaser, you’ll recognize the difference from the tree in chapter 6 right away. It all starts at the root belief I am willing to displease others.
The Rebel
Last, we have the rebel, whose underlying belief is I must not give in to others. When you accept an assigned task that you don’t think is fair or necessary, are you surrendering your independence? Tyler believed he was. He believed it so strongly that he put off tasks he knew he’d need to do to get what he wanted. Going to college and getting out of his parents’ house, for example, would require graduating with decent grades, something he couldn’t do if he put off required classes he thought were unnecessary and postponed doing assignments he thought were stupid until it was too late to do a good job on them.
If completion of a task is necessary for you to meet your personal goals, and you put the task off for fear of surrendering to others, what you may be surrendering is your future independence. Tasks that are not to your liking are like hurdles for a runner. You need to jump over them to win the race!
Just because you are assigned a task, or don’t agree with it, does not mean you are giving up your independence.
Does this mean the rebel must say yes to every task, order, request, or ultimatum? Certainly not. But if your default answer is no to whatever is asked of you, try reviewing the pros and cons. What if completion of the task will serve your interests? Just because you’re assigned a task, or don’t agree with it, doesn’t mean you won’t benefit from getting it done.
Once Tyler decided to own the task of writing that extra-credit essay on the American president he most admired, he needed to adopt a new root belief about tasks. What if he replaced giving in to others with cooperating with others? Compromise and cooperation are helpful skills for every goal, including personal independence and integrity. Ask the master chef who started out busing tables, or the Supreme Court justice who began as a law clerk. For Tyler, and for all rebels, a better rule to operate by is “If the task will serve my long-term interests, I am willing to cooperate with others.”
Here’s a thought tree with the rebel’s new and improved underlying belief at the root. How much progress toward your goals could you make if you adopted it?
Remember that planting a new root belief will not automatically uproot the old one. Just as a tree must receive water and sunshine, your new belief must be nurtured at every opportunity. By nurturing I mean for you to practice holding the new belief in your mind when you are thinking about the problem task. Your old root belief will continue to express itself, but don’t try to quiet it. Just allow it to play in the background like a song you’ve gotten tired of.
Practice holding your new root belief in your mind, while allowing the old belief to play in the background like a song you’ve gotten tired of.
With practice, your new belief will take root, and the conflicts with the tasks you’ve been procrastinating on will become less threatening. When the perfectionist is willing to make mistakes, the warrior willing to engage without feeling motivated, the pleaser willing to disappoint others, and the rebel willing to cooperate when it will serve him or her, each will create new experiences that cannot happen within the procrastination cycle. This new experience will confirm and support your new, more expansive belief. You will find yourself both capable and willing to perform a much wider range of tasks, and in the process, you’ll move closer to accomplishing your personal goals.
You can download a Planting Root Beliefs worksheet to practice with at http://www.newharbinger.com/35876.
This brings up a question: How can you act on a new root belief when you’re experiencing emotions that make the old root belief feel true? We’ll examine that in the next chapter.