A Message for Non-Asexual People
First of all: thank you very much for picking up this book.
The best thing you can do for asexual people is to try to understand what we are in macro and who we are in micro. And even if you’re not looking for this information because of a personal connection with an asexual person in your life, you will be helping to make the world less hostile and more welcoming for all of us by becoming more aware of our issues and experiences.
We really appreciate your willingness to try to understand us, and hopefully this book will make that journey as easy as possible.
So maybe someone you love or know just came out to you as asexual, and maybe you’re concerned. Maybe you’re curious. Maybe you’re happy for them or proud of them. Maybe you’re worried that something’s wrong with the person, you want to know more about how the person thinks, you’re sad that they might not have a great relationship or children because of it, or you hope there’s a cure.
If someone you know is asexual and you want to talk about it, keep these two pieces of advice in mind: One, do more listening than talking/asking when it comes to the asexual person’s perspective. Two, educate yourself on the subject; a list of helpful resources is included in the last chapter of this book. You may be surprised how much the asexual people in your life might appreciate you taking the initiative to learn about it. Your asexual loved ones don’t have to be the main source of all your information on asexuality, though if they say something about their own experience that contradicts your research, you shouldn’t use it to invalidate them.
This book’s other sections cover what asexuality is, what asexual people’s lives are like, and what misconceptions they face. However, here’s a quick cheat sheet of that material if you came straight to this chapter first:
Asexuality is: An orientation describing people who don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone (It’s not a behavior, like abstinence. It’s an orientation, like gay, straight, or bi.).
Asexuality is not: It’s not a sickness or a mental illness. It’s not the same thing as celibacy. It’s not proof that someone has been abused. It is not “caused” by a medical issue or negative experience. It’s not a hurdle people should be expected to “get over.” It’s not the same thing as having a low sex drive. It doesn’t refer to a person who is a virgin or vows never to have sex. It doesn’t refer to a person who has had bad sex and sworn off it. It isn’t about hating people who have sex, hating other people in general, or failing to meet the right person. It isn’t hidden homosexuality. It isn’t a religious statement. It isn’t just a phase. It isn’t a diagnosis or a cry for attention or a reason to seek therapy. It doesn’t mean a person is ugly or socially awkward or lonely.
It might surprise you: That asexual people can have romantic relationships and marriages if they want to. That asexual people may negotiate sexual relationships if they want to. That some asexual people want to be parents. That some asexual people feel other (nonsexual) types of attraction. That some asexual people masturbate. That scientific studies have been done to examine asexuality as a sexual orientation. That asexual people can be any gender, sex, race, religion, or national origin. That asexual people can experience prejudice and discrimination for their orientation. That people can have disabilities/have mental or physical illnesses/take medication/be abuse survivors/be autistic and be asexual without these intersections “causing” each other or delegitimizing any of their realities. That most asexual people don’t want to be “cured.”
If you only have more questions now and you want to know more about something covered above, before asking the asexual person in your life for your own individual education session, consider reading the rest of this book—including the section aimed at asexual people (Part Four) and the “resources” section (Part Six) with references to articles, scientific research, and personal perspectives. Some of your questions may be answered without unnecessary awkwardness, especially if you have some very personal questions about masturbation, sexuality, sexual experimentation, gender, medical issues, or abuse history. Some of the natural questions you have might upset the asexual person for reasons you may not understand at this point, and a little preemptive research can help you avoid losing the asexual person’s trust while you try to figure out what asexuality means for the asexual people in your life.
This section will assume that you want to support asexual people—that you’d like to be an ally. The asexual population very much needs people like you, and we do want you to understand us. However, we do understand that some people who read about us might be hoping or believing that asexuality is a phase or a curable disease and might not be willing to accept it as an orientation. Regardless of your reasons for opening this book, hopefully you’ll be open to hearing some advice on how to foster a positive discussion about asexuality. Especially if you are very close to an asexual person, your reaction may be of utmost importance.
What Do Asexual People Want? How Can I Make Them Feel Accepted?
The single most common and resoundingly consistent answer from asexual communities is that we want you to acknowledge that asexuality exists.
Maybe this sounds easy, but keep in mind asexual people are a largely unknown population. The discrimination they face isn’t particularly visible; they’re rarely oppressed through deliberate action, but they are living every day with little to no acknowledgment of a central aspect of their lives. And yes, that still constitutes living in a prejudicial environment, though no one is comparing it with more violent expressions of oppression or suggesting we have it as bad or worse (In other words, we sometimes hear comments like “but other minorities have much bigger problems.” Those aren’t helpful statements because we aren’t trying to figure out who has it worse and only focus on the problems of the most disadvantaged groups.).
We’re saying that it means the world to asexual people if we’re included when sexual orientations are examined and that we want to be understood as just one more acceptable way to be.
So How Can I Acknowledge Their Existence?
Obviously it’d seem a little silly if an asexual person mentioned being asexual and you jumped in with “Oh, hi there. I believe you exist!” So how can you show that you acknowledge their existence?
First, you should be careful with your blanket statements about sexuality, especially when it comes to comparing lack of sexual interest with lack of personhood, or suggesting that “everybody” needs sex or is driven by sex. You can make sure the orientation gets represented in academic discussions or surveys of sexuality if you are involved in the creation or distribution of these materials. You can refrain from assuming everyone who’s single is trying to be otherwise (since plenty of people, including some asexual people, don’t want partners), and if an asexual person brings up the subject, just offer acceptance in your own way. You can approach people in general without assuming everyone feels sexual attraction until proven otherwise.
Ultimately, if you take care not to assume everyone you meet experiences sexual attraction or is interested in sex, and you remain mindful of including asexual people even outside of their presence, you’ll be helping to bring asexuality’s existence into the common consciousness.
How you support the asexual people in your life is going to vary widely depending on what your relationship with them is like. But in general, if an asexual person is coming out and wants you to be partial to this revelation, the best thing you can do is listen.
“Right now, coming out entails playing educator, representative of my sexuality, and terrified person trying to share something important all at the same time (I try not to show I’m terrified.). Have I ever mentioned that it is difficult to play educator when you’ve just bared a secret, important part of yourself and you know that total confusion is one of the best-case scenarios?”
—SCIATRIX, WRITING FROM FACTOR X
This person is expressing trust toward you, and even if you have some misgivings about asexuality or don’t understand what it means in this particular asexual person’s case, if you don’t listen and at least try to process what is being said, anything you say against it during this delicate time may cause a shutdown or a withdrawal. The asexual person may regret being honest with you and may be completely closed to discussion with you on this topic if you don’t keep your mind open. Let us speak, and consider what we say without automatic condemnation. That’s all we can ask.
And you can’t go wrong with telling us you support us and care for us, establishing an accepting attitude before asking any questions.
Now, if you have a friend or family member whom you think might be asexual but they have not discussed it with you, you may be in a different situation. Are you trying to find out whether someone you know is asexual? Or maybe someone you know is confused about their identity and is dropping hints about their attraction experiences that make you think perhaps they are asexual but haven’t heard of the orientation? There are a couple ways you can approach this situation if you are the one who wants to bring it up with them.
I recommend against specifically asking the person “are you asexual?” or telling them they’re probably asexual unless they’re asking you explicitly for suggestions on what they might be. If you’re hoping to help an asexual person discover what might be their identity, you’ll want to bring up the orientation without putting pressure on them to confirm or deny its application to themselves. The best way to casually introduce the topic is to mention or share an article or video or news piece you’ve seen and express support. Say you think it’s great that asexual people are finding a voice or that you are firmly in the “whatever floats your boat” camp. Allying yourself with asexual visibility may help asexual-identified people realize they can trust you and may help asexual people who don’t know about the orientation figure out some aspects of their identity that may have been causing them anxiety. You may actually be able to help asexual people find their place in the community by learning more about it yourself.
Is There Anything I Should Avoid Saying or Doing?
Here are some comments we sometimes hear from people who want to be supportive but don’t realize what they’re saying (If you’d like a more comprehensive understanding of some of the comments people make to invalidate asexual people, those are discussed in more detail in Part Three of this book.). You may not have even thought of any of these objections, but we do hear them, so I’m going to share why these statements might put us off.
Don’t suggest asexuality is actually repressed homosexuality, suppressed trauma, or a disorder. Yes, these things exist and they also can cause lack of interest in pursuing sex, but we don’t feel that asexuality is a last resort diagnosis that can only be applied if we’ve proved it’s not anything else.
Don’t immediately start trying to be sympathetic by saying you are “sometimes asexual” or that you wish you were; don’t suggest you understand completely because you have a low sex drive; and don’t list the “bright sides” of our situation. We’re probably not asking you to comfort us. Though sometimes it’s interesting to discuss it with people who once thought they were asexual and turned out not to be (That’s a different discussion.).
“You think it’s easy to be asexual in a world where sex is valued above anything else? You think there’s such a thing as an ‘asexual media?’ Look around you. Most people don’t even know asexuality exists. I get told by many people who don’t know me that I must be sick, or frigid, or afraid. [. . .] In case you didn’t get the message earlier: in no way is it easy being part of a minority sexuality.”
—JO QUALMANN, A LIFE UNEXAMINED
There are some things about being asexual that make life easier for some, but “I wish I was like you!” or “you’re so lucky!” can come off as infantilizing or condescending—they may think you’re saying you’re wiser and more mature because of your complicated desires, while their life is probably carefree and easy like that of a child (Clearly not everyone who says this is implying that their lives are harder, but if you wish to be an ally, you should know you might be interpreted that way if you use that phrasing.).
Incidentally, most of the people who say they “wish they were asexual” are actually expressing that their sexual urges are distracting or annoying. That’s a very different thing from “I wish I wasn’t attracted to anybody,” and even if you mean well, saying you wish you were a marginalized person does have a partial effect of trivializing what asexual people go through. Some of us have at times wished we were like you too, but neither of us actually knows what we’re asking for if we say so. Probably best to leave it out of a first conversation at least, until you know more about the asexual person’s experiences and attitudes.
Don’t make assumptions about what our asexuality means, even if the statements technically express support (e.g., “I think it’s great that you’re saving yourself!” or “You must be so spiritually enlightened!”).
Don’t express that we’re selfish or otherwise inferior because you think we will not have children. If you express that your asexual friend or family member is hurting you somehow by acknowledging an orientation that you perceive to result in childlessness, you may make the person feel like their primary worth to you is their offspring. Coming out as asexual is about them. If you are concerned about them having children, especially if you are their parent or grandparent, you should only discuss their reproductive plans in a nurturing way and do not treat them like a disappointment or yourself like a victim. They really aren’t trying to hurt you by being asexual, and furthermore, asexual people have certainly been known to have children; if they are so inclined and able, it’s still completely possible, either biologically or through adoption.
Don’t ask why the asexual person “decided to be asexual,” and don’t ask us to “try” being something else. Much like LGBTQ folks, we commonly hear our identity being understood as a decision. We’re often asked to pursue therapy to make sure nothing’s wrong with us before we call ourselves asexual. We’re regularly told to just try sex or somehow change our inclinations, because it shouldn’t be a big deal to just test it out and see.
To see it from our perspective, let’s say you’re a heterosexual person. Say every time you say so, people ask you why you don’t try being “open-minded” enough to just try sex with your own gender. They tell you you’re missing out and refuse to take you seriously if you’re not willing to experiment. Do most people feel this is an inappropriate request? Probably. Would most heterosexual people be able to be “reasoned into” trying sex with their own gender just in the interest of remaining open-minded? Probably not.
Please understand that it might feel like sex isn’t really a big deal if it’s not a big deal to you, but for someone who doesn’t feel that attraction, “just trying it” might very well be too much to ask (Especially since, in our experience, we just get told we did it wrong or with the wrong person if we try it and still don’t like it.). “Just try it” sounds unreasonable to many of us—perhaps as unreasonable as “just go without it, it’s no big deal” would sound to people who value and pursue sex. There are asexual people who have sex, and they do so for various reasons (discussed in Part Two of this book), but for much of the population, a desire for sex grows out of being attracted to someone. Not being sexually attracted to anyone tends to strongly affect interest in seeking out sex for many people.
If you can’t imagine yourself having sex with someone you’re not attracted to (based on anything from gender to age to body type), you probably feel the way many asexual people do when it comes to willingness to try it anyway. Remember that they might feel about having any sex the way you may feel about having sex with people you aren’t sexually attracted to, and asexual people are unlikely to see you as an ally if you tell them they “should” be indifferent enough to experiment. Asexual people don’t have an obligation to try to be otherwise, and that’s really important to remember when talking about our orientation with us. You’ll be establishing a double standard if you don’t expect most people to try multiple types and genders of partners before they’re trusted to label themselves, but that we, on the other hand, should try every other possibility before self-identifying as asexual. You’ll have trouble getting us to take you seriously as an ally if you think we can only be asexual if we’ve tried and failed to be everything else.
“Telling people they have to engage in unwanted sex before you consider their desires valid is a form of social coercion. It creates pressure on them to engage in unwanted sex, and it contributes to rape culture.”
—AYDAN SELBY, THE ASEXUAL AGENDA
Don’t assume an asexual person in a romantic relationship must have decided to identify as asexual because a partner is bad at sex. This is especially important if you are the partner here and a significant other has recently revealed they are asexual. Remember this is not their way of saying a partner disappointed them in bed, or that they must not love their partner, or that a poor lover “made them asexual” (which no one can do, any more than anyone can make them change to any other sexual orientation), or that there is anything at all a person can do or could have done to stop them from coming to the conclusion that they are asexual.
Don’t start setting down conditions for “belief” if an asexual person comes out—such as agreeing to believe them if they try dating and don’t like it, claiming their orientation will be “proved” if they still don’t want sex a year from now, or saying you’ll believe them if they’re still saying this when they’re twenty-five. When your asexual friend or family member reveals their orientation to you, it does not mean you are being asked to intervene. You’re not being asked for advice and you’re not being recruited; you’re just being asked to understand. This isn’t about putting yourself in an asexual person’s shoes; it’s about recognizing that people wear different shoes because they have different feet.
If the only context you have for not having sex is wanting it but not getting it, you might have trouble with the idea of not getting it because you don’t want it. An asexual person’s life is not likely to be empty if it lacks sex, so if this is the only way you can see it—if it seems bleak and boring and horrific to you—then you are not processing this person’s situation. You’re processing yourself in a situation that would be distasteful to you, and until you accept that this is someone else’s “normal,” you may be unable to react constructively.
Don’t tell the asexual person that you think asexuality awareness shouldn’t be a big deal. Sometimes we hear remarks about how it’s silly to want more visibility or how it’s absurd to want to be part of a Pride parade or queer-related event.[1] We’re often told it’s no big deal because “so you don’t want to have sex, so what? Nobody cares.” If you’ve read the rest of this book, you know “not wanting to have sex” is both oversimplifying and misrepresenting asexuality, and in our experience, “nobody cares” is untrue. We deal with misguided interventions, aggressive questioning, and mocking (just for starters!) on a level that suggests a great need for more education on this topic.
Don’t tell the asexual person that their terminology or identity is “too complicated.” As mentioned previously, people tend to think asexuality is a very simple concept, but when it’s discussed in any depth, it becomes clear how nuanced and layered it can be. Sometimes we’re painted as unreasonable if we expect others to understand identities like “gray-polyromantic demisexual,” but we should expect asexuality to be complicated, since mainstream sexuality only seems less complicated because we’re all used to it and have been hearing and understanding the contexts for those relationships since we were children. It’s all right if you don’t understand, especially if the asexual person uses many unfamiliar terms, but it’s better if you either try to learn their terms or just say nothing. It won’t be well received if you claim the orientation is too complicated for any reasonable person to learn about.
Don’t immediately express doubts that the person is asexual (especially in the form of “but you have a partner!” or “but you want/have children!”), and don’t ask the person to prove the validity of asexuality to you. This is also not the time to suggest that it would be better to try harder to be something else.
Don’t worry about it if you have a really hard time getting your head around how a person could be asexual or what their experience must be like. Chances are they can’t imagine sexual attraction either. You don’t need to express how absolutely bizarre it may sound to you—expressing that may alienate the asexual person—and it’s best that you don’t joke that you’d die without sex or point out how much you value sex and sexuality in your life. It’s okay for you to not get it; plenty of people don’t. Just be respectful about it, the same as you should be if a person doesn’t like a food you like.
And while we do want your acknowledgment if we’re revealing this aspect of our lives to you, don’t constantly bring it up in group settings or one-on-one chats. This often makes us feel like you can’t think of us as anything but “that asexual person.” We want it to be acknowledged as important, but we want it to be considered just one part of who we are to you, like your sexual orientation isn’t the first thing on our minds when we talk to you. You may want to ask us whether we’re out to the public about our asexuality because accidentally outing your friend or family member could be a disaster for both of you.
Somebody Just Told Me They’re Asexual! What Do I Say?
Unfortunately, reactions usually come out sounding negative, even if they aren’t meant that way; we often hear condescending utterances of “are you sure?” and “don’t you think you’ll regret that?” along with immediate laughter and denial (“ha, no you’re not!”) or attitudes ranging from disbelieving to horrified.
If someone comes out to you and you can’t think of anything to say at first, try one of these:
This is the time to let the asexual person control the conversation. The asexual person may have been gearing up for the de-closeting for months, and there may be quite a lot of nerves involved . . . it’s possible the asexual person has been preparing, and if you have been chosen to hear this message, your reaction probably means a lot. Make it a good one.
But What If I’ve Already Said Something Kind of Regrettable?
Well, that’s understandable, especially if the idea of asexuality was really mind-blowing to you and you were either just so floored by the thought of asexual people or you were immediately anxious about what it meant for your friend or family member. The fact that you are reading a book about it does suggest that you want to be on board as an informed person in the asexual person’s life, so that’s a good place to start.
If you accidentally subjected the asexual person to a reaction you now regret, if appropriate, bring up the subject with the asexual person and say you’re sorry for saying whatever you said. This will generally go over well if you follow the apology by saying you researched asexuality and that you had no idea there was so much information on the subject or that so many people feel this way. Acknowledge what you said or did as a knee-jerk reaction or a typical response considering the lack of education on asexuality in our culture, though you should try to avoid making it sound like an excuse.
You may wish to acknowledge that you were never taught about asexuality and that you now see why awareness efforts are so important. As soon as you tell an asexual person that you think more people need to know about the reality of their orientation, you will establish yourself as a clear ally. It would mean the world if you apologized to an asexual person you may have hurt and said “I just wish this had been discussed in sex ed.” Yes, it should have been. The more non-asexual allies backing us up, the more likely it is that one day we will see it in our sexual education classrooms and textbooks.
Also, if the asexual person in question was rude to you when you didn’t understand, treated you like you were a terrible person, or mocked you even though you don’t think you did anything wrong, it’s possible you’re hearing the anger and annoyance that comes from years of frustration and repression. Asexual people are not exempt from behaving poorly sometimes, and it’s possible someone was unfair to you, got angry at you very quickly for what seemed like an innocent question, or expected too much of you. It happens.
But remember, some negative emotions are understandable in our situation, and if an asexual person reacts snidely to your interest or your questions, the best thing you can do is educate yourself on your own. Many asexual people get tired of educating others and may be hostile if you press the issue, and the worst thing you can do is claim that you can’t expect to learn if they won’t personally educate you. A strong reaction suggests strong feelings, so it would be inappropriate to scold them for “overreacting” or to blame your inability to understand on their failure to be as calm as you are. They have more at stake when their identity is challenged and mocked, and the prevailing attitude toward asexuality in the mainstream has a real effect on their lives, so emotion-free levelheadedness is not always an option.
If the person who has reacted strongly is someone whose feelings matter to you, you can help by learning about asexuality and then reassuring them that you understand better now and won’t bring it up unless they do (You might consider a letter to express this if the person stays angry with you.).
You might not understand why they’re upset, and maybe they really are being a bit unreasonable, but if you can make it clear you’re an ally, not an adversary, they may come around. Understanding the reason behind their reaction may help, too. For instance, if you asked about their personal medical history or brought up possible abuse in their past, and they flew off the handle in response and refused to address it, you may not understand why such a simple question provoked an outburst. However, if you read the parts of this book that address those misconceptions (Part Three), you may get a feel for the context they may see these questions in.
They may perceive intent to harm or dismiss them if you choose certain phrases in your quest to understand more. Arguing about your true intent isn’t wise if the asexual person was hurt by your words or actions regardless. You should also refrain from suggesting they or their cause will never gain ground if they’re not nice enough. Do your best to figure out what triggered the negative reaction, and undo the damage if you can through apology, correcting yourself, or acknowledging that you don’t understand. There may be times when you won’t know why they responded to you the way they did, but try reading more about asexual people’s experiences. If you begin to see what our world is like, you may at least find an explanation for said behavior, even if you don’t think that explanation excuses it.
What If My Child Just Said They’re Asexual? Are They Too Young to Know?
If you’re the parent of an asexual teenager or adult, first off, it’s great that you’re seeking out a book on your child’s experience. With the help of your child and other resources like this book, I hope you come to a good understanding of the orientation.
The mean age of the first sexual attraction experience is ten years old.[2] By the teenage years, children are typically very familiar with the concept of viewing other people sexually and finding them attractive. It’s very unusual to reach late teenagerhood without feeling sexual attraction or sexual inclination at all, and if that is what your child is reporting, it’s possible they are asexual.
Of course, yes, there are other possibilities that could be at work: health issues, social anxiety, embarrassment, fear of consequences like sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy, latent or hidden homosexuality, fear of dating, off-putting experiences, lack of available partners, et cetera. But what exactly is your child saying? Are they invoking a circumstantial reason for not wanting to date or have sex, or are they saying “I don’t find anyone sexually attractive?” If it is the latter, that’s what asexuality is. If they’re labeling themselves “asexual” at this point but you believe one of these other possibilities is more likely, it’s still best not to say so, because they may feel invalidated and less willing to share their problems and feelings in the future.
Asexuality is very unlikely to indicate a health issue in and of itself. Health problems that cause disinterest in sex have other symptoms (discussed fully in a subsection of Part Three), and if you are still making your child’s health decisions, you shouldn’t take your child to a medical or mental health professional deliberately trying to “cure” them of asexuality. As a responsible parent, you will of course be concerned about the health of your child, but perhaps it’s best to research sexual-desire-related disorders and try to understand what you can expect to see if your child does have a problem. If you do converse with your child about personal problems or take them to a counselor, try to avoid implying that you’re arranging an intervention to fix asexuality as a problem. Even if they are not asexual but are trying out the label, they will cooperate more willingly with you and with professionals if their exploration is respected, not immediately dismissed as impossible.
That said, telling your child “you’ll grow out of it” or “you’re not old enough to decide that yet” may very deeply hurt or frustrate them. You may even be right that they are going through a phase—some people do experiment with identity when trying to figure out their attractions and what labels to use—but it will not be helpful in the slightest if you announce you do not accept what they’re feeling as valid and believe yourself to be the authority on what they could possibly be experiencing.
Many asexual people know they’re asexual when they’re in their young teens—because when everyone else is figuring out who they are attracted to, asexual teens are realizing they aren’t attracted to anyone. Even if they are indeed wrong about being asexual, announcing that you do not believe them may alienate your child and cause them to be less likely to include you in their personal thoughts and identity exploration in the future. There are ways to be supportive and reserve judgment even if you privately think your child may choose a different label later in life, and it’s likely they’ll be more willing to trust you in their relationship issues as they grow if you establish yourself as a parent willing to listen. If it’s true that they will “grow out of it” or change their label later, they will do so regardless of whether you’ve told them they will.
“Having someone tell you ‘Hey it’s ok to feel that way!’ makes such a big difference. [. . .] If someone grows a bit and realizes that they do experience sexual attraction or does like sex, that’s ok! And they may, more likely than not, have an easier time coming to that conclusion and accepting it than if they reached that conclusion from a place of shame and ridicule.”
—FIISH
What If My Partner Just Said They’re Asexual? What Do I Do?
This happens fairly often. People who are already in marriages or other long-term relationships suddenly (or so it seems) start identifying as asexual and want to change the game. What should you do, as a non-asexual person who’s found themselves in a relationship with an asexual person?
It’s not unusual for a partnership that includes a mixture of non-asexual and asexual people to undergo some stress. If you are a non-asexual partner, you may wonder why this had to come up when everything seemed okay before—if in fact it did seem okay. You may feel cheated or hurt or worried that an asexual partner is now going to remove sex from the relationship—or that they never fully loved you, or that they were lying if they had sex with you despite their lack of attraction. It’s normal to feel hurt if they did not share an important aspect of their feelings toward you.
But remember: asexual people who have never heard of their own orientation are trained since childhood to think sex is an unavoidable part of all romantic relationships and that no one will love them without it (or, in some cases, they think their love must be fractured somehow if it does not make them feel sexual attraction). Asexual people are taught to hide it if they don’t feel what everybody else seems to feel. The way things were before may not have been okay with them, but they were conditioned not to speak of such an alien experience as not being sexually attracted to the partner they love so much.
They may have felt too ashamed or confused to share these feelings, may have been worried you’ll think they want to break up, or that you’ll think it’s your fault for not being sexy to them. Until they discovered the existence of asexuality, they very well may have thought they were the only person to feel this way, and that’s hard to say out loud.
“Sexual scripts are not second nature. We are aware of them (have seen the same movies and read the same books as you have) but the common tropes in these stories do not represent our experience. We may have assumed that these tropes are purely fiction, that nobody actually feels that way, that everyone feels the way we do, rather than suspect that we are the odd ones out. Many of us are familiar enough with sexual scripts to use them in conversation, but we treat them like jokes or figures of speech.”
—REBECCA, SEIJI HAS MANY SOCKS
So if an asexual partner comes out to you and wants to renegotiate certain aspects of your sex life or your relationship, don’t blame yourself for supposed bad sex, don’t take it as a sign that you are not an attractive person, and don’t beat yourself up over it if the prospect of having to change your sex life to accommodate an asexual partner’s needs is intimidating to you. Sometimes partners determine that their needs are indeed too different to stay together, and there’s no shame in that; however, there are many different compromises that can be reached, and some of them can be better understood by reading Part Two of this book under “Asexual Relationships.”
In any case, you’re now going forward. You have to figure out how to negotiate this relationship. While doing so, keep in mind that this is going to involve compromise if you’re going to stay together, and furthermore, compromise is not something only meant for the asexual partner(s). Try to see your relationship as having “mismatched sexual desires or needs” rather than “they don’t want sex enough.” You may have incompatible desires, but a compromise is possible in many cases. You may be able to examine your boundaries and desires and figure out whether you can compromise by making a list of must-haves and deal-breakers, either on your own or by using a resource to guide you.[3]
Some asexual people enjoy sex. Some are indifferent or ambivalent toward it. Some are repulsed. If your asexual partner(s) said sex is completely off the table as a bargaining item, you should listen and understand they are serious. And if, when you deeply examine your feelings, you realize that you cannot be romantic, intimate, or committed with anyone who does not want to have sex (or feels differently about it than you thought they did), it’s okay to recognize that you need your partner to desire you the way you desire them.
No one should ever feel obligated to have sex, so please do not ever treat someone like they are betraying an automatic requirement or expectation in all relationships. But no one should have to remain in a relationship that isn’t what they thought it was and includes a deal-breaker, either. If you’re honest and say you won’t be able to live with that, you’re not any more in the wrong than an asexual partner who says they can’t live with being expected to have or to want sex. You are free to leave the relationship if it is best for both of you . . . and if you are indeed so mismatched that you absolutely require something an asexual partner is absolutely unwilling to give, it’s probably best.
However, if your asexual partner(s) would be willing to start or continue to have occasional or regular sex, you will still have to negotiate how often, what kind of sex, and under what circumstances. Make sure you’re honest about your feelings, including your deal-breakers, your must-haves, and whatever aspects of your relationship are up for compromise, and be sure to check and double-check for understanding both when you’re first forming your terms and when you’ve been living with them for a while.
Some asexual people may be willing to engage in only certain kinds of sex, focus on sensual instead of sexual experiences, or involve toys, kinks, fetishes, or other practices. Some asexual people don’t mind or enjoy manual stimulation with their partners or watching their partners stimulate themselves. And relationship-wise, some asexual people are willing to change the terms of a previously two-person partnership to include open relationships[4] or polyamory,[5] so partners can satisfy unmet needs without its being “cheating.”
If you’re dedicated to staying with a partner who is asexual, it’s possible you actually don’t think lack of sex would be a big deal for you. Maybe you’re willing to go without sex, or take care of any sexual arousal yourself, and if that’s the case, you should discuss it with your asexual partner(s). But also feel free to be honest if you try it for a while and it’s just not working. After all, if you come to a sexual compromise and they eventually determine that they need to revise “what’s allowed,” they should be able to tell you; you should feel the same amount of freedom to let a significant other know what you’re feeling and what you need and figure out how to meet your needs together.
But even if you’re breaking up over a partner’s asexuality, you should never suggest an asexual partner will never find someone who will accept them except another asexual person. Relationships between asexual people and non-asexual people do work sometimes on all sorts of compatibility issues, and the key is always communication and compromise. Never imply to an asexual person that lack of willingness to have sex makes them “damaged goods,” or that relationships are “about” sex, or that it’s not real love unless it involves sex, period. Asexual people do hear suggestions like these in relationships sometimes, and these messages strip asexual people of their confidence and self-worth. You do need to remember to only speak for yourself about what you want in a partner. Other people do exist who can have happy relationships with asexual people, and you shouldn’t try to convince others that they do not exist.
Here are some suggestions for how to have a happy relationship with an asexual person, beyond just discussing your basic deal-breakers and must-haves:
Also, keep in mind that people may criticize your relationship if your partner(s) will be coming out to others in your family or social circle. In dealing with the criticism, you may feel mocked for being in a relationship with an asexual person, especially if others believe you are shamefully “not getting any” or being submissive by “caving” to an asexual person’s possibly lower sexual allowances. Especially if you are a man, your fitness as a person or a partner may be attacked or questioned.
People may try to encourage you to leave the asexual partner(s) or tell you that you could do better, or they may just be very curious about how your relationship works and ask you intrusive questions about your sex life or each of your genitals. They may heap unsolicited advice upon you about what you should “try” to change the asexual person. Note that this more often happens when your asexual partner(s) cannot be there to witness it. You can combat this by checking with your asexual partner(s) about what’s okay to say about your relationship, and if you’d rather not do asexual-relationship-Q&A, choose one or two affirming sentences to address criticism. Express happiness with your relationship or tell detractors that it’s not their business, and repeat it until they stop asking.
“The host [. . .] says to my boyfriend, ‘So, I heard you were asexual. What’s that about?’ My boyfriend had to explain that I was asexual, but he wasn’t. This led to a situation where all his friends were quizzing him on asexuality. My boyfriend felt very uncomfortable because he felt put on the spot to defend the legitimacy of our relationship to his friends.”
—TRISTAN MILLER, THE ASEXUAL AGENDA
If you do choose to stay with your partner(s), you may find some comfort in a) checking out resources for non-asexual partners of asexual people in forums such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (www.asexuality.org); b) reading through the misconceptions section of this book (Part Three) to find rebuttals and deconstructions for the questions and comments people make; and c) reading through the “if you’re asexual” section of this book (Part Four) to learn what asexual people face and how to be a better supporter and ally for them.
This, again, varies greatly by individual. If an asexual person has done something awareness-related in a public forum and you are interacting with that asexual person through the public forum, questions are usually appropriate and even welcomed. Many asexual awareness activists are quite used to being asked out-and-out crude questions, so your polite ones are unlikely to offend us. Use a little more caution when you’re talking to someone who’s discussing the subject with you one on one.
And you can’t go wrong if you politely ask if you can ask first. Some people will just say “Sorry, I don’t really want to talk about my personal life.” You can still find the answers to general questions by interacting through forums (some discussion groups are listed in the References section of this book) or submitting your request to an asexuality-related Q&A blog.[6]
Some asexual people just want to be asexual people, not spokespeople. As with any underrepresented population, we are often portrayed as being representative of “our group,” so please keep in mind that we don’t necessarily speak for each other and that our answers are not to be generalized as the accepted status quo for “the community.”
What Questions Can I Ask Without Making Someone Uncomfortable?
We would like your questions to be open-minded, polite, and not rendered in biased language. For instance, a question like “Don’t you think you’d better get your hormone levels checked?” is stacked toward “of course you should.” If you really want to know whether the asexual person in question might have a hormonal issue, keep in mind that’s a personal medical question and it may very well not be your business. Also keep in mind that hormonal lack of sex drive is different from lack of sexual attraction, and if someone has a disorder, there are observable health problems that develop from it (There is more about that in Part Three of this book, which discusses asexuality’s being mistaken for a disorder.). We frequently hear these kinds of questions about health from well-meaning people as well as from people who are trying to knock us down on purpose.
So imagine you’re talking to a person who is the same sexual orientation you are. Then ask yourself whether you are close enough to that person to say such things as “Say, do your genitals work?” or “Do you masturbate?” or “Have you ever had an orgasm?” In some people’s minds, these kinds of questions suddenly become fair game to ask asexual strangers or acquaintances when people want to know how we function.
Asking these questions is not recommended unless your relationship with that person is such that you could have comfortably asked the same questions if the person wasn’t asexual (Meaning they would be comfortable too!). We generally don’t like being thrown impersonally under the microscope and used for answer mining. If you suddenly switch into “but the specimen exists to satisfy my curiosity!” mode, don’t be surprised if that person withdraws from you as a result. If you treat people impersonally and behave as if they owe you answers, they will withdraw.
Anything I Should Avoid Assuming?
Yes. Here are some worries that might be bothering you about asexual people and your relationship with an asexual friend or loved one.
Asexual people aren’t looking down on you for your sexuality. Some people automatically believe that if someone’s asexual, it constitutes taking a stand against sex (necessitating defense of or adamant glorification of one’s sexuality), and that is not the case at all.
“I feel as if any movement that claims to be about sexual freedom as a whole that almost solely concerns itself with the issues of people with average-to-high sexual desire is going to be missing vital issues, and that it will often end in new sexual obligations and norms. I think sex-positivity needs asexuality, needs to talk about this side of the coin and the issues people face here.”
—KAZ, FEMINISTE
Many asexual people who don’t want to have sex still support consensual sexual relationships, as long as the sex doesn’t involve them. Empowerment regarding sex should always include the option to not engage in it. Unfortunately, some folks in sex-positive movements misinterpret sex positivity as “sex is good, period,” and this can be turned against asexual people. If a sex-positive person thinks the only way to celebrate sex is to encourage more of it, that person may believe asexual people who choose to abstain are doing so because of a sex-negative attitude. Sex positivity isn’t about shaming people for not having enough sex. If you want to put forward a sex-positive message, keep this in mind when you choose your words. Make it about freedom, not about demonizing those who don’t feel interested or accusing them of internalized oppression. If someone is sex positive, their message should be about choice—about not marginalizing anyone based on lifestyle or inclination, even if said lifestyle includes no sex at all.
Abstinent asexual people might sometimes be relieved that they don’t have some of the problems sex causes, but they have a whole different set of problems, and they don’t think of themselves as superior. They just want to be respected. Asexual people are generally okay with sex being a big part of other people’s lives, and they’re not trying to take it away from anyone. Asexual people also don’t need to hear about how much a sexually active person enjoys their sex life, as if this will make asexual people feel insecure about what they might be missing and “reconsider.” Asexual people are not judging anyone for wanting sex or enjoying it or celebrating it.
Remember we aren’t necessarily disgusted by or naive about relationships or sexuality. Asexual is not a synonym for sex negative or dateless. Sometimes people bend over backwards to placate their one asexual guest, trying to avoid references to sex in conversation, or deliberately leaving their asexual friend out of an invitation to a movie that features romance or sexual situations. Unless we’ve expressed that we wish to be left out, please don’t assume “oh that would gross you out,” and also don’t assume that we have no idea how sex or dating works. Many of us date/have dated and some of us have had sex/are sexually active, and nearly all of us are going to know the facts of life. Don’t censor yourself or feel that you have to explain to the wide-eyed innocent. It’s unlikely that we’re at all mystified by the workings of sexual relationships if we have typical understandings of other social relationships.
We aren’t buying into a fad or trying to be unique. This may sound silly, but ask any asexual person who’s done visibility work and they’ll tell you they’ve heard these multiple times: “You just want attention” or “Everybody’s trying to be special these days” or “This is silly; why do you need a label for all the sex you’re not having?”
“The asexual community generally tries to facilitate people figuring themselves out. Introspection, and detailed analysis is fashionable. There’s active discussion about what it means to be between asexual and non-asexual. People feel free to express their doubts. There’s a lot of uncertainty involved in asexuality, but asexuals deal with it in healthy ways. What’s unhealthy is the way that everyone else constantly questions the validity of asexuality upon first encountering it. Somehow it fails to fit in their worldview, and people just deny deny deny.”
—TRISTAN MILLER, SKEPTIC’S PLAY
Asexuality isn’t “a fad” any more than homosexuality was a fad when the number of “out” gay people increased significantly. The LGBTQ movement’s awareness efforts led, in part, to the formation of safe spaces for LGBTQ people, and the more visible they became, the more people felt comfortable coming out. Asexual people are much rarer than gay people, and since society constantly hits us over the head with “of course we’re all compelled by sex” messages, we know our feelings are unpopular. If there weren’t Internet-based communities, most of us would probably be the only asexual person we’d ever heard of. And while awareness of a phenomenon does trigger some misapplied labeling, it’d be extremely offensive to write off everyone who comes out as asexual. It’s unlikely that we’d read about it on the Internet and think “that’s me!” if we’d never had an inkling of the sort before.
Asexuality isn’t a decision, an oath, or a phase. For most of us, saying we’re asexual is just like anyone else declaring their sexual orientation. But we acknowledge that things do sometimes change and we are sometimes wrong about ourselves, just like people of any sexual orientation are. It isn’t fair to treat asexual people as though our orientation is temporary, but keep in mind being asexual is not the same as having sworn off sex.
If we are telling you we’re asexual, we’re stating a fact about how we feel; asexuality is not a logical decision based on close-mindedness that you have to reason with us about. In short, you aren’t going to change our attraction experiences by arguing that we won’t have a full life unless we “change our minds.” We haven’t made a decision. We’ve made an observation, and we’re living our lives based on the assumption that what we’ve observed about ourselves is true.
Some of us do have sex and/or experience nonsexual attractions to other people, and you should never point to these facts as “evidence” that we cannot actually be asexual. There are reasons to have sex besides sexual attraction, and some people are sexually intimate for those reasons. There are other ways to be attracted to others—romantically, sensually, aesthetically—and they aren’t half-formed or stunted sexual attractions “trying” to come out, so it shouldn’t be assumed that they invalidate our identity. The romantic relationships and non-romantic relationships that asexual people have should be described and respected using the terms they themselves use, and their ability to determine what kind of relationship they have should be trusted. Types of asexual partnerships and the terms we use are discussed extensively in Part Two.
And as a final thought: please remember that a big part of being an ally is being one even when no asexual people are there to appreciate it.
We don’t want to recruit you for an advertising campaign, but if you’re allied with our visibility efforts, you can help in a natural way. Do what you can as far as research on the subject so you don’t end up spreading misinformation, and if you see or hear a conversation that misrepresents, erases, or mocks asexual people/asexuality, say something. If you study sexuality or are in some way devoted to increasing awareness about its many facets, make sure you include asexuality in a realistic capacity—as in, don’t give it its own special section and then go back to discussing sexuality as if there’s no such thing. We’re not asking you to play advocate if that’s not something you’d do regarding any other type of misinformation, but if that IS something you enjoy, we’re happy to have you helping us spread awareness.
1“And then you have the asexuals marching for the right to not . . . do anything. Which is hilarious. You didn’t need to march for that right. You just need to stay home and not do anything.” —Dan Savage in the documentary (A)sexual (Tucker, 2011).
2“Recent findings from three distinct and significant studies have pointed to the age of 10 as the mean age of first sexual attraction—well before puberty” (McClintock & Herdt, 1996).
3Checklists can be used or modified from the resources at Scarleteen (www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist) or SmartHotFun (smarthotfun.com/wantwillwontchart).
4Open relationships are non-monogamous relationships wherein a couple stays committed to each other but one or both parties will be allowed to take other partners.
5Polyamory refers to a type of open relationship wherein one or more of the partners have an intimate relationship with more than one person, generally with mutually agreed-upon terms. This could involve one or more partners having another partner or can include triad or group-partner situations.
6Try Asexual Advice, a blog that takes submissions either through Tumblr accounts or anonymously: asexualadvice.tumblr.com.