Okay. It turned out I could stop crying if I focused on destroying everything around me instead.
The lab was dead. No one was here to witness what I needed to do. I almost wished they were around to see it, though. To see how big of a failure their Marietta Project truly was.
I started from the top floor, tearing through the Institute like a woman possessed. Thinking about Hugo made me feel too horrible, so I simply stopped thinking about anything at all.
I knocked over trash cans. I destroyed countless white boards by breaking them over my knee. It helped a bit, but it wasn’t nearly enough. I threw someone’s old water bottle through the window of a computer lab. The glass spiderwebbed with cracks before the whole thing shattered with a loud, satisfying crash.
I took the elevator down one level. I destroyed more windows. I flung projectors across long hallways, screaming like a freak.
When I found the Cog PR office on the second floor, a ragged sob escaped my chest. There were posters of girls who looked like me everywhere. So many smiling Mariettas in long beige trench coats, all of them fated to be autonomous service workers if the Institute had its way. This was the reason I was even alive. To serve other people.
I ripped every poster to shreds. I punched a hole through every computer. I screamed again. Horrified, afraid, and angry.
I found the Boss Lady’s office behind the open room layout. I knew it had to be hers because it was the only one behind closed doors; the perfect spot to monitor everyone working under her from her private little corner. I kicked the door down with the heel of my platform. I destroyed a pointless neon sign that read “Coffee in one hand, Ambition in the other” by hurling it through the window. It smashed in the street, scaring the ravens.
I left the canteen alone, though. Not one sandwich out of place, because no one at the canteen had ever attempted to remove my agency. Also, because the food had been pretty good.
The elevator ride back to the lowest floor felt like descending into hell. At this point, I knew I’d caused too much mess at the Institute to get away with it all. I hadn’t been careful about avoiding security cameras whatsoever.
I knew the Institute would make me pay for what I’d done. But before then, there was one thing left on my agenda: to finish what Hugo had started and destroy the Cog Lab entirely.
I didn’t expect to find anyone but Penny inside the room. But Anna was standing beside her, trim and neat in her cardigan and patent black shoes. She made for quite the contrast against the mess left by Hugo. There were broken shards of glass, dribbling organs, and preserved fluid.
“I came back because I still had some questions about you,” she told me, her eyes widening as soon as she saw me storming in. “But now I have way more.”
Hugo’s body—or Clyde’s body, rather—was still splayed on the steel surgical table. It was a miracle that Anna hadn’t run away screaming yet. His face was already turning blue.
“I thought you might be here,” she continued quickly. “Can you tell me what happened to Clyde? Did you … did you do it, Marietta? I mean, Helga?” Her face was pale. Her mouth trembled. Okay, so maybe there was still a chance that she would run away screaming.
Anna’s presence threw a wrench in my plans. I desperately wanted to destroy the lab before the authorities took me away forever. But destruction would have to wait a little while, since I guess I owed her an explanation.
First, I had to cool off. A lot. I really didn’t like seeing her scared of me.
Both Anna and Penny were inching away from me. I wiped off my bloody knuckles against the overalls I’d stolen and tried to rearrange my expression into something a little less vengeful. “I didn’t kill Clyde. It was an accident,” I protested. “I swear.”
Anna still looked highly doubtful. If she’d heard me rampaging through the Institute, I probably seemed even more dangerous to her. Anna’s body language revealed her deep unease too. Her shoulders were tight, her eyes kept darting toward the door, and her shaking hands kept reaching into her purse. I figured she was probably scrambling for her phone in case she needed to call for help.
“Have you told anyone about me?” I asked her. “Do you know how much time I have left?”
But it was Penny who answered. “She hasn’t told anyone yet, Helga. We were just talking about you.”
“Then she knows I didn’t kill him,” I shot back, temper flaring. “I haven’t killed anything, ever. Nobody and nothing, not even a bug!”
“I wanted to hear from you. I’ve been working at the Institute, and I didn’t really understand what the Marietta Project was like. I wanted to … I guess I wanted to hear from your side,” Anna swallowed. “Helga.”
So I was on trial, and Anna was the judge. Her hand was still reaching into her bag. Clearly, she was ready to call the authorities if I misspoke.
“Sit down,” I told them, gesturing toward the desk chairs by the computer station. “This is going to take a while.”
They both opted to remain standing, which was fair. If I was in Anna’s shoes, I’d be nervous too.
I told her about how Father had been skeptical from the beginning and wanted to remake my Cog. I described running away from home and the way the night made me feel alive. I talked about my love of steamed buns for so long that Anna coughed, clearly wanting me to hurry things up. But when I went on to mention Clyde and the bus accident, her expression changed.
“He should never have chased you.” Anna scowled. “You must’ve been freaked out.”
Not only had Clyde resorted to stalking me through the city, but he never respected me either. Realizing that sucked. I shuddered, brushing away the image of his body on the pavement, the pool of blood widening around him.
“His body was always going to be used by the Institute,” I told her weakly. “I just thought … I thought my way was better.”
Currently, my way meant Hugo lying on a steel surgical table, growing even more rigid than Father’s rules.
“Father’s disapproval fueled this project. I wanted love without conditions or tests. But,” I stammered, fighting back the tears welling up. “I clearly failed.”
Anna was lost in thought. She chewed her bottom lip, staring right past me. There’d always been friction between us because of Clyde. But now I was starting to think things might change.
“I can see why you’d hate the Institute,” she said finally.
“I hate it here too,” Penny chimed in. “Those ghouls pay me shit.”
Anna smoothed down the front of her dress and stepped gingerly over the various oozing liquids coating the lab floor. She walked over to Hugo, wrinkling her nose. “I guess I could understand why you’d want to change him. Especially after he was already dead.”
Hugo’s mouth was slightly parted. I winced, remembering his last words. I loathe you.
Far from being my soul mate, Hugo absolutely hated me. He’d walked like a stilted puppet, spouting unsettling poetry. His mouth never knew where to go. I always could see Clyde peeking through him. Hugo was basically just Clyde with different styling and a broken Cog. It was a mistake to ever think that these small adjustments could be enough to make him into a whole new person.
But I knew I’d still do things the same way, at least with his Cog. I couldn’t have possibly added system intent. I wanted to be loved, but not through force. I wanted him to choose to love me. I wanted a real partnership, an equal at my side.
I was so sick of being in a world that knew how to use me but not how to love me. I was so much more than something that could merely serve others. I was my own damn person, and I wanted—no, needed—someone in this world to care for me. I couldn’t keep going, otherwise. There was no point of life outside of love.
Maybe Father would finally tell me he loved me. Maybe he’d even show it by defending me against the Institute. And here was Penny, who’d helped so much. Penny, who had the same tattoo as me. Maybe she could love me too.
It felt like my insides were unraveling. There was that sudden gnawing in my stomach again. God, it ached. It pulsed against my skin, too visceral to be a symptom of guilt. Something was literally clawing at me from the inside. Stopping me from moving forward.
I clutched my stomach while Penny’s eyebrows shot up.
What’s wrong? she mouthed.
“I’m fine,” I lied. There was enough going on. She didn’t need to worry about something as minor as a stomachache.
“It seems like the big problem is the Institute,” Anna mused. She stared at Hugo’s body with evident fascination and disgust. “And the doctor too, for going along with this project. I mean, you’re his daughter.”
“It’s definitely the Institute,” Penny agreed.
“It’s not Father’s fault,” I protested, because I really didn’t want to believe that it was. I was still holding onto the hope that Father would do something to help me.
“He can change,” I told Anna. “You’ve seen his work. I know he’s been through a lot—”
“He put you through a lot,” Anna said flatly. “My parents have always made me feel like I’m enough.”
Father had spent basically all his life dedicated to progress, and change was inherently part of that. Surely, he’d be able to see how wrong the Institute was. Surely, he’d be proud of me for all that I’d done—passing all those performance checks and learning so much so quickly. And he’d have to be proud, not even for what I could do or be but for who I was, right now. His daughter.
“I took this internship for school credit. My aunt working here definitely gave me a leg up,” Anna said, her ears slightly pink. “But I don’t think I’m coming back. This place is full of corporate monsters.”
The Institute solicited talent from around the world, including students. The younger the better, I realized. It would give the Institute more time to shape people. The internship program was just one facet of that. Assistant gigs like the one Penny took on was another. The Institute dangled a better life that never materialized for most of its workers. They used people until they broke.
“I’m with you, Anna. Given everything that’s happened, I’ll definitely lose my job here.” Penny chuckled. “Oh well, at least I got one good thing out of it.”
You, I wanted Penny to tell me. The one thing I got out of here was you.
“I think you’re right about the doctor too,” Penny told Anna instead. She flashed me a guilty look. “It’s been hard to talk about that with you, given my work situation and all. But my parents have never treated me like their property. You deserve much better, Helga.”
Where could I even get “better treatment” from? Who would even treat me like a human being? I was tethered to Father. I was in this very world because of him.
We were all quiet. The computers hummed. The Cogs gurgled. I’d almost completely forgotten that I’d meant to come in here and destroy everything.
Outside the door, I heard a pair of footsteps. Someone was coming, maybe security guards. I should’ve run when I still had the chance.
“Umm, my family is rich,” Anna said, her voice laced with guilt. “They could probably help you get a good lawyer. I want to help you, Helga.”
“My father will help me,” I insisted. He had to.
My heart raced as the footsteps drew closer. I looked around the room for things I could throw in front of the door. I could make a blockade out of steel surgical tables. I could even hoist poor Hugo up against it for added weight.
Maybe I could form my own exit. Punch my way through drywall. It was still possible I could escape.
But there was something familiar about those footsteps. I paused, suddenly unsure of what to do next. Anna and Penny flanked me like tiny bodyguards, their arms folded across their chests.
He entered the passcodes and walked through the door. Other than his beige trench coat being slightly crumpled, Father looked the same as always. Stiff and unreadable.
“Penelope,” he said crisply, holding out his hand. “Return your work badge.”
“Sure thing,” Penny said. But instead of putting it into his hand, she dropped it onto the floor, where it clattered loudly. Father’s gaze moved from badge, to the puddle of ooze it had fallen in, to, finally, Hugo, who was unquestionably dead on the surgical table.
Father’s face tensed. I could see the muscles working in his jaw. “Marietta,” he began.
“Helga,” I whispered.
“You still haven’t changed,” he said. His hands were clenched at his sides. Even under the fluorescent lights of the lab, his expression remained hidden. “You have things so much easier than I ever did. I wasn’t born Uphill like you—I had to make my way here. This environment was one I could only dream of when I was young.”
But all being born Uphill had gotten me was some crappy clothes I hated and the unbearable expectation that I’d serve him at the lab forever. Then there was my growing awareness of how unfair the world was, thanks to places like this.
“This environment sucks,” Penny muttered.
“You suck,” Anna told him. Penny and I looked at her, mouths agape. Anna just shrugged. “What? I’m allowed to say it. I’ll just get a better internship somewhere else.”
Father stared at her. “So. You know about Marietta.”
He must’ve just gotten off his flight and come directly to the lab. He didn’t even have luggage. Maybe in his haste to help me, he’d left it at baggage claim.
“She’s not going to tell anyone,” I said. “Right, Anna?”
“I’m not going to tell anyone about Helga,” Anna clarified. She narrowed her eyes at Father. “But I might have a few words about some other people involved here.”
Father’s smile was a thin line. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I don’t think you understand. You’re just an intern; you haven’t lived long enough to know how this world works. Penelope, please talk some sense into her.”
“Dude, you just fired me,” Penny sputtered. “Also, fuck you.”
I could see the vein throbbing in Father’s temple. His temper was fraying. “I come back here and not only find a body on the table, but my daughter wearing clothes that look like they belong on a dirty corpse. I put my trust in you to take care of things, Penelope, but I see you’ve only been a bad influence. This girl here even knows about Marietta. What should I tell your uncle, who recommended you for this position?”
“These are Downhill clothes,” I corrected him. A surge of smugness flashed through me when he blanched at Downhill. “It’s because I hated the stupid Uphill clothes you made me wear.”
“You’re a horrible parent,” Anna said, folding her arms.
“And a terrible boss,” Penny added.
“You weren’t there when I needed you.” Tears welled in my eyes. “You were never there.”
Father opened his mouth to speak, but I had too many things to get out. He had to listen for once.
“I’m not Marietta, and I never was. I resent you so much for leaving me. For prioritizing your work over raising me. I resent you for not seeing me the way I am, but as an extension of yourself. I’m not your property. You can’t tell me what to do. I fucking hate—”
Before I could finish, Father’s hand brushed the back of my neck. I froze in place. He’d never touched me before. Maybe he did care, after all. Maybe he was about to apologize for everything. But then I felt fingers against my skin flap.
Before my world went blank, I heard Penny scream.