Ambulances and newscasters swarmed up the hill. I knew authorities would start questioning people. That rebuilding would follow more gradually. Maybe this place would even change and have a better plan in place for natural disasters in the future. But by that point, I’d be long gone.
It seemed safe enough to remove our goggles and sunglasses, so Penny dutifully took them back and dropped them into her handy black bag. Anna bought us plastic bead necklaces at a Night Market stall. I draped them all over myself like medals, and Penny did the same with hers. Around us, tourists were trying to document remnants of the disaster, taking zoomed-in pictures of the hill. There were pockets of collateral damage down here too—more fallen power lines and long cracks in the road, but it wasn’t anything like the catastrophe at the top of the hill.
At the makeshift carnival, none of the rides were operating. Downhill boys were clambering over the big metal structures. Kids were in ride compartments, playing hide-and-seek and giggling nervously, unsure if the danger was truly over.
I knew things weren’t finished. Even if I was done with Father, that didn’t mean that he was done with me. And if Institute top brass ever looked into what happened to the equipment beyond the natural disaster that finished the job for me, I was definitely screwed. Maybe Boss Lady would hire a hit on me for ruining her office. Who could say for sure? But at least there was today, and tonight.
And there was this—Anna fussing about my bloody stomach, Penny feeding me bites of her fried taro dumplings.
“You didn’t leave any for me,” Penny said, scandalized by my appetite. “What the heck, Helga?”
We were three to a seat on the immobilized Ferris wheel, looking over the cemetery. Father was nowhere in sight. My shoulders gave out. In this moment, at least, I was safe.
“This is too high,” Anna complained. “I don’t know why I came up here with you guys.”
Penny had gotten on first, pulling Anna up behind her while I watched from the ground. Together, they helped hoist me up, and even though I didn’t need the help, I accepted it gratefully. We could’ve jumped down from here and been fine, probably. But every time the seat creaked, Anna jumped and clutched at one or both of us.
“Are you really okay?” Penny asked me. She looked at me sidelong, tucking a bright pink strand behind her ear.
I was physically healthy, I guess. I wasn’t sure about the rest of me yet. I didn’t know what “okay” really meant at this point. I wasn’t sure if there was some standard setting I was missing because of how I’d been born. But at least I knew I was extremely content, being here with them.
Because being three to a seat with Penny and Anna was like eating the best bowl of soup dumplings. It was like wearing my favorite clothes all at once.
I hadn’t expected Anna to help me, especially not after our rocky start. But she’d stood up to Father when I couldn’t. Without her and Penny, I wouldn’t have even known there were other ways to be in the world.
My heart felt suddenly squeezed, and my cheeks were wet again.
“Um,” Anna said, “do you want a tissue?”
“Do you have a tissue?” Penny asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I could get one,” Anna squeaked. “If someone can help me down, that is.” Her face was pale and sweaty. Her dangly bow earrings swished back and forth, chiming in the wind. Her hand clutched the railing with a grip so tight that I worried she might break the metal, scrawny as she was.
I leapt down first, then Penny, then Anna. When I helped Anna down, her face turned bright pink.
“Wow,” she said, staring up at me like I was an unusually large stick of hawthorn fruit candy. “You picked me up like it was nothing.”
A smile escaped my mouth, despite everything. “I lift a lot,” I said modestly.
We squeezed through throngs of Uphillers and Downhillers and tourists alike, arms linked like a chain. The Night Market was packed with more bodies than usual since everyone on the island was avoiding the site where the eruption took place. It was hard to tell how much of Uphill would really remain after this.
A drunk guy was bragging about his speedboat at one of my favorite dumpling vendors. His beige trench coat was slung over one of his shoulders, revealing a crisp blue button-up. His dinner partner, a woman with perfectly coifed hair, leaned in on her elbows to listen.
I leaned in to listen too.
“She’s a real beauty,” he told her, swigging back another bottle. Ravens were already pecking around the cluster of empties he’d left on the pavement. “Sleek and high-powered. You can’t miss her in the harbor; she’s a real knockout with those blond wood panels. She reminds me of you, in a way.”
Anna made a barfing sound and tugged at my hand to leave.
“Maybe we can take a ride one of these days,” his dinner companion suggested. Her eyes were hungry.
The man’s mouth curled into a patronizing smile. “Maybe we could. When the first signs of the eruption occurred, my thought was heading down to my little beauty. Riding her off into the sunset.”
Penny sighed and rolled her eyes. A retort was on the tip of her tongue, but I shook my head. A little finessing was needed now. While the Uphiller continued to brag, I bent down and swiped the key hanging out of his trouser pocket.
“Damn,” Penny said, once we were a few feet away. I showed her and Anna the silver object before adding it to the end of one of my bead necklaces like a badge of honor. “You really took that?”
I shrugged. “That guy was being annoying.”
We ate our way through most of my favorite stalls. Anna tried her first deep-fried blackberry skewer and admitted that it was pretty good. Penny grabbed blackberry sodas, insisting she’d paid for them all.
“What about your debt?” Anna frowned. “I have family money, you know. It doesn’t do much good if I can’t share it with people I care about.”
Penny just shook her head. A sad smile tugged at the corner of her lips. “I’m not really worried about debt anymore. Forget it; I’ll never escape.”
“Penny,” I said sternly. Penny shrunk under my gaze. “Did you even hear what Anna said?”
“I did,” Penny muttered.
“Well?”
“I can’t possibly accept,” she sputtered. “I’ve gotta figure this out on my own.”
“How’s that working out for you?” I countered, while Penny fumed silently.
“That settles it,” Anna declared. “Penny, I’m going to make a call. You won’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“You can’t do this,” Penny protested. Her eyes welled with tears. “Jesus Christ, Anna.”
“I can,” Anna said, preening like a cat that had gotten into a jar of cream. “Because it’s fun for me.”
We took the long way to the Entertainment District, with Penny randomly bursting into fits of bewildered, happy tears every couple of blocks. Buses sped past us, honking furiously. My eyes roved over the crowds, watching for a stern, older Uphill man among them. I ducked away from cameras, covering my face with my hands whenever they were near.
Yeah, there were things to worry about. But I still had to enjoy what I could.
I stole from tourists and flirted with Downhill boys while Penny shook her head. “Call me,” I told a guy in leather pants, even though I didn’t have a phone number or a place to live.
“Damn,” she said. “Even now, Helga?”
“Yeah,” I told her, beaming. “What better time than now?”
My pockets were lined with bus tokens and thick wads of stolen cash. The silver key jangled merrily against my chest as I stomped over the cracks in the road, Anna and Penny at my sides.
“You flirt with a lot of guys,” Anna hedged. “Do you ever …”
“What?” I asked, because she was mumbling an awful lot. Even with my keen sense of hearing, I had no idea what she was saying. “Do I ever what?”
“Non-guys,” she croaked, like those were the last words she’d ever utter on earth before falling down dead.
Huh. I’d never thought about flirting with non-guys, now that she’d mentioned it. “Why not?” I shrugged, after giving it some thought. “Cute is cute.”
Anna instantly appeared revived. “Oh,” she said. And that was all.
Penny kept poking me in the ribs, but I had no idea why. She kept sighing a lot too, while muttering my name in disbelief.
We got on the bus just outside of the Entertainment District. My heart lurched when we sped past a man who squinted in my direction. I was almost afraid to look back at it—the thin figure wrapped stiffly in beige. Those eyes had been full of clear disapproval in the split second we’d made contact.
“It’s not him,” Anna muttered, under her breath. “Wrong hair, plus there’s no way he could catch up to us. Don’t worry.”
“Whatever you want to do,” Penny reassured me. “I’ll be there with you, I promise.”
I couldn’t shake the sensation that someone was watching me, somewhere in the crowd. Whenever I saw anyone in wire-frame glasses, my heart seized up.
The landscape melded into new shapes and forms the further we got from the heart of the city. The salt breeze of the Pacific carried; even in the bus I could feel it entering my lungs. Conversations coalesced—English and Mandarin and other languages intermingled.
Lights cropped up in the distance, one after the other. Little pinpricks against the gloomy sky.
“Seems like things might go back to normal,” Penny said. “The electricity’s been coming back in small pockets.”
Other buses trailed ours. A new one came every few minutes. Even with my vision, I couldn’t see who was in them.
I picked at my stomach. Blood came away under my fingernails. Scratching at my flesh didn’t reveal new wires or trackers, but it did confirm something: I was most definitely a living creature, because it fucking hurt. A lot.
A doubt crept into my mind. I couldn’t help it. My Cog was complex, and always searching for alternate routes and paths to take. Maybe I was just overthinking things.
Wind and rain beat against the windows. Passengers fanned themselves and pulled at their collars. I continued to stare out the window, at those other buses. A stupid longing had taken hold of me. Despite the pain, a plaintive wish emerged: I want my father.
I could run forever but I couldn’t quite cut the thread. I couldn’t completely sever him from my life. Just like I could never quite get the other Mariettas out of my memory.
They were all in me. The terrible realizations and experiences that shaped my life. They were in my skin and eyes and Cog. And heart. God, they were definitely in there too.
But pain wasn’t the sum of my existence. Far from it.
There was me climbing over buildings, and devouring everything I could get my hands on. There was the blackberry tattoo on my wrist that connected me to Penny. There were nights of glitter-filled revelry. And there were plenty of great days ahead; I knew it.
I didn’t know what the future would be like yet, but I was getting there, no matter what.
I didn’t know if Father would ever change, but I could live with that unknown. I had to.
The bus stopped at the edge of Amaris. Passengers fled for the airport, clutching their children and suitcases. I was sure some of them were never setting foot here again, not after the eruption. Penny, Anna, and I followed after them.
The wind rippled through my hair. My necklaces clattered and clashed. Anna took off her patent shoes and gingerly stepped where the blackberry thickets weren’t, her feet sinking down into the warm sand.
As before, I walked past the caution signs. Salt air breathed color into Penny’s face. Her grin widened when she saw the tip of the island. There were ravens everywhere. Other islands in the distance.
A big bird with bright black eyes stared at us, utterly unafraid. His black feathers were long and gleaming. He swooped into the water, retrieving anything he could get his beak into. There was already a row of his treasures beside him in the sand. Yellow-eyed fish, a sea creature with still-glowing purple gills, plastic detritus decades old.
Anna’s grip on the back of my overalls was tight. “Will it bite me?” she mumbled from behind me.
“No,” I said definitively. “But we should let it be.”
She let go of me and breathed out. “You’re probably right.”
Warm waves crashed against my feet. There was a lump in my throat.
“What will you do now, Helga?” Anna asked me. “Where will you go?”
The plan was still developing. Ideas frantically churned since the moment my soul mate project had failed. The options were limited, but that didn’t mean they weren’t good.
In fact, one of them—the most ideal outcome—might’ve even been the move for me ever since the day I woke up on that steel surgical table.
I tugged at the silver key around my neck, loosening it from the beaded necklace.
“Oh shit,” Penny said. She saw me looking at the ships near the dockyard.
“Wow,” Anna breathed. She looked faintly scandalized, but there was no disguising the admiration in her voice. “Helga, you’re so cool.”
I wasn’t done taking off my necklaces, though. I unclasped the choker and pocketed it. I ran my fingers along the new stitches Penny had added at the base of my neck. Over time, I knew these would heal.
“Can I see it?” I asked Anna.
Penny and Anna both pulled their phones from their pockets. In the screen of Anna’s, I saw my small bump, hand-stitched by Penny. It wasn’t as big as I thought it might be. Also, there was something rather pleasing about it. The smoothness, the round shape. When I pressed my fingers against it, I felt my Cog, purring against my skin.
“I’m getting on the boat, and I’m sailing the fuck away,” I told them. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got this.”
“There has to be another way,” Anna protested. “Like, my parents can and will help. How are you going to live, Helga?”
“On one of the uninhabited islands. There’s plenty of fish around. Ravens have no trouble with it. So I won’t either.”
Anna still looked concerned, so I added, “It’s not forever. I just need to find somewhere to lay low until I come up with something long-term. And a warm island full of fish doesn’t seem so bad as a short-term landing pad.”
I was scared to see what Penny would think about all of this. I barreled on, trying to sound as confident as I could muster. “I’ve got a key to a boat and pockets full of cash in case I need to get more supplies. I’ll be fine.”
Tears ran down Anna’s face. Her black mascara was clumping. “At least take my bag,” she said, thrusting it into my arms. “I can’t come with you, but I want to help. You could sell it for a bunch, I think. It’s designer.”
Of course Anna had a designer bag.
I knew Anna couldn’t come with me. She was probably allergic to nature. My voice shook as I continued. “I should probably get going. Before Father or anyone from the Institute figures out what I’ve done.”
Penny shoved me in the arm. “You ass,” she said.
“Excuse me,” I told her. My ears were hot. “I’ve been through so much, and you’re calling me an ass?”
“You think I’m not coming with you?” Penny scoffed. “Maybe you do need your Cog examined.”
Penny did look pretty mad. Her arms were folded. Her chin jutted out.
“But you might get hurt,” I protested. “There’s not going to be an apartment for us or market vendors. I’ll be fishing and like … making a hut out of wood. It’s going to be a lot.”
“I don’t fucking care,” Penny said. She showed me the blackberry tattoo on her wrist. “You’re part of my life now, sorry. I can learn and adapt.”
“But why?” I managed to choke out, through the tears. “Why would you do this?”
“If the world ends, I don’t want to be Uphill, doomed in a cycle of working forever with nothing to show for it. I want to be with you,” Penny said.
My heart thudded. Distantly, I could hear Anna crying. Beyond that were the sounds of planes taking off and landing, and a foghorn resounding somewhere in the water. I reached out clumsily, and through the tears there was Penny, waiting for me. She pulled me into a hug.
“I’m screwed without you,” she said. “So don’t you dare let me die.”