The Health Benefits of Doing Life with Others
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
C. S. Lewis
This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12–13
The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. That sentence is worth repeating. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. Do you believe that is true? Do you live as if it is true? Do you invest deeply in healthy relationships? Or do you skim the surface? Do you allow yourself to be fully known? Or do you hide? Do you take the initiative to make plans with friends and family? Or are you more of a loner? Your approach to relationships will largely direct the course of your life.
God designed it this way. He created us with a need to be in relationship with others. That is why a lack of good relationships leaves us with a terrible feeling—loneliness. Loneliness is a danger sign. It is the body’s way of telling us that if we don’t connect with others soon, we are going to be in trouble. It is a warning flag telling us that something important is missing.
As we dig further into this idea of complete health in Christ, built on the foundation of spiritual health, you need to understand the connection between the quality of the relationships you have and the quality of your health. Studies show that loneliness, if left unchecked, can cause some significant physical, mental, and emotional health problems. Loneliness raises the levels of stress hormones and inflammation in the body, which increases the risk of heart disease, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, and many other ailments. People who are lonely often overeat, drink to excess, exercise less, and suffer from higher incidents of depression. They also suffer from much higher rates of suicide.1
Loneliness has been linked to cognitive decline and is now thought to be a predictable precursor to dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. A recent study that examined eight thousand participants every two years for a twelve-year period found that those who struggled with increasing feelings of loneliness had the highest instances of cognitive decline. On average, these people experienced a rate of decline that was 20 percent faster than that of people who did not feel lonely or isolated.2
None of this should be surprising. God spelled it out for us in the first book of the Bible. After creating the earth, the animals, and the first human being, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). So he made a companion for the man, creating the first human relationship. And throughout Scripture, God gives us his insight into how to nurture and grow quality human relationships. Quality is key.
The interesting thing about loneliness is that it is a subjective emotion. It doesn’t have much to do with the number of relationships in your life but with the quality of those relationships. Loneliness isn’t based on whether you live alone or have family close by. Marriage isn’t the cure, and neither is children. Loneliness is determined by whether or not you feel alone. You can feel alone in a marriage if your marriage isn’t supportive. And you can feel supported and loved while living alone if you have a network of healthy relationships. As one study of this phenomenon concluded, “People can be socially isolated and not feel lonely; they simply prefer a more hermitic existence. Likewise, people can feel lonely even when surrounded by lots of people, especially if the relationships are not emotionally rewarding.”3
Let us repeat once more: the quality of your life will be determined by the quality of your relationships. And now we could add that the quality of your health will be largely determined by the quality of your relationships. Undeniably, developing good, fulfilling relationships is crucial to your overall well-being. So how can you get started? By developing the habit of friendship.
The Habit of Friendship
Healthy, supportive relationships don’t happen by accident. They take intentionality. They take a decision to practice the habit of friendship. Being proactive in your friendships makes a world of difference in the quality of your connections with other people. The effort is definitely worth the reward. Here are some ways to practice the habit of friendship:
Let’s take a look at each one in more detail.
Make Friends by Being a Friend First
You have to be a friend to have a friend. Have you heard that little piece of advice before? It couldn’t be truer. Most of us spend a great deal of time and energy looking for people who will listen to us, accept us, share our point of view, be there for us when we need them . . . and yet we spend little energy thinking about how we can do these things for other people. We have to be a friend first by being intentional about offering friendship to others. The apostle John put it this way: “Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions” (1 John 3:18).
Your actions toward the people in your life will show whether you are truly being a friend or whether you are just on the lookout for someone who will be a friend to you. Ask yourself these questions:
Talk is cheap, as they say. Saying you are someone’s friend doesn’t require much sacrifice—but being a good friend does. Being a friend is an intentional choice to love, day by day. In the words of Jesus: “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12–13).
Choose to Enjoy Life with Your Friends
We know you are busy. Between work, family, and other obligations, you probably have a hard time squeezing anything else in. Unfortunately, when life is hectic, time spent hanging out with friends is the first thing to go—but it shouldn’t be. To create and maintain healthy relationships, you have to be intentional about scheduling time to enjoy life with your friends. Take the time to grab lunch or dinner, see a movie, or go for a walk in a nearby park. Catch up with each other. Relax. Laugh.
Hard work is a given. There are bills to pay and mouths to feed. But you get to choose how much fun you have. You get to choose how you balance work and play. Much of your happiness is a result of the time you allow yourself to spend enjoying life, especially with other people. You need to be able to break away from the stress of the everyday and make time to enjoy being with friends.
Time is the heartbeat of every strong friendship. Without it, distance slips in, effort begins to dip, and friendships that were once strong start to dry up. Not only is this bad for the relationship in question but it is also bad for your physical, mental, and emotional health. The best way around the problem is to begin putting time with friends on your calendar, just as you would a work meeting or a school event. Simply writing down when you are going to see your friends will help you make a subtle mental shift to seeing that time as nonnegotiable.
Friendships flourish through shared experience and by spending unstructured time together. Neither of these things will happen by default. You have to be intentional about spending time enjoying life with the people who matter to you.
Support Your Friends in Both Good Times and Bad
Do you have people in your life who encourage you to be your best? Do you have friends who are there for you when life is hard? Do you support other people when they need you and share in their happiness when things are going well? Studies show that, despite our overly connected world, the number of true confidants people have has been steadily dropping over the last few decades.4 While we may have many friends on social media or many casual acquaintances, we aren’t living life with our friends as well as generations past.
You need to have people you can really talk to and be yourself with no matter what is going on, and your friends need you to be there when things are happening in their lives. Paul put it this way: “When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours” (Rom. 1:12).
A certain phrase is often used in Christian circles: do life together. Doing life together is exactly what it sounds like—finding a group of friends you can walk with through life’s ups and downs, friends you can encourage and be encouraged by. These are friends you can call on a Friday night to go grab pizza with. These are friends you feel comfortable having over, even if there is a pile of laundry on the couch and you are in the same T-shirt you slept in. When something is wrong, they are there for you and vice versa. There is no pretense, simply a mutual desire to be and have the type of friends we all need.
We all want to be known. We don’t want to have to perform and make good impressions in our friendships. We want to be able to be ourselves and to be accepted for who we are. Again, developing the kinds of relationships in which this can happen takes intentionality. Sometimes it takes stepping outside of your comfort zone and taking a risk. But the reward is sweet.
Take the Risk of Making New Connections
Take a step back for a minute and think about the friendships in your life. Can you say that you have the types of friendships we have been discussing? Do you have friends with whom you would feel comfortable developing a deeper, more meaningful, more trusting relationship? Most people don’t. Most people feel the void of these kinds of connected, growing, encouraging friendships.
In the last chapter, we talked about why it is so important to get connected to a healthy, local church. Your need for strong relationships is one more reason. Most churches offer small groups—and small groups are the best way to begin growing friendships with like-minded people who are also looking for a few good friends to do life with. If you aren’t familiar with the concept, a small group is simply a group of ten to fifteen people who get together on a regular basis to learn more about God, create connections, and have some fun.
Getting into a small group is not a guarantee that you will suddenly have great relationships. But you will find yourself surrounded by people who care about you, people who are on a similar life path, people you can be yourself around. You will find people you enjoy hanging out with. You will learn to carry their burdens, and they will be willing to carry yours. You will have the opportunity to encourage them and receive encouragement from them when you need it. And through your small group, or maybe through a series of small groups (depending on how your church is set up), you will begin to identify the people you want to go even deeper with. You will find those friends you will look at a few years from now and wonder how you ever got along without them.
There is nothing wrong with being intentional about the places you choose to find friends. In fact, there is a lot right with it. And there is no better place to find others who will help you grow than in a church, among people who are all seeking after God and his best. Your health depends on it.
A Word to Introverts
I (Jennifer) know how intimidating stepping out of your comfort zone and joining a small group of strangers can be. I understand the hesitation, because I am one of you. I am much more comfortable on my own than in a room full of people, especially people I don’t know well. If you know joining a small group is important but are reticent, I have been where you are. But now that I am on the other side of countless successful small groups (and a few unsuccessful ones—it is part of the process), I couldn’t be happier I took the plunge into intentional community.
When my husband, Brian, and I moved to New York City in our midtwenties, we didn’t know anyone. We were in a new place with no connections. After a few months, we found a great, healthy church, but we still didn’t have any friends we felt a deep bond with. When our church started promoting small groups, I was torn. I knew we needed to join a group, but I didn’t want to join a group. My husband is a classic extrovert, so he was excited and ready to get involved. I decided to do what I knew was right, even if it made me uncomfortable. And I can’t tell you how glad I am that I did.
I joined a women’s group and went to those first few meetings with butterflies in my stomach. I probably didn’t say much. But soon the relationships began to influence me. I was surrounded by people I could relate to. I began to make friends. Another woman in the group and I went on to colead a group of our own a few months later. Then in the next few years, Brian and I were part of countless couples’ groups together.
Now, well over a decade later, the greatest friends in our lives are people we initially met through a small group. They are the people we have gone through so much life with—job changes, promotions, marital challenges, deaths in the family, births. We have laughed until it hurt together, cried together, vacationed together, grown in our relationships with God together. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Did we bond with everyone we were in a group with? Of course not; that is not even the goal. But groups helped us identify the people who became our people. And they helped us grow deeper in our walk with Jesus, alongside others on a similar journey. The same can be true for you.
An old cliché says, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” It couldn’t be truer. Even though you may be anxious, even though you may be uncomfortable, I can’t encourage you enough to take the step of getting involved in a small group through your local church. You need intentional, healthy relationships for your own well-being as much as everyone you meet needs them for theirs. We are all in this together.
Taking the Risk
The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. A lack of healthy relationships in your life can cause significant physical, mental, and emotional problems. Friendships with other believers will grow and challenge you spiritually. They will increase your spiritual health, the foundation of your overall health and wellness. The evidence is undeniable. There is no good reason for you not to be intentional about creating healthier friendships—and every reason to do so. God can’t force you to make choices to develop the type of friendships that will produce spiritual growth. Once again, the choice is yours.
Is it time for you to take a risk? Is it time for you to step out of your comfort zone? You can do it. As you take this journey toward complete health, make quality relationships part of it. What you gain will be more than worth what you have to venture.