The Necessity of Rooting Out Bitterness
As we pour out our bitterness, God pours in his peace.
F. B. Meyer
Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.
Hebrews 12:15
Let’s begin with a shout-out to all you beautiful people who are blessed with a green thumb. I (Jennifer) am not. If I am being honest, I hate gardening and yard work. I will admit it. While I want my lawn to look nice, keeping up with it is just not one of my favorite things, as Julie Andrews would say. Since I don’t get any pleasure or relaxation from tilling, planting, and the like, whenever I do these things, I always end up feeling I should be doing something else. Then I end up frustrated that not only am I doing a job I really don’t want to be doing but I am also taking time away from other things that are much more in my lane (but that is another topic for another day). The thing I hate the most is pulling weeds.
Weeds are the worst. No matter how often you pull them, more always spring up, trying to choke the life out of everything around them. If left unchecked, they will devour any healthy growth close by. A thoughtful gardener—one much better than me—painstakingly pulls the weeds out by their roots, one by one, to make sure they don’t have the opportunity to sabotage the good plants.
Even though I do not enjoy weeding, I do recognize how important it is—and how similar it is to the work we need to do to keep our emotional lives healthy. If we aren’t careful, weeds will begin growing inside us. And just like the weeds in a garden, they will work to choke out the beauty around them. They can destroy our relationships, our emotional well-being, our intimacy with God, and even our physical health. Bitterness and unforgiveness in particular are deadly weeds. In fact, unaddressed bitterness is one of the greatest health risks we face.
You may be thinking to yourself, I can skip this part. I’m not bitter. Unforgiveness isn’t a big problem for me. Hopefully, you are right—but you would be a huge exception. You likely have small weeds of bitterness sprouting in your heart that you don’t even recognize. Take this little litmus test: How do you feel when you hear that someone has made an unfair comment about you behind your back? What about when a family member or a coworker doesn’t do something they said they would do? Or when a friend hurts your feelings? Do those things just roll off your back? You may say they do, but deep down they hurt. To pretend otherwise would be to deny the reality of your humanity.
While in seminary, I (Nelson) became friends with an older pastor who had been in ministry for many years. I was young and on fire for God. I was completely naïve about the problems pastors face during long years of ministry. While I respected this mentor of mine and learned a great deal from him, he also became a cautionary tale to me. Over the years, he had grown into a negative, bitter man. He couldn’t see the bitterness in himself, but it was clear to me. I remember praying, “God, help me stay positive and passionate for you. Don’t let me grow bitter.” At the time, I didn’t realize how powerful bitterness could be.
Over the last thirty years, I have learned just how easily these weeds can spring up and take root in an unexamined heart. At one point, I found myself heading down a similar path as my mentor. I could feel unforgiveness and bitterness getting comfortable within me. I could sense small changes in my attitude that I knew weren’t healthy or Christlike. Thankfully, through a lot of prayer and through a key friendship with Steve Reynolds (author of the excellent Bod4God book), God showed me how to turn my heart back toward grace and forgiveness.
Bitterness is a troublemaker that creates curmudgeonly, unhappy people. The Bible goes so far as to call bitterness a root (Heb. 12:15). In other words, just like a weed, it lodges in your core, begins to choke the good in your life, and leads to unwanted outcomes. Bitterness causes unsuspecting, well-intentioned people trouble in all the areas that are key to overall health and wellness:
Bitterness and unforgiveness cause specific biological reactions within the body that include adrenaline and cortisol secretions, immune suppression, and increased blood pressure. Elevated cortisol levels tend to cause fat deposition in the abdominal area that is referred to as toxic fat. As the name suggests, this fat is linked to the development of cardiovascular diseases, including heart attacks and strokes. Since toxic emotions lead to toxic fat, letting go of bitterness and learning to forgive are not only helpful for weight loss but could also save your life.
Strategies for Keeping Bitterness Away
Your body was not created to carry bitterness. Allowing the negative emotion to linger is like drinking a poisonous concoction. You may not feel the effects at first, but over time, they will destroy you. Therefore, learning to avoid and overcome bitterness is key to living a happy, healthy life. Here are some strategies for keeping bitterness away.
Expect Painful Relationships
Your relationships with other people will be the source of both your greatest pleasure and your greatest pain. No one is perfect—and it shows when we get close to one another. Take a look at what the prophet Jeremiah wrote: “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jer. 17:9).
We are all flawed. We are going to let one another down. We will disappoint one another. We will make one another angry. The grace of God is the only thing that keeps hurtful failings and disappointments from happening any more than they do.
Since we are all imperfect human beings, we have to learn to expect pain in relationships. If we think our connections with other people are going to be rosy all the time, we are setting ourselves up for major disillusionment. We end up surprised when something hurtful happens, so we are more likely to respond with anger—which can trigger unforgiveness and plant the seeds for bitterness.
On the other hand, when we acknowledge that every relationship is going to have its share of problems, we are prepared when they come along and can deal with them more effectively. We can address the issue rather than turn against the other person. Remember, sidestepping surprise is one of the keys to maintaining emotional well-being (see chapter 13).
The people closest to us are those who can hurt us most deeply and the ones it is most important for us to forgive. This has always been the case. Even King David dealt with the relational pain that comes with a close relationship.
It is not an enemy who taunts me—
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you—my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we once enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God. (Ps. 55:12–14)
David was dealing with trouble caused by a close friend. Some scholars even believe he was referring to his son. If King David, a man after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22), had to deal with pain in his closest relationships, why would we think we could avoid it? Pain is part of every relationship just as thorns are part of every rose. When you accept that reality, you will be better prepared to handle the pain well when it shows up.
Choose to Rely on God and Stay the Course
During one of the most emotionally difficult periods of my life, I (Nelson) was facing some circumstances that had me completely on the defensive. I felt as if I was being attacked from all sides and wanted nothing more than to give up and run. During that time, God kept bringing this passage to my mind:
In my distress I prayed to the LORD,
and the LORD answered me and set me free.
The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear.
What can mere people do to me?
Yes, the LORD is for me; he will help me.
I will look in triumph at those who hate me.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in people. (Ps. 118:5–8)
Reminding myself of this passage helped me recenter my mind on truth. Think about the words “What can mere people do to me? The LORD is for me.” When you are able to keep that perspective and lean into your reliance on God, hurtful situations with those around you lose much of their sting. God gives you the strength to stand and face whatever you are going through, deal with it as it should be dealt with, and move on with a clear, healthy mind and heart.
As part of this, remember that nothing gets resolved without humility. As you rely on God in painful situations, it is important to have a high degree of humility. Whenever there is strife, our natural tendency is to blow up with pride and defend ourselves, try to prove that we are right, and insinuate that our perspective is the one most aligned with the way God thinks. What arrogance.
To keep bitterness from taking root in your heart, make humble a verb. Actively choose to let go of your need to be right. Be intentional about trying to see and understand things from the other person’s point of view. Decide to love, in spite of the circumstances. For God to be able to work in the situation and stop bitterness from seeping into your heart, you must be willing to humble yourself, rely deeply on him, and stay the course in the relationship.
Forgive the People Who Hurt You
Forgiveness. It is not always easy, is it? But as difficult as forgiving those who hurt you can be, doing so is crucial to your well-being. It is necessary if you ever hope to experience the fullness of life God has planned for you. After all, forgiveness isn’t a suggestion; it’s a command: “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Col. 3:13, emphasis added). Scripture says we must forgive others. There are no caveats or qualifiers—just the simple instruction to do it.
According to a study at Virginia Commonwealth University, chronic unforgiveness causes physical harm to the body. Every time you think of the person who wronged you, your body responds with powerful chemical reactions. Forgiving, on the other hand, actually strengthens your immune system. The consequence of not forgiving others and allowing a root of bitterness to grow inside you is much more costly to you than it is to the one against whom you are harboring negative emotions.
Still, forgiveness is difficult, especially when the wounds are deep. But one of the reasons it is so hard is that we misunderstand the true nature of forgiveness. We tend to think it is something it’s not. Here is what forgiveness is not:
Would internalizing these realities make it easier for you to forgive someone who hurt you? You are not saying the person’s actions were okay. You are not denying your own pain. And you are not at the mercy of whether or not they decide to apologize. Instead, you are proactively choosing to let go of unforgiveness and bitterness for your own benefit. If you don’t, that thing you are upset about will continue to hold power over you, influence your life, and harm your health.
The Process of Biblical Forgiveness
Once you understand what forgiveness is not, forgiving becomes easier. But how exactly do you go about it? You can begin by working through the three-step process of biblical forgiveness:
Let’s take a closer look at each of the three steps in this process.
Remember How Much You Have Been Forgiven
If you are struggling to forgive someone who hurt you, pause and remember just how much God has forgiven you. Think about the magnitude of God’s grace in your own life. Think about Jesus and the cross. Think about the gift of forgiveness he offers to every person walking the earth, no matter what they have done, no matter how undeserving.
Grasping the extent of God’s grace in your own life is the only thing that will give you the ability to show astonishing grace to others. Bitterness is a natural response when you have been wounded; forgiveness is supernatural. God alone gives you the power to forgive the seemingly unforgivable as you recognize the work he has done in your life and in the lives of those you love.
Release the Person Who Hurt You
Releasing someone who hurt you means letting that person out of the prison you have constructed for them in your mind. It means making a decision to stop dwelling on how they did you wrong and intentionally letting go of any bitterness that has worked its way into your heart. To get there, hand the situation and all the emotions associated with it over to God. Trust him to deal with it in the proper way. After all, he is much better equipped to handle these things. Once you choose to release your offender, you will experience a huge sense of peace and comfort.
This step is not easy. Holding on to the hurt can make you feel as if you are paying the person who offended you back for what they did. But you aren’t. Harboring anger and bitterness doesn’t do anything except allow the situation to continue holding you hostage, wreaking havoc on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While you may not feel like releasing the person who caused you pain, understand that this step is a proactive choice rather than the result of a feeling—and it is a choice necessary for your own healing and future well-being.
Reestablish the Relationship, as Much as Possible
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a requirement for moving past pain in a healthy way, but reconciliation has to be considered on a case-by-case basis. As Paul wrote, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18).
You can do your part by remembering how much you have been forgiven, releasing the other person, and doing what you can to prayerfully reestablish the relationship. But keep in mind that some relationships can’t or shouldn’t be reestablished. For example, don’t reconnect in a relationship that may cause you additional personal harm or expose you to any kind of emotional or physical danger. Be wise. Forgiveness doesn’t require putting yourself back in a questionable situation. (For more on forgiveness, go to NewYouBook.com.)
If you are going to avoid bitterness and all its negative effects, you are going to have to become a good forgiver. You will have to repeat the process many times as you move through life. So one of the greatest things you can do for your health and well-being is to make being quick to forgive a habit—a reflex, even. Practice generous forgiveness every chance you get. Consider this passage: “Then Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matt. 18:21–22).
Keeping the Weeds Away
Do you have a lot of weeding to do in the garden of your life? Do you have some roots of bitterness that need to be pulled? Remember, just like gardening, letting go of unforgiveness and bitterness is hard, backbreaking work, but it is work that must be done, work that is essential to your health on every level, work that will help cultivate a beautiful new you, ready to showcase God’s excellence to the world.