Each letter was identical: same typeface, same font size, same content. Short and sweet, straight to the point. Comply or die.
“To the ‘celebrity chef’ –
“You have played your part in the moral decline of this once great country.
“While Fanny Craddock was a ground breaker, showing her disciples how to run a home and maintain a stable family, the reputation of UK cooking has been soiled thanks to your vile television shows. Once the leaders in modern cuisine, we now lead the way in boil in the bag recipes.
“Through your swearing and overrated sporting claims; your record-breaking cooking times (ignoring preparation); your drunken, football related country-yokelness; your food-related innuendos; you are responsible for even countries like France thinking they have better quality chefs than us.
“Heed this warning.
“If within the next week I hear one more f*****g obscenity, one more ‘that’s what I call FAST-FOOD’, one more ‘ooh arr’ or one more ‘just look at my dumplings’, I will rain vengeance down upon you.
“Comply with this or be ready to face St. Peter.
“Yours sincerely
“An unhappy eater”
The typist picked up each letter in turn, folding them meticulously in half and then half again, before inserting them into the pre-printed envelopes. Someone needed to clean up the kitchen and the time was now.