Withering Heights stood imposingly on the edge of Moxley Park Gardens, a giant monstrosity of a concrete structure which, the designers claimed, represented the never ending struggle of the human race to find itself. Critics claimed Withering Heights looked like an oversized metallic cucumber.
Wortel pulled up outside Withering Heights and looked around for his back-up. Realising it hadn’t arrived, he decided he had no choice but to head in anyway. Wortel looked down the names listed alongside each suite and spotted Charles von Blimff listed against suite 45 on the ninth floor. And there was another name he also recognised. Fatima Jaffy.
Wortel spoke quickly to Fatima Jaffy who was more than happy to let him inside. With the entrance door released, Wortel made his way into the lift selecting the ninth floor. To Wortel it felt as though the lift took an age to reach its destination although in reality it was there within next to no time. The lift door opened and Wortel stepped cautiously into the hallway. He read the sign on the wall, turned to the left and headed towards suite 45.
As he made his way carefully down the hallway, Wortel noticed a stain on the carpet. Bending down he ran his fingertips over the stain and detected blood. With Suite 45 beckoning Wortel, he approached slowly seeing further blood spots pooled on the carpet outside. The door to Charles von Blimff’s suite stood before him and he edged closer putting his ear to the door. He strained to hear the conversation from within and although he could hear muffled voices the words were indistinct.
And then he heard a scream. And then another.
Wortel took two paces backwards and with all his might he threw himself towards the door which gave way sending Wortel hurtling inside. He scrambled to his feet and staggered from the hallway, past the dining area and into the living quarters. Victoria Plum sat in the middle of the room, tied to a chair, her mouth gagged. A trickle of blood ran from her lip, dripping from her chin and staining her shirt. Wortel saw her, noticed the look of fear in eyes and raced to her side pulling at her ties and ungagging her mouth.
“…Wortel…,” she retched, “…look out…”
Wortel heard the door creak and as he spun round he came face to face with Charles von Blimff, dressed from head to toe in tweeds, shotgun cocked over his arm.
“So very pleased you could join me DI Wortel. I have to say that when you burst through the front door just now I was a tad upset at the interruption, but actually I think things could turn out for the better. Do you like my residence? It has a certain quality don’t you think? I particularly like the decoration.”
Wortel looked around the room and saw the mounted heads of a rhino, a lion and a tiger and recalled how von Blimff had boasted about his hunting exploits the first time they had met.
“Shot them myself. I told you that I’m a great hunter. That’s how I was able to take out that muscle sprout so easily. He was so shocked.” von Blimff laughed out loud. “And to think I set the whole thing up myself. He thought he was meant to kill me when I was always going to kill him instead. Certainly threw you off the scent didn’t it.”
As much as Wortel hated to admit it, his attention had been distracted.
“So I assume that you sent the bunch of grapes to my house to kill me there as well?” asked Wortel.
“Oh no,” said von Blimff. “That must have been an order from your Loony Cow friend whatever his name is.”
Wortel sagged inside. Even if he survived this scenario, he had a Fatwa on his head from MadCow McBeef.
von Blimff recaptured his attention. “What’s the saying, kill two birds with one stone? Well, what about kill a plum, a carrot and an annoying protestor with a giant spoon and a bullet. Doesn’t have the same ring does it?”
von Blimff flicked his wrist and the shotgun locked into position. “Musa – come.”
The imposing figure of a fedora-wearing, giant six-foot plus banana ducked as he entered the room. In front of him he pushed forward Alexander Pine who was also gagged and bound. Musa pushed Pine to the floor. Victoria Plum looked in his direction and went to move to her former lover. von Blimff pointed his weapon at her and stopped her dead in her tracks.
“I’m sorry my dear but I can’t let you do that. You see I’ve been planning to frame our young friend here and I don’t want anything to prevent that from happening now. You see, everyone will think that he killed you and when they find the weapon on his person he will also be framed for the murder of Benedict and Darcy Blacktail and our dear friend Professor Partridge.”
von Blimff was centre stage and loving every moment.
“And you see, everyone will think that after you and he split he went into a jealous murderous rage. Add in this anti-GM propaganda and it’s no great surprise that he went on a killing spree. And this is where my good friend Musa comes into his own. He will be the star witness. He is going to claim that he saw you escape the clutches of our young man here and that you asked him to help you reach me. Musa naturally obliges a damsel, or should I say damson, in distress and here we are, only our young fall guy has beaten you here and, well, carnage ensues. You die, I shoot him and that’s job done.”
von Blimff had a fanatical glint in his eyes. “And then you arrived DI Wortel. So, how can I fit you into this story? Well, how about in the commotion I accidentally kill you too. Oh the regret I will claim. And of course, Musa here will back me up. It’s all quite simple.”
“Except it’s not, Mr von Blimff.”
von Blimff turned to Wortel. “I’m sure you’re trying to buy time, but do go on.”
He was trying to buy time. Where was his back-up?
“I’ve been to your office and I’ve found this report as well as your membership card. It seems AstraArms have been making a number of food items rather addictive. I’ve already called the station and told them so you might as well come in quietly. I know Professor Partridge wanted to back out – he told Victoria on his deathbed – it’s genius. You make normal day to day food and drinks addictive, everyone buys more to feed that addiction and you make an absolute fortune. And I’m guessing the new food tax is tied in here somewhere but that’s just my supposition. Yes, yes, it makes sense doesn’t it, it helps to fund the black hole in the Government finances. I bet that’s what you were agreeing with Chancellor Smith.”
von Blimff’s face hard hardened but Wortel hadn’t finished.
“And I’m pretty sure that Partridge called you about the blackmail threat he’d received and so you took action. Here’s the sad thing Mr von Blimff. Benedict Blacktail never sent the message. Travis Dwyer did and he has made a full confession. So this thing…,” he said, waving an arm at Musa, “…murdered the wrong people at your beck and call.”
Victoria Plum looked aghast. “Partridge was muttering about food addictions after he’d been attacked. I heard his last words but didn’t know what he meant. But he said Charles was in danger so I sent the note to the police.”
Wortel looked at Plum. “That’s not quite true Victoria. He was saying that von Blimff is danger.”
Tears started to run down Victoria’s face. “When the police asked me for a list of people who were at the club on the night Professor Partridge was murdered I saw your name on the list. But I knew you weren’t at the club and while the officers were busy I called you. You asked me to cover for you as you said someone was trying to frame you. You lied to me.”
“How could you? You told me to go to your country home and wait there until it was all over. And then he turned up.” Victoria pointed a finger towards Musa, “and before I knew what was happening he’d bound and gagged me and I was taken to Alex’s house under the cover of darkness. Alex was tied up when I got there. I think he enjoyed whatever punishment he’d dished out to Alex.”
von Blimff’s expression remained stony faced. “I am sorry you ended up in this Victoria, that was never the intention. But needs must.”
“What about Mum? Think of her. You said she helped save you after you lost Rosamund and Jasper.”
von Blimff rocked back on the spot, his eyes widening. “How dare you bring their names into this?”
Wortel sensed a shift in von Blimff’s tone and continued trying to buy time. Where the hell was the back-up? “Credit where it’s due though Mr von Blimff. The food addiction plan has worked out well. So which foods? No hold on let me guess. Those breakfast cereals?”
“Yes.”
“These new peanuts and crisps?”
“Yes and yes.”
“And that new bottled water which has just come on the market?”
“Yes.”
“What about Twigsticks?”
“No. They are just plain disgusting and I can’t even explain their sales figures,” said von Blimff wrinkling his nose at the thought of those hideous sticks of nastiness.
“But enough of this jollity,” cried von Blimff. “It ends now.”
Wortel tried stalling for one final time. “Oh before you do kill us all, you might like to know that we’ve also found the double A emblem on the bodies of the Blacktails. That ties you right back in to their murders.”
von Blimff looked at Musa who dropped his eyes to the floor. “No matter,” said von Blimff. “We’ll just say that Pine wanted to implicate me. It makes no difference in the end.”
He raised the gun and pointed it directly at Wortel and Plum. Wortel turned his back and closed his eyes as he shielded Victoria Plum from the impending bullet. The gun fired but Wortel felt no pain instead hearing von Blimff shout and curse. Wortel opened his eyes and turned back to face the gunman to see Fatima Jaffy wrestling on the back of von Blimff.
“I know you said to stay in my suite, but I bet you’re glad I didn’t listen,” shouted Fatima.
“I sure am, but look out.”
Musa moved forward and grabbed Fatima throwing her across the room. She crashed into the fake fireplace, her head hitting the brickwork knocking her unconscious. The shotgun was dislodged from von Blimff and, as he tried to regain his composure, Victoria Plum darted forward and kicked the weapon away from his outstretched hand. Furious von Blimff struck Plum across the face sending her stumbling backwards. Wortel caught the falling damson and steadied her. Musa raised his killing tool, his large metal spoon, aloft and prepared to swing. Alex Pine hopped forward and threw himself at Musa hitting him around the knees. Musa buckled and cried out in pain. Both man and banana got to their feet at the same time with Musa swinging the spoon in a violent rage glancing Pine on the temple sending him sprawling across the floor towards von Blimff.
Musa roared in anger, and stalking Pine across the room, raised the spoon once more. He moved forward with menace and stood above the bleeding body of Alex Pine. Wortel lunged at the giant Musa catching him firmly in the middle of his back. The disorientated banana swung the spoon missing Wortel and Pine completely before making contact with another.
Charles von Blimff cried out in shock as the spoon cracked the side of his skull, causing blood to ooze from his head as though a tap had just been turned on. He stumbled, tripping against the chair which had until just recently held Victoria Plum, and fell heavily into the wall. von Blimff slumped to the floor face-up, his breathing laboured. The wall continued to vibrate from the force of von Blimff hitting it, and as if in slow motion, the rhino head which was erected above where von Blimff lay wobbled forwards before falling from its perch, its horn piercing his chest killing him instantly.
The roar from Musa filled the room. He fell to his knees alongside von Blimff tears streaming down his face, his breathing sporadic as he gasped for air between sobs. Wortel grabbed the arm of Victoria Plum who was trying to tend to Alex Pine. As he pulled her away Musa turned and pointed the metal spoon at Wortel.
“Come on Victoria, we need to get out of here.”
Oranges and Lemons eventually arrived at Withering Heights following an unfortunate miscommunication which had seen them burst into a Bronte convention that was taking place in the centre of town. Once Oranges and Lemons had averted a riot at the Wuthering Heights Annual Convention involving over thirty Heathcliffes and a number of Kate Bush lookalikes, they raced alongside Moxley Park Gardens to the correct location.
Bickering with each other about the earlier mishap, Oranges and Lemons arrived at Withering Heights to see Wortel and Victoria Plum burst out of the building and start running into the park closely followed by a giant banana brandishing a large metal spoon. Realising that their little legs would never allow them to catch up, Oranges and Lemons opened the boot of their vehicle and grabbed the police issue space hoppers commissioned especially for officers with stunted limbs.
“Where are we going?” panted Plum.
“Preferably away from the murderous banana.”
“Okay smart arse, but we can’t run forever…well, I can’t.”
“Just a bit longer. Can you manage that?”
“It’s a case of having to isn’t it?”
“And then there’s some climbing involved.”
“Climbing? Are you for real?”
“Trust me. I’m a carrot.”
Boing, boing, boing…Oranges and Lemons were closing fast…
Wortel spied the fence in the distance. Another 400 yards at best.
…250 yards…but he sensed Victoria Plum was starting to flag…
Boing, boing, boing…
Musa could smell Plum. She was dropping back. He had her.
…150 yards…
“One last effort Victoria…please…”
Musa raised the metal spoon and swung the weapon. Missed.
Victoria felt the swish of the spoon near the back of her head. As she ran she looked over her shoulder to see how close Musa was…and in doing so she lost her footing…
….just 60 yards…
“We’re almost there…Victoria…VICTORIA…”
Musa saw her fall. She’s mine.
Boing, boing, boing…
“Not so fast, you treacherous banana,” screamed Oranges.
“Treacherous? That’s a bit melodramatic isn’t it?” queried Lemons.
They leapt from the police issued space hoppers and put themselves between Musa and Victoria Plum.
Wortel saw Oranges and Lemons put themselves in mortal danger to protect Victoria Plum. He was almost bursting with pride at his team.
‘Ah well, they weren’t the best recruits but I’ll miss them,’ he thought.
Musa was startled by the two little fruits standing before him. He went to go round them but they moved and blocked his path. Seeing Victoria Plum get back to her feet and stumble towards Wortel, Musa raised his spoon aloft once more.
Wortel and Plum began to run once more. They were at the fence. Time to climb.
Oranges and Lemons fought valiantly, with Musa needing three swipes of the spoon to fell the police fruits. He looked ahead; these pesky two had bought Wortel and Plum time. They were nearly at the top of the fence.
“What do we do when we get down?” asked Victoria.
“Follow the signs.”
“For what?”
“Dinner.”
“You’re thinking of your stomach at a time like this?”
“Not mine.”
“Well that makes sense. Ask a stupid question get a stupid answer.”
Bananas weren’t built to climb as Musa soon found out. As he struggled up the fence he saw Wortel and Plum head down a winding pathway.
He carried on climbing slowly, listening as he ascended to the strange noises that he was hearing.
Wortel found the small brick hut he was looking for and without hesitation grabbed a rock and smashed a window.
“What on earth are you doing Wortel?”
“It’s called breaking and entering. Don’t worry, I’m the police. Come on I need your help inside.”
Musa climbed down off the fence. He set off the same path he’d seen Wortel and Plum follow. He looked around. Where were they?
Wortel found the key he wanted. He’d asked Victoria to look at the map and she’d found where they needed to go.
They left the hut and were just about to set off when Wortel turned and shouted at the top of his voice.
“MUSA.”
He slipped off his jacket and let it fall to the floor.
“Come on Victoria.”
“What the hell have you just done?”
“We need him to know where we are. It’s the only way.”
Musa heard the call and started to sprint. He was soon at the hut, saw the broken window and then Wortel’s jacket. He sensed a trap, but he was in too deep to worry now.
Musa continued forward albeit more cautiously than before. The strange noises continued all around him but his senses were sharpened for Wortel and Plum.
Wortel followed the map and found the metal door he was looking for. He unlocked the door and entered with Victoria Plum following nervously, her hand gripping Wortel’s shoulder. They inched forwards, darkness making their progress more difficult, stumbling over hay bundles and walking into a tyre.
Musa came across the open door and entered. Working his way forward he found the tyre, moved around it and pressed ahead.
Wortel sensed his presence and coughed.
Musa stopped. He heard the cough, looked in the direction it came and just ahead he made out the shape of the two cowering food sapiens. Musa walked forward and came face to face with Wortel and Plum.
Standing before them he noticed how small they both seemed. The trouble was though, everyone seems small when standing before a six-foot banana.
The banana hitman spoke with a soft South African accent.
“DI Wortel and Victoria Plum. You have so nearly escaped but there is no way out from…well, I’m not sure exactly…where are we?”
“We are in the company of Kikatika. He is the giant silverback of Moxley Park Zoo and for your information he looks rather hungry and is standing right behind you.”
Musa smiled at Wortel. “A very old trick DI Wortel, a very tired, old trick, but not one I’m going to fall for.”
Musa raised the weapon aloft, tilted it behind his head and smiled as he began to swing the spoon towards the cowering food sapiens. But it stopped in mid air. A hand gripped his arm. A strong hand. A hairy hand.
Musa was spun around and was confronted by Kikatika. He looked at Musa, who started to back away. The spoon fell to the floor as Kikatika moved in for a midnight snack allowing Wortel and Plum to slip away with the sound of a banana hitman screaming for mercy ringing in their ears.