It Pays to Study Rude People
Mean people aren’t all bad. I’ve found that they can serve a quite useful purpose. You can study jerks as though you were a med student performing an autopsy, or a CSI agent studying a crime scene. Bad behavior can be fascinating if you observe it with objectivity.
Years ago I was checking into a hotel in St. Louis, late at night, with my two sleepy girls in tow. An older business type trying to check in before me was well worth studying. He thought he had a reservation, but could not prove it. When this guy learned that the hotel not only was not holding a room for him but was overbooked, he just went ballistic. My girls and I took a couple of steps back and watched the show.
We were in an ideal classroom for studying how not to behave when frustrated. (I did feel for Mr. Ballistic; it was late, and he was clearly crankier than my kids.) The lesson learned? Do the exact opposite of what this guy did, point by point. Stay calm, attempt to establish rapport with the person who might be able to help you over the obstacle, and if you go over the head of this person, try to be even nicer to the supervisor, manager, or boss. Oh, and don’t kick things. And don’t swear.
As I pointed out to my girls, even if the hotel staffers had been able to find this guy a room, why would they give it to someone who had just spent twenty minutes proving he was unstable? Wouldn’t it be logical for them to prefer to get him out of their establishment? Hotel staff routinely make amends for such booking errors or misunderstandings by finding the guest a room nearby and offering transportation and other freebies. Ballistic was not going to get a gift basket.
My girls learned quite a lesson that night. When it was our turn to check in, my youngest told the receptionist our confirmation number and then did something for which I’ll always be proud: she told the clerk what a great job she had done with that “mean man.” “I’m not sure what I would have done,” my girl continued, “but you sure did great.” The hotel worker told my daughter that her comments had made her night and that all the unpleasantness was worth it because she was able to meet such a sweet little girl. But wait, it gets better. Because we waited so patiently, the nice receptionist gave us coupons for a free breakfast.
So the next time you come across someone like Mr. Ballistic, slip into your forensics-lab role and put him or her under the microscope. Analyze and scrutinize with clinical objectivity. See what you can learn. You may not get a free breakfast out of your research, but I guarantee it will leave you feeling more detached, less scrooged, and maybe even like one of those cool crime unit agents on TV.