Advice Before Round 1
You probably think you have that scrooge of yours all figured out, given how much time you spend thinking about him or her. But have you really sized up your scrooge? A featherweight never intentionally enters the ring with a heavyweight, and so you should avoid similar mismatches. Dealing with difficult people is like boxing, without the violence (one hopes) and without Don King (one hopes). Both boxing and scrooge-management require finesse and footwork. So ask yourself a few questions about your sparring partner before getting into the ring.
For instance, from your prior experience of this scrooge, does he or she tend to go all fifteen rounds in a given match? Is this person driven by the need to have the last word? Will this conflict drag on until both of you are bloodied and exhausted? You might need extra training for all those rounds.
More importantly, is he or she basically a reasonable person or a wild card who might fly off the handle once you initiate the bout? You might not want to take any chances with such a person. Perhaps you could avoid the fight and shift the battle to your own mind, where a few adjustments in attitude, meditation, visualization, etc. would win the day.
My friend Janet is smart and eloquent. You’d think (since I too am smart and eloquent!) that the two of us would be highly successful at talking out our differences and devising solutions. Au contraire. In her eloquence, Janet tends to write novel-length e-mails about issues. Then I write back. Then she writes back. Then I write, “I think we’re done,” only to have her agree but then summarize the whole darn thing in a way I just have to write back and correct—which only starts the whole e-mail train rolling down the tracks again.
Furthermore, Janet has a crazy-making tendency to say, “Never mind, you’re right,” but in a tone that lets you know she is patronizing you and doesn’t really believe it for a second. I may sound like I’m describing a really difficult person, but in fact Janet has been a great friend of mine for a very long time. I love her. But I have had to conclude, in sizing her up, that discussing disputes is just not worth it.
We need to pick our battles carefully. Life doesn’t give us time to fight every match, even if we think we could win them all. Given the number of difficult people in the world, and in your life, confronting them all could become a full-time job.
Here’s an extreme example. Who hasn’t had a gripe with a big company? But if visions of lawsuits dance through your head, think twice. No matter how right you are, you might not have the time or money to make your case through the courts. The company no doubt has a team of lawyers and publicity and public relations departments ready to go. I love a good underdog story as much as the next person, but it is okay to let someone else be that hero.
The smart decision might be figuring out if there’s an opponent in your weight class who can correct the situation. For example, try dealing with a place of purchase rather than a manufacturer, or attempt to get satisfaction through customer ser vice rather than legal channels. Perhaps you could “bulk up” fast by getting a consumer rights organization, or some other entity, to help you fight your battle.
In the end, it’s not just a matter of sizing up your “opponent.” Take measure of the offense—or offenses—as well. You don’t need a mallet to squash an ant. As you consider this issue of proportion, why not sleep on it for a few nights? Slights can shrink as if by magic simply with the passing of a little time.
And last but not least, size yourself up. How much time and emotional energy are you willing to expend on the issue? Do you have more important things to worry about? If you’ve been tired or preoccupied recently, perhaps you’re a little unsure about your ability to see a situation clearly. If so, you might regret any action you take right now. Are you so competitive that you can’t imagine sitting out any contest? Take a break and see how that feels for a change.
Take a good long look at your “opponent,” at yourself and at the situation before you enter the ring. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find that most fights aren’t worth fighting. Why get your nose bent out of shape?