It drives parents crazy. You do your best to be fair, but your children insist on competing over everything! Why?
• A sense of fairness is innate. Research shows that even babies have some concept of parity. It seems to be one of the human mind’s built-in survival mechanisms to help us live in groups.
• They desperately want to know that you love them more than anyone else, so their survival is ensured. This is genetically programmed. Their genes want to know whom you would save if a tiger came marauding. If you love their sibling more, they’re toast.
• Children aren’t so different from adults. The entire legal profession is based on the human desire to be treated fairly. The problem isn’t that your children want fairness. It’s that they think you’re supposed to be Solomon and dole it out, but there’s no way both children will feel fairly treated by any solution any parent can devise. That’s not just because we’re fallible humans, but because children in search of fairness are motivated by fear, which is always irrational. Back to the previous point: They need proof the sibling isn’t being favoured, to ensure their survival.
So how can you deal with the whole concept of fairness without going crazy, and in a way that helps your children feel more secure and less competitive?
1. Empathize. Your child has big feelings about this issue. After all, at an unconscious level this is about her survival. Trying to argue your child out of her feelings won’t work. Acknowledging them will help her feel understood, which means she can stop fighting. This is the most important thing you can do to help your child with her feeling that things aren’t fair.
Instead of arguing: ‘Of course you get to go first sometimes, don’t exaggerate!’
Empathize: ‘It feels like you never get to go first, huh?’
Instead of explaining: ‘He’s older, so he gets to stay up later.’
Empathize: ‘You wish you could stay up later … It’s hard to stop playing and get ready for bed … I bet when you’re eight like your brother, you’ll love staying up later.’
Notice you aren’t agreeing. You might even be pretty sure that she went first last night. You’re showing her you understand how she feels, nothing more, and nothing less. If you think back to times when you’ve felt understood, you will understand just how great a gift this is.
2. Focus on what each child wants rather than getting hooked when they compare or compete. When your children accuse you of favouring their sibling, you know intuitively that this is a serious accusation. On some level, they’re saying you don’t have enough love and protection for them, since you’re using it up on their sister. Understandably, you can get hooked and argue about who got what. But that’s a battle you’ll never win. Next time:
Instead of arguing: ‘I did not give him more – see, you have the same amount!’
Acknowledge the need your child is expressing without reference to his sibling, and reassure him that there’s always more than enough for everyone: ‘It sounds like you’re ready for more noodles. Show me how much you want and I’ll dish them out for you.’
What if there aren’t any more noodles, or you aren’t about to give them seconds on dessert? In other words, your child thinks she’s been treated unfairly, and you can’t (or won’t) make it better by giving her what she thinks she deserves to make things fair? Address the perceived unfairness symbolically, by showering your child with love. That’s what she’s actually worried about, even if she doesn’t know it. So you might say something like: ‘Oh, no! His piece was bigger? I can’t believe it – this is terrible! Here I sat, making sure the two pieces were exactly the same, and you’re telling me my splitting skills are slipping? You know what that means. If your piece was even a hundredth smaller, that means I need to make it up to you – with a hundred hugs and kisses!’ You grab her and fill her up with love. You aren’t teasing her, or belittling her need. You’re actually meeting her real need – to be as important to you as her brother. You’re letting her know that there’s always more than enough love for her, no matter what her brother gets. And the laughter helps her work through any fears that were triggered by thinking that you secretly prefer her brother.
3. Give material possessions based on need; be sure love is limitless. If one child has outgrown her trainers and the other hasn’t, explain to all the kids that today it’s Asia’s turn for new trainers, and Amira will get hers when she outgrows her current pair. Be alert to help Amira past her envy when Asia struts in: ‘It can be hard to watch your sister get something new when you didn’t … Don’t worry, when you need shoes, you’ll get them, too. You know that no matter what your sister gets, there’s always enough for you.’ Then give her a huge hug. What she really needs is reassurance that you love her as much as her sister.
4. Don’t be afraid to treat children differently. Interestingly, several studies in which children were interviewed about how parents treat them and their siblings have found that kids don’t mind being treated differently, if they think the outcome is fair.1 They may give you a hard time because their brother stays up later, but they do understand that an older child gets more privileges and more responsibilities. In fact, you might want to talk about this with each child before his birthday. What new responsibility does he think he’s ready for?
5. Teach your children basic ‘legal’ skills so they can be in charge of fairness and you don’t have the impossible job of playing judge.
• One divides, the other chooses. As soon as your younger child is able to point, stop being the one to divide their treat, or even dish out their ice cream. That always becomes a contest over who gets more (meaning who is more loved by you). Instead, one child does the dividing or dishing (under your supervision), and the other child chooses who gets which portion.
• Put it in writing! Even before they can read, children have enormous respect for the power of the written word. Let them hammer out an agreement and help them put it in writing and sign it with their own ‘mark.’ ‘Gabriel and Isaiah agree that Gabriel always gets to push the lift button on the way up and Isaiah always gets to push the lift button on the way down, in any lift.’
(For more legal skills, see ‘Basic Negotiation Tools to Teach Kids’ here.)
6. Fill each child’s cup. The reason children compete is to ensure their survival in the face of danger and scarce resources. So your job as the parent is to love each child so he never needs to wonder if you might love his sibling more. That would be impossible, since he knows your love for him is limitless. In practice, that means:
• You seek him out for hugs and smiles, to look at the moths together out the window at dusk, and just to tell him you’re so glad you’re his mother.
• When he needs you, you show up. If your hands are full, you apologize and tell him when you’ll be able to tend to him; then keep your promise.
• You surprise him with little notes, favours, and activities. This takes some mental energy, which as a parent can be in short supply. One solution is to keep little notes on your to-do list, so that every week you do one small special thing for each child.
• You make time for Special Time and the other preventive maintenance practices. Sometimes you take each child, one at a time, for a special adventure on a Saturday afternoon. If they fight about who goes on the first Saturday, while the other kids have to wait until subsequent weeks, you can ‘sweeten the deal’ for the ones who have to wait by giving them longer adventures.
For more on staying connected, use the ideas on connecting with your child in Part 2 of Calm Parents, Happy Kids.
If I can’t be best at being best, I’ll be best at being worst!
– Adele Faber2
Most of us are tempted to compare our children. It’s natural, when we’re irritated, to think we’ll motivate our child by holding up the shining example of her sister. And when we’re impressed, the first thing that comes to mind – and out of our mouths – may well be a comparison. ‘Even your sister never got three goals in one game!’ The problem is that our comparisons reinforce the way we think about our children, and therefore shape the way we treat them. Maybe even worse, every comparison we make encourages our children to compare themselves.
Kids whose parents make comments comparing them to each other are more likely to compete and fight, and no wonder.3 They know whom they have to beat; it’s been made clear by hearing the comparisons: ‘Can’t you sit down and do your homework right away the way your brother does?’ You don’t have to compare to make your point to your child. Just say: ‘The rule is we do homework right after school before playtime.’
It may surprise you, but this is just as true for positive messages, which also set up competition. Your child may feel good when you say, ‘You’re my good boy … you never give me a hard time like your brother.’ But not only does your son now feel enormous pressure to be ‘good,’ he’s also now motivated to keep his brother in the role of ‘bad’ kid. How else will he maintain his special place in your eyes?
This jockeying for position is one reason that kids get into the habit of telltales, teasing, and antagonizing each other. One leading researcher on siblings, Judy Dunn, drives this point home, saying that in every single study that has looked at the way mothers relate to more than one child, ‘Differential behaviour shown by parents toward siblings is clearly implicated in conflict frequency … and the quality of the sibling relationship.’4
How can you break the habit of comparing your children? Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of Siblings Without Rivalry, say, ‘The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don’t like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behaviour. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.’5
So instead of: ‘Evan, you’re not doing your share to clear up; look how much your brother has done.’
Describe what you see and what needs to be done: ‘Evan, I don’t see you clearing up any of the blocks … they need to go into the box. Now.’
Instead of: ‘I wish your sister would practise the way you do. Your piano playing is so far ahead of hers already.’
Describe what you see and what you like: ‘Madison, I’ve been listening to you practise your piano for half an hour. I’m really impressed at how you just kept working at that hard part. It sounds so smooth now!’
If you pay attention, you’ll find that the comparisons begin inside your own mind. It’s easier to stop them there than it is when they’re on the tip of your tongue. Train yourself to reframe your thoughts as if you had only one child. So, for instance, if you find yourself thinking, ‘Harper just isn’t the student that Alyssa is,’ discipline yourself to reframe it as, ‘I’m concerned that Harper doesn’t seem to like school very much.’ You’ll notice that as you focus more on your child as an individual, rather than in comparison with his sibling, you’ll start to see more clearly what he’s struggling with, and where he might need your support – instead of just seeing him as lacking something that his sibling has.
Each child can feel she is special in the eyes of her parents. Children are constantly being compared. Most of their life they’ll be rated: grades in school, the batting order on the baseball team, races and games among themselves. The home is the only organization left that values a child for himself and not in comparison with others.
– Dr William Sears6
The human mind seems to have a tendency towards comparison, which, if we’re lucky, we learn to resist, as we grow in years and wisdom. Why go there? After all, there will always be someone who compares more favourably, and less favourably, in every category.
Children, though, are still defining their identities, which they do partly by comparing themselves to others: Yes, I am that, like her … No, I am not that, like him. So they’ll inevitably compare themselves to each other. When your child makes comparison comments, train yourself to respond by addressing your child’s value as an individual, rather than in contrast to anyone else: ‘Right now I’m interested in you, how you feel, what you want, what you do. You are my one and only Leila.’
This is especially important when children think their sibling was blessed with something they don’t have and desperately want.
‘Benjamin never gets in trouble at school the way I do … That’s because he doesn’t have ADHD. Nobody likes me the way they like Benjamin. Not even you!’
Most parents would respond to this by pointing out that Benjamin doesn’t have ADHD, so he has things easier. But that just fuels the jealousy. (‘WHY does Benjamin get things easy, when I have to suffer?!’) Instead, empathize and reassure your child that he’s more than enough, exactly as he is – without reference to his sibling. That’s what he really wants to know. ‘I could never love anyone more than you, Aiden … I know it takes a lot of effort to control yourself at school, but every time you do it, you’re training your brain and you’re getting better at it. You know, even though it’s hard to slow down that racing car brain and body of yours, you are very special to me and to the world, because you are the only Aiden exactly like you … I am so glad you’re you! I feel lucky that I get to be your mum.’
Many parents think the way to let each child shine is to encourage that child’s talents, while encouraging his siblings in alternate directions. That way, your musician daughter gets just as many accolades as her athletic brother. But the truth is, if one child is ‘the artist’ and one is ‘the athlete,’ you’re limiting each of them, you’re undermining their self-esteem, and you’re creating more sibling rivalry.
What do I mean? Think about your own life. In your family growing up, was one child the smart one? The pretty one? The other children couldn’t help but suffer by comparison, and may still be trying to prove their worth in that area. But the child who gets the starring role also suffers. First, she has to protect that claim to fame from other contenders, which creates some nasty sibling rivalry. Every achievement by her siblings threatens her. Second, the pressure is enormous. What if she isn’t so smart at some point? Will she still be good enough? Maybe better not take that physics class; stick to something less challenging. That’s why putting kids in roles undermines self-esteem.
The other big problem, of course, is that humans aren’t one-dimensional. Maybe you were the smart one and your sister was the pretty one, but really you’re both smart, and you’re both pretty. Why penalize one child because the other shines? Say your son is a better football player, but your daughter also loves the game. Or maybe she’s a talented pianist, but he also really enjoys playing piano, or yearns to try violin but is afraid he won’t measure up to his sister’s musical prowess. Why would you deprive either child of the joy that comes from exploring all of their talents and interests?
Tragically, we tend to carry our childhood roles into adulthood. In Siblings Without Rivalry, adult participants in a parenting group describe how their own parents unthinkingly cast them in various sibling roles as, for example, the ‘responsible’ kid or the ‘wild’ kid.7 Every time I read their comments, I’m moved to tears by the pain these grown-up children still carry with them. Labelling is never necessary to motivate children or to make them feel special. Labelling causes pain that can last a lifetime and drive a permanent wedge between your children.
1. Don’t let one child appropriate any given strength. Say, ‘You love football. You don’t have to be your brother. You’re a different person. You’re allowed to be yourself, and follow what you love. If you practise, you’ll always get better.’
2. Notice if you tend to assign roles by gender or age. ‘This is my oldest, and this is my baby.’ Actually, this is Grace and this is Hannah. Focusing on their position in the family reinforces those birth order tendencies that hand Grace the role of responsible, achieving oldest, leaving Hannah to carve out an identity as the social one, or the artist, or the class clown.
Or maybe you introduce them by gender: ‘This is my girl, Leah, and this is my boy, Aaron.’ What exactly does it mean to be a girl or a boy? Gender roles come with substantial loading in our culture. You don’t want your kids to think that sticking to their gender roles is an important part of what makes them lovable to you, especially when Aaron turns out to be a ballet fanatic, while Leah is passionate about basketball and maths.
3. Avoid labels altogether. Jonathan isn’t your ‘budding scientist’; he’s Jonathan, with all his many interests, strengths, and weaknesses. Let him pursue his passions as they unfold, rather than deciding his path by labelling it.
4. Appreciate each child uniquely, not in comparison to siblings. He’s who he is, not just his brother’s little brother. Instead of, ‘You’re throwing the ball almost as far as your brother,’ just say, ‘Wow! Look how far you can throw the ball!’
I’ve noticed that the more unconditional love I give each of my children, the more they are able to mirror that with each other. And the more I concentrate on truly being present in the moment with them, and not telling them what to do or how to feel, the more relaxed and supportive they are with each other.
– Brenda
All parents naturally want to celebrate their children. And all children deserve to be celebrated. This can be tricky, though, since the achievements of a sibling can be a hot button for children who aren’t feeling very good about themselves. Even for secure children, seeing how proud their parents are of their sister or brother can make them wonder if they’re valued as much.
But I don’t think the solution is to avoid celebrating your children. A far better answer is to make sure there’s enough celebration to go round! That’s because your children’s relationships with each other are actually strengthened when they acknowledge each other’s achievements. Research shows that one of the ways we feel connected to others is when they’re able to appreciate our achievements and celebrate when things go right for us.8 Remember the studies that found that children don’t mind being treated differently if they think their parents are being fair? Kids actually like it when their sibling who worked hard is praised as long as they think they’ll also be praised for working hard.9
So while it might take some sensitive guiding to make celebrating each person a part of your family culture, it’s a great way to help your children live the truth that their siblings’ accomplishments don’t take anything from them – and they can take familial pride in each other’s hard work and good fortune.
1. Toast each person’s achievements regularly at dinner. Be sure there are plenty of toasts to go round.
2. Expect kids to go to each other’s performances and big events, to wish each other ‘Good luck!’ and to say, ‘Well played!’ afterwards. Should they go to every game and practice? Not if you can avoid it, because that can be boring and fuel resentment. But the big ones? Absolutely!
3. Celebrate birthdays in a way that gets everyone involved. To avoid sibling jealousy, get the other sibling(s) involved in planning the birthday celebration, so they’re invested. The birthday child gets to decide what kind of cake, but the other sibling helps make it. All children spend the day, or the day or week before, making decorations. The sibling helps choose and wrap presents. And the birthday boy gets to choose a small present for his sibling, starting a wonderful lifelong tradition of giving something away on his birthday. Because much of the day is spent on family activities, everyone participates.
4. Don’t let one child ‘own’ an interest, as discussed above. If Alejandro always gets the lead in the school play, and Tomas finally got a bit part, be sure that Tomas gets toasted without reference to his brother. You don’t need to say, ‘If you keep working at it, you’ll be as good an actor as your brother.’ Just say, ‘And a toast to our pirate Tomas! You looked really scary on that stage, the way you were glowering at the audience!’
5. Be thoughtful about praise. Imagine your child bursts into the house and yells, in front of his siblings, ‘Mum, I made the winning goal!’ You’ll certainly want to empathize with his excitement and acknowledge his pride: ‘Wow! Tell us about it! … All your hard work is paying off! … You must be so proud of yourself … High five!’
But stay away from superlatives: ‘You’re the best football player!’
It might seem like ‘You’re following in your brother’s footsteps!’ would celebrate both children, but that can be a bit tricky, because it invites comparison. You can imagine him thinking, ‘Why isn’t anything I do good enough on its own? Why has he always done it first?’ and feeling that he needs to outdo his brother. In general, stay away from comparison and just celebrate each child for who he is.
Even if you’re really proud and can’t wait to share the news, don’t say, ‘Let’s call your dad!’ because you’ll be elevating the achievement in the eyes of his siblings. The key is that you empathize with your child’s excitement and pride, rather than trumpeting your own pride in his accomplishment. That means you don’t brag to Grandma in front of the other children either. Even if you boast about all three of them, they can’t help wondering if Grandma’s more impressed with Miranda’s straight A report card than with Camila’s mastering the cartwheel.
Can you tell your child later how proud you are, in private? Absolutely. Don’t miss that opportunity. Just leave siblings out of the conversation. He doesn’t need to hear that he’s almost as good at spelling as his brother – or – that he’s so much better at spelling than his brother. This is about him. And you’ll want to be sure he doesn’t get the message that your love is in any way dependent on his achievement. ‘I’m so impressed with how hard you worked at this … I’m not surprised that you won the Spelling Bee, with all that work, but I know the competition was fierce and I’m very proud of you! You must be so so proud of yourself.’
I just don’t understand what’s the big deal about who gets to push the lift button!
– Jody
Maybe because it lights up. Maybe because it controls where you’re headed. Maybe because it’s a scarce commodity – only one button to push.
But I think such a universal childhood conflict has deeper roots. Imagine you’re at a dinner party with your sister. The host asks her a question. She answers it, so gracefully and with such intelligence and passion that everyone at the table hangs on her every word. For the rest of the dinner party, your sister is the centre of attention. No one looks at you. No one speaks to you. All eyes are on her. Might you be just a wee bit jealous by the end of the evening?
That’s how your child feels when her sister gets to push the lift button. I know, the two situations aren’t comparable at all. But that’s still how she feels.
So how should you handle it when you enter a public lift and your children are screaming and pushing old ladies out of the way in their mission to push the button before their sibling?
1. If one child has already pushed the button and the other child is upset, empathize. Then ask the children to solve it. Say, ‘Cooper wanted to push the button, and Calden already pushed it. What’s a good solution?’ The first time you do this, you’ll probably need to offer suggestions. ‘How about if Cooper gets to push the Door Close button now to make the door close, and on the way down you’ll trade who pushes which button?’
2. If you’re in a lift often and this is a recurring argument, use this as an opportunity to learn problem-solving. ‘Every time we go to my office, you two both want to push the lift button. Every time, you fight about it. In our family, when we have disagreements, we work together to find solutions. So your assignment is to agree on a solution before we go to my office tomorrow.’
With younger children, you’ll need to stay part of the discussion. As children get older and more capable of negotiating with each other, you can say: ‘Please talk about this now. I’ll be excited to hear the solution you’ve agreed on, at dinner.’ Be sure the solution gets written down and posted on your family bulletin board where you can refer to it before you go to your office, until the agreement is a habit.
You can use this approach to solve any recurring problem. If your children squabble about who gets to choose the music in the car, coach them to find a solution, like keeping a rotation written on a clipboard in the car. Be sure to post the solutions, so the next time the issue arises, you have the agreement handy.
We’ve talked about most of the ways parents unwittingly foster competition between their children.
1. They side with one child against the other. ‘Stop picking on your sister!’
2. They compare their children. ‘Can’t you let me brush your teeth with no fuss like your brother?’
3. They label their children. ‘He’s the brainy one … She’s the little devil.’
4. They let their relationship with one child deteriorate so it isn’t as close.
But there’s one more thing that seems so harmless – and so useful in managing life with children – that most of us have tried it. Who hasn’t been tempted to motivate our kids by pitting them against each other? ‘Whoever gets into pyjamas first gets the first bedtime story with Mummy.’ But this approach habituates your children to competing with each other for your love. And, of course, one child will always be the loser, which fosters resentment and more competition. Do you really want the soundtrack of your family life to be a never-ending chorus of ‘I won!’ … ‘No fair!’ … ‘I’m first!’ … punctuated by the wails of the ‘loser’?
Card games, board games, tag, softball, whatever competitive effort we try ends in someone crying and melting down under the stress of losing, or even the potential for losing.
– Nora
Most parents love the idea of a family game night. What a wonderful opportunity for sibling bonding! Then reality sets in. Most games have only one winner. That means you’re guaranteed at least one meltdown, and maybe more. All kids have a hard time learning to deal with losing.
I think a certain amount of upset about losing is to be expected, and honoured. As long as you empathize, and as long as a particular child isn’t always losing, the experience of losing, and learning that life goes on and the sun comes out again, is actually a good one for kids. It builds resilience.
However, there are some ways that you can help your children with these feelings, and make games more enjoyable for everyone.
1. Make losing more palatable. For instance, one helpful rule for games is that the winner always has to clear up the game, which is at least some consolation for the loser. (Since the winner is glowing with victory, he won’t mind at all, especially if you help.)
2. If you have a child who often loses, play on a team with her.
3. Find games that require teamwork, instead of competition. Research shows that children who play cooperative games are more cooperative and less aggressive and competitive than kids who play competitive games.10 There are wonderful cooperative games now, like Max, Count Your Chickens, and Forbidden Island, that provide fun sibling bonding while they teach children cognitive skills and emotional skills. By contrast, games like Sorry! actively encourage children to undermine each other as part of the strategy.
4. Discourage gloating. ‘It’s fine to be happy that you won, but that sounds unkind … Our family rule is that we treat each other kindly … A Happy Dance when you win isn’t good sport-personship, no matter what you see professional athletes do.’ Emphasize that while winning is always gratifying, your family plays to have fun and to enjoy each other.
5. Kids need to have the experience of winning, since so often in their lives, they feel like they’re losing. With peers and siblings, and in life, a child is bound to lose often. So when you play with him, let him win. This can be hard for parents who are naturally competitive. I’ve had many fathers ask me how their kids will ever learn to ‘play fair’ if we let them win. But consider that every time you as the parent win against your child using your greater size, strength, and experience, it’s patently unfair. What’s more, your child feels like a loser. Not surprisingly, he’ll turn around and aggressively seek to make his sibling feel like a loser.
At some point, he’ll be old enough to ask if you’re really trying. Say, ‘You don’t think I’m trying hard enough?! Okay, I’m going to try even harder! Watch this!’ And step up your game a little. Gradually, you’ll move to playing full out, and eventually, your child will win against you, fair and square – and with his self-esteem intact.
6. Help kids work together to agree on rules. Children often get irritated at younger siblings who don’t play by the rules. It helps to teach them that little ones are still learning about rules and aren’t trying to ‘cheat.’ You might say to the younger child, ‘Your brothers are saying they want to play by the real rules today, and you seem to want to play by rules we’ve never seen … Are those Santiago’s Silly Rules? Do you want to play this game by the real rules with your brothers, or do you want to come in the kitchen with me and help me make the sandwiches?’
7. If your child habitually cheats, play with her one-on-one and get her laughing. Aletha Solter, author of Helping Young Children Flourish, says that, ‘Cheating is a way that children communicate their need for assistance with feelings of incompetence.’11 Let your child cheat as she plays with you, and pretend that you don’t see the cheating, but loudly lament about how badly you’re doing and express bewilderment about why you’re losing. Your child will laugh with delight, which is healing for all those feelings of ‘not being good enough’ that drive her to cheat. After winning a few games like that with you, she’s less likely to cheat with her siblings.
8. When children are unevenly matched, suggest they consider giving the younger child a head start or special bonus like the right to do something again to make up for the difference in experience and age.
9. Get kids laughing about winning and losing to defuse the tension. Most children feel upset when they lose; it triggers the universal anxiety that they’re secretly failures who will never be good enough. Laughter alleviates that anxiety. How can you get your kids laughing? Lawrence Cohen, in his book Playful Parenting, suggests that you moan every time you roll the dice and don’t get the number you want … moan when one of the other players does well … moan when you lose the game.12 (Make sure you always lose the game.) I would add that you want to do this in a way that gets your kids laughing, not feeling guilty that you lost. Giggling about your losing doesn’t make kids mean. It helps them work through their own fears and makes them more gracious when they lose.
Some competitive feelings come from children’s awareness of their birth order. Even if parents try very hard not to give the oldest special privileges and the youngest more attention, kids often perceive themselves as having gotten the short end of the stick because they aren’t the oldest, or the youngest. However, most researchers now believe that children’s inherited temperament has more influence on their personality than their position in the family.13 And – good news for parents – your child-raising style can ameliorate birth order effects. As Dr Todd Cartmell reminds us, ‘Birth order effects are not the result of your child’s innate temperament, but are the result of your child’s experience as the older, middle, or youngest sibling in your family.’14 In other words, how we as the parents treat our children is the source of at least part of what we think of as birth order effects.
So we can lessen any negative effect from birth order by seeing and valuing each child as an individual, and by making sure that each child gets the attention he or she needs. Is that easy? No, since all parents of more than one child are short on time. But consider how your thoughtful interventions can support each of your children:
1. Oldest children tend to be more responsible, more worried, and more likely to want to please parents by following in their footsteps. Parents can support older children by empathizing with their upsets rather than expecting them to always act ‘grown-up,’ helping them laugh to reduce anxiety, encouraging them to pursue their own passions, and remembering that all children need to be babied at times.
2. Middle children often feel less valued because they don’t have a specific role in the family, and they tend to receive less parental attention, so they may act out. Parents can support middle children by not getting irritated with this acting out, but instead seeing it as a cry for connection and prioritizing one-on-one time with the child.
3. Youngest children tend to carve out whatever space is left after the older children have defined themselves, so they’re more likely to excel socially or in the arts. Parents can support youngest children by giving them responsibility and taking their opinions and interests seriously. Youngest children also need to experience social relationships in which they’re the older or more responsible child, since they often feel they have less power in their sibling relationships.
If you’d like more ideas on how to support each of your children through the unique stresses of being the oldest, youngest, or middle child, you can find articles on birth order at AhaParenting.com.
Almost every discouragement in childhood springs from the feeling that someone else is preferred.
– Alfred Adler, one of the founders of modern psychology
Many parents find one of their children easier to appreciate. Given how much your child wants to know that you love her more than anyone else, if she’s your favourite, why not just imply that?
1. Your child would feel terribly guilty towards her siblings, which isn’t a good foundation for a close sibling relationship.
2. Your child might feel that she needs to undermine her siblings in order to maintain her favoured position.
3. Your child would probably wonder if you’re telling the other child that he’s your favourite, too, which undermines her trust in your love.
4. She might tell the other children during a fight. Even if she didn’t, you can assume they’d pick up on it, which would be devastating for them for the rest of their lives, and would prompt them to make her life miserable.
So this is one case where what your child wants – to know that you love him most – is not what’s good for him. What he does need is to know that you don’t love anyone else more. Remember the two things every child with siblings needs to hear? (Right, you couldn’t love anyone more, and no matter how much love his sibling gets, there’s more than enough for him!)
What if there’s one child with whom you just don’t feel as close? Maybe this is the one who’s always resistant, who pushes you away, who holds a grudge. Maybe he reminds you of your ex, who was dishonest or cruel. Maybe she’s simply difficult. I want to take this opportunity to make an impassioned plea to you. Every child needs unconditional love from his parents. Unconditional means just that – there are no conditions. Not, ‘If only you wouldn’t give me such a hard time …’ or ‘If only you were a bit more like your brother.’ Unconditional. Your child did not ask to be born and he did not ask for the genetic loading and environmental conditions that shaped him. Sure, he could make better choices, and I’d share your happiness if he didn’t give you such a hard time. But every child deserves parents who are 110 per cent in his corner, even if he has a brother who’s easier in every way. He needs your unconditional love to make the most of his unique gifts. I’ve talked to so many adults who felt that ‘Mum [or Dad] always loved my sibling best’ and were wounded for life. Don’t let your child be one of those people.
What can you do if you notice that one of your children is coming up a bit short in your affection?
1. Consciously look for the positives, and tell your child what you see. ‘I love to watch you play football!’
2. If you can’t find anything positive at this moment, find something in the past. ‘Remember that time when you were so brave about …’
3. Start spending more time with the child to whom you feel less close. Design positive, fun experiences that you can have together. Find ways to laugh together daily.
4. When you catch yourself making a negative judgement, even in your own mind, stop and reframe, to find the positive. ‘Why doesn’t he ever stop moving?!’ becomes ‘He’s going to accomplish a lot in life with all that energy.’
If you find you really have a hard time with one of your children, don’t wait. Get professional help. Each child you have deserves your unconditional love. Each one deserves to be your favourite.