“OK,” said Zsa-Zsa, “so … you’re a boy.”

“Yes,” said Malcolm.

“And … now you’re a cat.”

“Yes.”

“So … what’s the problem?”

“Pardon?”

Zsa-Zsa scratched her ear with her back foot, quite hard, like she was banging her head against her toes. Then said: “Well, that’s an improvement. Isn’t it?”

“Er … well. I don’t know.”

“You’re prettier. You’re cleverer. You get to sleep twenty-three hours a day.”

“And poo outdoors …” said Benny.

“Yes, that too. What’s not to love? About being a cat.”

Malcolm was about to say, “No! You don’t understand! I don’t even like animals! So can you imagine what it’s like suddenly being one?” but stopped himself.

Not just because that might have sounded rude. But because for a minute – for a second – he thought: Actually, she might have a point. He felt how taut and streamlined his body was. He remembered that jump down from the roof. He realised that he was, in a way, having fun.

So instead he said:

“Well. Not everything’s great about being a cat.”

“Name one thing that isn’t,” said Zsa-Zsa.

Malcolm thought about something Ticky and Tacky did at home. Weirdly, it gave him a bit of a pang, thinking about home and his own family’s cats. Even if he didn’t like them.

“Well,” he said, “have you by any chance found, inside the farmhouse, a lovely small pond – surrounded by white slopes?”

“Oh yes!” said Zsa-Zsa. “It’s in the room where Gavin and Maven bathe.”

Malcolm smiled to himself. “And do you sometimes balance yourself on those slopes and then bend your face right down to drink water from that lovely pond?”

“Yes?” said Zsa-Zsa.

“It’s a toilet. It’s a human toilet.”

Zsa-Zsa didn’t say anything for a moment. “Hmm. I thought the water tasted … a bit … tangy …” She licked herself. “Oh well.”

Obviously not even making it clear that she’d drunk gallons of toilet water was going to dent Zsa-Zsa’s love of being a cat. So Malcolm said:

“Anyway. I think what I should do – at least to try and find out what’s happened – is go and speak to K-Pax.”

“The goat?”

“Yes.”

“What’s he got to do with it?”

Malcolm realised he hadn’t actually explained to Zsa-Zsa how he’d ended up like this. So he did.

“Hmm,” said Zsa-Zsa after he’d finished. “Sounds a bit … far-fetched …”

“Well …” said Malcolm. “Yes.”

“Oh, that’s so typical,” said Bjornita. “So cat!”

“What did the tortoise say?” said Zsa-Zsa.

“Um,” said Malcolm.

“Spit it out.”

“She, er, said, ‘That’s so typical. So cat.’”

Zsa-Zsa narrowed her eyes at Bjornita.³¹

“I beg your pardon?”

“You being so cynical and disbelieving about it!” said Bjornita. “That’s very cat.”

Zsa-Zsa looked at Malcolm. Reluctantly, Malcolm translated.

“Oh right,” said Zsa-Zsa, “as opposed to being all –” she went close to Bjornita and screwed up her face to look stupid – “durrrrrghgghhh about it. That’s very tortoise. Translate, please, Malcolm.”

Malcolm chose not to do this. Instead he said, “Listen. I think we’re getting away from the problem. Which is, um, my problem, mainly. Because I would like to get back to being a boy, at some point.” He took a deep breath, trying to control the fear that saying this brought up in him. “So. Does anyone speak goat?”

Trotsky and Benny and Bjornita and Zsa-Zsa shook their heads.

“OK …” said Malcolm. “But I’ve got an idea anyway. Let’s go to the goat pen …”

“Why?” said Benny.

“I think,” said Malcolm, “that the way this works is … when I fall asleep, I change. Into another animal! I think … into the last animal I saw. That’s what happened just now – I saw Zsa-Zsa on the roof just before I went to sleep and when I woke up I was a cat. So … if I get into the goat pen, I could fall asleep. And then I’ll wake up as a goat! And then I could speak to K-Pax.”

There was a short pause while the other animals took in this quite long speech. Then Bjornita said:

“Splendid idea!”

“Good one!” said Benny.

“Meee thinking it soundzzzz goooood,” said Trotksy. “Yezzz. Goooood.”

“OK,” said Zsa-Zsa. “Let’s go!”

“Yeah,” said Benny. “Let’s go!”

“What did he say?” said Zsa-Zsa, as she ran off, followed closely by Trotsky and Malcolm.

“Never mind,” said Malcolm, looking back at Benny and Bjornita, already a long way behind.