1 True Dat. As well as using all the standard acronyms, Libby made up a lot of her own.
2 Oh My God Times Two.
3 They lived on a street called Kendal Road. House number 43. You might think this is a bit too much detail, but you’ll be pleased I told you later on. Just you watch.
4 Although Malcolm did sometimes think they might have more money if they spent less of it on pets.
5 To be fair, though, one thing Malcolm shared with animals was that he did very much like sleep. Not only that, he was very good at sleeping, able to go to sleep really easily. And not just in bed, but wherever he fancied it: in the car, on the sofa, and more than a few times, in his school classroom. This is also important information for later on.
6 Apart from Libby, who was holding her phone.
7 I’ll leave you to work this one out.
8 Don’t Cha?
9 I Know Everything Always.
10 I Need To Know. Grandpa had picked up some of Libby’s acronyms.
11 Soz To The Max.
12 Be Thankful.
13 An invoice, in case you don’t know, is a bit of paper grown-ups give each other when they’ve bought something, to show that they’ve bought it. If you did know, I’m sorry I told you again.
14 Although the B and the K and a bit of the P were faded out, as the Bracket Wood Primary School printer had run out of ink. Four years ago.
15 Actually, Malcolm had thought about asking Gavin why it is that sheep will continue to run away from something they think is chasing them even after it’s gone past them – to the point that they will then be chasing the thing they’re supposed to be running away from – but he decided he couldn’t be bothered.
16 He started to say another word before “giggles”, but Maven shushed him.
17 Or any other language. Spanish, for example. Malcolm may have had issues with animals, but he was definitely not racist.
18 Although that had been the morning after a night when he’d been out at the pub. So that may have had something to do with it.
19 Well, about as hurt as a tortoise can look, which isn’t that much. They always look a little bit in pain, don’t they? Like they’re groaning under the weight of their own shell.
20 Again, he didn’t frown quite like he would’ve done with his human face. He couldn’t, seeing as a tortoise face looks sort of like they’re frowning most of the time. So from now on, whenever I describe Malcolm’s face doing anything – frowning, smiling, raising an eyebrow – assume it’s happening inside.
21 I know. All animals look kind of quizzical all the time. Just go with it.
22 He didn’t. Tortoises don’t have shoulders. He just kind of wiggled.
23 The Baileys had gone camping last summer, which Malcolm hadn’t enjoyed much, as they’d taken all the animals; he’d ended up with the iguana on top of his face in the morning.
24 Obviously, these being humans, they were actually frowning.
25 Interestingly, as a tortoise, Malcolm did somewhat resemble Mr Barrington. If Mr Barrington did pick him up and stare at him, all Malcolm really needed was a pair of tiny tortoise glasses for it to seem like Mr Barrington was looking in the mirror.
26 This is something people say about stuff that’s easy. However, please don’t go to sleep when you’re on a log. Especially one that’s high up in a tree.
27 You know, that boring ringtone that grown-ups who don’t know how to download any other ones have.
28 This is quite hard to do, rolling disdainfully. Disdain is quite a hard emotion to get into a roll. But cats can do it. Cats can basically get disdain into every action.
29 Would you believe it …
30 Obviously, being a dog, Trotsky could really do this.
31 This is something cats can do. I’ve seen it. It’s quite frightening.
32 Who from now on I shall call Dolly 1. Sheep 2 will be Dolly 2. And Sheep … you get the picture.
33 And even if he did manage it, Malcolm’s hoof was so hard, he might knock himself out. He thought.
34 It was very manky: bruised on all sides, almost completely brown, with a bite already taken out of it, and covered with mud.
35 A low positive yelp and three small baas.
36 Yes, I know pigs don’t have heels.
37 Snowflake wasn’t wearing a saddle. In the saddle bit, I mean.
38 To Snowflake, not the man inside the pub.
39 Which, especially in the Elephant House, could take a long time.
40 Chimps aren’t monkeys. They are apes. However, this distinction had always escaped Malcolm’s family. Possibly because of the Monkey Moment.
41 Although the other chimp was still bending over and showing Tarzan his bum. It just didn’t seem to bother Tarzan any more.
42 In that it had a big dent in it. Not in that the pyramids are made out of poo.
43 This is a word that means “generously but also grandly, like a king granting a favour to a peasant”. I could have said that, but it would have taken a bit long. Then again, if you’ve read this footnote, it’s taken even longer.
44 Or His Chimpiness the Lord King Louie, if any of you reading are chimps.
45 Apart from one chimp, a female one, called Tracey, who was going: “Don’t do it, Louie! He’s not worth it!”
46 Get Out Of The Way
47 A pooalie?
48 You know. Like pigeons do.
49 You could, if you were very clever, spell this PIDGIN.
50 Although I don’t know if penguins understand pigeon. There might be one language for all birds, flying or not. Don’t push me on this, I’m not an expert.
51 Although once, obviously, Bert asked if he could eat him.
52 Told you so. You wouldn’t know where we were otherwise, would you?
53 Even I Would Kinda Like To See Him. No one really realised she’d said this though, as it sounded like a sneeze.
54 Still useful to know this.
55 Benny and Bjornita had been carried there on Snowflake’s back. How did they get up there? Do you know, I’m not entirely sure.
56 Jackie used quite a big swear here, I’m afraid.
57 Everyone, not including Mr Braden.
1 A boy and girl can only be fraternal twins, never identical. But don’t ask me to explain the difference. It’s a bit yucky.
2 Fred was better than her at one thing, however: customising the avatars. He could customise any avatar on any game so the character on screen looked great – hairstyle, eye colour, skin colour, clothes, teeth, every shape and size. Fred sometimes wondered if he didn’t like doing that even more than playing the games.