“WAKE UP! WAKE UP, EVERYBODY! IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?! WAKEY-WAKEY!!”
Malcolm did as he was told. He woke up.
The person speaking was:
– shouting very, very loudly and repeatedly in front of him
– and also, a cockerel.
“Urggh …” said Malcolm, blinking. “How come I can speak cockerel?”
“EVERY ANIMAL SPEAKS COCKEREL! WE ALL HAVE TO! BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE TO KNOW WHAT TIME TO GET UP! IT’S VITAL!!” The cockerel stuck his face closer to Malcolm’s. “WAAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEE-UPPPPPPPP!!”
Malcolm looked at the cockerel, who was puffing his chest out and shaking his weird gibbly under-chin bits and his red punk washing-up-glove hairdo with the effort of telling Malcolm to wake up.
“I’m awake,” said Malcolm, deadpan.
The cockerel looked at him, suspiciously.
“Hmm. OK,” he said, and turned away. “WAKE UP!!”
“No one else in here is asleep!” said a voice.
“Certainly not any more!” said another voice.
“GOOD! WAKE UP!!”
Malcolm looked up at the sky. It was a new day – a nice day: the sun was shining and the sky, visible above the fence of the goat pen, was blue. He felt refreshed by his sleep. And the plan had clearly worked. He looked down at his feet, which were hooved. He scratched his head on the floor and could feel that he had little horns. And the smell rising from him was very – well, it was very Stinky Blinky.
He looked around for K-Pax. Yes. He was still there, in the same place, behind a couple of other goats.
Great, thought Malcolm. I can get him to reverse the spell and then I’ll be a boy again.
Malcolm walked – trotted – over towards that area of the pen. He wondered how to approach this. At first he thought perhaps he would just speak to K-Pax gently, in order to coax out of him the way back to being human.
But as the other goats parted, and he got closer and closer, he became angrier. If indeed this whole thing was K-Pax’s doing, what right did the old goat have to change him into a variety of different animals? It wasn’t fair to inflict that on someone else! Just because Malcolm had said he didn’t like animals! Never mind being gentle! Malcolm was going to tell him off! As his grandpa liked to say, he was going to give him what for!
Finally, he had the goat in his sights. K-Pax was right in front of him. Malcolm saw once again the staring amber eyes that had, he was sure now, caused this whole animal thing.
Malcolm opened his mouth and said, loudly:
“Baa! Baa-baa-baa-baa baaaaa-baaa. BAA-BAA!” Then a short pause. And then: “Baaa?”
I mean, Malcolm thought he was saying:
“Oy! Look here, K-Pax, or whatever your name is! What do you think you’re doing turning boys into animals!! Eh?”
But if you’d been a human, and there at the time, you’d definitely have heard:
“Baa! Baa-baa-baa-baa baaaaa-baaa. BAA-BAA!” And then: “Baaa?”
Which might explain why K-Pax just stared at him. And also why Malcolm was suddenly surrounded by three sheep.
“Hello!”
“Hello!”
“Hello!”
they said.
“Sorry, what’s going on?” said Malcolm.
“That’s what we were wondering,” said the first one. “Why are you shouting at that goat? He doesn’t understand sheep.”
“He doesn’t! Not sheep!” said the second one.
“Not a word of sheep! Baa-baa-baa is all he hears!” said the third one.
Malcolm shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “So. You’re telling me that … I’m a sheep?” he said, with his eyes closed.
“YES!” they all said together.
“What’s your name?” said Sheep 1.
Malcolm opened his eyes.
“Malcolm. What’s yours?”
“Dolly!” replied Sheep 1.32
“I’m also Dolly!”
“I’m Dolly too!”
“Right … sorry, I thought this was the goat pen?”
“It is,” said Dolly 1. “But our field’s being dug up. So Gavin and Maven put us in here for the night.”
“Hmm. When they led you in here, did you notice a sleeping cat … not Zsa-Zsa – another one?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Yes!”
Dolly 1 and Dolly 2 looked at Dolly 3.
“That’s odd,” said Dolly 1.
“Yes,” said Dolly 2. “We always agree with each other. Usually.”
“Yes,” replied Dolly 1. “I agree with you, and you agree with me, and we agree with her.”
“Yes!” said Dolly 3. “I agree with you! I do normally agree with you!”
“Agreed!” said Dolly 1, 2 and 3.
Malcolm closed his eyes again. He thought he could feel a headache coming on. He tried to rub his head with his hand. But then he remembered that he didn’t have a hand, he had a hoof. And that it was very difficult for a sheep to raise a single hoof to its head for a rub.33
“So …” said Dolly 3, “I know this is weird …”
“Weird,” said Dolly 2.
“Yes, weird,” said Dolly 1.
“But even though you two didn’t see the cat … I did?”
This seemed to completely stump Dolly 1 and Dolly 2. Even, in fact, Dolly 3. Who was saying it. So she added:
“Maybe … I imagined it?”
“Yes, I agree,” said Dolly 1.
“So do I,” said Dolly 2.
“And me!” said Dolly 3, sounding very relieved.
“Anyway!” said Malcolm. “Do any of you speak goat?”
They all shook their heads.
“Isn’t it very similar to sheep?” said Malcolm. “I mean it sounds quite similar. Like … I dunno …” A very faint memory came back to him, of something they had learned in school. “Spanish and Italian?”
“No, no,” said Dolly 1. “We baa. Goats bray.”
“Baa!” said Dolly 2.
“Not bray!” said Dolly 3.
“Right,” said Malcolm. “Got it. Thanks. But can’t you – can’t we – try, though?”
“No.”
“Don’t think so.”
“Not possible.”
said the three sheep.
Hmm, thought Malcolm, suddenly having an idea.
“Really?” he said. “Even though I’d like to do it? And I’m a sheep, and sheep always agree with each other …”
The Dollys looked at each other.
“OK!” they said, in unison.