I have not known a man that has not had [an orgasm] during sex. For a man, I don’t think he would have sex if he thought he couldn’t [orgasm]. For a woman, it’s different. Great if I do, but I need that emotional connection. For a man, that’s just not the case. I think [an orgasm] is just something a man needs a lot more than a woman needs it.
– Our participant, Kathy
In this quote, Kathy provides reasons why she thinks orgasms are more important for men than for women. A man wouldn’t “have sex if he thought he couldn’t [orgasm],” whereas for Kathy, an “emotional connection” is more important than an orgasm. This quote offers a window into what is known as the gender gap in orgasms, a gap that researchers have consistently identified in heterosexual sexual encounters (Armstrong et al. 2012). For instance, recent studies show that men report having an orgasm approximately 90% of the time in their sexual relations with women, whereas women’s orgasm rates are consistently between 52% to 24% lower (Wade et al. 2005; Andrejek and Fetner 2019). There is also evidence that, during partnered, heterosexual sexual encounters, a lack of variation in sexual activities and an absence of clitoral stimulation contribute to women having fewer orgasms than men. The importance of clitoral stimulation to women’s orgasms has been a topic discussed by many podcasts, books, and articles from publications like Bustle, the Huffington Post, and Men’s Health.
If it is widely known that sexual practices focused on clitoral stimulation increase women’s likelihood to orgasm, why are couples not engaging in these types of sexual activities? Why does Kathy feel it is okay if she does not orgasm during partnered sex? In this chapter, we examine beliefs about what constitutes “having sex” and the implications of those meanings. Our interviews suggest that heteronormative understandings of what counts as sex – held by both men and women – prioritize penile stimulation over clitoral stimulation, contributing to the gender gap in orgasms.
Why do men have orgasms more frequently than women in heterosexual encounters? What is your guess? You might answer that men are just physically easier to please, that they desire and enjoy sex more, or that they orgasm more easily than women. These common myths reflect essentialist and anatomical explanations that have been largely disputed by a variety of evidence. These types of explanations for the orgasm gap rely on the belief that women’s bodies and desires are “inherently” or “naturally” different from men, what gender scholars call essentialism. Essentialist beliefs buttress the idea that orgasms are naturally more important to men, and that women’s bodies are anatomically more difficult to please than men’s bodies. However, these beliefs come into question when we consider that women who engage in same-sex sexual encounters disclose that they orgasm regularly (Frederick et al. 2018). Women also achieve orgasm regularly through masturbation (Carvalheira and Leal 2013). Findings from this research dispel the myths that women are physically less able to orgasm or do not desire it. Furthermore, women report greater sexual satisfaction during partnered sex in which they had an orgasm, refuting notions that orgasms are inconsequential to women’s sexual enjoyment (Waterman and Chiauzzi 1982).
Explanations for the orgasm gap cannot rely on the idea that women are less able to orgasm than men, or that they do not enjoy orgasms. What else could explain why women have fewer orgasms than men? Well, one reason the orgasm gap persists – and why it may seem like men orgasm more easily than women – relates to the kinds of sex couples are engaging in. Many women (if not a majority) cannot orgasm from penile-vaginal intercourse alone. Research consistently shows that sexual practices that emphasize clitoral stimulation, such as oral sex or manual stimulation, significantly increase women’s likelihood of having an orgasm (Herbenick et al. 2018). So, when men and women engage in sex that only includes penile-vaginal intercourse, women are far less likely to orgasm.
Women also tend to report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and higher rates of orgasms in the context of committed relationships compared to casual sexual encounters (Waite and Joyner 2001). A primary reason for this is that couples in committed relationships tend to engage in a greater variety of sexual activities than in casual sexual encounters like hookups (Armstrong et al. 2012). That said, although the orgasm gap may be somewhat smaller in the context of committed relationships, it still persists. This suggests that we need to consider not only sexual practices themselves, but the understandings of what it means to have sex.
When someone tells you that they “had sex,” how do you interpret what they mean? Often, what we see in films and on television shape the ways that we understand what sex is. When you think of the last heterosexual sex scene you saw in a film or on TV, did the woman orgasm? What sexual activities caused her orgasm? Consistently, penile-vaginal intercourse is portrayed – and understood – as the “main event” in heterosexual encounters. Cultural representations of sex in sexually explicit materials such as pornography, as well as sexually suggestive scenes in mainstream books, magazine articles, films, and television shows, tend to portray sexual encounters in which women easily reach orgasm from penile-vaginal intercourse (Séguin et al. 2018). For example, Sally Rooney’s Normal People is jam-packed with sex scenes but only of penetrative sex. Similarly, sex scenes in Game of Thrones portray women as always ready for penetrative sex when men want it, and they can orgasm from it in a matter of minutes (Smyth 2021). These dominant representations suggest that sex is defined by penile-vaginal intercourse.
We have provided two examples of popular TV shows that focus on penetrative sex. How many TV shows or films can you name do not focus on penile-vaginal intercourse? And how many can you name with scenes that emphasize clitoral stimulation? Naming the latter might not be as easy, since dominant understandings of having sex portray sexual activities that focus on clitoral stimulation – like oral sex – as “foreplay” and not the “main event.” This means that clitoral stimulation becomes optional in penile-vaginal intercourse. This sexual script places pressure on women to orgasm in a timeframe oriented toward men’s pleasure (Muehlenhard and Shippee 2010). Sexual scripts refer to the collective cultural norms and shared understandings that guide our behaviors, emotions, and actions during sexual experiences. The script of “having sex” is understood as penile-vaginal intercourse and implies a timeframe that begins with penetration and ends when men reach orgasm.
This sexual script reflects the broader structures of gender and heterosexuality that situate women and men in relatively unequal positions in terms of sexual self-actualization (Ward and Schneider 2009). Heteronormativity – the shared belief that heterosexuality is the “normal” expression of sexuality, which shapes gendered sexual scripts – harnesses gender to shape both our behavior and our understandings of reality (Schilt and Westbrook 2009). For example, it shapes beliefs about what counts as “real sex” and values about what kinds of sex are good and right, and what kinds are dirty and suspect (Ward 2020).
Based on these insights, it is important to understand how women and men feel about heterosexual sex, and how they make sense of their sexual experiences and practices. It is possible that couples might engage in some sexual practices but not others, because they attach certain meanings to different practices. If so, these meanings might contribute to the gender gap in orgasms if they limit the types of sexual activities that women engage in with men. If only certain types of sex acts are “normal,” then women might experience shame or discomfort when engaging in other sexual activities.
To better understand the way that people make sense of women’s and men’s orgasms, we conducted qualitative interviews with adult men and women across Canada and asked them about their sex lives and their thoughts about orgasms. We interviewed a sample of 20 cisgender men and 20 cisgender women who have engaged in heterosexual sex over the age of 18. Although not all our participants identified as heterosexual, they all discussed their own experiences of engaging in heterosexual sex and the gender dynamics thereof. We asked questions on a variety of topics related to sex, relationships, and attitudes about sexualities. Our goal was to understand what meanings are attached to sex and orgasms, and how these meanings may contribute to the orgasm gap. Through these interviews, we learned that to answer the question of why the orgasm gap persists, we need to more deeply understand the shared meanings and feelings that people have about the types of sex they are having.
When our participants described what some referred to as having “regular sex,” they were talking about penile-vaginal intercourse, which as we have learned, does not necessarily lead to women’s orgasms. We found that the idea of what counts as regular sex impacts how men and women feel about the sex they are having. In the following sections, we describe three implications of narrowly defining sex as penile-vaginal intercourse that helps to explain why our participants only have what they think of as “regular sex” and why they are not engaging in what they view as “additional” sexual practices that might be important to reducing the gender gap in orgasms.
The first implication of defining sex as penile-vaginal intercourse is that it limits the meaning of “sex” to one act that is unlikely to lead to women’s orgasms. Both men and women in our study relied on traditionally gendered conceptions of men’s and women’s sexuality when describing what they believed to be the purpose of sex. Most men stated that they always have an orgasm during partnered sex and always expect to have one. When asked if he typically had an orgasm during sex with his partner, Carter responded, “Cause I’m a guy, [an orgasm] is mandatory.” Men having sex without an orgasm was inconceivable for our participants. Ryan stated that orgasms are “a must” for him during sex. Hubert also thought of his orgasms as a must: “If I don’t cum … then it doesn’t feel like sex to me. Cuddling is really nice … but if I want sex, then I have to orgasm. Otherwise, it’s totally unfulfilling really.” For men in our study, there is no reason to have sex if they do not orgasm.
What about women’s views? Did they also believe that the main reason to have sex was to orgasm? Yes, they did believe this, but it was not their own orgasms they had in mind. They believed that having an orgasm is the purpose of sex for men. For instance, Laura said that men need and prioritize their orgasms, but that women’s orgasms are not always important to men:
I think for men [sex is] not a success if they haven’t had that physical release of the orgasm. Therefore, that means that their orgasms or ejaculation is more important for a man. I also think [men] don’t always care if the woman has [an orgasm].
Emma stated, “I think the male orgasm is more prioritized than women’s. I think if men don’t orgasm at the end of the encounter, that then there’s [the feeling like] something is wrong.” Consistently, both the men and women in our study described men’s orgasms as inextricable from “having sex,” demonstrating how heteronormative definitions of what it means to have sex privileges men’s orgasms. This heteronormative perspective upholds heterosexuality as the norm by referring to the essential differences between men and women, where men’s organisms are a necessity but not those of women.
By contrast, women’s orgasms were described as not an essential part of having sex. Instead, women’s and men’s descriptions suggested that women are expected to prioritize emotional romantic intimacy over physical sexual desire and pleasure. Anthony said that:
I feel like with men they prioritize orgasms more than women just because it provides that sense of joy and pleasure. Whereas with women, I feel like that emotional side of getting to be intimate with the person is more important than giving them an orgasm.
Focusing on women’s emotions allowed men and women in our study to justify why women’s orgasms were not as important – for men, sex is about pleasure, for women, it is about emotional intimacy. Ashley elaborated on why orgasms were not necessary for her:
For most men, [having an orgasm] is the main goal. For women, they just want it to be a good time and feel appreciated and not be painful… . Women, well most women, are a lot less hung up on the actual orgasm… . I do not think I ever had [an orgasm] in my first relationship and we were together for five years. I don’t need to have an orgasm to enjoy having sex… . Sex is not about it feeling good; it’s about being with somebody.
Ashley believes that women can enjoy sex without having an orgasm, whereas men cannot. Her words further underscore her low expectations about heterosexual sex – it should be a “good time” and “not be painful.”
Overall, women are expected to prioritize emotional intimacy over having an orgasm. Although many women said that they wanted to have an orgasm during partnered sex, heteronormative, gendered beliefs about what sex is limits the sexual activities men and women engage in and impacts the expectations they have about women’s orgasms. The shared heteronormative understanding of what sex is not only contributed to gendered expectations about whose orgasms are important or “needed,” but defining “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse contributed to the belief that women’s orgasms take a lot more effort than men’s to achieve.
The second implication of understanding “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse is that women’s bodies appear more difficult to please, since a greater variety of sexual practices, which might be more likely to result in women’s orgasms, are thought of as separate from the “main event” of having sex. This belief also makes women’s orgasms seem to be “more work” and “too time consuming,” because couples need to engage in these “additional” sexual practices. For example, Jenn explained, “There’s usually only oral sex for our birthdays. It’s too much work… . He’s never had an orgasm from oral sex anyway.” Moreover, the fact that fellatio does not lead to orgasm for Jenn’s partner means that neither of them practice it, and Jenn does not address whether cunnilingus could bring her to orgasm. Similarly, Kathy said she enjoys it
if the man is behind me and he is able to pleasure me with his hands [but it takes] a lot more to work. It takes a lot more for me to get to that point where I’m going to have an orgasm.
In describing sex, our participants focused heavily on penile-vaginal intercourse and viewed other sexual practices as supplementary. This meant that sexual practices that tend to facilitate women’s orgasms were “additional” and separate from “regular sex.”
Likewise, Rachel explained that she can orgasm when masturbating but is not able to during partnered sex because her partner reaches orgasm more quickly than her:
More than 90% of the time, I honestly never orgasm … because it just happened too soon for him and then … it’s … not the best physical experience. I think he just doesn’t touch me long enough for me to be able to get there.
The men in our interviews agreed. When asked about how often his partner orgasms, Charles replied,
My partner? Not always… . I have a timeframe and unfortunately her timeframe is a lot longer than my timeframe. So, I’ll always have to go first and then we might have to do it again, but again, her timeframe starts from zero again.
The idea of needing “extra” time for women to orgasm was offered as a self-explanatory reason why women orgasm less. Emma iterated the idea that when men orgasm, the sexual encounter ends:
I don’t know why men orgasm more [than women] but I think, it’s probably physically easier for them. I think [sex can be just] pounding [into the woman], and definitely a lot of women are not going to orgasm from that, but a lot of guys have sex like that, and then they are done.
A consequence of the heteronormative belief that having sex just refers to penile-vaginal intercourse is that it normalizes the idea that men and women are essentially physically different, and that men’s orgasms are easier. Since women’s timeline for having an orgasm differs from men’s, and men orgasm more quickly and readily during penile-vaginal intercourse, and women are viewed as being less likely to orgasm. None of our participants discussed the idea that “regular sex” should involve practices that would lead to women’s orgasms. The focus on penile-vaginal intercourse privileges men’s sexual pleasure and makes women’s orgasms seem to be something separate from “having sex” that requires additional effort or work.
The third implication is that the other additional sexual practices – ones that might be more likely to bring women to orgasm – are understood as something bad or inappropriate for women, since they exist outside the sexual script of penile-vaginal intercourse. In our study, many of the women described feeling badly about engaging in sexual practices that they perceive to be exclusively about their own sexual pleasure, even if those practices are what bring them to orgasm. Sexual practices, such as giving or receiving oral sex and using vibrators or sex toys that tend to be focused on clitoral stimulation and women’s pleasure, were described as not only separate from regular sex but also as morally contentious. Kathy told us that she needs clitoral stimulation to orgasm, but that:
I don’t do oral sex… . It can be very pleasurable, but it feels wrong to me. It feels dirty. It just doesn’t feel natural… . I feel like it’s dirty sex, almost like watching porn. I’m not into the porn and I’m not into the oral. It just makes me feel dirty.
Religious conservatism did not necessarily motivate Kathy’s view, as she described herself as Catholic but not religiously active. Although clitoral stimulation may bring them pleasure, some women see a moral cost to participating in sexual practices like oral sex. These descriptions about additional sexual practices show how heteronormative meanings about what sex is are also highly gendered, ultimately privileging men’s pleasure.
In general, only a few women discussed oral sex or clitoral stimulation as important to them, and many described closeness and intimacy as more important than physical pleasure. However, these narratives are deeply tied to the heteronormative understanding that “regular sex” is equated to penile-vaginal intercourse. Although sexual practices that are focused on clitoral stimulation improve women’s likelihood of having an orgasm, there is a disconnect between how our participants have internalized what normal sex should look like and the types of sexual practices that might bring women to orgasm. The beliefs that our participants shared with us reflect patterns of socialization based on a gender hierarchy that privileges men’s sexual pleasure over women’s. Again, we see this reflected in film and television where women tend to follow men’s timeline, and miraculously seem to orgasm before or at the same time as men, ending the sexual encounter. These strong messages that equate penile-vaginal intercourse with “having sex” mean that some women feel uncomfortable participating in the kinds of sexual activities that might lead them to orgasm.
The persistent gender gap in orgasms makes it seem like men and women are at odds with one another. On the contrary, they share the heteronormative meaning and belief that penile-vaginal intercourse constitutes “regular” sexual behavior. This chapter shows how this heteronormative meaning of sex contributes to the maintenance of the gender gap in orgasms and makes gender differences in orgasms appear as if they are natural.
Our findings also show that these internalized meanings encourage women to self-regulate and limit their sexual desire in favor of a narrative about why they have sex that prioritizes romantic love and intimacy and deprioritizes women’s sexual pleasure. The focus on penile-vaginal sex means that everything else on the sexual menu becomes “extra,” including sexual practices of clitoral stimulation that might be more likely to lead to women’s orgasms. Normalizing penile-vaginal sex over other types of sexual behaviors leads to sex that focuses solely on the penis and men’s pleasure.
There is a sense in our broader popular culture that sexual norms for women have changed dramatically. Our research suggests that we still must move past taboos that discourage engaging in a variety of sexual practices that serve women’s bodies, and women’s rights to sexual pleasure. Moreover, for women there continues to be internalized shame and stigma about the perceived “additional” sexual practices outside of penile-vaginal intercourse that limits their sexual expression and capacity to orgasm in partnered sexual encounters. These practices are viewed as supplementary and not necessary.
Ultimately, our findings suggest that even in the most private, intimate settings, heteronormativity and gender norms shape individual feelings, expectations, and practices. These norms do not emerge out of the blue. They are maintained and perpetuated through various avenues, including cultural representations in film, limited sexual education, and various institutions that encourage heteronormative, reproductive sex. Our research points to the importance of initiatives that support a broader spectrum of sexual representations and for sex-positive sex education that emphasizes diverse sexual practices as a “normal” part of having sex. There is need to envision women’s pleasure, bodies, and desire as central to the meaning of “regular” heterosexual sex.